Thanks to sites like Attu Sees All, Fazed, Linkapalooza, Stumble Upon, and Unique Daily, we've had over 10,000 hits on our Gatorade Conspiracy post. Consequently, we've also gotten a lot of comments and e-mail responses. Some of you laughed, some of you cried, and some of you just made rude statements about the quality and/or gender of the people we have sex with. Thank you, everyone. We plan to send each and every one of you a nice fruit basket and some Strawberry Shortcake stickers.Having worked for my high school and college newspapers, I know a little something about journalistic standards, and so all the "Fuck you" and "You're gay" e-mails made me realize something: I presented only one side of the story. It was my own biased side, and, honestly, I was okay with that. But, as any other good journalist would do, I decided to dig a little deeper in order to present the Counterpoint to my Point.
The first step was obvious: contact Gatorade Customer Service. I sent them an e-mail that, in effect, said "Your bottle looks like a giant penis. Please change it." This was Gatorade's response:
"We are glad to hear that you truly enjoy Gatorade and that nothing rehydrates you better. But we are disappointed that you found our packaging unsatisfactory. When developing product packages, numerous designs are considered. There are many factors involved in producing containers which function easily and best protect the product. The final selection is made on the basis of convenience, product safety and cost. Your comments and point of view have been shared with management. They are appreciated and will be considered in reviewing packaging in the future."
I'm still trying to figure out whether they actually read my e-mail or just sent back some kind of form letter. I think all that "We're glad Gatorade rehydrates you" stuff was their way of screwing with me. And listen up, Gatorade people, I don't find your packaging unsatisfactory. I find it looks like a giant, fruit-flavored schlong. Maybe if you weren't so busy blowing smoke up my ass, you could comment on that. And I sincerely doubt my viewpoint will be considered the next time Gatorade designs a bottle. Of course, I'll take that back if they ever release a drink dispenser shaped like Gwen Stefani's luscious breasts.After Gatorade gave me the brush off, I wasn't sure what else I could do. Then I discovered that Darren Rovell, ESPN.com's sports business reporter, runs a Gatorade blog. The blog is advertised as "An Unauthorized Look At One Of America's Most Dominant Brands." Darren even wrote an entire book about Gatorade. Personally, I think Darren and his Gatorade need to go get a room or something. But if anyone would know whether Gatorade is trying to force giant penises into the unsuspecting mouths of the sports drink drinking public, it would be him.
But what's this?! Before I could even contact Rovell, he made "first contact" by mentioning our post on his blog! Here was what he had to say:
"Over the past couple weeks, I've received two letters asking me if I thought that Gatorade's bottles were purposely phallic. I thought this was ridiculous. Gatorade's bottles are built the way they are because of the fact that the plastic has to hold up under extremely high heat without being permanently warped. The E.D.G.E. ergonomic bottle is made so that it can be optimally gripped. Not to mention the fact that, considering the majority of Gatorade's bottles are purchased by men and boys, it isn't too beneficial to intentionally shape your product like a piece of male anatomy. I'm not going to go into the graphic details that this site Basketbawful goes into, but I'll link it up here since I only expect this will spread around the Web more and, as with every Gatorade story, I like it to have some presence here."I admit to getting a little tingly about making it on the personal Web site of a guy who works for ESPN.com. Of course, that thrill was diminished by the fact that he called my theory "ridiculous." I don't really buy into his explanations, either. The bottle is shaped like a cock because of the heating process it's made with? Whaaaa?! So he's basically saying that it's physically impossible for Gatorade bottles not to look like a penis. I'm not a bottle-making scientist, or even what you would call "of average intelligence," but I'm pretty sure physics doesn't work that way. If that were the case, wouldn't all plastic bottles have contoured, penis-shaped tops?
His other two anti-conspiracy explanations actually play right into my hands. He contends that 1. Gatorade bottles are designed for maximum grippability, and 2. the primary target audience of Gatorade consists of men and boys (who, obviously, don't want to suck sports drink out of a simulated wang). But think about it. What single object do all men and boys spend most of their time gripping? That's right. The penis. Anybody who's gone through puberty can tell you that. So it stands to reason that, the phallic shape is the perfect design for optimum gripping. And it's already familiar, so guys aren't going to go around spilling their Gatorade.
