I keep glancing over at the calendar on my cubicle wall while at work, and I keep looking at the date on my phone the rest of the time. We're getting so close to the start of the NBA season, even if it feels like a million years from now (which is, coincidentally, the same timeframe as when we can expect the Clippers to return to the playoffs).

Kevin Durant just picked up Team USA on his back and carried them to a FIBA world championship (America, fuck yeah!). Aside from further ripping the hearts out of Seattle basketball fans and leaving Portland fans cursing Greg Oden's name, that means we're left without any actual basketball activity for a few weeks. So what is there to do with that downtime??? The same thing we do every year -- make horrible predictions!

Nearly every sportswriter in the country will dish out their mindless prognostications about the upcoming season in the next few weeks, so why don't we beat them to the punch? Besides, who cares about making simple predictions like who will win the championship? I know you guys can do better than that. There are more bawful things to consider, like who will be the first player to get busted for possession this season? How many crab dribbles will LeBron get away with in the first month of the season? Post your thoughts in the comments. I'm sure it will be fun to look back at them after the season's done!

Sorry if you were going to predict that the Minnesota Timberwolves will take out a full page ad in the back of the newspaper to inform their fans that the team will suck again this year -- you're too late. This already happened. (And since I got the link to that article from a Simmons tweet, I feel I must include this: KAAAHHHNNN!!!)

Also, another potential prediction of "When Shaq will do something so crazy that it seems Artestian" has been ruined. Shaq got a nice little head-start on us by bringing the crazy even before I could finish writing this post. According to a lawsuit, The Big Defendent misunderstood the phrase Hack-a-Shaq, and is therefore being accused of computer hacking, destroying evidence and attempting to frame an employee by planting child pornography on his computer.

You'll need to read the article to get a full appreciation for how amazing this is, but I'll give you a brief rundown: Shawn Darling, who worked as Shaq's personal IT guy a few years ago, basically accuses Shaq of doing lots of illegal activities trying to cover up a myriad of affairs. These activities include hacking into voicemails, changing phone passwords, throwing a PC with evidence on it into a lake, illegally obtaining restricted info on mistresses through people he knows in law enforcement, and finally this gem: "At that point, Darling claims Shaq sent him threatening messages, tried to break into his voicemail and enlisted the help of an active Arizona detective to master a computer program that would allegedly allow him to frame Darling for possession of child pornography so that Shaq could confiscate the computer holding evidence of his affair with Lopez."

So getting back to my previous point before being interrupted by so much bawful... we'd love to hear your predictions for this season. Head to the comments section and have fun!

Labels: David Kahn, Minnesota Timberwolves, predictions gone horribly wrong, Shaq, so crazy it cannot be measured by modern science

Normal for chillin' around the house. Not normal when appearing on a nationally televised talk show. But I will never forget hearing Ron Artest uttering the term "freeballing." Thank you, Ron, for making my life better with every crazy-ass thing you do.



[Hat Tip: The Big Lead via 49er16.]

Labels: crazy people, interviews, Ron Artest, so crazy it cannot be measured by modern science, talk shows

This has nothing to do with this post, but it was the best picture Ifound while doing a Google image search for "Ron Artest crazy."
Ron Artest, on throwing Trevor Ariza’s shoe in the stands:

"Well what happened was…obviously I didn't know his shoe would come off that's the first thing conservative reporters. I didn't know his shoe was gonna come off. I don't speak to his feet so I don't know what his feet are thinking, I don't know what his toes are thinking, I don't know what he’s thinking. Then his shoe comes off and I'm like okay a shoe is not supposed to be on the basketball court without somebody standing inside of it. So I said alright, I'm just gonna buy me some time. I really didn't know whose shoe it was, but I said it has to be one of the player's shoe. As soon as I toss it off the court, not throw into the stands which some people said, it'll buy me some time. What happens is I come back down, Trevor is trying to put his shoe on and I politely hit a three in his face."

From Sports Radio Interviews, via TrueHoop, via NarSARSsist.

Labels: crazy people, Ron Artest, so crazy it cannot be measured by modern science

If there is a God, and He reads Basketbawful, then I can only pray that He will one day grant me the opportunity to interview Ron Artest. Forget Shaq. Artest is the true MQE (Most Quotable Ever). In his latest oratorical masterpiece, Ron informs us that Brandon Roy is better than Kobe Bryant and LeBron James (even though "his defense is kind of suspect"), names "a guy from my hood from Queensbridge, a guy named Mike Chatfer, he went to jail a couple of years" as the best player he's ever played against, and states flatly that Charles Barkley was overrated ("He was a little small -- he didn't have no defense.") His crazy is much better suited to aimless talking than brawling. We need a Ron Artest reality show, immediately.


[From ClutchFans, via AK Dave.]

Labels: crazy people, Ron Artest, so crazy it cannot be measured by modern science

You've seen the video blog, you've watched his latest crap rap video...now thrill to the wonder of Ron Artest's new Internet reality show! If you've ever wanted to be a fly on the wall of Artest's life -- and who hasn't? -- then prepare to view the world through a fly's eyes. (And here's a little reminder: Flies eat poop.)

Via Ball Don't Lie, where J.E. Skeets provided the following viewer's guide: "Artest making fun of his Toyota Sequoia (5:15), popping out his fake front tooth while driving (7:30), struggling to assemble a tent for his daughter -- indoors (13:55), recording a new rap song while his nanny cleans around him (17:20), and a hilarious exchange with his son about getting his own shoe deal (20:00)." However, Skeets forgot to mention how Ron initiated a conversation about monkey brains at a Chinese restaurant around the 3-minute mark. Don't take my word for it. Watch.

Labels: crazy people, mucho crazy, reality TV, Ron Artest, so crazy it cannot be measured by modern science