Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Back from the Dead: Worst of NBA Finals Game 4
By Raza at 12:53 AM
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(everyone who does will receive one free puppy)




*rubs eyes*



Where....Am.....I?

While recovering from a non-stop drinking binge from the after effects of Game 6 of the WCF as a Spurs fan, I completely fell out of the loop with posting updates.  While this season has been up and down for us with the new posts I apologize because I know we've never been this slow on the uptake.

For those of you that are still keeping up with the blog, we really appreciate your patience and will be sure to keep the updates coming the rest of the season.  

Even if at this point that may last just one more game.




 Westbrook was late to the pregame warmups.  He thought he had 24 seconds before they started instead of 5.




One of the Joker's henchman finds himself with nowhere to go



If Mike Miller literally did this the entire game he would have had the same number of points as when he was actually on the court.



Scott Brooks draws up a map for his summer vacation plans.



"Eureka! I might still be employed next year!"




OKC Blunder:  Well, it was fun while it lasted.  Apparently the NBA was 90% done with their championship DVD after Game 1, only to have to start again from scratch.  They don't make runner up DVD's, do they?  Maybe Reggie Miller has a couple hundred lying around.

Game after game in this series the Thunder found themselves in a hole in the opening minutes.  Finally, they thought "Screw it, let's pretend the first quarter is the fourth quarter!" and proceeded to build a 17 point lead.

Things were looking good, Westbrook was on fire, KD's mom was all happy, and Scott Brooks was looking like a real NBA coach.

And then the second quarter happened.

And then the third.

And then the fourth.


Getting outscored 62-40 in the second and third quarters alone, OKC's slogan went from Thunder Up! to THUNDER DOWN MAYDAY MAYDAY!!  in the blink of an eye.

First off, we have to give credit where credit is due.  LeBron James absolutely killed it last night.  Posting a monstrous 26, 12 and 9 and showing a real semblance of a post up game, James had his way with the Thunder virtually the entire time.  For a guy who has taken so much criticism for his Finals performances, the true master of the Crab Dribble looks to get ringed in another 48 hours.

Which means Dan Gilbert has till Thursday for the Cavs to win the championship before the Heat do and make all of his comic sans dreams come true.

As for the Thunder, letting this guy, the most chewed out player in the league, go off for 25 points on 9-15 shooting is just asking for trouble:






James Harden:  2-10 from the floor, with twice as many turnovers than field goals.  Oh, and he pulled it off in 37 minutes of play.  I don't know if James lost his game somewhere in his beard, but the only thing saving him from being public enemy #1 from this contest was....


Russell Westbrook:  While he's been great for a lot of 'Bawful laughs, it actually hurts to put him here since he had such a great game.  

For about 46 minutes anyway.

Seemingly unstoppable in Game 4, Westbrook managed 43 points, on 63% shooting (only MJ and Shaq have matched that playoff feat in the past 25 years) and spear headed yet another OKC comeback in these playoffs.

Maybe Spoelstra should have picked up where his defense left off in Game 3:





I mean, that's got to be annoying as hell right?  Probably more effective than face guarding.


After demolishing the Heat for most of the game, Westbrook snapped back to reality and all but sealed the Thunder's fate with the worst foul in a crucial playoff game since Ginobili fouled Dirk in Game 7 of the 2006 WCSF:




So, with 5 seconds on the shot clock, Westbrook was probably too busy thinking about his post game wardrobe and immediately fouled Mario Chalmers, putting the Thunder's championship hopes in dire straits:





"I thought Russell was terrific tonight," Scott Brooks said. "The guy played relentless. He was aggressive. He kept us in this game and he gave us a chance to win.  Instead, he solidified our chance to lose.  And for that, I commend him."


I think we can best sum up the Durant/Westbrook relationship with this lovely short story:



Want to know why Kevin Durant is so skinny? Because Westbrook never feeds him the ball.



NBA on ABC: As much as I miss the NBA on NBC, I guess the one positive is that we don't have to hear from Shaq anymore at halftime.  

Last I heard, he was getting harassed from the powers that be:






It looks like our 2011/12 NBA Season should be coming to a close, with the draft right around the corner.  Gotta love the fact that the new face of the league will look like this:




Oh well, that's still better than this I suppose:








Last bit of a random tidbit I wanted to share with you guys.  Adidas is getting a ton of flak for making seemingly racist shoes:




While I think that's going a bit overboard, I thought hell if that's racist then so is this guy:




Thanks for everyone's support, and once again, we apologize for the lack of updates.  Consider it an asterisk year for us!




