Uh, it's just a ball, Rip

After months of relentless bitching and moaning, the NBA players finally got what they wanted: David Stern is going to scrap the new ball and bring back the old one. And just in time for Christmas! Truly this is the season for giving. (Unless you're one of the schmucks who dropped $100 or more for the new ball; in your case, it's the season for regifting the horrible thing.)

Pretty much everybody is happy about the reverse change. According to Mark Madsen, Minnesota teammates Kevin Garnett and Ricky Davis practically started humping each other when they heard the news. Kobe proclaimed that he'd might not have missed a shot yet this season if he'd been shooting with the old ball. And someone on the Milwaukee Bucks said something vaguely positive about the switch, but frankly I don't really care about those guys.

The best "I love the old ball" comments came from Rip Hamilton, who apparently is planning a romantic dinner date followed by a night of slow and passionate lovemaking with the returning rock, which he described as a "lost girlfriend." That's, uh, great, Rip. I'm happy for you. And I'm glad I don't have to share athletic equipment with you. So my message to the other Pistons is this: disinfect the ball before every shoot around, just to be safe.

Remember: When you try to steal the ball from Rip Hamilton,you're really trying to fuck his girlfriend. That's not cool.