Basketbawful

Worst of the Night: January 26, 2012

2012-01-27T08:59:00.003-06:00

Wait...what?
The Orlando Magic: Seriously, Orlando Magic? Seriously? This game was so ugly for the Celtics I stopped watching in disgust part way into the third quarter when Paul Pierce and, like, three Celtics I barely recognized were running around like little, headless chickens. Later, I texted a friend something along the lines of "Fuckin' Celtics" and receilved the following reply:

Celtics won.

(Actually, the reply said "Clerics won." Thank you, Autocorrect.)

I was stunned beyond words. And so were the Basketbawful faithful:

You wanna talk bawful? Orlando has blown a 27-point lead and is now down 3 with 7:33 to go, to the Boston Geezers-I mean, Celtics. Can the Magic successfully turn this into a loss, and snatch wretched defeat from the jaws of a blowout? Stay tuned! Glen Davis is currently building his CV, he apparently is interested in switching careers from "professional cryer/eater" to "master bricklayer".
--The Other Chris

This is a truly auspicious and magnificent bawfulcomplishment by the Magicians. Their last possession featured Hedo "Ball" Turkopoopoo dribbling around aimlessly for a while, almost turning the ball over, and then getting his terrible 20-footer blocked as the shot clock expired. The Celtics defence is fantastic, but ye gods the Orlando offense is.. well, offensive.
--The Other Chris (again)

The Celtics were behind 58-37 at halftime. They proceed to dominate in the fourth quarter 27-8, with Orlando only scoring 5 points for the first 11:15 of the 4th. No, none of these are typos. And did anyone else witness that great moment in inbounding with about 30 seconds left? :D
chris

Oops I Did It Again should become the Magic's official team song.
--Bing

Magic are up 27 points Vs. the Celtics and end up losing by 8. I'm sure Dwight is just itching to sign a long term deal with them after this crap. And oh yea, guess Kryptonite isn't the only green thing that can stop Dwight Howard.
--Sturla

Magic's FG% was way too high this game. If they really want to out do their previous bawful effort, they need to suck for full 48 minutes instead of pretending to play for first 2 quarters. Seriously though, sad Orlando is sad.
--JJ

You wanna talk bawful fail of epictacular proporations? Boston ripped off a 15-1 run to start the fourth quarter. During that montage of crap, Orlando shot 0-for-7 from the field, went 1-for-6 at the free throw line, and bumbled the ball alway three times.

That 27-point choke was the Magician's biggest gag-job since losing a 22-point lead to the Mavericks...back in 2001.

Did I mention that the Celtics were still without Rajon Rondo and Ray Allen? (And Jermain "The Drain" O'Neal for that matter.) Or that Boston rookie E'Twaun Moore scored as many points (16) as Dwight Howard?

Said Stan Van Grumpy: "Their pressure, again, really pushed us sideways. We got frustrated with the officials and we got totally off our game."

Frustrated with the officials. Despite a 31-19 free throw advantage. And Boston's last eight FTAs were forced fouls. I'm just sayin'.

More facts from ESPN Stats and Information:

The Boston Celtics overcame a 27-point deficit to beat the Orlando Magic on Thursday, the largest deficit the Celtics have overcome and the largest lead the Magic have blown in any game in the past 16 seasons (as far back as we can go).

According to the Elias Sports Bureau, NBA teams had won their previous 282 games in which they led by at least 27 points, dating to December 21, 2009.

This comes three nights after the Magic scored a franchise-low 56 points on a franchise-low 24.6 percent shooting -- in another loss to the Celtics. Orlando scored 58 points in the first half alone on Thursday, but the second half more resembled Monday’s awful performance.

Elias tells us the Celtics allowed only 45 second-half points over their past two games combined: 20 on Monday and 25 on Thursday, both against the Magic. That’s the fewest second-half points allowed over a two-game span in the NBA’s shot-clock era. The previous low was 46 second-half points allowed over a two-game span by Detroit in 2003-04.

Orlando led 32-16 after the first quarter, but scored fewer points in each successive quarter, tallying just eight in the fourth. That’s the fewest fourth-quarter points they’ve scored in the past 15 seasons.

The Magic are averaging just 69.5 points per game in two games against the Celtics this season and 97.3 ppg in their other 16 games.

Lastly, Elias tells us that it’s just the third time in the shot-clock era that an NBA team scored more points in the first half than they did in the entire game in their previous matchup against that team that season.

Said Howard: "We thought it was going to be easy after the first two quarters."

And this is also why you fail:

Kevin Garnett, quote machine: Two words: Bar fight.

The Memphis Grizzlies: Let's see:

35.7 percent shooting? Check.

Giving up 24 points off 17 turnovers? Check.

Yeah, that'll earn you a loss on the road against the Clippers.

Said Care Bears coach Lionel Hollins: "We couldn't get any stops down the stretch. We were within three, and every time they came back down, they got it back to five. We never got a stop where we could get a chance to take the lead."

Huh. I guess I see what he's sayin'...but when your team shoots less than 36 percent from the field and gives the opposition a quarter of their points by throwing the ball away, your down-the-stretch defense is probably the least of your problems.

Rudy Gay, "I'm not givin' the other guys any credit" machine: "None of it was their defense. It was us. I mean, they do have some long athletic big men that alter a couple of shots. But for the most part, we were getting good shots and just weren't knocking them down."

Chris' One-Line Lacktion Ledger: Greg Stiemsma barely assisted with Boston's big comeback, putting up a paltry assist and two blocks in 7:18 that were easily countered by a turnover and four fouls for a 5:0 Voskuhl.

Bawful After Dark: January 26, 2012

2012-01-26T16:47:00.000-06:00

Silly Blake Griffin! The BALL is supposed to go through the hoop, not you!

Just for the record: Bawful texted me this morning that he didn't have time to write up a WOTN post today. I suggested he just throw up a picture of the Bobcraps logo and call it a day. "Hm. Good point."

Also, bad news for all the Hornets fans (all five of you)... Eric Gordon's out 3 to 6 more weeks thanks to his bum right knee.

Late addition: Derrick Rose is pissed, you guys. Check out this quote after last night's loss:

"I'll never forget how they celebrated just from winning this game. I can't wait to play them again."

Yeah, we'll have to keep that one in mind next time these two teams go to battle.

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

Caption This!

Sad DeMarcus is sad

"Hey Mahinmi! What's my finger smell like??"

Only Tim Duncan could do this and NOT have me make fun of him

K-Mart, what are you even doing??

Rest easy, Randy Whittman. You got your dead coach bounce victory out of the way. Now the Generals can go back to losing

Whatever Avery Johnson is screaming about here, I'm pretty sure it's not very family-friendly

Nationally Televised Games:

Celtics at Magic, TNT, 8:00pm: If this isn't a revenge game for the Magic, Dwight Howard will demand a trade. Oh, wait...

Grizzlies at Clippers, TNT, 10:30pm: I'm pretty sure Clippers players were still getting technical fouls called on them last night when they climbed into bed after the game.

Free Steve Nash

2012-01-26T11:02:00.003-06:00

Head over to quickmeme and join our underground campaign to free Steve Nash from from ~~the fiery pits of hell~~ the Phoenix Suns.

Thanks to BadDave for starting the meme.

Bawful After Dark: January 25, 2012

2012-01-25T17:00:00.000-06:00

Get down wit' yo bad self, Spoelstra

First things first: happy trails, Flip Saunders. I'll miss your amazingly fun name, terrible hair and goofy expressions of frustration. Someone, please hire Flip ASAP.

Oh, plus there's this: "Will most miss Flip Saunders' postgame quote sheet, which was often must-read. As close as you'll get to seeing 'I hate my team' in print."

Beyond that, I am going to give you some extra bawful tonight. There were so many great Monday night game pictures I missed posting yesterday that I needed to share them tonight. I'm sure you won't mind.

Worst of Monday Night in Pictures:

I'm so glad Flip was fired. Not sure how much longer he could retain his sanity coaching that team.

Larry Drew gets his ties from the Dilbert Collection

You're not doing anything to dissuade the Frankenstein's Monster jokes, Kevin...

In the immortal words of Hedo... Ball.

Worst of Last Night in Pictures:

Paul Silas tries hypnotizing Tyrus Thomas. Hey, it's worth a shot at this point, right?

"Damn Marreese, quit trying to whisper sweet nothings in my ear!"

Nationally Televised Games:

Pacers at Bulls, NBA TV, 8:00pm: The Pacers are one of the better defensive teams, and one of the best rebounding teams. They're fresh off a loss to the Magic and probably ready for a little justice. The Bulls might have their hands full here. That being said, the Bulls are the best defensive team and second in rebounds per game to only the Pacers. I'm excited for this game, guys.

Clippers at Lakers, NBA TV, 10:30pm: THE BATTLE OF LA. OMG OMG OMG! THIS GAME IS IMPORTANT. SHUT. DOWN. EVERYTHING.

All The Other Games:

Knicks at Cavaliers, 7:00pm: Nothing like delivering an absolute ass-whupping to the Bobcraps to get you out of a funk, right? The Knickerbockers might actually show up for this game. (Emphasis on "might." I make zero guarantees with this team.)

Nyets at 76ers: If there's a better way for the Sixers to start a home stand, I don't know it. Well, I take that back. I guess they could start the home stand against a team of elementary school kids. But barring that, this is a pretty good substitute.

Bobcraps at ~~Wizards~~ Generals, 7:00pm: Dead coach bounce alert!! Dead coach bounce alert!!

Heat at Pistons, 7:30pm: I'm looking at the Pistons news feed on ESPN.com right now. If you feel like being depressed, go read it for a few minutes. Brutal. Can someone please help turn this team around? I miss their excellent team play when they won the title just a few short years ago. I remember some people complaining about them being boring, but I liked them and they were actually competitive.

Bucks at Rockets, 8:00pm: A nice little stat for you. This 7 game winning streak the Rockets are riding is the longest since their ridiculous franchise record 22-game run in 2008. Good times.

Hornets at Thunder, 8:00pm: The Thunder have won a nice nine out of their last 10. But they lost to the friggin' Generals. So I have no expectations for this game.

