Many thanks to NarSARSsist and AnacondaHL for inspiring/starting this post.
Update! This posts actually pales in comparison to AnacondaHL's brilliant flow chart. And, strangely enough, the woman he picked to represent Shelly looks more like Shelly right now. Dismissed...as coincidence?
Little Matt: The blog author of Basketbawful and By The Horns. In other words: me. I'm the co-main character and "hero" of this comic-drama. The primary purpose of this story was simply to describe what it was like to be a freshman who had a varsity baller for a roommate.Now it's evolved (or devolved) into my rather awkward coming-of-age story. Celebrity lookalike: Jeffrey Combs.
Big Mat: The co-main character and "villain" of this tale. Mat was a Dutch-born basketball player -- and I use that term very loosely -- who by some strange twist of fate was paired with a geeky freshman for a living experience like no other. Mat drank Heineken, said yes to the sweet cheeba, cut classes and had sex with countless women. He also made my life a living (if thoroughly entertaining) hell.Mat failed utterly at basketball, but he did graduate in four years with an art degree, which has absolutely no bearing whatsoever in his current career as a professional ass-beater. Celebrity lookalike: Richard Moll.
Aimee: My high school crush, my college romance, my first love. She attended Butler University in Indianapolis, where she was a Pre-Law student majoring in History. She didn't want to be my girlfriend, but she didn't want me dating anybody else either. And I swear that statement was almost 87 percent bitterness-free.At the time, I was really frustrated by her merciless resistance to my romantic advances. After recounting this story, I kind of see her point. Celebrity lookalike: Charisma Carpenter.
Shelly: Mat's primary romantic interest and the cousin of our R.A., Brett. She was a hot and busty party girl. Exceptionally busty. Busty, busty, busty. Boobs. Wait, what...where was I?Oh, right. Shelly lived in California. And what's California known for? Hollywood. And what's Hollywood known for? Drama. Shelly proved that the most intense drama usually comes in a sexy and seemingly carefree package. From California. Celebrity lookalike: Emma O'Neil.
Brett: He was my freshman year R.A. Eventually he became one of my best lifelong friends. Sure, he wrote me up for violations Mat committed (with his cousin Shelly no less), it took him 10 years to tell me he's blind in one eye, and he flaked out on meeting me in Florence last weekend. But, well, that's Brett. You can't blame the rain for being wet, you know?Brett is one of the most brilliant space cadets you'll ever meet. Assuming he shows up. Celebrity lookalike: None. This is him.
Susan: My Alpha Phi Omega Pledge sister. She was a junior when I was a freshman, so she also functioned as my surrogate big sister, secondary crush, and, eventually, my second college romance.I made a fool of myself the first time we met and I never recovered, proving you really never get a second chance to make a first impression. Celebrity lookalike: Jennifer Grey.
Latrisse: Aimee's freshman year roommate. She developed a crush on me that I didn't see until it was too late. And even then I didn't see it. Latrisse came to symbolize (in my mind anyway) the utter cluelessness of my 18-year-old self.Seriously, cards and care packages...how did I miss that? Celebrity lookalike: None. This is some girl I found using Google search.
Nathan: My next door neighbor during freshman year. Nathan was fearless, believing he was immortal and could not die. I'm not making this up. And maybe he was right...he took some really stupid chances during our friendship and yet lived to tell about them. Including shooting me in the ass with a potato gun.Nathan once waged spiritual battle with his computer. Really. Celebrity lookalike: I'm not saying this is him...but it's him.
Jennifer: Also known as "Taco Bell Jennifer" because she dropped out of school and started working at Taco Bell full time in order to support Mat. Presumably, she would have done this for the entirety of Mat's college career had he not totally screwed her over.Mat kept her around because she was convenient...and she swallowed. Celebrity lookalike: Some girl I found using Google search.
Nancy: I met her during an APO service activity. She approached me because I was alone, and I was alone because Susan ditched the activity due to a massive hangover.Nancy trapped me into a Shanghai Date. I had no idea we were "going out," so I ended up embarrassing myself and hurting her feelings. Celebrity lookalike: Some girl I found using Google search.