I'm sorry Gatorade and Darren. I still think there's something fishy in the state of Denmark. After all, television and movies have proven that you can never trust rich mega-corporations. And anybody who keeps a special diary about his favorite sports drink is certifiably (and perhaps dangerously) insane. But that's okay. I don't really want to know the truth. It's funnier that way.
Coming Soon: Responses to the comments and e-mails about The Gatorade Conspiracy.
167 Comments:
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your cock seriously get real small at the tip.. oh no you just ignore the actual shape to make your stupid point so 13 year olds, or those who never grew out of the "hehehe penis=funny" stage can sit and laugh
real comedic genius
maybe you can do the same article again with powerade, all-sport, juicy juice, just about every other bottle ever...
Seriously, who really gives a shit what the hell the bottle looks like. It's not the bottle that rehydrates you, it's whats inside.
You are either 10 or gay. Im sure if the bottle looked like a pair of tits it would much more appealing to you. However, for a *guy* to automatically think its a penis? Riiiiiiight!?!?!?! Free speech is a wonderful thing, isnt it?
There are much more things in this world than to worry about a damned bottle. Our people are dying and your writing about a fucking bottle!
I hope that Gatorade can sue you Lame Ass Losers.
to be a complaining little bitch like you i'd like to say a few things myself...
yes it would be nice to have a bottle in the shaped like a tit, or a set of tits...secondly, people are dying everywhere, so whine about that somewhere else.. how about NOT wasting your time to post a comment bashing the author of this article and use that time to go out and help out those that are dying.. cuz complaining about a little things like this is hell of a lot more important isn't it?. thirdly, eat shit and leave this guy alone.
this isn't an article that's to hit the national newspapers, it's a blog and people post their opinions on things.. free speech is a wonderful thing.
peace out bitches!
Some people seem to think they need to make ad hominum attacks to build their pathetic egos. But if this thread bothers tham so much, perhaps they shouldn't keep coming back to read it; or maybe their computers are possessed, and they are just unwitting "victims".
I'm going to start a series of poignant yet satirical articles regarding the persistent Iraqi insurgency, the utilitarian objectives of the Bush administration, and the resulting trickle-down effect on governmental soverignty and economic sanctions. I'll find a way to blame all of this on Greg Ostertag.
That is, if my mom will let me. Because, you know, I'm only 10 years old.
I'm going to recommend other sports bloggers to stop writing about sports as well. Oh, angry anonymous guy. So wise. So anonymous. And so ANGRY.
Oh, and to all who are that inane, Gatorade bottles DO have the shape of a Phallus. But then again, so to a million and one other things. The point is that you can correlate seemingly disimilar objects by finding a commonality between the two, even if that commonality conjures itself like this: 8====>
Pictures. Now.
I mean come on, most of us, no matter what we think of porn, especially strange penetrative objects being used on women, find it curious. If you caught a glimpse of a some lady using a banana (since we're obsessed with that fruit) to penetrate herself, we find it hard to look away. Not cuz she's naked (naked people, oh well), but something new and strange usually gets stared at, it's human nature.
If ur so concerned with "people dying" you wouldn't be reading a blog about a world famous sports drink that has a penis shaped bottle, according to the blogger that is.
Pictures. Now.
how about.. get a life you losers.
Let me break this down real simple-like for the people who wanted to come in here and flame the author:
The bottle is shaped like a fucking penis. Sure, it's not proportionally accurate, but the resemblance is there. Alright, now we've obviously got some people who are a little upset by the idea that they put a large penis-like bottle to their mouths everyday at the gym and on the field after a workout. You could say they were being defensive, yes? The first insult that comes to their mind is "you're gay". Hmmm...
All you flamers (oops!) out there following me so far?
Welcome to the land of the insecure. You like Gatorade? Great, drink up and laugh about the shape of the bottle. Move on. Those of you who feel the need come in here and bash a genuinely funny article because you can't handle the idea of a penis shaped object coming near you should re-evaluate your motivations.
Is your world dark, small perhaps? Two or three feet of room on each side, low ceiling? Hmm... If I may, it's called a closet. Get over yourselves or get out and acknowledge who you really are. There's no shame in loving the cock. I love mine. You just want to love everyone elses, and that's okay.
I think that about covers it.
http://editorial.gettyimages.com/source/search/details_pop.aspx?iid=55918194&cdi=0
Gatorade is nothing more than Kool-aid with salt added to it, what do you think electrolytes are??? A chimp could have invented Gatorade
I spent no less than a week (perhaps 2 counting all of the times the topic was revisited) in marketing at a very reputable business school discussing hidden symbols and just how intentional they are (see the pepsi sex cans, the little mermaid, or any liquor ad ever).