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Friday, May 25, 2012
Worst of the Night: May 24, 2012
By Raza at 10:34 AM
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 Coach Vogel, you're under arrest!




 
 This is Brian.  He enjoys long walks on the beach and treating women with respect.




George Hill tries to escape the stench of the Pacers Game 6 performance.



 You botherin' me about a steak!


 A face that even a mother would struggle to love.




Indiana Pacers: It was a great 12 minutes while it lasted.  And by lasted, I mean the Pacers having a 28-21 advantage at the end of the first quarter, the crowd going buck wild, and Larry Bird chuckling to himself, "these guys aren't soft at all"

And then the rest of the game happened.

Miami kicked it up a notch and overcame an 11 point deficit on their way to outscoring the Pacers every single quarter the rest of the way.

Wade had a whopping 41 points as Robin LeBron wasn't too far behind with 28 points himself.

As for Indy, it's not even like they shot poorly (48% from the floor), they still managed to outrebound the Heat, got more free throws, and everything else the home team should.....they just let the two players you should contain the most go off for crazy numbers, and 22 turnovers didn't exactly help their movement either.

"Chris Bosh is an awesome basketball player, but when he goes down, that just means more touches for LeBron and Wade," Coach Vogel said. "That's not exactly an advantage. More like addition by subtraction.  Can't wait for them to trade Bosh this summer.  FML"


David West hates children



So now, the Heat await the winner of the Philly/Boston series.  I'm hoping Boston wins just so the Heat actually get somewhat of a challenge in the ECF.


By the way, ABC's promo poster for the Heat looks great:






As for the Indy fans.....oh boy.




 Good to see that Harry and Lloyd decided to make an appearance!







Weekend's Upcoming Games:  

 
SATURDAY:


Boston vs. 1776'ers, 8:00 PM ET:  A betting man would put money on the Celtics to close this one out at home.  What say you KG?



 Can you imagine being roommates with this guy on the road? Yikes





SUNDAY:



Spurs vs Thunder, 8:30 PM ET:  Literally counting down the hours till tipoff.  But I'm probably just more excited to see if this Laker fan in the pic below will make a comeback:





And be prepared to see a plethora of Tim Duncan faces!


 


Hope you all have a great weekend.



Chris's Lacktation Report:


Heat-Pacers: Ronny Turiaf toiled despite a board in 10:29, bricking once and fouling twice for a 2:1 Voskuhl.  Juwan Howard invested 211 seconds of lack to earn a celebratory 3.5 trillion paycheck.

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Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Worst of the Night: May 22, 2012
By Raza at 9:53 AM
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 Are you not entertained?



Maybe if Jones spent less time rubbing his eye and more time running plays, the Pacers wouldn't be down 37 points.


LeBron catches up on some pre-game reading




The Indiana Pacers:  Well the honeymoon was great while it lasted.  Felt like it was only a couple days ago the Pacers took a 2-1 series lead, shocked everyone, and Miami was labeled D.O.A

Unfortunately for Indiana, it was a best of 7 series, not a best of 3.  In a game that had huge playoff implications, a Game 5 win for Indy with the next one at home would have put them in the driver's seat for an ECF berth.  Instead, they got into the driver's seat and drove off a cliff.

The Heat led by as many as 37 points handing Indiana their worst playoff loss in franchise history.

They also had flagrant fouls galore in this game:










Who needs to battle to the ECF when you can get the WWF right here.


Indiana shot a measly 33% as their starting 5 went 16-48 from the floor.

And considering that Indy's starting 5 usually puts up these kinds of numbers:

The Pacers have outscored opponents by 75 points with its starting lineup (Paul George, Danny Granger, Roy Hibbert, George Hill and David West) on the court together this postseason, the best plus-minus for any five-player combination in the playoffs. When any other combination of Pacers has been on the court, Indiana has been outscored by 48. In the Eastern Conference Semifinals, the starters are +47 and all other lineups are -74.


Ouch is right.


"We learned early in this series, you don't get two wins for a blowout," Pacers coach Frank Vogel said.  "Thankfully, you don't get two losses for a blowout either, otherwise we'd be f*cked"

"I can't believe my team went soft. S-O-F-T," Larry Bird told the Indianapolis Star. "I'm disappointed. I never thought it would happen." 

His assistant then whispered into Bird's ear that he's running the 2012 Indiana Pacers, not the '86 Celtics.


Game 6 is tomorrow night, and I'm sure the shadow of LeBron will loom over Granny Danger:


 


At least when LeBron isn't ignoring his coaches:




From Around the League:


So the Lakers were officially eliminated, and no tears were shed....outside southern California anyway:






Andrew Bynum demonstrates what he'll be doing all summer on the beach



The face of a man who will be joining the bread line in no time


You mad?