BadDave: My once and future roommate. My best friend. The man who has seen me pee on a Subway sandwich shop in front of 10,000 people. He...he completes me.He doesn't really come into this story until the very end, but I had to include him because I love this picture. Celebrity lookalike: None needed. Although he sometimes bears a striking resemblence to Tony Parker...
Future NBA All-Star: The greatest college basketball player in the country during my freshman year. He had a semi-distinguished NBA career, but he could never live up to his college exploits.Future NBA All-Star tried to convince Mat to play during his freshman year, believing the two of them would make the team a true national championship contender. Celebrity lookalike: Hmmm...
Heineken sign: The mother fucking Heineken sign. This thing burned like the summer sun and kept me up night after night after cursed night. Mat insisted on leaving it on 24-7. When he was in the room, this sign was shining bright. It was not negotiable. Looking back, I'm surprised I didn't sabotage the thing.To this day, I smash every one I see.
Minor Characters:
Chad: My dorm manager. He played up to the student athletes and expected everybody else to do the same. Chad couldn't have cared less that I was miserable being Mat's roommate and refused to move me to another room. Moreover, he suggested I be more sensitive to Mat's needs.
Greg and Gauvin: Two of my best high school buds. Greg went to IUK in Kokomo while Gauvin became a "student of life." I hung out with them whenever I went home for a weekend. They visited me once while I was living with Mat. They stuck around long enough to see the campus, but they ditched me when Mat was going to take us to a frat party.
Jason: A sort-of friend from high school. Actually, Jason and I were pretty close during middle school when we both acted as student helpers to a boy who had muscular dystrophy. He played a mean game of ping pong. He lived in the same dorm as Zach (see below).
Jen: Susan's roommate. She developed a fixation on Mat that would last for years, and she tried to use me to get close to him.
Jodie: Susan's incredibly ugly friend. She would eventually sleep with Steve (see below).
Joe: My basketball buddy. I developed my jump hook by playing against him.
Professor Webster: My freshman year English professor. He took time out from doing laundry to impart some wisdom ("Life is a series of self-limiting choices") and tell me he was sleeping with his boss's wife. He loved my paper on gender construction in Ghostbusters.
Ron: Nathan's friendly, spaced-out, and overweight roomie. He once walked into my room wrapped in a too-small towel. Some things can't be unseen. Let's leave it at that.
Steve: A slimy bastard who spent years trying to get into Susan's pants. He cockblocked me at every opportunity. I still hate him this rat bastard. Still, he ended up sleeping with Susan's hag-like friend, Jodie, so I kind of had the last laugh.
Tiffany and Carolyn: My APO pledge mothers. Their function as pledge parents was to guide me and Susan through pledgeship. Tiffany picked me because I had written on my pledge form that soccer was a hobby of mine. If I hadn't told that out-of-nowhere lie, I never would have met Susan.
Zach: A sort-of friend from high school. I hung out with him when I first got to school because I didn't know anybody else. Zach became dead to me when Jason (see above) told me Zach said I was "kind of pathetic for always trying to hang around with him." Eventually, he dropped out of college and returned to Kokomo to work at the local Chrysler plant.
And finally a random (but astute) observation from AnacondaHL:
Not to raise any expectations of this story even higher, but there's an ongoing theme to each one of these installments: food. Taco Bell leads with 5 mentions, hamburger is mentioned in 4 parts, and pizza is in 3. Here's the list so far:To be continued...
1. Taco Bell
2. Taco Bell/hamburger
3. Dining Hall/hamburger
4. McDonald's/hamburger
5. Heineken
6. TACO BELL JENNIFER
7. Pizza
8. Pizza (Chuck E. Cheese)
9. Gelato/Pizza
10. Cookies (chocolate chip)/Taco Bell/hamburger
11. Taco Bell
Livin' Large: the official Flow Chart 1.0
So, Matholomew, "potato gun" is today's food reference in this half-installment of Livin' Large?