Besides, anatomically inspired containers are nothing new, most goblets and wine glasses are inspired by the female breast.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go ride the Great White Knuckler while looking at that picture of Gwen.
I think this is hilarious and should be enjoyed for what it is: an article to get a few laughs out. Anyone who takes this seriously and gets angered by it should just chill out. It's not a big deal...
kudos to your site :)
1. Gatorade=Penis
2. Sense of humor is relative
3. Gatorade and penis' have nothing to do with people dying
4. A guy posted on his blog, got national attention and hate posts from people who take him and themselves much too seriously.
5. Nobody spells worth a shit when they reply on here, myself included I'm sure.
whoever wrote this, thank you so much. i will never be able to drink gatorade again. seriously though, nicely done.
Thank you for confirming my suspicions.
However the purile nature of the bravely anonymous posts (I ought to point out that this is intended as sarcasm as I suspect it would not be recognised) is quite astonishing. I am surprised both by the repeated use of words like "Gay" and "Retard" (so useful when trying to convince someone of your point) and the amazingly defensive posture they assume.
So to the author, excellent job on producing an interesting read which generated such wonderful commments.
To the anonymous commenters, come on guys (or girls) be brave, put your name on it and learn to write. Please.
Oh yeah this site is definately going in my favorites.
Riftsaw out...
In most people this is the most powerful part of the subconscious, and the part associated with the most 'hangups' and 'issues'
You will often see words like 'kill' 'sex' or 'fuck' in some subliminal ads but it usually is hard to find
Ive seen ads for McDonalds chicken nuggets where the nuggets were shaped like the head of a penis! A time cover with gadaffi on the front had the words 'sex' and 'kill' on the forehead subliminally
I find when I am watching music videos I am exposed to pretty powerful subliminal technology that literally 'mesmerizes' you. All this is delibrate, and anyone who says its a 'conspiracy theory' is either trying to put out disinfo or is an ignorant idiot. There is a reason the government and advertising spend the MOST on researching behaviour and the mind!
Do a search on 'subliminal ads' image/ web search on google!
-Rook.
all advertisers know sex sells
did you ever consider that the penis may be shaped to look like a gatorade bottle so that this whole women-empowerment-sports thing wouldn't turn into another Lysistrata nightmare.
;d
I enjoy stupid jokes every to often just for the hell of stupid jokes, but when you start making mistakes like that, it ceases to be funny and becomes just insulting.
All you fools flaming the guy have no humour. I'm not talking about the whole 'hehehe a penis!' thing - I'm talking about how funny the way he executed this joke is.
It's so funny to read. Lighten up.
Hahaahahaa.
Great article!!!
Dig deeper into this - It has potential.
your cock seriously get real small at the tip.. oh no you just ignore the actual shape to make your stupid point so 13 year olds, or those who never grew out of the "hehehe penis=funny" stage can sit and laugh
real comedic genius
maybe you can do the same article again with powerade, all-sport, juicy juice, just about every other bottle ever..."
Hes drinking gatorade right now
everyone who is all defensive on the penis thing is obviously a closet homo in denial. case closed
Let me enphatize that this is no joke matter, this things WORK (otherwise they wouldn't be used) and everybody should know at least what is this all about, because even that this techniques are illegal, they are still in use and the ONLY way to be less influenciable by them is to know them.
Like RATM said "Know your enemy!"
I love how you contorted all that Gatorade considers holy to suit your controversy theory.
BRAVO!
thank you for opening my eyes.
the end.
best post i have read in while...and i dont read..
You might be right.
And, yes, it's a Viagra issue.
Myshutupnow.
You made it onto Torrentspy's news articles, and it's received 135 Shouts. A sort of ranking if this wasn't known.
I can't believe people are calling this childish, and complaining. It's an article about a wang... it's funny. If you can't find the humor in that, then you're either too stuck up to get it, got something stuck up your butt (possibly a gatorade bottle?), are are so pure that you haven't seen your own (or somebody else's penis) and therefore think it's a crime against humanity for this article to be written.
... or maybe you're just retarded who knows.
Anywho, good job!
Listen to Jordan Maxwell.
If you disagree, fine, but calling people immature and/or gay makes you seem desperate for other people not to consider the possibility that it's true. Why would you care what other people think, unless you think it's true, but have a hard time dealing with that truth. Deal with it.