OKC/Spurs:


So this is pretty much 2012's NBA Finals matchup.  Not that an Eastern team can't take it this year, but it's probably the best matchup you're going to see in this year's playoffs.

I'm thinking Spurs in 6, but this series will probably go the distance.


Who wouldn't want to see the following teams face off against each other:
















 VS.

 

 Any predictions fellas?

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Tuesday, May 08, 2012
Worst of the Night Playoff Edition: May 7, 2012
By Raza at 9:11 AM
31 comments


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 "Hey Utah, GTFO"



 
 Duncan puts on his Aliens/Drive for Five face




A personal trainer attempts to absorb Chris Paul's basketball powers....flopping included.



 Corbin realizes that his summer plans involve spending more time with his mother in law




Mo Williams busts out his best Olivia Newton John imitation





Utah Jazz:  And just like that, the series was over before it ever felt like it began.  Utah fell to the Spurs 81-87, in a series where they never held on to a lead for more than 2 minutes through all four games.
The Jazz had their backs to the wall after getting humiliated yet again in Game 3.  This was after the Salt Lake Tribune blasted Utah for being a no show in the series.

So what do the Jazz do in a do or die Game 4?  Well let's just say when the going gets tough, the Jazz get going.....all the way home fishing.

Shooting a measly 36% from the floor, 65% from the free throw line (at home where everyone was so polite and quiet for them) and oh yeah, 0-13 on 3 pointers (compared to San Antonio's 10-22 from long range) and you've got yourself the recipe for a textbook sweep.  Oh, and that 0-13 performance was Utah's worst post season or regular since going 0-15 against the Rockets back in 2008.

While we're on the topic of long range, allow me to highlight the fact that San Antonio hit 33 three pointers whereas Utah hit 9 through all 4 games.  For those counting at home, that's a 99-27 point total advantage.

"We've shown when things are bad, we are going to continue to fight," Corbin said. "Any time you have a game against us, you are going to know you have been in a fight."

I'm sure when you play the Jazz you know you're going to be in a fight...just not with Utah as they all but rolled over and died in this series.  A solid attempt at a comeback in last night's game still doesn't diminish the fact that the Jazz got absolutely pummeled.  

"It was a good experience, going out there playing against the Spurs," said Favors, who was acquired along with Harris in the blockbuster trade that sent Williams to New Jersey last year. "It was a challenge. I thought I stepped up to the plate.  The rest of my teammates were awful.  Especially that goofy kid from the cast of Big Love....Gordy something"


That's eight straight playoff series losses for Utah.  Thanks for the memories fellas!



Memphis Carebears:  As if blowing a 27 point lead in Game 1 wasn't bad enough, the Grizzlies thought to give us an encore performance by completely falling apart in Game 3 to give the Clippers a 2-1 series lead.

In Game 4, the Grizz were down 10 late in regulation and then the Clippers though it would be fun to do a Memphis imitation and be exactly who we thought they were.

Leading 84-74 with 4 minutes left, the Clippers clanked, turnovered (that's a word, right?), and fouled their way into helping the Grizz go on a 13-3 run to close the game and force OT.

Paul couldn't even get off a shot at the end of regulation to go for the win.

"The worst mistake I probably made in the game was not getting the shot at the end of regulation," he added. "If I was at home watching it on TV, I'd be talking so bad about me, but instead I'll let 'Bawful do it for me. You've got to get through it. The [best] thing about it is that I have teammates that have confidence in me. Everything that we do is a team win, even if I feel like I'm alone on island with this bozo of a coach."

To make matters worse, despite a 30 point effort from Blake Griffin, Blake found himself on the bench for most of overtime with his 6th foul.  

Chris Paul took over in OT, getting back to back buckets to push the Clipper lead to 6 points and essentially end the game.

"Chris is always intense," Clippers coach Vinny Del Negro said. "That's what makes him special. Chris is so good, not only at making plays for himself, but making the right play, which is great since I can't draw one up to save my life.  That's what makes him a star."

That's right Vinny Del Negro is on the verge of a second round appearance.  

What a wacky season indeed.


Troll Reporter:







Crazy woman looking for Kenyon Martin....in Denver:

Can we give this woman the worst stalker of all time award?  She's completely drunk/incoherent, and wanders onto the court screaming "Where's Kenyon?!?" despite the fact that Martin hasn't been in a Nuggets uniform in over a year now:







Tonight's Closeout Games:


Magic vs Pacers:  Hopefully the Magic will show us mercy and end this series  for themselves as soon as possible.  Enjoy SVG's last game as a Magic head coach while you can.



