Have you ever pulled a joke on somebody, but you could never tell them about it because it was a prank so foul, so degrading, so truly evil...that revealing it would have had dire consequences? Like maybe spitting on someone's food or stealing the Playboy they kept under their mattress during puberty for emergency masturbatory purposes? (And yes: I'm talking to you, Chris Wallace, you thieving bastard!)
Sure you have. We all have. But this isn't the place for confessions, so please don't flood our inbox with comments about how you replaced your sister's birth control pills with Tic Tacs. If we really cared about your life, we'd call ourselves "Dear Abby," and we would suck.
No, today I want to expose the conspiracy the people at Gatorade have been perpetrating on the sports drink drinking public for the past few decades. I first discovered their dastardly plot back in high school, but just like when you accidentally walked in on your grandparents having sex -- ugly, sweaty, disgusting sex -- I haven't had the courage to talk about it. Until now.
So let's begin. Please look at the following image and tell me what you see.
Not sure? Okay, look more closely. Much more closely...
Okay. If you said anything other than "penis," then you're either a liar, a eunuch, or a Gatorade employee trying desperately to hold onto your job. Because it is, in fact, a Gatorade bottle:
You thought it was a penis. Admit it.
How is it that no one else has ever brought this up? The bottle that contains the most popular sports drink on the planet looks like a big, thick, throbbing penis, from the clearly defined and strangely textured head to the perfectly tapered shaft. The only thing missing are a few well-placed veins. Of course, the Gatorade apologists could argue that the male penis comes in an endless variety of shapes and sizes, many of which are strange and asymmetrical. The Gatorade bottles, on the other hand, have standard sizes and are all perfectly proportional. To which I say: whatever.
Experience the bolder taste...of fruit-flavored cock.
Maybe it's all a simple misunderstanding. Maybe nature figured out billions of years ago that the penis was the perfect fluid dispenser, and now people are just unconsciously copying that design. I mean, the phallic shape is everywhere: pencils, missles, rocket ships, skyscrapers, mustard containers, hot dogs, baseball bats...the list could literally go on and on. So sure, perhaps the penis is the perfect shape for just about anything. But that still doesn't explain the overt and obvious sexual connotations in ads like this:
Come on, now. I've seen porn that isn't this blatant.
I just can't accept the idea that this is just a coincidence. There's no way. Which brings me to the conspiracy part. Why do I think it's a conspiracy, you ask? Think about it. You take the world's premier sports drink and package it inside a giant penis-shaped thing, and you know what happens? Every macho stud, every muscular he-man, every guy who takes his masculinity just a little bit too seriously...at some point is going to put a cock in his mouth and suck. That's right. Because no one drinks Gatorade out of a cup, and you have to actively squeeze on and suck out of the bottle to get the drink to dispense as fast as you want it.
Are you still a doubter? Do you think I'm overreacting, or, at worst, just making up wild stories? Fine. Believe what you will. But before you make your final decision, consider this screen capture from an actual Gatorade advertisement that ran during a televised basketball game this season:
Under a black light, Gatorade looks just like...well, you know.
Uh huh. The Gatorade people are all but rubbing our noses in it. You know somewhere there are several rich men sitting in a board room and laughing like Dr. Evil every time they watch Michael Jordan give a big, sloppy blow job on national television. Gatorade commercials tend to feature our best athletes, whether male or female, and they all without exception show said athlete slurping down nutritious, electrolyte-laden fluids straight from the universal life source. Sometimes they pour it all over themselves, bukake-style, and, for God's sake, they even sweat it out of their very pores (as exampled above). Few men are as homophobic as professional male athletes, and few women are as liberated as professional female athletes, and we get to see them all play the bitch to a giant phallic symbol, again and again, on national television. Gatorade's tagline "Is It In You?" is pretty appropriate, but if that's not "subtle" enough, maybe they should change it to "Is It Thrusting Hard And Deep Into You?".
And if you think about it, the joke is really never-ending. I, for one, will never be able to watch someone drink Gatorade without wincing, laughing, or both (probably both). Need proof? Go do a Google image search for Gatorade. You know what you'll find? Pictures like this:
This poor kid took the "money shot" at his soccer game.
You'll also find pictures like this:
Young women are perfecting their blowjob skills in schoolyards across the country. With a little help from Gatorade, of course.
You'll even find pictures like this, where a seemingly innocent senior picture turned into something much more suggestive:
An innocent senior picture, or a production still from Fill All Her Dirty Holes Again - Part 17?
It seems like our whole society is preoccupied with the male penis. And this isn't a new thing. Have you ever seen an Ancient Egyption obelisk? Ancient Greek and Roman columns? Cock-shaped weapons like the sword and spear were specifically designed for quick, powerful thrusting. I guess the major difference between the ancients and us is that, back then, phallic symbols were reserved for things like art, war, and architecture. Now they're used for everything from flying into space to replacing the complex carbohydrates we lose while running a marathon.
