Intolerable cruelty

Jason Kidd, who once beat up his wife Joumana over a french fry "while holding a container of yogurt in his hand," has filed for divorce. Apparently, Kidd was the beaten man, a victim of "extreme cruelty" and spousal abuse. Joumana's abusive behavior included, but is not limited to, the following:

1. Making him look bad in front of his kids

2. Spilling paint on his golf clubs

3. Sitting on his car (making him late for practice)

4. Waving his cell phone and punching numbers

5. Taunting

6. Lavish spending

I can only imagine the kind of personal hell Jason's life has been through all of this. I mean, have you ever tried to hit a ball out of the sandtrap with paint on your clubs?! But we live in a society that doesn't protect men from spousal abuse. The law just kind of laughs at you while shaking its head condescendingly, and complaining to your buddies that your wife is kicking your ass on a regular basis will only make you sound like a huge, flapping vagina. I once complained about a girlfriend punching me and received a tube of Vagisil from my roommate. So what's an abused man to do? I have a few possible suggestions for Mr. Kidd, in case he changes his mind and decides to reconcile with Mrs. Kidd:

Suggestion 1: Avoid physical confrontations: This may be difficult for normal people, but Jason's job requires him to travel for six to eight months out of the year. Of couse, that still leave four to six months of intolerable pain and suffering, but Jason...you're rich! Buy one mansion for her, and one for yourself. And hell, why not buy one for the kids, too? You've got the cash. In fact, you could probably hire a scientist to create a clone or robot duplicate or something. Let that poor sap absorb all the abuse, then you can swoop in for the make-up nookie.

Suggestion 2: Going to a domestic violence shelter or women's refuge: If you go to a domestic violence shelter or women's refuge, you can receive heartfelt support and psychological counselling with full confidentiality guaranteed. And even if the social workers tell you that your marriage is a hopeless mess that's best left abandoned, at least you'll be surrounded by scores of vulnerable hotties who are probably looking for a new relationship and won't make too many demands.

Suggestion 3: Turn the other cheek: Before Jesus began baking bread out of his own skin, he gave a Sermon on the Mount. It went something like this:

"But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you."

Look Jason, I'm not telling you to just go and start giving alway all your tunics and cloaks to just anybody. That's crazy. But this is your wife we're talking about. I'm pretty sure you signed a "for better or worse" contract when you bought her. So when she bitchslaps you across the right cheek, just do what Jesus said and turn your head so she can get a shot at the left cheek too. Because if you don't obey the Bible, then Saddam will come back to life and the terrorists will win.

(Here's a true story. When I was in college, a buddy of mine went to Sweden to attend Bible school. While he was there, he and several of the other students went down to the town square and sung hymns. Some of the local tough guys didn't like that, and so they started heckling the group, which was comprised mostly of women and the kind of men who go to Bible school -- interpret that however you want. Anyway, my friend confronted them, and, despite the Swedish history of wartime neutrality, one of the tough guys bitchslapped my friend. But being a God-fearing man well-versed in scripture, he remembered Jesus' advice and turned the other cheek...only to have that one bitchslapped as well. He turned his cheek again, and he got slapped again. This went on for several minutes, until my friend collapsed into unconsciousness. Afterward, he called me from Sweden -- which, at that time, was something like $153 per minute -- to proudly tell me about getting his ass kicked in front of his friends, just like Jesus would have done! This story always cheers me up.)

Suggestion 4: Learn self-defense: Okay, even if you become a lethal weapon of justice, it's still not okay to punch women. But being a karate master is still pretty cool, right?

Suggestion 5: Grow a pair: Far be it from me to call a legendary professional athelet a wuss. But Jason, seriously, grow a pair. Paint on your golf clubs? Lavish spending when you're worth over $100 million? These things do not qualify as "extreme cruelty." Extreme cruelty is when you wake up tied to your bedposts and realize your penis was cut off in the night. Now that's cruel. Your wife telling the kids' that Steve Nash is a better point guard? Not so much. So take back your nutsack and suck it up. And if you don't want her to spend your money or use your phone, tell her no. Once she's done screaming at you, tell her no again. Then drink a glass of warm milk and take a nap. When you wake up in the emergency room with your you-know-what dangling by a single strand of tattered skin, then you'll have learned an important lesson: do not take advice from bloggers. And that's a lesson that will last...a lifetime.

Fun penis facts: Did you know that Wikipedia has an entire entry devoted to penis removal? Or that the penis removal entry leads to an entry for penis panic, which is a condition in which an individual is overcome by the belief that his penis is retracting into his body? But don't worry; there are no medically documentated cases of penis retraction. You just have a small cock. Sorry.


Fantastic Bitchslap Extra: Google's image search feature can sometimes uncover a comedy gold mine. For instance, here's a picture of Mr. Fantastic, leader of the Fantastic Four, bitchslapping his wife, the Invisible Woman.

Confessing to your affair with Aquaman? Not a good idea.
I don't know why I find this picture so amusing, but I do. You have to wonder, though, how does Mr. Fantastic get away with spousal abuse? Is it his genius intellect? Is it his status as a superhero? No and no. It's because he has absolute control over the size and shape of every body part. Superman might be able to reverse time by flying around the Earth, Batman might have a utility belt full of Bat-vibrators and Bat-nipple clips (just ask Robin), and Spiderman might be able to spin a web of lust. But can they hit the g-spot every time?

Mug-tastic Extra: The Kidd divorce saga is obviously getting a lot of coverage, and most of the stories are featuring pictures of Jason and Joumana together. This is all good and well, but wouldn't a mug shot be even more fun? I think so. Remember how I mentioned Jason bludgeoned his wife after a heated french fry debate? Yeah, well, he got arrested for that...

Trouble in paradise, Jason? Get it? Paradise? I'm sorry.