Thursday Night Shit-tacular: Nets vs Knicks

So two of the most pathetic teams in the NBA face off tonight. Brooklyn versus New York. The Knicks are 3-13. The Nets are 5-13. Charles Barkley is doing color commentary. This going to be epic......ly bad. You guys know how I do it. I'm going to be transferring my thoughts and reactions about the game straight into this blog. No jokes will be told. Simply typing what I observe. (And frankly, sometimes this shit writes itself.)

1st Quarter 

• Where's Lawrence Frank? Oh that's right; he's stuck in the office doing TPS reports.

• Ok, that was my first and last joke.

• Tyshawn Taylor is starting at point...bless his heart.

• Iman Shumpert is struggling this year...needs more hi-top fade.

• Felton drives to the rim and tries to force a shot over two defenders. He's looking to the refs for a foul. I don't think they hand out trips to the freethrow line for stupidity.

• Garnett throws down a vicious one hand tomahawk. Take that father time.

• Bargnani answers by zipping past Garnett towards the baseline and throwing down a dunk of his own. Father time tosses his head back and chuckles.

• Shumpert splashes an ill advised transition 3. 9-4 Kicks

 • Lopez with a putback dunk as Melo and Bargnani stand and watch.

• Keyon Martin knocks down one of his stiff looking jumpers. 14-8 Knicks

 • Jason Terry looks very strange without his headband.

• Going into the timeout, Barkley says he doesn't know what Lethargy means, "but it must mean something." Only in America can men like him be allowed on TV.

 • JR Smith crosses over Sean Livingston and making tumble to the floor, destroying his ankles in the process. He then rises and swishes a long 2. 19-8 Knicks

• Jaime Foxx is sitting courtside and seems to have enjoyed Livingston’s embarrassment. Him and his buddies are seen laughing about the previous play.

 • Bargnani knocks down the most awkward looking jumper of the year and gets an And 1.

• Tyson Chandler is literally standing up coaching the team.

• Melo sizes up Alan Anderson and splashes a 3 right in his mouth. Filthy. 30-15 Knicks.

• Joe Johnson deflects a Carmelo pass, Andray Blatche scoops up the ball and trots down the floor which leads to a Johnson layup.

• Carmelo baseline air ball.

• Joe Johnson drives to the rim and gets stuffed by Amare. I kid you not, I had no clue he was even in the game. The guy is like a ghost out there.

• Chuck chimes in with a nice quip. "People say I don't like the Knicks, but what am I supposed to say about a team that's 3-13...They're good???” Now I remember why he's on TV.

• Tim Hardaway Jr airballs a 30 footer. End of the first quarter. 29-23 Knicks

2nd Quarter

• Garnett with a mid range jumper over Martin.

• Sean Livingston drives baseline for a two hand slam. And right on queue they mention his knee injury that happened ages ago. I don't know why they bring it up every time he makes a play. It's like the only thing people know him for.

• Amare knocks down a jumper on Mason Plumlee. Guess he decided to show up today.

• Amare gets schooled in the paint by KG. I retract my last statement.

• Joe Johnson is blocked from behind by Martin and lands awkwardly. The last thing Nets fans want to see is another one of their guy’s grimacing in pain.

• Lopez muscles through Amare for a lay in 39-32 Knicks

• Mirza Teletovic knocks down a corner 3. He's one of those guys who don't even look like athletes. Like they just tossed a jersey to a random fan and said "You're in." which may be the position the Nets are in if the injuries keep piling up.

• Martin drives to hole and flips up a shot. Nothing but backboard.

• Blatche with an open halfcourt dunk. 44-39 Knicks

• Uh Oh. Little scuffle here. Shumpert gives a forearm to Blatche and then they get in each other’s faces. Double techs for staring.

 • JR Smith drives for a last second shot misses and falls down. Shumpert walks right past his teammate without stopping to help him up. End of the second. 50-43 Knicks

3rd Quarter

• Felton puts up a 3 that hits every part of the rim before falling through.

 • Lopez scores on Bargnani again in the post. The Nets need to go to him every time until the Knicks can stop it. But knowing them they won't.

• Ok maybe I was wrong. Lopez just threw up a turnaround fade away rainbow airball.

• Shumpert nails his third 3. 58-47 Knicks

• Barkley on the Nets: "Their half court offense is just atrocious." Yup.

• Shumpert pops another 3. 61-50 Knicks

 • Barkley: "I guarantee Shaq is eating somewhere." Yup.

• Melo catches an alley oop while the Nets stand and watch

 • Shumpert with his 5th 3 pointer.

• Shumpert drives and tries to tomahawk it on Blatche but is fouled. If it went down it would have been dunk of the year. And Blatche would have died from embarrassment.

• Barkley on Lebron: "He's at the peak of his super powers." Super powers?

• Melo splashes a jumper on Teletovic after 5 or 6 fancy dribbles. The other Knicks just stood and watched.

• Knicks are up by 22 points so now the crew is talking about the Auburn Alabama game.

• Number 20 for the Nets drives to the rim and misses a layup. I say number 20 because I have no clue who he is.

• End of the third. 84-59 Knicks

4th Quarter

• Nets were outscored 34-16 in the third quarter. Sorry but that was fucking abysmal.

• Hardaway Jr hits a turnaround fall away shot that could only be characterized as pure luck

 • Barngnani hits a 3. 89-60 Knicks

• Tech on Amare for...I'm not sure. Breathing on Joe Johnson possibly?

• Another scuffle ensues. Barngnani falls and as he's trying to get up, he's pulling on KG's shorts. This cause a massive overreaction from refs and players. KG stands around for about 5 minutes with both hands in the air. Ya know, the usual stance he takes whenever threatened with physical violence. He then proceeds to the bench where he drops 17 F bombs.

• Barkley mentions Reggie Evans and Kenyon Martin as two guys on "the list" that you don't want to mess with. I see he's familiar with the Goon Squad.

• 89-61. Come on guys let's get this sticker over with.

• Bargnani gets ejected for thrash talking KG after making a 3. Have to say that I saw this coming. These two have been jawing at each other all night. Not to mention I saw them rubbing cheeks together earlier in the game.

 • Knicks are up 96-62 after a JR Smith 3.This is a hellacious beat down. I feel Kidd may be seeing his last days as a head coach.

• Barkley and Kerr are struggling to name the 3rd best team in the East.

• Every guy on the Nets bench looks miserable.

• Number 20 drives and scores. Not a single fuck was given.

• The final buzzer sounds. 113-83 Knicks

• I just heard the sad trombone over the PA system... (whomp whomp whaaa)