Timberwolves at Mavericks, 8:30pm: The Mavs have won two straight without Dirk. Wounded Tiger theory? Or just favorable scheduling? (Hint: it's the latter.)

Hawks at Spurs, 8:30pm: A moment to put things into perspective: Tim Duncan is having a pretty awful year compared to his standards. But he's still averaging 13.5 points and 7.3 rebounds. Respect.

Craptors at Jazz, 9:00pm: Well, the Craptors got their one novelty win out of the way last night. Time to go back to rollerblading down stairs, right? (Seriously, Toronto fans. I don't hate your team. I just love that video of your mascot failing so, so hard.)

Nuggets at Kings, 10:00pm: The last time these two teams met on January 6th, the Nuggets bench scored 62 points. Their bench outscored the entire Magic roster's total against Boston the other night. Could Excremento show up looking for a little revenge? Or will it not matter because they're Excremento?

Trail Blazers at Warriors, 10:30pm: Fun stat of the day: Jeremy Tyler's PER in the 1.3 minutes of playing time he's averaged in six games? Negative 8.3. We salute your commitment to being bawful, Jeremy.

Worst of the Night: January 24, 2012

2012-01-25T07:55:00.003-06:00

"No more jumpers, Tyrus. Do you hear me? Tyrus? Hello...?"
The Indiana Pacers: One night after the worst offensive performance in franchise history, the Magic blew out of the Pacers in Indiana. In the process, Dwight Howard becamse Orlando's all-time leading scorer.

Said Pumaman: "It's a humbling experience. It does mean a lot. Not too many players in this league can say that they were their franchise's leading scorer."

And even fewer players can say it happened while they had an outstanding "Trade me the hell out of here!" request with said franshise.

As for the Pacers, they shot 39 percent, went 3-for-11 from downtown and committed 19 turnovers. But remember: They are, according to Roy Hibbert, the NBA's best kept secret. So we should assume this all part of the team's plan to remain shrouded in a cloak of mystery.

Said Paul George: "We just have to take this loss and move on. It's a long season. We must continue to grow and help each other."

Good luck with that, Paul. You check the schedule lately? Your next three games are at Chicago tonight, at Boston on Friday and at Orlando on Saturday. I'm just sayin'.

The Charlotte Bobcraps: The good news: Charlotte held Carmelo Anthony to a career-worst 1 point last night...and that single, solitary, sad point was scored via a technical free throw. So it's safe to say his ass got shut the hell down.

The bad news: The Bobcraps lost by 33 points anyway. In Charlotte.

Charlotte shot 33 percent and made Tyson Chandler (20 points and 17 boards) look like Dwight Howard.

Said Byron Mullens: "It's a (self-) check. I didn't come out to play. Tyson Chandler had 17 rebounds. That can't happen. I'll take full responsibility for that."

Said Bobcraps soon-to-be-fired coach Paul Silas: "I didn't like our softness. Eight offensive rebounds? That says we didn't play hard or tough. If I'm a 7-foot guy, do I let a guard push me under the basket? I tell these guys, 'You're coming out if you do that again.' There's not much else to say.

"We just didn't have enough. We had really two players that played tonight, that's Kemba Walker and Gerald Henderson. I think Brown scored a little bit there at the end but that was it. When Carmelo Anthony goes 0 for 7, come on, you know? We should at least be in the game."

Carmelo Anthony: Here's some historical perspective on 'Melo's 1-point outing courtesy of ESPN Stats and Information:

From Elias: Carmelo Anthony did not make a field goal yet his Knicks won by 33 points. It's just the 5th time since the ABA-NBA merger in which a player was 0-7 from the field and that player's team won by at least 33 points:

Gerald Wallace SAC 0-9 2001-02
Johnny Davis POR 0-9 1976-77
Carmelo Anthony NY 0-7 Tuesday
Troy Hudson MIN 0-7 2004-05
Scott Meents SEA 0-7 1990-91

Melo went 0-7 from the field, the first time in his career that he's played more than 2 minutes and made no field goals. He's had one other game without a field goal, when he sprained his ankle 1:09 into the game in a 101-92 Nets win over the Nuggets on November 28, 2005.

Carmelo Anthony was held scoreless in the first half. It was just the fifth time in 607 career games that Anthony failed to score before halftime.

The Cleveland Cadavers: Dwyane Wade was out, LeBron James had a bad night (8-for-21 with 5 turnovers), and the Cadavers had a legitimate chance of pulling off a win against the cHeat in Miami. Then...Chris Bosh happened:

The RuPaul of Big Men scored 17 of his game-high 35 points in the fourth quarter. He went 10-for-16 from the field and 14-for-14 at the line. It was the third-highest fourth quarter explosion of his career and the 35 points represents his highest scoring output since joining the Nazgul in Miami.

Cleveland lost in part because they were in such a giving mood.

Said Kyrie Irving: "We kind of beat ourselves tonight. We had 22 turnovers and we lost by seven points."

Added Cadavers coach Byron Scott: "Stayed in the game for 48 minutes. And the only thing I'm disappointed in is the fact that we had 22 turnovers. That's killing our young team."

I'm not saying the 22 turnovers didn't hurt. I'm not. But allow me to provide some perspective: Miami committed 18 turnovers and Cleveland scored 22 points off of them. Meanwhile, the Cadavers gave up only 13 points off their 22 turnovers. So, you know, I'm just sayin'.

The Phoenix Suns: Free Steve Nash for fuck's sake! Free him! For the love of God! Please! Aaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrgggggghhhhhh!

Okay. So here's the deal. The Craptors showed up in Phoenix with an eight-game losing streak and one of the bawfulest rosters in the league. What's more, Toronto hadn't beaten the Suns since February 10, 2004, a losing stretch of 14 games.

It looked like that fail streak might reach 15 until the Craptosaurs outscored the Suns 31-19 in the third quarter. Andrea Bargnani, in his return from injury, dropped 18 points over that 12-minute span. Bargs finished with a season-high 36.

Meanwhile, the Phoenix starters combined for five free throws. Total. And Marcin Gortat had all of them.

Said Nash: "Obviously we were struggling for energy, and I think that was the key, especially in that third quarter. They beat us on all the second-effort plays. They made a lot more of the plays, hustling for loose balls or running the floor, little things like that."

Nut-crushing reality: This was Toronto's first win over the Suns since Captain Canada joined the team.

Said Channing Frye: "We're professionals and we have to figure it out, take the criticism and keep moving forward."

In possibly related news, Frye went 1-for-7 from the field.

Added Suns coach Alvin Gentry: "We've got to continue to work. We've got to continue to be united. We've got to continue to try to get better. That's the only thing as a coach that I know how to do.

"There's nobody that's going to quit. We're not going to let anybody quit. We'll continue to try to figure it out and try to turn our season around. Nobody is going to throw in the towel, I know that."

The Minnesota Timberwolves: According to the AP game notes for the Craptors-Suns game: "Entering the game, the only active win streaks longer than the Suns-Raptors were Portland's 16 straight over Minnesota and the Los Angeles Lakers' 15 in a row over Minnesota."

The Memphis Grizzlies: So much for that seven-game winning streak. The Care Bears shot 38 percent from the field and made Marcus Camby (22 rebounds plus 5 blocked shots) look like the second coming of Bill Russell.

It took the Griz more than nine minutes to hit a shot to start the second half, going 0-for-12 during that span of time.

Said Memphis coach Lionel Hollins: "When you're a little bit fatigued, it's hard to keep attacking. You want to settle, and we did settle too much."

Chris' Lacktion Ledger:

Magic-Pacers: Louis Amundson amounted to very little, despite five boards in 13:11 - three fouls and turnovers each led to a 6:5 Voskuhl. Fellow Indiana resident Jeff Pendergraph cashed in after just 85 seconds for a 1.4 trillion!

Cavs-Heat: Ryan Hollins negated a three-point performance in exactly 12 minutes with a quartet of fouls for a 4:3 Voskuhl.

Raptors-Suns: Robin Lopez laid an egg from the field in 3:46 and added two fouls for a +3 and a 2:0 Voskuhl!!

Worst of the Night: January 23, 2012

2012-01-24T08:26:00.004-06:00

Caption this.
The New Jersey Nyets: The following video clip shows absolutely everything you need to know about last night's blowout loss to the Bulls:

Avery Johnson, quote machine: "WHEN THE BULLS ARE ENERGIZED AND THEY GET DERRICK ROSE BACK, THEY CAN SCORE 110 ON A LOT OF TEAMS."

Especially teams named "The New Jersey Nyets."

The Washington ~~Wizards~~ Generals: The following excerpts from the AP recap tells you absolutely everything you need to know about last night's blowout loss to the Sixers:

The Sixers must wish they could play the Wizards (2-15) every night. They beat them by 31 points and 13 points on consecutive nights earlier this month, and this game was never competitive.

...

The Wizards, who lost Sunday at Boston, played with little passion in the first half. They walked down the court for offensive possessions, never hustled after loose balls and couldn't convert the easiest of buckets, missing eight of nine shots in the paint in the first quarter. Washington coach Flip Saunders took a knee in front of the scorer's table, bowed his head and rubbed his temples after a string of sloppy plays.

...

The Sixers had 62 points in the first half, topping their previous season high for a half (54) set against, yup, Washington on Jan. 13.

The Orlando Magic: The following comments from yesterday's BAD post tell you absolutely everything you need to know about last night's blowout loss to the Celtics:

"The Magic, 16 from 65 from the field. Whoa."
-Bing

"Hahahahahahahahaha the Magic. Sorry. Not only with a franchise-low 56 points and 16 made field goals. they also played with only four players on the court for one posession, before richardson recognized the mess and knocked the ball out of bounds witout checking in. the bawful level of the season has reached a point beyond human understanding."
-Cetti

Also:

"The Magic shot 24.6 percent from the field in Monday's 87-56 loss, their lowest shooting percentage in franchise history."
-ESPN Stats and Information

Dwight Howard, quote machine: "There's no way KG should be beating me up and down the floor. There was a couple plays where he beat me up and down the floor. There's no way. He's 40 and I'm 25. I just can't allow that to happen. I have to step up and be the leader for this team."

