Tim Hardaway versus Butt Sex

Former Miami Heat guard and noted heterosexual Tim Hardaway did a radio interview last night with Dan LeBatard on Sports Talk 790 The Ticket. It's been years since Hardaway was even mildly relevant, so Dan was forced to ask him about current basketball events...such as John Amaechi coming out of the closet. This led to an compassionate and heartfelt discussion of how much Hardaway hates men who stick their penises into other men.

Hardaway: "First of all I wouldn't want them on my team. And second of all, if he was on my team, you know, I would really distance myself from him because, uh, I don't think that's right. I don't think he should be in the locker room while we're in the locker room, and it's just a whole lot of other things and I wouldn't even be a part of that."

LeBatard: "What could you do? Would you ask for a trade?"

Hardaway: "Or I ask for him to get traded. (Laughs) Something has to give. And I think the majority of players would ask for him to be traded or they would want to be traded. Or buy him out of his contract and just let him go. (Laughs) Something has to give. If you have 12 other ball players in your locker room that are upset and can't concentrate and always worried about him in the locker room or on the court it's going to be hard for your teammates to win and accept him as a teammate."

LeBatard: "What if that guy is [Dwayne] Wade?"

Hardaway: "That ain't gonna happen. Dwayne Wade is not gay. He's married and having another baby, so, you know, that's not true."

LeBatard: "No, We're not saying it's so, we're just offering you a hypothetical."

Hardaway: "No, I don't even want to go hypothetical with that."

LeBatard: "What if the player was that great?"

Hardaway: "Man, if he was that great then, you know, something would still have to give. People would feel uncomfortable with that. If you're not gay nobody in that locker room would feel comfortable with that person on that team."

LeBatard: "You know what though, Timmy...Dwayne Wade's staying, Tim Hardaway's getting his ass shipped out of town."

Hardaway: "Oh yeah, I know that. But I'm not gay. I know that. Dwayne Wade is Dwayne Wade, and that's what makes him special. He's taken the city and put it on his back, and everyboyd likes to see him play. People, you know, love to pay to see him play. And I love watching him, because every game he's gonna give you something to jump outta your chair about, every game, and last night was a prime example when he dunked on Magloire."

LeBatard: "You know that what you are saying there, Timmy, is flatly homophobic, right? It's bigotry?"

Hardaway: "Well, you know, I hate gay people, so I let it be known. I don't like gay people and I don't like to be around gay people. I am homophobic. I don't like it. It shouldn't be in the world or in the United States. So yeah, I don't like it."

Seriously...how can anybody hate this?!

Basketbawful Commentary

You know, after Amaechi admitted he was gay, there were people who actually called him a coward for not coming out while he was still playing in the NBA. Even if you overlook the fact the he received death threats after admitting his homosexuality, Hardaway's comments provide a pretty good example to those idiots of why Amaechi decided to wait. Being a gay man in a professional sports team's locker room is like being an alligator wrestler at a baby shower: most of the people don't want you around, and some of them might try to hurt you just for being there.

But here's what I don't understand: why does Hardaway -- or anybody, for that matter -- hate gay people so much? Was his family eaten alive by a horde of rampaging homosexual cannibals? The gays aren't hurting anybody. They just want to listen to Madonna, dress up in assless leather chaps, ride on giant penis floats for their pride parades, and have sex with other gay people. How is that even remotely threatening? And the idea that it could affect someone's ability to play basketball is ridiculous. Homosexuality can't block shots, cause turnovers, or go on a 20-to-nothing run in the 4th quarter.

Of course, Hardaway isn't the only idiot out there trying to avoid the "Gay Plague." The Philidelphia 76ers' Steven Hunter said, "As long as he don't make any advances toward me, I'm fine with it." Fellow Sixer Shavlik Randolph said, "As long as you don't bring your gayness on me, I'm fine. But I think it would create a little awkwardness in the locker room."

I don't know what the homophobes are so worried about. If you're a heterosexual male, think back on your life and try to remember all the times some predatory homosexual tried to "bring his gayness" on you. I'm guessing it's somewhere between zero and none. This is partly because you're a fat slob with no sense of style, and partly because straight men have created a "hit on me and I'll kill you" culture of fear in America. But mostly it's because you aren't gay and they really only want to have sex with other gay people.

Here's a true story. One of my closest friends came out during college. In an amazing display of sheer willpower, he never once tried to have sex with my ass, despite the fact that it is firm and beautiful. This should have proven to me that gay men don't try to force their gayness on the non-gays, but I was only 21 and not as righteously awesome as I am now. Anyway, one night my friend convinced me to check out a gay dance club, and I agreed with the caveat that "If some guy hits on me, I am so outta there." We go to this club, and I'm practicing a few different versions of the "I'm not gay, I'm just here with a friend" line in my head. Ten or 15 minutes go by, and not only has no one hit on me, but I'm not even getting checked out. It was like I was totally invisible. Except for the fact that most of the patrons were shirtless and there was a light mist of baby oil in the air, it was like every other dance club experience I'd ever had. It was actually kind of humiliating; I mean, I'm well-dressed and reasonably attractive. Wouldn't I make a good catch for a gay man?

But since I'm straight, the answer is no. So relax, basketball players. You don't have to worry about an outbreak of gay in your locker rooms. That only happens in porn and Germany. I'm kidding, of course. Germans are the poop eaters. And the Japanese like tentacle sex. It's hard to keep those alternative sexualities straight.

Of course, Hardaway issued a totally lame apology of "Yes, I regret it. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said I hate gay people, or anything like that. That was my mistake." This apology was, of course, released by Hardaway's agent and is no doubt totally sincere.