And so we have the Gatorade bottle. So much of the advertising for this stuff centers around "increased stamina" and the ability to "last longer" in sports and other activities. So maybe it's just natural that the vessle for this amazing concoction would be the living symbol for strength and endurance. And the best part is, Gatorade turns sticky when it dries, just like cum. So the Gatorade people have done everything they can to rehydrate us while using the most powerful and lasting icon in the history of mankind.
And if this is all just some whimsical flight of fancy on my part, then I can only offer my most sincere apology. But if you're ever caught away from home without your favorite sex toys, and you need a little help "getting the job done," you can find Gatorade almost anywhere anything is sold. I'm just sayin'.
Gatorade comes in virtually any size and shape you may need for, you know, whatever.
Homotastic Edit: I took some serious criticism from fellow Basketbawfulite Dave "Badass" Larson for not including a picture of Michael Jordan getting it on with his Gatorade. So, without further ado...
Yes, even Michael Jordan enjoys cool liquid refreshment from a giant penis.
Part II: Gatorade responds to our conspiracy theory.
Sure you have. We all have. But this isn't the place for confessions, so please don't flood our inbox with comments about how you replaced your sister's birth control pills with Tic Tacs. If we really cared about your life, we'd call ourselves "Dear Abby," and we would suck.
No, today I want to expose the conspiracy the people at Gatorade have been perpetrating on the sports drink drinking public for the past few decades. I first discovered their dastardly plot back in high school, but just like when you accidentally walked in on your grandparents having sex -- ugly, sweaty, disgusting sex -- I haven't had the courage to talk about it. Until now.
So let's begin. Please look at the following image and tell me what you see.
Not sure? Okay, look more closely. Much more closely...
Okay. If you said anything other than "penis," then you're either a liar, a eunuch, or a Gatorade employee trying desperately to hold onto your job. Because it is, in fact, a Gatorade bottle:
How is it that no one else has ever brought this up? The bottle that contains the most popular sports drink on the planet looks like a big, thick, throbbing penis, from the clearly defined and strangely textured head to the perfectly tapered shaft. The only thing missing are a few well-placed veins. Of course, the Gatorade apologists could argue that the male penis comes in an endless variety of shapes and sizes, many of which are strange and asymmetrical. The Gatorade bottles, on the other hand, have standard sizes and are all perfectly proportional. To which I say: whatever.
Maybe it's all a simple misunderstanding. Maybe nature figured out billions of years ago that the penis was the perfect fluid dispenser, and now people are just unconsciously copying that design. I mean, the phallic shape is everywhere: pencils, missles, rocket ships, skyscrapers, mustard containers, hot dogs, baseball bats...the list could literally go on and on. So sure, perhaps the penis is the perfect shape for just about anything. But that still doesn't explain the overt and obvious sexual connotations in ads like this:
I just can't accept the idea that this is just a coincidence. There's no way. Which brings me to the conspiracy part. Why do I think it's a conspiracy, you ask? Think about it. You take the world's premier sports drink and package it inside a giant penis-shaped thing, and you know what happens? Every macho stud, every muscular he-man, every guy who takes his masculinity just a little bit too seriously...at some point is going to put a cock in his mouth and suck. That's right. Because no one drinks Gatorade out of a cup, and you have to actively squeeze on and suck out of the bottle to get the drink to dispense as fast as you want it.
Are you still a doubter? Do you think I'm overreacting, or, at worst, just making up wild stories? Fine. Believe what you will. But before you make your final decision, consider this screen capture from an actual Gatorade advertisement that ran during a televised basketball game this season:
Uh huh. The Gatorade people are all but rubbing our noses in it. You know somewhere there are several rich men sitting in a board room and laughing like Dr. Evil every time they watch Michael Jordan give a big, sloppy blow job on national television. Gatorade commercials tend to feature our best athletes, whether male or female, and they all without exception show said athlete slurping down nutritious, electrolyte-laden fluids straight from the universal life source. Sometimes they pour it all over themselves, bukake-style, and, for God's sake, they even sweat it out of their very pores (as exampled above). Few men are as homophobic as professional male athletes, and few women are as liberated as professional female athletes, and we get to see them all play the bitch to a giant phallic symbol, again and again, on national television. Gatorade's tagline "Is It In You?" is pretty appropriate, but if that's not "subtle" enough, maybe they should change it to "Is It Thrusting Hard And Deep Into You?".