The New Orleans Hornets: The following video clip shows everything you need to know about last night's last-second loss to the Spurs...and the rest of the Hornets' season-to-date:

Monty Williams, quote machine: "I told Emeka, 'It's coming to you.' He made a tough shot. You'd take that defense every time. It's just that [Duncan has] been there, done that. That's why he is one of the best power forwards of all time and one of the best players in the history of the game. Those situations don't bother him."

Tim Duncan, quote machine: "I just wanted to win on the road, honestly. I don't remember the road ever being this tough."

The Detroit Pistons: The following plus-minus scores for Detroit's starting lineup tell you absolutely everything you need to know about last night's blowout loss to the Thunder:

Ben Wallas: -10
Rodney Stuckey: -15
Tayshaun Prince: -22
Greg Monroe: -23
Brandon Knight: -23

The Phoenix Suns: Free Steve Nash. Please.

Jared Dudley: Regarding Shawn Marion's season-high 29 points scored in the abscence of Dirk Nowitzki: "Shawn was Dirk tonight."

The Golden State Warriors: All I can say is this: They choked away a 20-point lead and got outscored 39-22 in the fourth quarter to lose by a point to the Grizzlies. And it happened at home.

Said Warriors coach Mark Jackson: "At the start of that fourth quarter, we could have knocked them out. They would have been ready to surrender. We didn't when we had a chance to. They got underneath our skin, and we didn't respond."

Chris' Lacktion Report:

Generals-Sixers: Craig Brackins rang the Liberty Bell on a 1.5 trillion bonus (92 seconds)!

Magic-Celtics: Orlando's Ryan Anderson assisted twice in 23:16, but bricked EIGHT times, lost the rock once, and fouled thricely for a 4:0 Voskuhl!!

And can someone tell me how Dwight Howard - he of the mediocre free throw technique - managed a Dantley (10 charity stripe points to 4 field goals made)!?

Nyets-Bulls: DeShawn Stevenson (whose lacktion was also noticed by a Bulls fan - http://www.bulls101.com/2012/01/23/rip-city-chicago-bulls-110-new-jersey-nets-95/ ) took a rejection and bricked twice (once from the Sears Tower) in 10:03 to give the Nyets a +3.

Spurs-Hornets: Kawhi Leonard heaved a brick from the French Quarter in 7:11 to earn the Spurs a +1!

Pistons-Thunder: Nick Collison was perfect from the field (on one try) in 9:11, only to negate that and a board with two fouls and two turnovers for a 4:3 Voskuhl.

Rockets-Wolves: Houston's Jordan Hill wiped out a rebound in 6:27 with two fouls for a 2:1 Voskuhl.

Suns-Mavs: Robin Lopez had one field goal in 10:37, but egged out three fouls and a turnover for a 4:2 Voskuhl.

Purple Paupers-Blazers: Kurt Thomas's singular make from the field in 17:41 was countered by four fouls and one lost rock for a 5:2 Voskuhl, while Chris Johnson can now invest in a software company with Paul Allen after a 1.35 trillion (81 seconds)!

Grizzlies-Warriors: The victorious baby cubs certainly weren't deprived of lacktion tonight with three +2 suck differentials, starting with Josh Selby, who bricked once and took a rejection for in 6:37. Quincy Pondexter had a turnover instead of rejection in 4:01, while Sam Young matched Selby's statline in 110 seconds!

East Oakland's Andris Biedrins managed two boards as starting big man, but earned three fouls in 16:06 for a 3:2 Voskuhl.

Bawful After Dark: January 23, 2012

2012-01-23T16:23:00.004-06:00

Tom Thibodeau prepares for his first Broadway role

I don't know about you guys, but I had a great weekend. But it's time to move on. And what better way to move on than these pictures? Thank you, NBA players, coaches, and fans, for giving us an unending supply of comedy.

Worst of the Weekend in Pictures:

Caption This!

Seriously, people, help me out here!

"Even I can't give a crap about watching the Hawks play"

Who ya gonna call?? Mike Brown on his invisible phone!

You know, I'm starting to feel really bad for Paul Silas. He needs a hug.

OM NOM NOM

I bet Elton Brand goes crowdsurfing at concerts too

Where does Zaza end and Omri begin?

Sad Craptors bench is sad. And used to it.

Nationally Televised Games:

Magic at Celtics, NBA TV, 7:30pm: It's Glen Davis' Boston homecoming! If Big Baby doesn't shed a couple tears, I may need to reconsider everything I believe in life.

Grizzlies at Warriors, NBA TV, 10:30pm: As of this moment, the Grizz are leading their division. They are leading the reigning champion Mavs and the umpteen-time champion Spurs. THE GRIZZLIES. Remember when I said I may need to reconsider everything I believe in life? Scratch that. I absolutely need to reconsider everything I believe in life.

All The Other Games:

~~Wizards~~ Generals at 76ers, 7:00pm: They may still be mostly losing, but the Generals are finally trying hard and keeping their games somewhat close. What happened? Did someone inform the team "Hey, you guys DO realize the preseason is over. This stuff actually counts. Right?"

Spurs at Hornets, 8:00pm: The Hornets are averaging a league-worst 85.1 points per home game. Maybe they should reconsidering their choice to replace the rims with those undersized ones they use at the fair to screw you out of a fair chance to win a giant teddy bear.

Nyets at Bulls, 8:00pm: Chicago's injuries just keep piling up. We are about two more injuries from Bawful himself finally getting a shot at the big show.

Hawks at Bucks, 8:00pm: The Bucks are fresh off a somewhat surprising road win against the Heat. Can anyone say "letdown game?"

Rockets at Timberwolves, 8:00pm: The Timberwolves are 5-4 since losing Michael Beasley to a sprained foot. Just sayin'.

Pistons at Thunder, 8:00pm: Oh, Detroit. The Pissed-Ons are riding a 14-game losing streak against Western Conference opponents. Meanwhile, they are dead-last in points and rebounds per game this season. Coincidence? Also, the classic Ray Charles song Hard Times just came up on my MP3 player while I was typing this. Coincidence???

Suns at Mavericks, 8:30pm: This compressed schedule sucks. Maybe I should pull a Dirk and take off a week or so for "conditioning." (Just kidding, I wouldn't do that to you guys. I love you all too much.)

Kings at Trail Blazers, 10:00pm: Excremento is dead last in points allowed per game, and 5th to last in points per game. But they have still managed to somehow win six games. This is why you can't just look at averages.

Worst of the Night: January 22, 2012

2012-01-23T08:30:00.002-06:00

Rape Ghost!
The Washington ~~Wizards~~ Generals: Sigh. It's the same old story for this sorry squad. Sure, they were playing at home against an aging and slumping Celtics team that was without Rajon Rondo (sprained wrist). And, yeah, Boston lost the services of Ray Allen with six and a half minutes to go in the second quarter after Ray-Ray sprained the wrist connected to his shooting hand.

Enter Paul Pierce. The Truth had managed only a feeble 20 total points in his previous two games. Didn't matter. The Generals are like a Fountain of Healing to their opponents, and Pierce finished with a season-high 34 points on 10-for-15 from the field and 12-for-15 from the line. He also had season-bests in assists (10) and steals (3).

Believe it or not, Washington actually came back from a 15-point third quarter deficit to take a one-point lead in the fourth...

...but Pierce and Kevin Garnett closed them out. KG even jumped for the first time in the 2011-12 season.

Note the stellar D by Andray Blatche.
Said Generals coach Flip Saunders: "We got ahead because we defended, got ahead and ran, and we moved the ball offensively. Then all of a sudden we got ahead and the ball had Velcro."

Flip Saunders, quote machine: "Ten days ago we weren't competing at a high level. We've gotten to the point now we're competing at a high level. Now we've got to find a way to close out these games."

In possibly related news, the Generals are a league-worst 2-14 and are the only team still winless on the road (0-6). But, hey, at least they're competing at a high level now.

The Toronto Craptors: Aaaaaaaaand...here we go:

Tonight's Craptoriffic loss came courtesy of Mo Williams, who single-handedly turned back Toronto's rally from a 22-point deficit by scoring The Other L.A. Team's first 17 points of the fourth quarter. That's right. Their first 17 points.

And people say he shouldn't have been an All-Star a few years back.

(Those people are right, but that's another story.)

Said Mo: "I didn't do it by myself. I mean, let's get that straight. Anytime you're doing something, you're not doing it alone. You can't play one-on-five -- not in this league. It might look like it because I'm the guy making the baskets. But trust me, there's a lot of things that have to go on for me to get the ball in the right spots."

You can't play one-on-five? Not in this league? Kobe Bryant begs to differ, Mo.

But I digress.

The Craptors didn't lose only because they forgot to put a talon or two in Williams' face. Defense was also an issue, as evidenced in this appropriately titled video Clippers Put On Dunking Clinic In Win Over Raptors:

Toronto was down 27-11 after 12 minutes.

Said DeMar DeRozan: "Another loss -- and the way we lost is definitely frustrating. We dug ourselves our own hole. We tried to fight back, but teams are too good in this league to allow that. Teams are going out there and jumping on our team. No one likes to take a loss, so we need to act like it from the start."

Added Craptors coach Dwane Casey: "Our starts have been horrendous. We compete harder in practice than we do to start the games. That is nothing against the Clippers. They've got a very solid basketball team, and they are going to be in the money at the end of the day."

And the Craptosaurs will be out of the money. At the end of the day, the week, the month, the season...

The Miami cHeat: Well now. Despite shooting a bawful 35 percent from the field -- including a gak-inducing 16 percent (5-for-30) from three-point range -- the Bucks managed to beat the cHeat in Miami despite coming in with a 1-8 record outside of Milwaukee.

How'd that happen? Well, the cHeat had season-worsts in points (82) and field goal percentage (37), committed 22 turnovers for 22 points going the other way, and tied an NBA season-low with only 9 assists...which also happened to be the second-lowest total in Miami franchise history.

Said LeBron James: "We can't make no excuses for ourselves."

Cool. I hate excuses.

Added LeBron: "But no one had energy from the start of the game to the end."

Wait. Isn't that an excuse?

Said cHeat coach Erik Spoelstra: "We're not going to make any excuses."

Cool. I hate excuses.

Added Spoelstra: "That's a busy week but that's not an excuse for tonight."