Incidentally, the Washington monument is 555 feet high (or 6660 inches)and has a further 20% underground as a foundation, making it 666 feet. There is also a Satanic pentagram in the layout of Washington DC, with the arm pointing down right into the White House. There is also a compass and square (Masonic) and an Owl (Molech - see Alex Jones and Bohemian Grove, and the dollar bill).
So now do you think the PTB would not deliberately make a cock-shaped bottle for a drink that is promoted by the world's best athletes?
(and wow, andross, your dad's friend's mom has big nipples)
Thanks for making me analyze commercials even further. Now I can't enjoy those anymore...
I mean, it's just flavoured salt water, right?
Surely their success lies in their marketing strategies.
I find it particularily interesting how successful you can be by using a phallus symbol in your product. Subconsciously, I guess, everyone feels cool about holding a big penis. Or maybe it's just familiar and that's why you choose it over the other not-as-penis-like products on the shelf.
Although, I don't think many women could tame the gatorade beast. Have you seen how wide those things are?
I guess there is a thing called childbirth...but that's not really fun.
On the other hand, the article is developed and written very nicely. Good job.
http://www.fake-detective.com/book-4/case398.jpg
---
DeweyTime
It's a bottle, people. And a website about a guy making a joke about a bottle.
By the way: ONE MILLION THANKS for the picture of Gwen Stefani. I had never seen those, and can actually die happier now.
Anyhoo, excellent website. It gave me an excellent laugh!
my 32 oz. just shrunk down to an 8 oz.
LOLOLOLOLOL ROFL LMAO
0.o
I don't know who wrote this, but can we have sex?
Ktnx. ^^
Nice one Basketbawful
Also, I find nothing funny about and am offended by cock-bottles, cocks, bottles, rocks, atlatles, or any variation thereof. Please refrain from displaying your camaraderie with phallic imagery at any further length. Thank you for your cooperation, and thank you for not also pointing out that Freud believes bottles are unconscious references to a certain unprintable area of the female anatomy.
(The pussy).
First: There is nothing lame about taking your free time to write something that you find amusing. Being creative in anyway is better then most of you pissed of peoples fat kids can drag themselves around to do.
Second: To actually take the time to post a comment on something you read all the way through even though you think its stupid is an even bigger waste of time you stupid silly little people.
Third: Everyone loves cock straight men love their cocks, women love cocks, even lesbians love cocks thats why the dildo is so popular.
The man has a point!
Thus they are homophobes. Some people are homophobes because they fear that they are themselves homosexuals.
Those who said that the blogger was gay. Well it's said that people insult others depending on their own defaults. So you're gay, not the blogger.
To those who said that he was probably 10 years old. You are trying to prove your point by trying to be superior to the blogger.
About the e-mail reply from Gatorade. It is clear that it is an automatic message.
Gatorade bottles do look like cocks.
fuck he's right. i just feel like a dick head now. how could we have been so imature AARGH WE SUCK AND HE IS THE MAN.
You don't see me bitching about the world failing to notice the spongey goodness of a Nerf football on a website devoted to minefield victims.
I think he needs to take the stick out of his a$$, grab a seat of the bench, wrap his lips around the opening of a Gatorade bottle and just swallow a squirt. Yeesh!
the product designer said "sure, we're ASKED to make them look like human anatomy" but they can't be blatant or advertise such because of America's prudishness.
that rang true. in an honest society, gatorade's ads would have botttles with veins and a couple of bulges on the bottom and say, "Gatorade: Now even MORE penis-shaped!"
I love the idea!
keep us informed.. !
you are arguing in a forum.
in a forum.
retards.
[ty]
"our people are dying and your (*you're) writing about a bottle"
So what? It's funny. Because our country is at war we should set aside humor???
"you're arguing in a forum. retards."
It's fun to argue in forums. What's so "retarded" about that? We could argue on the streets instead, that would be less "retarded?" I'm pretty sure that someone who was actually "retarded" would have a difficult time with computers and the internet.
This is funny. Very, very funny. I cannot stop laughing. I wish someone had linked me to this site before.
However, this article is genius. As commented earlier, sex is an incredibly potent advertising tool, and it's somewhat awkward to shape a bottle like tits or a pussy, without being overtly obvious.