Celtics vs Hawks:   What's the over/under on Joe Johnson half-assing his way into a 12 point 3 assist game tonight?  Brace yourselves for a night of listless performances from all over the league.



1776ers vs Bulls:  Man, what a bummer these playoffs have been for Chicago.  Of all the series remaining this one still might have some fight left in it.

The only thing that makes me giddy as a Spurs fan is that every time an 8th seed beats a 1st seed in the playoffs, a Texas team has gone on to win the title.

Just sayin'.


Lakers vs Nuggets:  Oh Denver, so close to making it 2-2 and keeping it interesting.  At least Gallinari's flop is one he can tell his kids about.




Chris's Lacktation Report:

Spurs-Jazz: James Anderson and Patrick Mills had 12 seconds of partying in the Princess's lair as celebratory Mario Twins!

In that same timespan, Blake Ahearn played Taps on Mario Pant.  And in 7:03, Enes Kanter pilfered perfection from the field (on one attempt) with two fouls and a turnover for a 3:2 Voskuhl.

Grizzlies-Clippers: Gilbert Arenas fouled once in 299 seconds for a +1. 



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Friday, May 04, 2012
Worst of the Night Playoff Edition: May 3, 2012
By Raza at 9:44 AM
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 Tyson Chandler points right to where the Heat kicked him 



13 straight playoff losses will do that to you



No Erik, no one wants to take a whiff



Watch out ladies, they're still single....some things never change




Jeremy Lin takes in an intense episode of Naruto




Uh Oh, Amare only gets that look when an unsuspecting fire extinguisher is nearby




New York Bricks:  Heading into this series, some thought there actually would be a chance at an upset, the Knicks would sneak up on the Heat and possibly take the series in 6.

Granted, all the people who felt that way lived in the Manhattan area, the Knicks got crushed in this series one game after another.  An Iman Shumpert injury coupled with Amare doing his best "Dirk vs Exercise Bike" imitation and....well you get the idea.

Speaking of Amare, here's actual footage of what went down the other day:





I just hope Amare has learned his lesson.  Fortunately for him, the Knicks have now placed the following instructions on all fire extinguishers within a 1000 mile radius:




As for Game 3, the Knicks were in good shape through halftime, hanging onto a 4 point lead despite no Amare or Shumpert.  LeCrab even found himself in foul trouble (for like the first time ever) as he was mostly MIA in the third quarter (as oppose to the fourth, which is the norm).

But then Monsieur Wade happened, the Heat regained the lead and never looked back.

Wade played the entire third quarter and went off for 12 points.

That wasn't the scary part.  A well rested Lebron came back for the fourth period and ripped the Knicks a new one with 17 points in the period alone as the lead ballooned to as much as 20.

"He was in foul trouble," Bosh said. "He was struggling a little bit and he had pretty much the whole third quarter to think about what was going on. It wasn't as much time for him to think as this past summer, but I think that was good for him. I think it really built a desire in him a little bit and then he made sure we got off to a great start in the fourth quarter which was very important for us."

As for Bosh, he was a question mark for this game due to the birth of his son, but ended up starting anyway.

While the Heat got stellar performances from their big two, the Knicks got another night at the office from their remaining big two.  Melo Yellow and Captain Worst Shot Selection in the NBA JR Smith combined for a whopping 12-41 from the field.  Looks like they joined forces to pay tribute to John Starks.

"When you can't score the basketball, that makes the game extremely hard, no matter how much defense we go down there and play," Anthony said.

And I agree, but then again I'm not getting paid millions of dollars to do it, unlike some people.

The Bricks have now set an all time NBA record with 13 straight playoff losses (their last win coming against the Craptors).  I'd like to let you know that no one in NBA history has come back from an 0-3 deficit.

Look for the Heat to keep it close during Game 4, and then come out of nowhere to break the game open in the fourth.   Kinda like Bosh in the gifs below:









_allas Mavericks:  In honor of the Heat, it looks like the Mavs are trying to do their best Miami 2007 impression.  Which is unfortunate, since Dallas had a pretty brutal showing in the 2007 playoffs anyway.

Speaking of impressions, Durant decided to give a Dirk 2011 performance, as he went 11-15 from the field, and the Thunder just annihilated the Mavs in what Jason Terry referred to as a game which was to be treated like a Game 7.

Yikes.