Wait. Isn't that an excuse?

The Bucks have now won consecutive road games for the first time since December 2010. Thank you, Miami cHeat.

Bonus bawful from the AP recap: The teams combined for almost as many TOs (11) as field goals (12) in the third quarter.

LeBron James, quote machine: Regarding teammate Shane Battier calling Miami's performance a clunker: "I don't even know what that means. Shane has words I've never heard, maybe it's a college word."

I'm guessing LeBron isn't winning too many games of Words with Friends.

The Charlotte Bobcraps: Games against teams like the Nyets -- even if they're on the road -- are among the rare opportunities for the Bobcraps to actually come away with a win. Last night wasn't one of those nights though.

As Nyets coach Avery Johnson screamed it: "WE FIGURED THAT [THE] FIRST TEAM TO 100 WOULD REALLY HAVE A CHANCE TO WIN."

So the Little General coaches by Lawler's Law. Nice.

Added Johnson: "WE MADE MORE SHOTS TONIGHT."

He's kind of right. Charlotte was 37-for-79 while New Jersey went 38-for-86. So the Nyets made ONE more shot. Although they shot a lower percentage. But even that's enough to beat the Bobcraps.

The Los Angeles Lakers: The Pacers really won this one by a nose! Ha ha ha a ha ha ho ha a he he a ha oh ah ha. Okay. I'm done.

Roy Hibbert got his nose busted up last night by, of course, Kobe Bryant. It didn't stop the kid from coming back to the game and scoring 8 of his 18 points in the fourth quarter to lead Indy to a road victory in L.A.

Said Hibbert: "Kobe spun baseline, I jumped straight up and he inadvertently elbowed me in the face. It didn't hurt that much. I couldn't get it fixed up because they didn't have a doctor here to put it back in place, but I went back here and got an X-ray done.

"They didn't want me to come back out, but I told them I'm going to no matter what. So if I got hit again, that's fine. I could always get cosmetic surgery at the end of the season to fix it. I'm a tough player, and I just wanted to play through it and make sure we got this win. This game was really important to us. I just wanted to make sure I found open shooters and cutters and score whenever I could."

In the end, Hibbert (18 points, 9-for-13, 8 boards, 4 assists, +18) outplayed Andrew Bynum (16 points, 6-for-12, 8 rebounds, 1 assist, +6), again putting a damper on Chris Webber's and Shaq's pronouncements that Andy is the league's best center. Pau Gasol wimped out (8 points on 4-for-12 from the field) and Kobe continued shooting the hell out of the basketball (14-for-30) to no avail.

At the end of the night, the Lakers scored only 96 points on 41 percent shooting, which included going 2-for-9 on threes. They also bricked 11 free throws. Kind of meaningful in a two-point loss, right?

As the AP recap pointed out, the Lakers "have failed to reach 100 points for the 11th straight game -- their longest streak since a 12-game stretch in 2003-04."

Said Kobe: "We're really not shooting the ball well. We have to start knocking down some of those shots. The opposition is shooting the ball much better than we are, especially from 3. After the first quarter, we opened the floodgates and just let them score at will. Then you compound that with the fact that we're having a tough time scoring."

Added Lakers coach Mike Brown: "We've got to give Indiana credit because they outworked us. It's too bad, because we came out and played great defense. But then the last three quarters, we didn't play with a sense of urgency. We thought Indiana would fold to a certain degree, and we kind of went through the motions. This game was tough to swallow."

You...you thought the Pacers would fold? That was your game plan, Mike?

Former Lakers assistant and current Pacers assistant can see some problems with L.A.'s offense. They're pretty obvious and, actually, it's not about how many shots Kobe is taking. It's about where other guys' shots are coming from: "I did notice that [Pau's] out on the floor a lot more, a lot further away from the basket. So that kind of neutralizes him. Those two big guys [Gasol and Andrew Bynum], that's always been the strength of this team. You want your biggest guys close to the basket."

No kidding.

Added Gasol: "I would like to get a little more inside, myself. I always like to have different looks and be able to attack from different angles. The second half I didn't have one chance to attack from the post, so I was more of a facilitator. I got two jumpers, open, that I missed, and that was all the opportunities that I had. A little too many jumpers for my taste. I'd like to get a couple more looks inside the paint. That'll increase the [shooting] percentage."

Mike Brown strikes again.

Chris' Lacktion Ledger:

Celtics-Generals: Greg Stiemsma fouled once after making contact with a Piranha Plant in 47 seconds, earning a Mario, +1, AND a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl! Sasha Pavlovic found a pot of gold worth 3.7 trillion (3:43).

Craptors-Clippers: Amir Johnson wheeled his way into the ledger by countering a board and free throw in 7:06 with two fouls and a turnover for a 3:2 Voskuhl.

Courtney Fortson gave Lob City a brick from the First Interstate Tower in 6:06 and added on three lost rocks and a foul for a +5, while Travis Leslie spun one foul in 2:45 for a +1.

Bobcats-Nyets: Larry Owens turned on his Super Nintendo for just 12 seconds before powering off on a Mario!

Bucks-El (Oh El) Heat: Eddy Curry chomped down two fouls and a delicious baked turnover in 5:45, negating a board to give South Beach a 3:1 Voskuhl!!!!!

Bawful After Dark: Weekend Watch

2012-01-20T18:34:00.003-06:00

Sometimes being a coach means having to demonstrate to your players how to escape from a Chinese finger trap

Sorry I got this posted a little later than usual. My Clark Kent job was a little stressful this week and I haven't gotten enough sleep because I am an idiot and am good at misjudging priorities and...

Oh, okay. Sorry.

Worst of the Night in Pictures

Wladimir Klitschko's promoter is on the phone right now with Burnie the Mascot's people for a PPV card

Invisible upright bass

"So... hungry... Must avoid... temptation... to eat... this basketball..."

Nationally Televised Friday Games:

Lakers at Magic, ESPN, 8:00pm: The Lakers are 1-5 on the road this season. Where have you gone, Phil Jackson? Laker nation turns its lonely eyes to you.

Timberwolves at Clippers, 10:30pm: The Clippers are looking to win their eight consecutive home game. Did Biff steal the DeLorean again and we are in some crazy alternate timeline like Back to the Future 2?

All The Other Friday Games:

Hawks at 76ers, 7:00pm: The Al Horford-les Hawks' wounded tiger phenomenon gets put to the test. But it's still the Hawks so I can't get too excited or interested even if they are a good team.

Nuggets at ~~Wizards~~ Generals, 7:00pm: Okay, it's the Generals. They're fresh off a win. Only two things can happen here. Either they show up motivated, or they show up lethargic as a tree sloth.

Trail Blazers at Craptors, 7:00pm: No Bargnani again for the Craptors. Prepare the rollerskating fail video!

Suns at Celtics, 7:30pm: Rondo is day-to-day with a sore wrist. Please please please let him play just so we are treated to a Rajon Rondo/Steve Nash matchup. That's all I ask as a fan of the point guard position.

Bulls at Cavaliers, 7:30pm: Speaking of injuries, Derrick Rose is still plagued with a case of turf toe. ARGH. Is ANYONE in this league healthy?

Grizzlies at Pistons, 7:30pm: You know, the Grizzlies have gone 6-3 since losing Z-Bo a couple weeks ago. Wasn't he responsible for a lot of their quality play last year, much to our genuine surprise? So what's going on now? Any Grizz fans out there who can fill us in?

Bucks at Knicks, 7:30pm: The Deer in Headlights have suspended Stephen Jackson one game for what they are describing as an “unexcused absence” from the team's morning shootaround. I dunno about that. Not being around the rest of the team's bad offense might be a good thing for him.

Kings at Spurs, 8:30pm: The Purple Paupers are a dreadful road team and are starting a 4-game-in-6-nights stretch. Abandon all hope for an entertaining game.

Pacers at Warriors, 10:30pm: Just to point out something from the Pacers' loss to the aforementioned Excremento: they were shut down in the 4th quarter by a zone defense. Why did it take so long for anyone to figure this out? The Pacers' shooting percentage has been pretty dreadful all season, and they're currently 27th in the league in that stat (though they are 7th in 3 point shooting percentage). Wouldn't it stand to reason that going zone and forcing Indiana to take more jumpers would likely be effective? I am far from a good basketball mind, so please correct me if I'm wrong in this line of thinking.

Nationally Televised Saturday Games:

Nuggets at Knicks, NBA TV, 7:30pm: To recap: the Knicks are coached by offensive-minded Mike D'Antoni and their roster includes Melo, Amar'e, and Tyson Chandler. Why can't they score any points??

All The Other Saturday Games:

Cavaliers at Hawks, 7:00pm: Cleveland gets to play the Hawks right after playing the Bulls, then they get to go Tuesday and play a game in Miami and Wednesday in New York. That's it. The lockout shortened schedule is officially bawful.

Trail Blazers at Pistons, 7:30pm: You know, you have to give the Pissed-Ons credit. They are dead last in points per game AND rebounds per game. It takes a certain kind of ineptitude to pull that one off.

76ers at Heat, 7:30pm: I know, small sample size and everything, but just an interesting stat. As of right now, the Sixers' SRS stat according to basketball-reference.com (rating that takes into account average point differential and strength of schedule) is even higher than their '67 and '83 championship teams. Their Defensive Rating is 93.3 -- the lowest in team history. That's pretty impressive, even if it's only over a 14 game span.

Mavericks at Hornets, 8:00pm: The Mavs will be playing without Vince Carter for a third straight game. Addition by subtraction?

Bobcraps at Bulls, 8:00pm: Want to see tons and tons of mediocre to sad statistics? Take some time to read through the Bobkittens' page on Basketball Reference. And remember that the best player in NBA history runs this team.

Spurs at Rockets, 8:00pm: A random stat I enjoyed: the Spurs' worst win/loss percentage under Gregg Popovich is .610 -- no wonder there's talk about him being in consideration for the Olympic team by people like LeBron James. He's like the anti

Thunder at Nyets, 8:00pm: The Thunder are fresh off a loss to the Generals. The GENERALS. If the don't come out looking for blood in this game, I will have lost all faith in humanity.