ReplyDeleteGood to see you're on form.
as a reader, your posts are awesome. always gives me something to read during the long days at work...i only have a clark kent job and no superman gig. anyway, i finally looked up to see who the Future NBA All-star is based on your the stats. I never watched him in college but from his stat line, he sounded like the real deal and then simply lost his heart when he got in the league. anyway, for a second i though "what the fck are you doing up so late updating your page??" only to realize you're still in italy. and if your first girlfriend were hot like charisma carpenter, damn bro, i feel for you
ReplyDeleteI hate you so much Bawful. I just spent way, way, way too much time making a character sheet for you, and lo and behold you've done the post yourself.
ReplyDeleteAtleast my character sheet had a funny motif for the girls.
Link to my picture because it can't be it's own post anymore =/
AnacondaHL -- Dude, send it to me! I was going to supplement my post with stuff from your list.
ReplyDeleteYou can use flickr to post the 500x375 size, but the full version I did in 1024x768
ReplyDeleteBawful, as someone going through epic fail right now (literally right now) I can relate. Damn my lack of fortitude!
ReplyDeleteOkay I am stupid. Link to the Flickr page where you can view the different sizes etc.
ReplyDeleteAnacondaHL -- I've already added it as a link to the post. I'll post it in full later.
ReplyDeleteBrilliant. Seriously.
Nice. This will help to make sense of the stories and name in coming installments.
ReplyDeleteAlso, this made me realize that Dorm Manager and R.A. are different things and different persons. But what do they do, actually?
Wow, you guys really came through for us. Brilliant. I think I will print out this character list and the diagram and use it as a cheat-sheet for the next installments.
ReplyDeleteAlso: "Mat was a Dutch-born basketball player -- and I use that term very loosely"
I'm hoping the term you are using loosely is "Dutch-born". Thank you.
I always thought of Mat more like a Vinnie Jones kinda guy. Actually I still believe he became the Juggernault after dropping college.
ReplyDeleteAnd its pretty clear to me why you hated the guy: he was SO MUCH into Dave Matthews Band!
I'm not going to lie. I actually giggled when I saw a picture of Bull from Night Court on this list. Well played, Matt. Well played. I hope this does end up becoming a movie adaptation -- I'm sure Richard Moll needs work.
ReplyDeleteSlightly weird that you are searching for pics of random girls to help illustrate your life. I can't even imagine what kind of search criteria you used.
ReplyDeleteHi,
ReplyDeleteReally enjoyed reading this blog despite the fact that sometimes I really want to bang my head (or yours) against the wall over your early blunders with the opposite sex....Truth is, almost all of us have gone through that awkward phase.
I don't really see this as movie material, as the suspense/fun is just unending....but it would make A HELLUVA TV sitcome.
Let me second anonymous' recommendation for a TV sitcom. This has HBO or Showtime series written all over it, so you can include the sex, cursing, drugs, etc.
ReplyDeleteYou've hooked me completely - the next installment is the first thing I look for in the morning. Brilliant.
The flow chart is unbelievable.
Clearly, Brett is the combination of Matthew Perry and Lance Armstrong.
ReplyDeleteSo, you looked like the dude from Re-Animator. And Aimee looked like some smoking hot chick that should be on Baywatch circa 1993.
ReplyDeleteI can't BELIEVE she didn't wanna be your girlfriend. It defies logic, really.
You were a bit overzealous with the female lookalikes, methinks. And, yes, I did just get that word from an episode of Dawson's Creek.
Will: No way. Brett's got the Tony Romo smile if I've ever seen it.
ReplyDeleteAlso, seconding the motion for HBO, you'll want to avoid putting this show on ABC otherwise it'll turn into another Greek.
And the first person who mentions what trend I used, wins! You may start the debate on why you think my choices were right/wrong.
AnacondaHL - Blast you, must you outshine me???!!! Haha, I kid I kid. That's exactly what I was hoping you'd do. Awesome job man.