And if you think about it, the joke is really never-ending. I, for one, will never be able to watch someone drink Gatorade without wincing, laughing, or both (probably both). Need proof? Go do a Google image search for Gatorade. You know what you'll find? Pictures like this:
You'll also find pictures like this:
You'll even find pictures like this, where a seemingly innocent senior picture turned into something much more suggestive:
It seems like our whole society is preoccupied with the male penis. And this isn't a new thing. Have you ever seen an Ancient Egyption obelisk? Ancient Greek and Roman columns? Cock-shaped weapons like the sword and spear were specifically designed for quick, powerful thrusting. I guess the major difference between the ancients and us is that, back then, phallic symbols were reserved for things like art, war, and architecture. Now they're used for everything from flying into space to replacing the complex carbohydrates we lose while running a marathon.
And so we have the Gatorade bottle. So much of the advertising for this stuff centers around "increased stamina" and the ability to "last longer" in sports and other activities. So maybe it's just natural that the vessle for this amazing concoction would be the living symbol for strength and endurance. And the best part is, Gatorade turns sticky when it dries, just like cum. So the Gatorade people have done everything they can to rehydrate us while using the most powerful and lasting icon in the history of mankind.
And if this is all just some whimsical flight of fancy on my part, then I can only offer my most sincere apology. But if you're ever caught away from home without your favorite sex toys, and you need a little help "getting the job done," you can find Gatorade almost anywhere anything is sold. I'm just sayin'.
Homotastic Edit: I took some serious criticism from fellow Basketbawfulite Dave "Badass" Larson for not including a picture of Michael Jordan getting it on with his Gatorade. So, without further ado...
Part II: Gatorade responds to our conspiracy theory.
333 Comments:
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contact: basketbawful@yahoo.com
smootade"
And that's about the highest praise I can give a website.
http://www.cockolada.de/
To the morons who are pissed: "Do you work for Gatorade?" What? No?
Then SHUT THE HELL UP.
Huge, Huge, HUGE kudos to you, this is friggin' HILLARIOUS. I sent this link around our training class and everyone was laughing their ass off. Good stuff matey.
I'm looking forward to the pictorial though.
JENNA JAMESON!!!
Guess what you are gay!!!!
He's a homosexual because he recognizes the shape of a penis? This post is a work of comic genius; the writer deserves kudos, not flames.
I'd never drink directly out of a Gatorade bottle though. That has been scientifically proven to turn you gay. If you're already gay, it will turn you Uncle Arthur/alien in the attic gay. :D
This article was hilarious!!!
Izzy
BUKAKKE!!!!
Rocket Jones
I HAVE BEEN SAYING THIS FOR YEARS AND MY FRIENDS THINK I AM NUTS!!
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!
The Boss
beside being anonymous,
you can see the little pricks are pissed.
I swear to drink only Boo-Koo for energy from now until the day the caffine kills me.
Now it seems so obvious... the bottle, the advertising.
Now Gatorade doesn't seem so appealing.
Their gonna want take it off the selfs ....
Although itd very funny to me!!!hehe..
Their gonna want take it off the shelfs ....
Although itd very funny to me!!!hehe..
YOUR A COMMUNIST SPY FROM GATORADE!
# posted by Luluâ„¢ : 1:33 AM "
Wtf??? massive LOL/
nice post mate.!!
So what if all bottle looks like it, you pointed it out, and wittyily too.
grats man.
still lol tho
PowerAde Penis
Thanks again for the read, also keep them CUMMING - no pun intended.
*clear the road, genius coming through* You people really need to get a fucking life.
SEACREST OUT
The artical was funny
Many of the posts were retarded
Conspiracy??? WTF ever
Did Gatorade marketing intentionally design the bottle to look like a Penis? Most likely because sex sells.
But do I really give a shit? Nope.
I like Gatorade. I'm not going to stop drinking it because somebody pointed out that it ressembles a Penis.
In short it was a funny read but a bit childish.
Regards,
NK
I have seen porn much more blatant than what was illustrated.
But not by much.
Funny article. But I'm not saying shit about it to my wife and 10 year old daughter. Gatoraid is the only way I can get them to STFU on long road trips! :D
Max Payne.
titi
Secondly, people find phallus-shapes in the world, like, ALL THE TIME. So there's a resemblance between a Gatorade bottle and the penis, I mean, if you crop the photo just right--Whoa, stop the presses....
Thirdly, So, somebody discovered that sex is used to sell something. BIG HAIRY DEAL.
I guess we can forget about Kennedy, Iran-Contra, and the run-up to the Iraq war, now that the earth-shaking truth about Gatorade has been made public
To all the people who are like, "OMG ITS A PENIS EW IM SUEING YOU, blah blah blah", please shut up..lol
"just admit it". And don't give me any crap about "why the f**k did you read it in the first place?" What, only people who agree prior to reading it have the right to read and respond?