But, the still images from Gatorade ads lead me to believe there's not a conspiracy, just a bunch of twisted personalities in Gatorade's marketing and Design departments, all of whom are making big bucks, and are all having a private piss-themselves laugh everytime they see America's social gods sticking phalluses in their faces, and joyfully devouring the contents. It's a concept not much unlike Revenge of the Nerds on heroin. High-school jock tortures nerdy kid. Jock becomes sports star, nerd becomes Gatorade design exec. Nerd gets revenge with advertising and phallus-shaped bottle. You forgot to mention what exactly Gatorade mostly tastes like: salty. I'll let the sexually-experienced readers here laugh at the joke, and let the un-experienced readers work it out for themselves.
As to the flamers, I believe they're getting rather 'uncomfortable' with all these penis references. Because it's not 'right' to have any kind of sexual response to that kind of talk, is it you neo-rednecks?! Who are the gay ones here, the ones having a good laugh about a dick-shaped bottle, or the ones shuffling their feet and spewing moronic brain-diaorreha from behind their veil of anonmity? You have my condolances for losing your balls in some hideous accident.
After reading this article, I'm going to have a lot of fun with my friends, pointing out what the bottle looks like after they've taken a long deep swig. I never really drank Gatorade; the taste never seemed quite right.
And hey, let's not be insulting rednecks; plenty of them (us?) will have at least as big a laugh as anyone else. Let's just let all the neo-Victorian throwbacks have their egotrips, kick them once or twice, and leave them be. ^.^
as for your blogs, i think it was really funny. in fact, i might make a mini-movie about it taking ideas off of your blogs to make this video and post it on youtube and our myspace. www.myspace.com/stoopidteenagedudestudios
oh and that dude who bitched about people dying in our country and us laughing at gatorade should grow up. people are gonna die anyway so having something to laugh about just helps. besides, if i see that dude dying on my backyard asking for help, id give him a bottle of gatorade filled with real man-yogurt.
For those who dont find this funny u have no sense of humor AT ALL. Get that Tampon outa ur ass. You seriously never hung out with a bunch of friends and discovered new shit? Maybe the guy was high when he found out that a gatorade bottle looks like a penis Lol.
either way GREAT discovery do more!!!
This is a freakin' hilarious post and should be laughed at, not argued over.
And the dude was right... that guy sooooo walked into it.
I just had to leave a comment for the stupid asses who thinks the Gatorade Bottle looks like a penis. Really now, are you that bored that you have to imagine shit or are you just pissed because you can't come up with something as awesome as Gatorade. People are so bored lately, they have to make up shit about something else to amuse their little brains.
Seriously, who really gives a shit what the hell the bottle looks like. It's not the bottle that rehydrates you, it's whats inside.
You are either 10 or gay. Im sure if the bottle looked like a pair of tits it would much more appealing to you. However, for a *guy* to automatically think its a penis? Riiiiiiight!?!?!?! Free speech is a wonderful thing, isnt it?
There are much more things in this world than to worry about a damned bottle. Our people are dying and your writing about a fucking bottle!
I hope that Gatorade can sue you Lame Ass Losers.
# posted by Anonymous : 4/06/2006 8:12 PM
i am in the military (USMC), and i think this article is funny as all hell. being that i am in the military means maturity is a given (not exactly for all members of the armed forces, but for the most part), and i am no longer in the hehe penis=funny stage as another post said it. and agian, this shit is funny. you are obvously not 10 because of your style, but you might be gay, but certainly not because of this article.
rather, this article is hilarious because of the style and your sense of humor, not because 'oh hey, look, a giant penis. oh wait its just another damned bottle of gatorade'. so the people that are telling everyone on this post to grow up and gay and fag and shit, they are in fact the ones that need to do some growing, because im perfectly comfordable where i am at, being this does not piss me off but make me laugh. relax, i dont want your negative aura rubbing off on me
I want it in me, baby
I want it in me so good
mmmmmmmm
harder
Nipple
that looks like a tit.
The commenters of the world need to lighten the fuck up, seriously.
2. It is intentional, therefore, manipulative.
3. Gatorade is unhealthy (type of sugar/salt).
4. Gatorade is expensive (gotta pay for that marketing).
5. Distilled water+raw honey+Celtic sea salt=healthy equivalent.
6. Don't get mad, get smart -reject being mind controlled through marketing and advertising.
7. I like sexy curvy glassware, but I'll pass on the plastic penis.
Energy Patent Agent