ReplyDeleteBawful - One of the most brilliant space cadet we'll ever meet? Remember, I root for Darth Kobe (boooo, I know), and along the way, I'm pretty sure I met the smartest space cadet ever. Now every time you say Brett I'm going to picture him falling down while skiing...
Anaconda- clearly you have a thing with girls named Jennifer.
ReplyDeleteIf you were going to represent Taco Bell Jennifer with a random girl who looks a lot like Jenna Fischer, why didn't you just use Jenna Fischer?
ReplyDeleteMr. Bawful:
ReplyDeleteAs much ass as Dr. West kicks you struck me more as a Matthew Modine
in his Full Metal Jacket days from your freshman pics.
And seriously, Charisma Carpenter? Could your judgment still be a mite cloudy when it comes to Aimee after all these years?
BleedingHeartPessimist said: "If you were going to represent Taco Bell Jennifer with a random girl who looks a lot like Jenna Fischer, why didn't you just use Jenna Fischer?"
ReplyDeleteGood point. I'll try to fix that later.
hellshocked said: "And seriously, Charisma Carpenter? Could your judgment still be a mite cloudy when it comes to Aimee after all these years?"
First off, I started out searching for celebrity lookalikes to "cast" for the movie. Then I got tired and did searches for "college girls." Tell you what, you try to cast the movie of your freshman year on three hours of sleep after a 13-hour workday.
Besides, does it matter what Aimee looked like at the time...or what my 18-year-old self thought she looked like?
That said, I'm ready, willing and able to substitute my random pics with celeb lookalikes. I just need suggestions. Do it people.
It was a tongue-in-cheek comment Mr. Bawful, and I certainly meant no disrespect to you or your high-quality, unpaid, remarkably consistent thoroughly enjoyable output. She just seemed so much hotter than anyone and everyone else it struck me as odd, is all.
ReplyDeleteHellshocked -- No offense taken. Aimee wasn't quite as hot as Charisma, but their facial features are similar and their hair (at least for Aimee at the time and Charisma in that picture) is virtually identical. I'm kind of a hair nut, and Aimee's was amazing.
ReplyDeleteSo is it fair to say that Aimee was the prettiest out of all the girls that showed interest in you at the time? (Susan, Nancy, Latrisse, and Heather) If so, it's no wonder you spent most of your time trying to convince her to be your girl. I must say, I have to commend you for eventually succeeding.
ReplyDeleteUsually, if a girl does not want to be your girlfriend within a few months (or instantly for that matter) then she probably never will be.
Absolutely nothing to do with this story:
ReplyDeletehttp://www.geekologie.com/2009/07/chicago_bullsrobotic_death_arm.php
AnacondaHL forgot about Olive Garden....
ReplyDelete:)
Um...
ReplyDeleteAnd finally a random (but astute) observation from AnacondaHL:
Not to raise any expectations of this story even higher, but there's an ongoing theme to each one of these installments: food. Taco Bell leads with 5 mentions, hamburger is mentioned in 4 parts, and pizza is in 3. Here's the list so far:
... You didn't include the Olive Garden in that list.
And Richard Moll is a much more palatable vision of "Big Mat" than that (http://media.collegepublisher.com/media/paper1151/stills/xl25678u.jpg) which entered my mind
3 things:
ReplyDelete1. Shot in the ass with a potato gun? That had to HURT!
2. The flowchart was awesome.
3. Does choosing Jeffrey Combs as your doppleganger mean you're a Star Trek fan? I'm a fan myself, and a cursory glance on IMDB indicates that, other than a couple random guest appearances, ST was his only major recurring role.
Re: Olive Garden - I didn't forget. I intentionally left it off the list. When I said "food" was the theme, I meant to imply "junk food", or more specifically, "food encountered often in college, which is why it's a running theme in Livin Large".
ReplyDeleteFor example, if I were to write about my four years in college, every post would somehow involve pizza, hoagies, burritos, and/or Panda Express. All 4 years. Amazing times back then.