Signed, First of All
"electrolytes smell like semen"
That said, I've no doubt that products are marketed with tawdry sexual suggestions, etc., and those targeted at sports fans are no exception, but doesn't this "Gatorade Conspiracy" post both belabor the obvious (when its right) and make ridiculous, silly stretches everywhere else? -FOA
~jp~
...Totally worth it.
Y'know, it's people the author of that article that makes me want to kill most of the male population and start over. I mean, that's as bad as al lthe cowboys snorting and giggling over every hill 'cause it looked vaguely like a boob. So, should we also claim that every vaguely round shape is really a breast? I mean, give the damn thing a rest already! Not everything that is long and ends in a point is a penis.
Get. The fuck. Over it.
Great shit man, all you cunts who dont like the post need to grow up.
Who said anything about sports?
Insane.
I always thought Gatorade tasted a bit too sweet...
2 words. Douche Bag.
This is very funny.
And I thought you did a good job.
-Jaymee Starr
Anyway, thanks for the smile and laughs to break up my day.
www.x2obuilder.com/xbox
GAY-torade.
Who are the stupid F***s who actualy took the time to read it then decided to leave a post complaning about how it was a waste of time?? Do they know how stupid that makes them look???
Anyway I had a hunch about gatorade, and a few other things too... HAHAHA ;) KUDOS
god I hate homophobic people.
Great post, I can't stop laughing
You know, like in those bomb threat videos?
Nice expose. And I love it when people with horrible grammar and the inability to spell critique pieces of intellectual property.
What's up with that XXX-rated Gangsta' rap that was posted? It serves the same purpose as graffiti over graffiti--totally pointless and just downright annoying.
My favorite are the ads for H2's - "Hummer - Like nothing else"
Damn straight!
Oh well, atleast now I cana fuck with my friends and Gatorade now.
I know some people like adressing why others may not like this or are just bitchin' about it, but hey, if they don't like it oh well. And if you really don't like it, shit let it go and move on. I mean, just sayin'.
For once, he's actually posted something interesting.
so yea, i had been having an extremely crappy day where nothing goes your way -- you know the kind -- when all of a sudden, as a was surfing the net, your blog popped up!
it grabbed my attention, and even kept it and i really enjoyed it.....i even drank a gatorade this afternoon (in the bottle!! lol) and it almost had me shooting gatorade out my nose! (almost, but not really)
well, i have added this to my favorites so now i am going to go find some more "conspiracies" (why do cupcakes look like breasts?) goodbye!
btw, you have to take things in stride (the good and the bad) so dont worry about those crude, rude, and lewd comments that just keep cumming (pun intended, i saw someone else had written that....i did not make that up)
The artical was funny
Many of the posts were retarded
Conspiracy??? WTF ever
Did Gatorade marketing intentionally design the bottle to look like a Penis? Most likely because sex sells.
But do I really give a shit? Nope.
I like Gatorade. I'm not going to stop drinking it because somebody pointed out that it ressembles a Penis.
In short it was a funny read but a bit childish.
Regards,
NK"
The most effective post on this whole fucking page. I honestly couldnt've summarized this better myself. Hats off to you, NK!
1. If you were to catagorize this work it would be considered satire, so get a life when you go look shit up to prove this magnificent satirist wrong.
2. If you don't like the humor why keep reading? Move on with your life and find another site that suits you, don't complain to the free world.
3. The author did not call you or the athletes gay, he stated that it was a conspiracy by gatorade to make them LOOK gay not BE gay.
5. I skipped 4.
and
6. This was extremely well written with the propper amount of research to say "Hell yeah" this was funny as shit.
Beautiful I say, beautiful
Techkey
And dang people, it's just a JOKE. A pretty funny one at that.
i dread to drink it now :(
This post was outstanding, and I too am laughing very hard at all the silly jocks who are taking offense to it because they know how much they tip back on the cock-shaped bottle in public, and now whenever they do they will have to worry about others getting a bit of a laugh out of it.
Bravo old chap.
OH YEA!!!
The guys will never look at a gatorade bottle the same after this! I'm always looking for something to interest the guys at the couples parties, LOL
Romance and relationships are enhanced by mypartygal!
When the Romans wanted to depict a phallus, they didn't bother hiding it. They had a statue of Priapus by their front door with a huge phallus & a nasty poem. They had a mosaic of him on their wall. They had wind chimes of phalluses with legs & their own phalluses. We naturally don't include these in most of our history books, but if you do a little research you can find them.
An Roman would've laughed at you if you suggested a column was supposed to represent a phallus, because--if that were the case--it would look exactly like a phallus.
Hilarious.
For the record, I don't want to be like Mike.