Kings at Grizzlies, 8:00pm: I saw this on Twitter earlier today (I THINK JE Skeets retweeted it, can't remember for certain unfortunately). One of the worst basketball cards of all time, featuring Big Country Bryant Reeves.

Timberwolves at Jazz, 9:00pm: The Timberwolves are 27th in the league in assists per game despite having Ricky Rubio on their roster averaging 8 dimes a game. So what happens to the ball when it's not in his hands? (looks at roster) Oh. Yeah, I forgot. They're still the Timberwolves. A new and improved Timberwolves, but still the Timberwolves.

Nationally Televised Sunday Games:

Celtics at ~~Wizards~~ Generals, NBA TV, 1:00pm: Why do the Generals keep making it on national TV? Are there people getting confused and thinking they're airing Harlem Globetrotters games? Should I start watching these games while looping that sweet Globetrotters song?

Yeah, this would definitely make Generals games more watchable

All The Other Sunday Games:

Craptors at Clippers, 3:30pm: Basketbawful reader Cznerobog chimed in with the following zinger I have to share: "The Clippers will be in the finals. Source: Maian Calendar."

Bucks at Heat, 6:00pm: This year's Milwaukee squad has the 7th worst SRS rating in team history. Just thought you might like to know that.

Bobcraps at Nyets, 6:00pm: Well, I can pretty safely say this game won't be worth watching. So to spare you the pain, I'll recommend a Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode to watch instead. How about the classic The Pumaman? It features Aztecs, sensible slacks, and Donald Pleasance. Here's a couple minutes of highlight if you aren't familiar with it.

"A Post-It note can sense danger better than this guy"

Pacers at Lakers, 9:30pm: Okay, this might actually be a good way to end the hoops weekend.

Worst of the Night: January 19, 2012

2012-01-20T09:29:00.003-06:00

Sometimes things end too soon. Far too soon.
Personal anguish: NO! NO! GOD IN HEAVEN NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I could not have possibly said it any better than Basketbawful reader Joe did in yesterday's WotN comments: "If anyone needs me I'll be at home lying face down on the floor with only the occasional wracking sob to indicate that I'm still alive."

Day ruined. Week ruined. Month and year ruined. Life ruined. By bad knees.

Said past, present, and future Basketbawful mascot Greg Ostertag: "They've been bugging me since I came back (in late December), but I could barely move (after Reno). I felt good there and I played good. I get out there and sometimes I do get loose, but usually the 'don'ts' are longer than the 'dos.' It sucks, but I knew going into this what could happen.

"I regret quitting when I did. At that time, it wasn't so much playing. I was tired of everything that goes along with it, like the travel, not being able to fall asleep before 4 or 5 in the morning. I was tired of all that, but I should have kept going for a couple more years.

"I hope people understand that this was not a publicity stunt. I genuinely wanted to play basketball. The first couple weeks, I thought I was playing decent, but I just wasn't in shape. I was starting to get in shape -- as far as conditioning I felt as good as I've felt (Wednesday night against Tulsa) -- but I just can't move the way I need to. These guys are young and fast. Some of them were just getting out of diapers when I came into the league.

"My mind was going a million miles an hour. I just realized it was time to hang 'em up for good."

Saddest day ever.

The Los Angeles Lakers: This may have been the signature play of the game:

Or maybe it was this one:

Or this one:

Or...well...you get the idea:

The stat of the game? I suppose it could have been Kobe's 8-for-21 shooting performance or L.A. going 6-for-20 from downtown. But to me, it was the fact that Darius Morris logged 18 minutes for the Lakers. And that's after the near whitewash they have coming off the bench (Jason Kapono, Josh McRoberts, Troy Murphy).

Ugh.

Another fun stat from the AP recap: "Bryant had as many field goals in the opening 24 minutes (one, on eight shots) as Heat forward Eddy Curry (1 for 1), who got his first NBA action since December 2009 when he checked in late in the first quarter for a 2½-minute stint in which he made a basket, grabbed a rebound, was charged with a turnover and got a pair of loud ovations from a sellout crowd."

Andew Bynum (15 points, 6-for-13, 12 boards, -4) is supposed to be the first or second-best center in the league, depending on who you ask, but he wasn't more effective than Miami's Joel "Punchline" Anthony (7 points, 3-for-5, 7 rebounds, +14).

Despite Kobe's recent throwback string of 40-point games, are the Lakers a championship team? It sure didn't look like it last night.

But maybe they just weren't aggressive enough.

Said L.A. coach Mike Brown: "They were the aggressors on both ends of the floor until the last few minutes of the game. We were aggressive the last six, seven minutes. You can't go over a 48-minute game against a team like this and allow them to be the aggressor for most of the night."

Of course, Kobe has other ideas...

Kobe Bryant, quote machine: "We might want to go back to some of the things that we were doing a few weeks ago in terms of me being on some spots on the floor and things where I'm most comfortable."

Translation: We're better when I'm scoring 40 points. GIVE ME THE BAAAAALLLLLLL.

Mike Brown, quote machine: "I had a great time coaching LeBron. I wouldn't be in this suit if it wasn't for him."

And he might still be in a Cleveland uniform if not for you, Mike.

Eddy Curry, quote machine: "Felt great. I didn't know what to expect. I've been working hard for this moment. This is only the beginning."

Josh McRoberts: He's like a zero calorie version of Bill Laimbeer.

The Houston Rockets: No. No, I do not care if they won. The Rockets were guilty of some of the bawfulest ball the modern world will ever know.

As Basketbawful reader Silvio put it: "Rockets scored 8 pts in 15 minutes, Q4 + first 3 minutes of OT. After Houston scored 58 in 1st half, they simply stopped playing, in those 15 min they went from +12 to -5. They played like they're actually payed to lose ... more precise, they looked like this seasons' Washington Generals."

The New Orleans Hornets: Silvio continues: "Still Rockets won in the end (7-0 in last 2 minutes of OT) . Sorry, Hornets lost again - there was no winner today, it just happened that one of teams was more determined to lose. Hornets. Again. Last 5 possessions: Jason Smith turnover, Jarett Jack missed three, Jarett Jack shot blocked, Jarett Jack turnover, Belinelli missed shot. Guess Hornets are still in quest for 'better basketball plays.' Good luck with that."

Monty Williams, quote machine: "I always tell them, 'Give the fight and do your best. We did everything we could to win the game."

Dude. Your team shot 39 percent from the field. Everything?

Luis Scola, truth machine: "We weren't executing the right way. They came back, and that's what happens when you don't play good."

Jason Smith, hope machine: "I'm only taking positives from this game. We played hard and that's what we have to do every game to give ourselves a chance to win."

All Jefferson, quote machine: "It's for sure we got fight. We got to get that reputation around the league that we're not going to be pushed around. We're going to fight to the end. Dallas may have won the game, but they know they were in a fight."

Chippiness: Settle down, ladies.

Shaq, clownin' machine: To the video:

Chris' Lacktion Report:

Lakers-Heat: Josh McRoberts muddied two boards and assists in 12:49 with a brick, two turnovers, and two fouls for a 4:2 Voskuhl, while Andrew Goudelock spent 52 seconds at GameStop for a Mario.

Hornets-Rockets: Gustavo Ayon stung his way to the ledger by a foul in 2:24 for a +1 and 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl.

Houston's Jeff Adrien can now afford a lavish, expensive party for Clutch the Bear after gathering up a 3.75 trillion (3:46)!

Mavs-Jazz: Brian Cardinal wiped the floor with one foul in 146 seconds for a +1.

Bawful After Dark: January 19, 2012

2012-01-19T16:35:00.003-06:00

John Wall and Kevin Durant throw down in an epic sit-up contest

Bad news, friends. The ultimate Basketbawful dream is over: Greg Ostertag's comeback is already dead. Excuse me, I just need a few moments alone... I think I got some dust in my eyes or something...

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

Looks like this photographer Mike D'Antoni daydreaming about Steve Nash again

Aaaaaah! Kill it with fire!

If this fallaway jumper had any more "fall" and "away" in it, Rubio would land on his head 5 miles back from where he started

Nationally Televised Games:

Lakers at Heat, TNT, 8:00pm: EDDY CURRY EDDY CURRY EDDY CURRY. Oh, and no D-Wade and LeBron was sent home from shootaround this morning with illness and is a game-time decision. But EDDY CURRY, YOU GUYS! Also, this Brian Windhorst tweet caught my eye: "Eddy Curry has lost around 100 lbs. Yesterday worked extra hour after practice & they literally had to mop up his sweat. Might play tonight." One hundred pounds! Eddy lost damn near a full human being! However, wait for it... "Curry said he stills gets winded easily and won't be able to play much." Yep, he is who we thought he is.

Mavericks at Jazz, TNT, 10:30pm: I don't know what's going on in Utah, but the Jazz have the best record in the 2012 calendar year. They have gone 8-1 over the past two and a half weeks. Then again, have you seen their schedule? The Jazz have only three road games the entire month of January. Three! And so far this month they've gotten to play teams like the Hornets, the Bucks, the Warriors, the Cavaliers, and the Nyets, plus a Clippers squad that had just lost Chris Paul and hadn't adjusted to playing without him yet. I'm not calling it fool's gold (this does seem like a solid team, after all), but I'm just putting that caveat out there.

All The Other Games:

Hornets at Rockets, 8:00pm: Hornets guard Jarrett Jack recently said "We've just got to make better basketball plays." Well, that might help you win basketball games more than making better football plays or baseball plays I suppose. Good thinking, Jarrett Jack.

Worst of the Night: January 18, 2012

2012-01-19T07:28:00.004-06:00

The Orlando Magic's shootin' eye: Despite a 60-41 rebounding deficit, a 2-for-17 shooting performance from beyond the arc, and Dwight Howard's Animal Style Double-Double (24 points, 25 boards), the Spurs downed the Magic in OT. In Orlando. It was San Antonio's first road win of the season.

[throws confetti]

And Stan Van Grumpy wants to take the blame: "Our guys deserve to win with the effort they put out tonight. But I'm kind of disappointed in myself."

Disappointed in himself? He must have had a quick peek through his closet.

The real blame goes to his team's misquided shooting: 33 percent from the field and 4-for-21 from downtown.