Late reply to Geert: A Hall Manager/Resident Director/Dorm Manager is an actual full-time University job by an adult that manages the entire dorm. A Resident Assistant (RA) is a college kid who signed up to live in the dorm while looking after their wing/floor, usually an upperclassman or grad student. Depending on dorm size, there's about 6-12 RA's per dorm.
And I really like comparing Bawful's pics to the ones I chose, because it helps put things in perspective. For example, I could have sworn the hotness went:
Aimee < Taco Bell Jennifer < Latrisse < Susan < Shelly
but the 18-yr-old-Matt obviously thought differently.
bawful is a chick magnet.
ReplyDeleteHe has 3 men in his major players and 6 women.
6 WOMEN!!!
AnacondaHL: I think your flow chart was a lot more personality-influenced...which biased your photo choices. ;)
ReplyDeleteCAPTCHA: "dreda" as in, "Little Mat had dreda whenever the Heineken sign was in his presence."
So is anyone else surprised that Latrisse is black?
ReplyDeleteWow, if Aimee had hair like that, I think I'd be all over her too.
Victor: I was more shocked that Bawful chose such a non-attractive girl for Latrisse, black or not. See below.
ReplyDeletechris: Absolutly. Here's the breakdown:
- Jennifer Aniston: Gives the hometown girl feeling, maybe even a shade bitchy. Looks great at certain camera angles. Here's hoping Matt becomes the "Brad Pitt" and finds his "Angelina", or something. (Extra note: I don't find Angelina Jolie attractive really)
- Jennifer Connelly: Also looks GREAT at some angles, but not so much at others, hence explaining why Matt was usually confused at her advances.
- Jennifer Garner: I don't think she's attractive, but some people think she is, so hence why Nancy got a full dose of Matt awkwardness.
- Jennifer Love Hewitt: I think she's hot, and would be an upgrade over Aimee, and in my view, the decision between Latrisse and Susan was supposed to be close, had Matt not been numb and all.
- Jennifer Morrison: Ah, now this is the sweet girl next door. Remember your reaction when she did this FHM photoshoot? My list really came together when I remembered her, especially the parallels with her character in House as a mild sauce Taco Bell Jennifer.
- Jennifer Hawkins: Reserved as the hottest of the list, the most "California looking" (my apologies, Aussies). If you don't know who she is, perhaps a look back on Google Trends of Miss Universe 2004 will remind you (videos that may be found in links from this link may be NSFW).
- J-lol: Again, I don't find her attractive, but she is "hot", and is the clear candidate for the category.
AnacondaHL -- The hotness went like so:
ReplyDeleteLatrisse < Taco Bell Jennifer < Susan < Shelly < Aimee
However, sexiness went:
Latrisse < Taco Bell Jennifer < Aimee < Shelly < Susan
Funny. Aimee Mann, my favorite musician who happens to share a first name with Matholomew's target de jour at the time, had a song titled "Susan."
ReplyDeleteI didn't even think of it until I looked at your greater than/less than comment just now, Bawful...
And...looking at the lyrics for that aforementioned song, I can imagine that this is exactly how a conversation between the Aimee and Susan of Livin' Large would go...
ReplyDeleteBut I'm in that place again,
And I know he can't come in to get me...
And someday he will live to regret me
Susan, I can see it now
chris -- It's getting weird isn't it?
ReplyDeleteBawful: "Livin' Large" the musical MUST use that tune. Now.
ReplyDeleteThat comes about 15 years after the movie version, right?
Actually, now I have to ask: did Aimee and Susan ever interact with each other at some point?
I still think "Big Mat" should be played by Big Show. It'd tie in with Bawful's love for wrestling
ReplyDeleteBasketbawful- Is your hotness scale based upon your 18 year-old mind or your current mind? If it's the latter, I'm surprised Big Mat didn't bang her (or at least try) the second she walked in your dorm room on moving day.
ReplyDeleterubenborgs -- Yeah, I seriously considered it...but when I originally started telling these stories, I always described Mat as looking like Bull from Night Court.
ReplyDeleteWill -- I think my hotness scale is measured in reality. 18-year-old me would have put Susan ahead of Shelly, for instance, but that wouldn't have been accurate. The only reason Shelly wasn't at the top was because she looked a little frayed around the edges from years of hard partying.
