Gilbert and his Sexy Party

I'm sure you've read all over the basketblogosphere, Diddy threw Gilbert Arenas an insanely overproduced birthday bash over the weekend. Complete with an ice sculpture in his image and Vanilla Ice, this was a party that would make any spoiled 16-year old from Beverly Hills totally jealous...mainly because Diddy sampled most of his party ideas from My Super Sweet 16 season one.

I found this intriguing not because it was booked by some acne cream spokesman, but because when eye-witnesses described Gilbert as "a kid in a candy store", it just re-emphasizes the fact that Gilbert still doesn't completely realize this could be his everyday life..if he wanted. Gil tends to come off like a slightly eccentric person, at least in the typical NBA player sense. Think Adrian Monk, combined with Comic Book Guy with a dash of John Kusack from High Fidelity.

For starters, on road trips, Gilbert goes into full hermit-mode in his hotel room...and it's not even to watch porn!

"There's nothing out there for me. I don't know those cities....I'll watch three or four movies. I'll watch infomercials. The last thing I bought was this colon cleanser. I just got talked into it. I'm like, Man, he makes it sound so good."

So then one would assume that, at home he would be surrounded by his harem while lounging in one of his diamond-encrusted swimming pools, right? Not before he stops at Best Buy on DVD Wednesday...

"I have so much entertainment going on in my house that I don't need to go out...I don't need to go to the movies if I own all these movies. I don't need to go out to a game because I've got all these video games. I don't have to leave my house to have a conversation because I just hop online and have fun with my friends, talk trash, and do whatever we're gonna do right there."

As I sit in my pajamas eating a Fig Newton, I grow concerned for Ol' Gil's social life. I mean, is it possible that a bachelor who happens to be a pro athlete with unlimited income not be interested in the half-naked groupies on his doorstep?

[interviewed while playing two-man Halo in his bedroom]
GILBERT: You can't see very good. I'll sit down on the floor if you want.
TOM: No, I can tell you like to play on the bed. I'll stay here.
GILBERT: I just started sleeping in this bed after three years. I used to sleep over there.
TOM: Where? On the couch?
GILBERT: Yeah. I trained myself to sleep on the couch.
TOM: Why would you do that?
GILBERT: You know.
TOM: Not really.
GILBERT: I don't like women all up on me, touching me. So I get up and go.
TOM: Yeah?
GILBERT: Then they get up and go. [points to the video-game screen.] Stay there. Wait for me behind that door.
TOM: What door?
GILBERT [shaking his head]: I discovered that women don't like that much.

[hat tip: Esquire]