Von Wafer: It's hard to bust too hard on a role player, but everyone's favorite German sandwich cookie hit a driving layup with 16 seconds left in OT that pulled the Magic to within a point. He also got fouled on the shot...but bonked the ensuing freebie. So instead of the game being tied, Ryan Anderson had to foul Richard Jefferson, who knocked in one of his two foul shots. Anderson missed a three at the buzzer and that was the ball game.

Richard Jefferson: It's only fair to mention that by hitting only one of his two 'throws, Jefferson gave Orlando a chance to win the game with a three.

Richard Jefferson, quote machine: "I know it's the first road victory, but let us not get carried away. It's not like we were a bad team, or under .500. ... We had some tough losses and bad losses. We have a quality team here. We just have to play better on the road for a longer period of time."

Big Baby: I...uhm...wha...I have no words.

The Oklahoma City Thunder: This qualifies as one of those "Wait...what?" games. The Thunder began the night with the league's best record (12-2). The ~~Wizards~~ Generals had the worst (1-12). Washington shot 38 percent from the field, missed 12 free throws, and committed 18 turnovers for 20 points going the other way. And Kevin Durant finally had himself a 30-point game (33 on 11-for-24 shooting).

But the Thunder lost.

Said KD: "It's not the end of the world. We lost to a hungrier team than us. It hurts, because we want to win every game, especially me, I want to win at home, but you've got to look past it."

Added Russell Westbrook: "It's tough, especially when we weren't mentally focused to start the game. They stuck around and stuck around and they kind of got a win."

Kind of got a win? I didn't realize there were "Kind of Wins" and "Kind of Losses" columns in the standings, Russell.

John Wall, quote machine: "We know we're better than our record. You're still 2-12. You still got a lot to do."

Andray Blatche, quote machine: On getting booed by the home crowd: "That was terrible. Oh man. We won. So if they want to do that and we win, I don't care."

The Toronto Craptors: Quick quiz: What's the best cure for a five-game losing streak? Quick answer: The Craptosaurs.

Another scary fall for Rondo.

Rajon should just stop jumping this season. You know, like KG did.

Rajon Rondo, quote machine: On the Celts winning one game in a row: "This is our second-longest winning streak this year. It's a positive vibe right now in our locker room."

The Golden State Warriors: I'll let Golden State coach Mark Jackson do the dishonors on this one:

"It's a disappointing loss. We had the game won. Bottom line, if you don't close out quarters or possessions, it will come back to bite you. They outworked us, beat us on the boards (45-25) and have no excuses. This is a win that we fully expected coming in."

DAMN IT, WARRIORS. YOU'RE BETTER THAN THAT

But not really.

The New Jersey Nyets: Yes, they won, but let me repeat that quote from Jackson:

"This is a win that we fully expected coming in."

So despite being 5-8 and playing on the road, the Warriors "fully expected" to beat the Nyets in their own place. Kinda tells you all you need to now about this team.

The New York Bricks: A few days ago, ESPN's Royce Webb published an article about how the Brickerbockers have a losing record since trading for Carmelo Anthony (20-21). And even more damaging to 'Melo's stock, the Nuggets have been kind of awesome since shipping Anthony to the Big Apple (26-12).

Fittingly, on the same night the Nuggets improved to 10-5 by becoming the first team to beat the Sixers in Philly this season, the Bricks fell to 6-8 by losing in Madison Square Garden to a Suns team that was riding a five-game losing streak and coming off a 118-97 loss the the Derrick Rose-less Bulls then night before.

That, my friends, is how we define "fail."

You know how the Knicks were no defense and all offense? Well, their gasping, sputtering, wheezing O finished with 88 points on 37 percent shooting. They also clanked 10 free throws in the three-point loss. And here was the knockout blow:

Said Mike 'Antoni: "I know we're 6-8, I know we're in a little bit of a crisis here. But we're playing hard, playing good defense. There's some good things we're doing. We've just got to figure out the one part and that's the part that should be easiest. It's become a problem, and if we solve it, we'll be pretty good. We just have to do it sooner rather than later."

Added Amar''''''e Stoudemire: "We can't keep making excuses. We need to start pushing forward and get over the hump offensively."

Hump? What hump?

Jeff Teague: Not cool.

Jarrett jack, Mark Jackson Impersonator: Regarding his team's 93-87 home loss to the Grizzlies, which dropped the Hornets to 1-7 at home and 3-11 overall, Jack said: "Obviously when you continually have these shortcomings, it gets frustrating. If you come in and you're like, 'We have to take care of the turnovers,' and we still have 18 turnovers. That's when it's like, 'Come on guys. We're better than this.'"

Are you sure you guys are better than that, Jarrett?

The Detroit Pistons: The Pissed-Ons looked like they were moving full steam ahead toward their second road win of the season...and then got outscored 29-14 in the fourth quarter. Bummer.

Said Greg Monroe: "We can't keep playing well for 42 minutes and then the last six minutes give the game away. As a team, we have to get better and finishing and putting the game away."

Added Detroit coach Lawrence Frank: "We just couldn't sustain it. We just had breakdowns, not just on the ball, but off the ball, too."

Tayshaun Prince, Capain of the Obvious: "We have to find a way to win. We haven't yet."

Associated Press, quote machine: "[Kevin] Love bought 1,000 tickets for fans to this one as part of a promotion to try and keep the attendance at Target Center high against a team that had been drawing the fewest fans on the road in the league. They were treated to an ugly one early."

The Indiana Pacers: A few days ago, after the Pacers beat a slumping Celtics team, Roy Hibbert uttered the following prophetic words:

"I like to say to the guys in the locker room, we're the best-kept secret. Nobody's talking about us. Indiana Pacers are best-kept secret. Let everybody talk about the teams and have them ranked ahead of us, and we're just going to go ahead and just do our business and chop them down."

Then, in their very next game, the Pacers lost to the Excremento Kings. And they didn't just lose. They did it in bawfully historic fashion. From the AP recap:

No one in the stunned Sacramento Kings locker room could remember winning a game in which they shot so poorly.

Marcus Thornton scored 17 points and the Kings rallied from 14 points down in the fourth quarter to beat the Indiana Pacers 92-88, snapping a three-game losing streak despite shooting just 30.1 percent from the field.

According to the Elias Sports Bureau, the last time the franchise had won a game while shooting less than 31 percent was Dec. 1, 1957, when the Cincinnati Royals edged the Minneapolis Lakers 90-89. Denver was the last NBA team to pick up a win while shooting less than 31 percent, hitting 29.2 percent in an 80-72 win over San Antonio on Oct. 29, 2003.

"I didn't know we shot that bad," said Francisco Garcia, who came off the bench and scored 10 of his 14 points in the fourth quarter, in which the Kings outscored Indiana 26-8 and forced nine turnovers. "It was good for us to get this win even though we shot such a bad percentage. But we're not going to keep shooting like that."

The Pacers began the final period by missing eight of 11 shots and squandered their big lead. It didn't help that Indiana was sloppy with its passing and committed 10 fouls in the fourth quarter. The Kings shot 12-of-15 on free throws in the fourth, and their final six points were from the line.

The Pacers shot 3-for-16 in the final period and had nine turnovers. Neither team had a field goal in the final 3:24.

Your Indiana Pacers, folks. The NBA's best kept secret.

The Dallas Mavericks: After letting Derek Fisher beat them with a last-second three-pointer the other night, surely the Mavs wouldn't let the same thing happen to them against the Clippers? Right? Right...?

Wrong.
Said Jason Kidd: "Again we lost on a 3 from the right side -- the same spot Fish made his shot the other night. The Clippers drew up a good play. We knew Billups and Griffin were going to have the ball at some point, and Billups made the shot. We were in a position to win the game, and we just couldn't get a stop.

"We must lead the league in last-second shots made by our opponents, so we've got to figure out a way to close the door."

Chris' Lacktion Ledger:

Thunder-Generals: Okay, first off, OKLAHOMA CITY LOST TO THE GENERALS.

Maybe that explains how Kendrick Perkins finagled five rebounds in 28:18 with three fouls and turnovers each for a 6:5 Voskuhl?

Meanwhile, Roger Mason Jr. managed a celebratory brick toss at Wario (right off of Gallery Place) in 17 seconds for a Mario and +1!

Craptors-Celtics: Jamaal Magloire skated his way into another ledger appearance, bricking, fouling, and losing the rock once each in 5:27 for a +3 and a 2:0 Voskuhl!

Grizzlies-Hornets: DaJuan Summers tossed a brick in 5:13 to earn New Orleans a +1.

Pistons-Wolves: Austin Daye brightened up his Game Boy's LCD screen in 31 seconds for a Mario!

Pacers-Kings: Jimmer Fredette went quadruple on bricks (once from the Esquire Grill!) and added a foul and turnover for a +6 in 6:09!!!

Mavs-Clippers: Solomon Jones can now underpay people as much as owner Donald Sterling does, after a celebratory 3.5 trillion (210 seconds).

Bawful After Dark: January 18, 2012

2012-01-18T16:39:00.002-06:00

Either VDN is expressing anger, or doing the whitest dance known to man

Everyone, we are on Basketbawful red alert: EDDY CURRY MIGHT PLAY TOMORROW NIGHT. I don't know about you, but I am downright giddy.

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

"Coaching cliché! Another coaching cliché! Hand down, man down! Mama there goes that man! I have no idea what I'm doing!"

Little known fact: Kevin McHale can unhinge his jaw like a snake when eating large animals or yelling at his team

The NBA is looking more and more like an antidepressant medication ad every day

Nationally Televised Games:

Trail Blazers at Hawks, ESPN, 8:00pm: Portland is another one of those teams who is great at home and not so great on the road. But the Hawks are also one of the most bipolar teams imaginable. Why am I wasting my time trying to preview this game? I could be talking about more interesting things like...

Mavericks at Clippers, ESPN, 10:30pm: ...The reinvigorated Clippers who have thrived since acquiring Chris Paul!

Wait -- what's that? Chris Paul is banged up? The Clips are on a back-to-back-to-back?? And they're playing a defensively-strong Mavs team???

Uh oh.

Lob City? More like Sob City, amiright?