The "she" I was referring to was Aimee. (not your mom or aunt)
ReplyDeleteSo we now have a sexiness/hotness chart to go with the lady characters. I call racism on the black one being at the bottom. And by that I mean you gave us your opinion on people only you have known.
ReplyDeleteWill -- Yeah, sorry, I know what you mean. Here's the thing about Mat, though: He didn't have to chase women. They chased him. Also, and I can't believe I forgot to mention this, Mat later revealed that the reason he was la ying almost naked on the bed when I arrived was because a girl had just left not 10 minutes before I arrived. So I guess his lust was sated.
ReplyDeleteThe comments to this story are, justifiably, blowin' up, so I can't imagine these will be read, let alone responded to. But I read the entire FAQ and something still bothers me? Ever hear of a library or a student center? Why were you always trying to study/relax in the post office box of a dorm room with Grendel in the corner?
ReplyDeleteSecond, I enjoyed the theologically imbued statement "I've come to realize over the years that when a person behaves stupidly, they (usually) already know somewhere deep (or not-so-deep) inside they're being stupid but don't want to give up whatever selfish desire they're going after." You have all the makings of a Calvinist, friend.
I just noticed the avatar/picture for Basketbawful. Nothing says, "I'm male-pattern bald, but can't handle it, so I'm shaving it all to make it look like I _want_ to be bald" like the full-bald look.
ReplyDeleteNow that I'm mocking, I'll come down with cancer, go into chemo, and have the full-bald look.
Dick Sullivan -- Mat kept odd hours. He would often come home around 10 or 11 and stay up until 4 a.m. His playtime often didn't start until 11 or so. I was hardly going to head over to the student center at that time...considering it wasn't open.
ReplyDeleteI suppose I was referring to the basketball tapes as well as the calculus studying story. First, for some reason those seemed to occur during the daytime. Second, I can't imagine being comfortable in a small room that retained even the aura of Big Unfriendly Giant sex, his physical presence notwithstanding.
ReplyDeleteAxe Head -- I would guess an inability to handle baldness would be me using Rogaine, or getting hair plugs, or joining Hair Club for Men, or attempting a comb over, etc.
ReplyDeleteOut of curiosity, do you ever cut your hair? Because nothing says, "I can't stand my flowing locks of growing hair" like getting a haircut, right?
The reality is, people do things with their hair to look as good as they can. My hair started thinning, so I shaved it. And the only woman I know who hasn't gone gaga over it (in person) is my grandma...who never hesitates to tell me I now look like "crap."
So I guess you and my grandma are in the same boat.
Dick -- Typically speaking, I left the room in the morning and was gone most of the day (on and off) until after 8 p.m. (due to my job in the food service). By that point, I didn't have the energy to head back to campus.
ReplyDeleteI know man, I could never shake the Big Show image off of my head though.
ReplyDeleteBTW just had my first serious injury playing basketball, broke my nose. Other injuries always came when I was playing soccer.
Just felt like sharing my pain with you guys
Looks like I hit a raw nerve. That's OK, I can't fault a man for going bald, it's a genetic thing. Going with the full-bald look is one of the least ridiculous ways of dealing with it. But it's still obvious, it just doesn't look as ridiculous (and pathetic) as a comb-over.
ReplyDeleteBawful,
ReplyDeleteIn my head I had Susan looking like Rachel Bilson. Don't know why.
I also had Taco Bell Jennifer looking like Amy Adams from "Catch Me If You Can". That cute as hell but so naive you know it can't end well look, which it does when DiCaprio bails on her with the suitcase full of cash. I think the analogy fits.
I pictured Nancy as the crazy neighbor Rose on Two and a Half Men (in the looks dept, not the crazy dept). The kind who is cute but not quite confident enough in her cuteness to ask you out on a real date so asks you out on a Shanghai date hoping you will be the one to turn it into an actual date.
And I just googled Emma O'Neill on my work laptop. Thanks, I think you just got me fired.