Dallas got outscored every single quarter in a crucial game, as Dirk sputtered with a 6-15 shooting night. The rest of his supporting cast wasn't so great either:

Shawn Marion: 1-8
Jason Kidd: 4-12
Jason "Turtlehead" Terry: 3-10
Vince Quitter:  2-8


That ladies and gentlemen, is how you manage to shoot 34% from the field as a team, get down by as many as 26 points (encouraging some fans to leave at the start of the fourth quarter) and never have a single lead.

Looking at those shooting performances, it's a miracle they were only down by as many as 26.

Never underestimate the heart of a champion.  Especially if that champion has their hearts ripped out in the past offseason by letting current DPOY Chandler walk, and putting all their hopes on one whiny bitch of a point guard in Deron Williams.

Keep up the good work Cubes!

Have I mentioned that no one has come back from an 0-3 deficit?  The last time a team was at least able to force a Game 7 in that scenario were the Portland Trailblazers.  Their opponent?  The Dallas Mavericks.

When looking at the AP quotes from both the Knicks/Mavs, I found these gems:

Tyson Chandler said. "Obviously no one wants to be in a hole 0-3, you know in the playoffs especially against a tough team like (Miami), but that's the way it is and we've got to keep fighting."

"Our mistakes we weren't able to overcome. Their high-level play, we weren't able to overcome either," Carlisle said. "It's really tough to go down 0-3. We're going to keep fighting."

So that settles it folks.  Anytime I'm about to get crushed in a game of anything, whether it's chess, battleship, or tennis,  I'm going to look my opponent straight in the eye and say "I'm going to keep fighting"

And then proceed to weep the rest of my summer away.

Speaking of weeping the summer away, we have to honor the woeful Bobscraps, who magnificently finished the season with the lowest winning percentage in NBA history.

To commemorate the event I thought we should take a look at our Paul Silas yearbook (who resigned as head coach and is now listening to Dashboard Confessional albums with Lamar Odom):





Weekend's Upcoming Games:   


FRIDAY:


Hawks vs Celtics:  Oh boy, after the hilarious come from behind victory the Celtics had despite no Allen or Rondo, you know this one ought to be a doozy.  The Hawks are going to be without Josh Smith and Al Hortford.  Let's just pencil this one as 2-1 Celtics.


Bulls vs 1776ers:  Still reeling from the Derrick Rose fiasco, we now have a series on our hands.  I still think the Bulls can take this series, but do they?


Lakers vs Nuggets:  You know, it's funny how the games where Kobe takes less than 15 shots, the Lakers usually win in commanding fashion.  Even the games where he shoots 75% from the floor (once a year) and takes 25+ shots, the Lakers kinda just "hang on" for the win.  I think Denver takes Game 3, and JaVale Magoo goes from a team that was on pace to be one of the worst of all time to getting his first (and maybe last?) playoff win of the year.





SATURDAY:


Pacers vs Magic:  I can promise you that you can find much better things to do on a Saturday night then watch this game.  Even bouncing a ball within the walls of your bedroom would lead to more excitement.

But at least we'll get to watch Hedo Turkeyglue in action.  Hell, even Stan Van Gundy hates him:


 




Grizzlies vs Clippers:  I don't know if anything can beat the uh...excitement of a 27 point come from behind victory.

But really folks, nothing beats the excitement this kid had for Z-Bo.....or maybe he's just as excited as I am that the Grizz were just 6 points from free hamburgers for the entire arena:







Thunder vs Mavs: 

Get ready to see a lot of this from Mark Cuban:






Spurs vs Jazz:  Well isn't this matchup exciting?  Maybe Utah can keep it interesting and only try to lose by less than 15 points.

As for the Spurs, every year we count them out, yet they refuse to go away and die.  As a matter of fact, team officials have already released the official 2025 Spurs Playoff Banner:







SUNDAY:


Bulls vs 1776ers:  If you're on the West Coast, I can't see you getting up at 10 AM for this game.  if you're on the East Coast and were partying hard the night before, keep sleeping.


Heat vs Knicks:  14 straight playoff losses baby!


Hawks vs Celtics:  This just about sums it up for the Hawks.




Lakers vs Nuggets:  By the time this game is over, I'm hoping we'll have more to add to the JaVale Magoo scrapbook!



Chris's Lacktation Report:

Heat-The Nearly Extinguished Brickerbockers: Norris Cole notched a foul in 222 seconds for a +1.

Thunder-Mavs: Nick Collison canceled out three boards in 13:18 with a brick, a turnover, and three fouls for a 4:3 Voskuhl.  Royal Ivey and Lazar Hayward had matching suck differentials of +1 in 201 seconds, Ivey via brick from the Majestic Theatre and Hayward via turnover.




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