All The Other Games:

Spurs at Magic, 7:00pm: Here is the best perspective I've found on the importance of this game for the Spurs: "Dating to last season and including three playoff defeats at Memphis, the Spurs have lost their last 10 games away from home. They haven't endured a longer road losing streak since dropping 22 straight Feb. 4-Nov. 14, 1989, two years before current starting guard Kawhi Leonard was born." The Spurs dynasty is in the grave and a loss here would essentially be the last few shovels of dirt on top of the casket.

Nuggets at 76ers, 7:00pm: It's pretty obvious the Sixers are legit this year. But one of the best perspectives I have seen so far is their average points per game is a full 15 points higher than their average points allowed. No other team's points differential is in double digits.

Thunder at ~~Wizards~~ Generals, 7:00pm: The Generals, on the other hand, are dead last in points differential at -11.9 per game. Yeeeeouch.

Also, I'm just going to put this here... Top Five JaVale McGee NBA Dunk Fails.

Craptors at Celtics, 7:30pm: I get the feeling this game is going to be the NBA equivalent of this video:

You know, I feel bad about laughing at this, but I keep laughing at it anyway

Warriors at Nyets, 7:30pm: And the Nyets have yet to win a home game this season. Could they have already won their last game in New Jersey??

Suns at Knicks, 7:30pm: I know Bawful already addressed the Suns' defensive woes in the WOTN, but I'd like to hammer the point home with this stat: Phoenix has averaged 106 points against during their five-game losing streak. That is just staggeringly bad. I'm feeling light-headed just thinking about it. I need a sip of water or something.

Grizzlies at Hornets, 8:00pm: I am fully aware the Hornets are pretty terrible. But have you seen the Grizzlies on the road lately? They're averaging 80 freaking points per game on the road, people! Do they get confused and shoot at the wrong basket half the time whenever they're not at home in familiar surroundings?

Pistons at Timberwolves, 8:00pm: So Kevin Love hasn't accepted an extension with the Timberwolves yet. When asked why, he responded "I don't know the answer to that." FYI, that's code for "BECAUSE THEY'RE THE EFFING TIMBERWOLVES!"

Pacers at Kings, 10:00pm: Excremento is still shooting under 40% from the field for the season. I'm pretty sure they are going to start handing out free earplugs to every fan at the gate to help drown out all the noise of clanking iron.

Worst of the Night: January 17, 2012

2012-01-18T09:03:00.002-06:00

The Phoenix Suns: Spiderman's balls! The Suns played some of the worst defense ever last night. No, really. I know I like to use hyperbole, but this is not hyperbolic in the least. I've seen more hands in faces at an amputee convention.

The Bulls got whatever they wanted whenever they wanted it. I mean, 118 points on 53.5 percent shooting is crazy, especially considering the extended garbage time. And check out these advanced stats: Their Offensive Rebounding Rate was 27.9 and their Free Throw Rate was 27.3.

So, basically, the Bullies either a) hit the shot, b) rebounded their miss, or c) got fouled.

Chicago scored a season-high 39 points in the first quarter and finished the first half with a season-best 67 points.

And boy oh boy was the ball moving. The Bulls ended up with 31 assists on 47 made baskets. With only 6 turnovers!

Said Carlos Boozer: "We're a very unselfish team. We had a meeting earlier this season saying guys were too unselfish and passing up open shots. We know when we have 20-plus assists we're moving the ball well and most games we have that."

Speaking of Boozer, he played like he was in NBA2K with the Difficulty Level set to "Rookie." Booz finished with a season-high 31 points on ridiculous 14-for-21 shooting.

C.J. Watson played like an All-Star: 33 minutes, 23 points, 8-for-12 from the field, 3-for-3 from downtown, 4-for-4 from the line, 5 assists, 4 rebounds, 2 steals and zero turnovers.

Joakim Noah finally played, well, the way Bulls fans have been waiting for him to play, finishing with 13 points (6-for-10), 12 boards, 3 assists and a steal. He also tied Boozer with a game-high plus-minus score of +24.

Oh, and Rip Hamilton returned to the starting lineup, contributing 11 points and 6 assists in 21 minutes.

Said Boozer: "We came out with a great sense of focus. For us, we wanted to get back out there and play after playing so poorly last night."

Added Bulls coach Tom Thibodeau: "I thought it was great. We had a lot of guys play well."

No kidding. Thanks, Phoenix Suns defense!

The Cleveland Cadavers: The Warriors were able to survive a lousy shooting night from "Moped" Ellis (2-for-12) thanks to the exceedingly giving nature of the Cadavers...who gifted the Golden Staters with an extra 23 points by committing a season-worst 25 turnovers.

Kyrie Irving, who bumbled the ball away a game-high 6 times, said: "It was just carelessness. ... Turnovers happened at the wrong times. It was turnover, turnover, turnover."

In the Cadavers' defense, this was the final game of their seven-game road trip. But credit Cleveland coach Byron Scott for taking a dump on the excuses: "I don't buy that. It was Golden State's fourth game in five nights. So that's a bunch of bull. That's an excuse and that's something we're not going to tolerate. We lost the game because we were terrible on the offensive end as far as turning the ball over. Period."

Very true.

The Charlotte Bobcats: The Bobcraps were mauled by Dwight Howard (25 points, 11-for-18, 17 rebounds), gave up 50 points in the paint, and got a taste of Clutch City in the fourth quarter by Von Wafer of all people.

But, like the Cadavers, Charlotte was undone by their 18 turnovers and the 19 points they gave up off those turnovers.

Said an oddly hopeful Bobcraps coach Paul Silas: "We threw the ball away too much. ... But we hung in there. We're just not there yet, but we're getting there."

In possibly unrelated news, Charlotte is now 3-12.

Tyrus "Jump Shot" Thomas: Nights like last night remind me why the Bulls gave up on this guy. He went 2-for-12 from the field, including 0-for-4 from 16-23 feet, a zone from which an athletic seven-footer like him should not be shooting. Of course, he was also only 1-for-3 at the rim and 0-fof-1 from 3-3 feet, so...

By the way, Ty is converting 37 percent of his shots this season. He's averaging 1.3 attempts at the rim and 3.4 shots from 16-23 feet.

The San Antonio Spurs: How do turn a 17-point lead into a 28-point deficit and a 120-98 loss? Just ask the Spurs. That's what happened to them in Miami last night. And the defeat extended San Antonio's two perfect records:

9-0 at home and 0-5 on the road.

Said Spurs coach Greg Popovich: "We're really good at home and on the road, we suck. That's the biggest difference."

The biggest difference in last night's game was the third quarter, which was historically bawful for San Antonio. From the AP recap:

"Miami outscored San Antonio 39-12 in the third quarter -- matching the second-largest differential for any quarter in Heat history, and matching the second-worst differential for a period in Spurs history, according to STATS LLC. James was 7 for 9 in the third quarter. The Spurs -- combined -- were 4 for 19."

Hell, in the second half, the Spurs (35 points) were outscored by LeBron, Chris Bosh, and Mike Miller (47 points on 19-for-24 from the field and 9-for-11 from downtown). Miller went 6-for-6 from three-point range.

Said Tony Parker: "There's not much you can do. [LeBron] was on fire in the third quarter. He's coming in on fast breaks and shooting threes. There is no defense against that."

So...now the Heat are now 4-0 without Dwyane Wade and 5-4 with him. And LeBron sure looks more comfortable playing as The Undisputed Man on the team. It makes you wonder if Pat Riley shouldn't try to flip Wade for a more compatible piece. Dwight Howard, maybe?

Oh, God. What am I saying? Blleeearrrgh!!

The Detroit Pistons: The Rockets were playing their fourth game in five nights, so they should have been exhausted, right?

Yeah. So tired they pounded Detroit by 17 points and Houston coach Kevin McHale was able to sit his starters for the fourth quarter.

But, hey, the Pistons could have been in the game if they hadn't given up 17 offensive rebounds and committed 20 turnovers.

Said Detroit coach Lawrence Frank: "We pieced together about 38 good minutes. We have to defend, rebound and keep down our turnovers. We did parts of those things, at times."

If only doing parts of things at times could be enough.

Samual Dalembert, quote machine: "At some point, there's back and forth, you start to get a little fatigued a little bit. And then you just say, 'Hey.' You tell yourself you keep lying to those legs. You lie to them. You say, 'Hey, you have five more minutes.'"

The Milwaukee Bucks: There was a brew of bawful going on in Milwaukee last night. The Bucks turned the ball over 19 times for 25 points going the other way. They bricked 16 of their 23 three-point attempts and shot 41 percent as a team. Andrew Bogut and Stephen Jackson combined for 4 points on 1-for-11 shooting. And Milwaukee had no answer for Corey Brewer, who came off the Denver bench and blew up for a season-high 22 points on 8-for-14 shooting.

Said Bucks coach Scott Skiles. "That's it. That is fucking it. I'm going to kill somebody. I am deadly serious. I will kill them, dismember the body, and hide it in my crawl space. Jesus H. Christ."

I'm kidding. Skiles actually said: "Kill me. Please. Kill me. Make the pain stop."

The Los Angeles Clippers: Well now. Last night's 108-79 loss in Utah proved one thing for certain: Without Chris Paul, the Clippers are who we thought they were. Horrific defensive effort all around. The Other L.A. Team was -20 in the paint. The Jazz were 19-for-25 at the rim and had eight dunks...including five alley-oops.

On the other side of the court, the Clips shot 36 percent and went 4-for-20 from beyond the arc. All in all, it was the kind of lifeless performance Clippers fans have been experiences since, well, pretty much forever.

Said Blake Griffin: "From beginning to end, we just didn't have the energy. It was ugly. At the same time, they did the things they wanted to do."

Chris' Lacktion Ledger:

Bobcats-Magic: Matt Carroll made a wonderful brick and foul in 132 seconds for a +2.

Spurs-Heat: Tiago Splitter divided his 10:26 stint between productivity (100% from the field!) and mediocrity (four fouls and four turnovers) for an 8:4 Voskuhl.

Meanwhile, South Beach's Terrel Harris lost the rock once and fouled thricely for a +4 in 7:55.

Nuggets-Bucks: Jon Brockman gathered one board in 8:41, only to brick it, take a foul, and lose the rock once each for a 2:1 Voskuhl.