AnacondaHL - That flowchart is a work of genuis.
Thanks all. DVD Bonus: If I had to edit it for ver.2, I'd put Jennifer Hudson as Latrisse, probably move/recast Garner and Connelly, add the word "fugly" to Susan's friend, add a d20 next to Nathan and Ron, and move the word "Mat" over to the right bit just so you could get an eyefull of Vin Diesel tit. (Do you know how stupid it was to Google Image Search for a Mat picture? "Dutch actor" got nothing, "young Arnold Schwarzenegger" had too much hair, "bald actor" got lots of modern day Bruce Willis, I was about ready to query "bald young topless actor" before the final pic showed up. The pain I go through just for you guys.)
ReplyDeleteOkay, finally, full replies...
ReplyDeleteMichael -- That's the great thing about Italy. I'm seven hours in the future. Beware my amazing time powers.
Anonymous #2 -- I believe fail only makes us stronger. Stay thirsty, my friend.
Ruben -- I indeed left it that way so it would be open to interpretation...
Baguete -- I don't know if you've seen the pic that people keep forwarding to me, but Mat looks decidedly like Richard Moll, even now.
Dan B. -- I bet I could get Richard Moll for like five bucks. I know who I'm hiring for my next birthday party!
Kevin -- I just searched for "college girls." Once I got past the porn, there were plenty of normal pics.
Anonymous #2 and Michael -- Hm. Guess I'd better start working on the screenplay.
Japes -- Aimee was the prettiest of them all, and probably the most challenging. I eventually broke her will on the dating front...and she proceeded to break mine on almost every other.
Eric -- Replies:
1. It did hurt. A lot.
2. Thank AnacondaHL.
3. I chose Jeffrey Combs because of his role in the cult classic The Reanimator, where he plays this crazy, nerdy scientist obsessed with making a girl.
Axe Head -- No, you didn't hit a nerve. I just find it silly and illogical that you jumped to the conclusion that I couldn't handle thinning hair. Fashion choices, whether involving hair or clothes, are made to make us look better and feel good about ourselves. And it so happens I look fucking great with a shaved head. As far as I'm concerned, Mother Nature did me a favor.
Skeelo -- Yeah...sorry about Emma. I should have mentioned the NSFW part. My bad.
I can see why you thought what you thought about the girls. That's half of the fun, letting people use their imaginations and all that.
AnacondaHL -- I made your flow chart into a post. Let me know if you want anything else added.
ReplyDelete@AnacondaHL:Re: Olive Garden - I didn't forget. I intentionally left it off the list. When I said "food" was the theme, I meant to imply "junk food", or more specifically, "food encountered often in college, which is why it's a running theme in Livin Large".
ReplyDeleteExactly! And the incident at Olive Garden is a counterpoint to this theme! Think about it: the Olive Gardon! One step above 'fast food', where an apparently wholesome, if not 'hot' enough, female, went through a lot of hoops to get Matt on something that ought to approach his terms...
Oh, the irony! The inter-textual meanings alone as well as the insight into our heros (sic) psycho-sexual development abound! Think of the comic potential! And you leave it out! Bill Murray, though not yet dead, is now making plans to spin in his grave...
"Kevin -- I just searched for "college girls." Once I got past the porn, there were plenty of normal pics."
ReplyDeleteSay no more, Matt. We now know the real reason why you were too tired to actually write the next installment. That kind of researching is exhausting.
(Sorry, couldn't pass up the obvious joke here)
BBawful,
ReplyDeleteSince you revealed your current picture, you look like Kane from Command and Conquer 3, thanks to the goatee. That year-older picture you had with the TAG-football squad had you looking like Ryan Reynolds a bit.
I was wondering what your approach with females is like comparing with now and your 18 year-old padawan past? For me now I do like "good looks", but if I wanna be serious I really just find the girl-quality that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
PS. When this epic-series ends, can you finish off the Worsties?
Okay - I tried to post earlier and the web ate it or something.
ReplyDeleteIMHO, Aimee was not the hottest of them all. She totally got Bawful going, and I respect that. She was also far from ugly - I thought she was pretty but nobody for whom I'd get out of my recliner. However, Charisma Carpenter could have gotten me to exercise...
Now, I'll admit some bias because by the time I met Aimee I knew her hijinks on my boy Bawful and I did not approve. I think, though, that even despite that bias I wouldn't have thought of Aimee as super-hot or anything. Frankly, Susan did it more for me, but she had the librarian thing going on.
AnacondaHL - I almost posted a more lengthy answer here, and I realized that nobody here would care - so good response to Geert on what an RA does. :)
Lastly, the potato gun story. Nathan had this potato gun that had a 4 foot barrel with a 3 inch interior diameter. It was not for the faint-hearted, and upon its construction his skills were complete. Nathan and Bawful were screwing around and while doing that I loaded the thing with about 7 handfuls of soaked paper towels packed into a nice cannon ball. These weren't Bounty either - these were the cardboard derivatives served in our hall (and in our cafeterias, yum).
After Bawful stopped the shenanigans with an ultimatum, he started to walk away. Wearing his most threatening outfit: patented pink sorts and white t-shirt with blue suspenders, Nathan swiveled and put that barrel about a foot away from Bawful's upper hammy.
"FWOOOM-THWACK!"
[time stands still]
"GGGRRRRRAAAAAAAAARRRRRGH!" The sound of ultimate suffering caressed my ecstatic ears. Later that evening, the bruise Bawful had (only half covered by the Bird shorts) was, from outside to inside in concentric rings:
Yellow
Green
Blue
Black
White
Blue
White
Good times.
Dan B. -- Well...you got me. ;)
ReplyDeletetonious35 -- Quick note: I no longer have the goatee. I only grew that for my Jack Sparrow costume, which I wore for Halloween and Pirate Fest in Tampa last February.
Regarding girls: I have a three-tiered set of importance, and it goes in this order: Personality, chemistry, looks (not necessarily supermodel looks, but something that does it for me personally). Those three things are a must. But personality is the most important thing, because if you don't LIKE the person, it's never going to last. Chemistry brings the spark.
Yes, I promise I'll finish the Worsties. I've already started Part 2.
BadDave -- In all fairness to Aimee, you only saw her in person a few times, and two of those times she was helping me move (i.e., mo makeup, dressed down, etc.). You never really saw her made up, and that makes a difference.
As for Susan, you'll notice I said she was the sexiest of all the girls in the story. She just had...something. She was almost never the hottest girl in the room, but guys flocked to her.
BadDave -- The hot librarian look does it for you too? I like the way you think. Respek knuckles.
ReplyDeleteI saw Aimee dressed decently twice. Once you guys were going to a formal - APO? The other was a sundress - her best look but still not totally my thing. Don't justify her to me - she did it for you, and that's what matters. I'm confident a few of my pasts associates didn't wang your twang.
ReplyDeleteDan B - Werd.
WV - flatio. I don't even need to explain.
Bawful, I thought I was the only one! I really did! When I was at University, everyone else was having a wonderful time getting laid while I wondered how the hell it was happening to everyone but me.
ReplyDeleteUnlike you, I turned to binge drinking to salve my soul, but the other parallels are there - I wasn't quite so puritanical about interaction with the opposite sex as you, but I was just as clueless (and baffled by my cluelessness). I also played a lot of 'ball to get out some of the pent-up 'tension'.
Thank you for showing me I wasn't the only one... oh, and for the great story! Enjoying every moment of it. :)
Matt,
ReplyDeleteAs a fellow alumnus of "The UNiversity not to be named" and Kokomo High School alumnus, I thank you for posting all this. I must ahave been about 4-5 years behind you in school, so you might have been there during your fifth year while Iw as a freshman in 98-99. It is hilarious! I know exactly what you mean about the "not dating, but don't want them to date anyone else" thing, as I went through it as well in college. I would post this as a link on my blog, but then it would bloe the not well kept secret about the school. Keep on writing!