Pistons-Rockets: Vernon Macklin made his mark with a 73 second jackpot worth 1.2 trillion!

Bawful After Dark: January 17, 2012

2012-01-17T16:28:00.006-06:00

"Note to self: no more Atomic Warheads during games"

I know I just said last week that I won't be able to write BAD posts on Tuesdays this season, but today's an exception. I was able to get everything ready to go well in advance thanks to a three day weekend and a bit of insomnia. You're welcome.

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

"No! Please! Don't go!"

"Sorry, Dirk, I have to go to work..."

I don't have a caption for this. I just know that for some reason Kevin McHale's expression here makes me smile.

Kobe smiles after finishing an invisible harmonica solo

This is a truly rare moment -- a Buck scores a basket

Nationally Televised Games:

Spurs at Heat, NBA TV, 7:30pm: No Wade. No Manu. I'm sick and tired of the injuries this year already. I want to see quality basketball from the best players in the world, not quality sideline-sitting in street clothes.

All The Other Games:

Warriors at Cavaliers, 7:00pm: The good news? The Cavaliers are finally done with their longest road trip of the season. The bad news? That means they have to return to Cleveland.

I never get tired of this

Bobcraps at Magic, 7:00pm: The Bobcraps are dead last in the league in points allowed per game. Surprised = nobody.

Suns at Bulls, 8:00pm: Here's a statistic that made my jaw drop: Chicago has given up just 66.8 points per game at home. They have had five straight home games where they've held their opponent to under 75 points. I can't even make a joke. I'm too busy being in awe.

Pistons at Rockets, 8:00pm: It's pretty depressing to see the Pistons are averaging only 85.4 points per game. But look on the bright side, Pistons fans. There is one team worse on offense than you! Thanks, Washington.

Nuggets at Bucks, 8:00pm: I would like to once again point out. The Bucks are undefeated at home (4-0). They are perfectly defeated (0-8) on the road. Is there some obscure team rule that requires all players to wear oven mitts on their hands at all times during road games or something?

Clippers at Jazz, 9:00pm: I know this isn't the same Clippers team we are used to seeing for years and years. But still. At what point during the season will I stop being confused when I see a winning record next to the Clippers' name?

Worst of MLK Jr. Day

2012-01-17T08:18:00.006-06:00

The Chicago Bulls: Beware of revenge games.

Remember: The Bulls beat the Grizzlies by 40 points on New Years Day. The Memphis players weren't going to forget that. No way. No how.

And before the game, Mike Conley made sure of it: "I said, 'Let's not forget what happened. That was the last thing I said to them: 'That was an embarrassing loss. Let's go out there and just play hard and leave it all out there on the court.' I thought guys really took that to heart, especially in the first 6-7 minutes of the game."

They sure did. And the Rose-less Bulls weren't ready for it.

Said Luol Deng: "I don't think we did a good job mentally preparing for them. We should have been ready for that. We should have known that anytime you beat a team like that in the NBA, next time, they can't wait to see you. We should have been more prepared."

No kidding.

The numbers are as ugly as the bugs you find under a rock.

The Bulls rank first in Opponents PPG (85.0) and second in both Points Per Shot (1.03) and Opponents Adjusted Field Goal Percentage (.443). But the Grizzlies finished with 102 points on 54 percent shooting.

The Bulls lead the league in rebounds per game (46.6) and, more importantly, rebound differential (+8.2). But Memphis won the rebounding battle 46-34. And the Grizzlies' Offensive Rebounding Rate was unbelievable 41.7.

Memphis scored 62 points in the paint and converted Chicago's 19 turnovers into 26 points going the other way.

The New York Bricks: Just last week, everybody was praising New York's out-of-nowhere improved defensive performances. Well, whatever nowhere that defense came from, it returned there last night as Orlando's Ryan Anderson torched the Brickerbockers with seven three-pointers en route to a career-high 30 points.

Even worse, New York's offense is looking sadder than a shriveled testicle. New The Bricks -- playing at home by the way -- managed a meager 93 points on 41 percent shooting while going only 5-for-20 from downtown.

Said Carmelo Anthony: "We're not making no shots right now. It seems like we can't shoot the ball in the ocean right now. Everybody. We get stops and then at the other end we can't score the basketball. I don't know what is it. We've just got to get out of that shooting slump. We've got to start making shots and it makes it easy on the defensive end. We are playing defense but when you can't score the basketball it makes it hard."

Playing defense? The Magic drilled 17 threes, 'Melo. And, again, Ryan Anderson had a career-high 30 points. Plus J.J. Redick had 21. When was the last time two players that pasty combined for 50+ points?

As always, just sayin'.

The Milwaukee Bucks: Huh. 82 points in a double-digit road loss. Yep. Those are the Bucks I know and hate to watch on live TV. It's like a double-fisted punch to both eyes. Every second of their dreadful molasses-like offense feels like two minutes of fear and shame. They scar my heart, but I digress.

The Deer In The Headlights fell to 0-8 on the road despite Andrew Bogut's double-double (20 points and 11 rebounds).

Said Milwaukee coach Scott Skiles: "It's not hard finding a guy to play well. We've got to find multiple guys to play well."

I've seen your lineup, Scott. You don't have multiple guys who can play well.

The Washington ~~Wizards~~ Generals: Another double-digit home loss for the Generals, who dropped to an NBA-worst 1-12, including 1-6 at the Verizon Center. The fact that they only managed 16 assists on 39 made baskets says a lot. And so does this...

JaVale McGee: When your team is 1-12, you probably shouldn't be pulling shenanigans like this:

And McGee's coach sure didn't think so.

Said Flip Saunders: "That's unacceptable. Maybe I'm too old school. Save that for the All-Star game. We have some players that look for highlights instead of substance."

In related news, JaVale spent the last nine minutes of the game scrubbing the bench with his booty.

Said McGee: "Apparently if you get a fast break and throw it off the backboard in the third quarter and you're 1-11, you're not supposed to do stuff like that. I feel like I was trying to get the team hyped and make a good play. I felt like we did that -- and we went on a run there."

As the AP recap points out, Washington's run didn't start until the fourth quarter...when McGee was sucking down Gatorade on the sidelines.

That hotdogging dunk wasn't McGee's only lowlight...

The Charlotte Bobcats: It seems fitting that, after Michael Jordan spent his legendary career tormenting Cleveland, the Cadavers spanked MJ's Bobkitten's at their own place last night. Charlotte shot 29 percent in the second half and bricked 12 free throws on the night.

Said Gerald Henderson: "It was a tough one because we did come out with energy in the first half. You need to continue that at the start of the third quarter and we didn't have that great of a third and quarter and that led into the fourth. And we just couldn't come up with the plays."

The Bobkittens are now 3-11.

The New Orleans Hornets: Make it 3-10 now. And 1-6 at home.

Hey, at least Mardi Gras is only a month away. I'll be there. Anybody else? If so, I'll see you at Razzoo or Cat's Meow. Or possibly face down and unmoving in a pile of street trash.

Said Hornets coach Monty Williams: "We've hit a funk. There's no denying that. But you have to continue to compete. We get to play basketball and we get paid. ... A lot of people would love to have our problems. ... You've got to keep fighting and value your occupation and take it seriously."

Added Chris Kaman: "We've all got to look in the mirror and see where we need to step up. It's definitely tough. We've been doing a good job defensively so that's all you can ask for. We've got to get better with our offense and do a better job taking care of the basketball."

Related stats: 19 turnovers and 0-for-9 from beyond the arc. Oh, and seven missed free throws in a seven-point loss.

The New Jersey Nyets: Remember: The Nyets are on Dwight Howard's "Trade me!" wish list while the Bulls are not. Good call, Dwight. Although I wonder if that's still the case after the Clippers -- sans Chris Paul (bad hammy) -- sunk New Jersey to 3-11 on the season.

Yes, the Nyets came back from 18 down to tie it up in the fourth, but they lost. To the Clippers. Without Chris Paul.

The script has flipped. Now, even with Deron Williams, it's the Nyets who are who we thought they were.

Speaking of which, this little nugget comes from the game notes of the AP recap: "The Nets are exactly 100 games under .500 (39-139) since the beginning of the 2009-10 season, when they got off to an NBA record-worst 0-18 start."

Ouch.

Blake Griffin, unintentionally dirty quote machine: "We did a good job of pulling it out."

Avery Johnson, unintentionally dirty quote machine: "Blake Griffin is just a handful in so many ways."

The Toronto Craptors: They suck. Blah, blah, blah. Oh, and they were missing Andrea Bargnani and James Johnson. Blah, blah, blah.

Said Craptors coach Dwane Casey: "It sounds like a broken record, but I thought our guys competed. We're truly missing our players, but that's no excuse. There's only so much you can ask for from certain players. That's not their role."

No excuses. But, wait, excuses.

Added Jose Calderon: "I don't want to make excuses, but we're a young team and we have a new coach. Maybe we need some practice. Hopefully we can get on the same page. Sometimes we turn the ball over because we're trying to do too much."

No excuses. But, wait, more excuses.

(By the way, it's hard to make non-excuses when facing a Hawks team that's missing Al Horford and Joe Johnson.)

The Boston Celtics: The Celtics hung in and fought the good fight, but they lost at home to the Thunder anyway, dropping to 4-8 on the season and suffering their first five-game losing streak of the Allen/Garnett/Pierce era.

Adding insult to injury, this game put last season's trading away of Kendrick Perkins under the microscope again. Remember: Perk was traded for Nenad Krstic (playing overseas) and Jeff Green (off the team)...which means he was given away for absolutely nothing. Which was precisely what Danny Ainge had been trying to avoid by trading him.

Now the Celtics can't rebound. Or win.

Said Paul Pierce: "None of us likes to lose; that's the frustrating part. I think I like where we are headed, there are just little things that are really killing us."

The little things? Like shooting 39 percent? Committing 19 turnovers? KG looking like he aged 85 years during the lockout? Seriously, if Garnett could still jump, I'd have expect him to explode into dust on landing. Oh. Right. Maybe that's why he's not jumping anymore.

The Exremento Kings: Last night's double-digit loss to the Minnesota Timberwolves was a sign that the Kings really suck.

As if we needed a sign.

Said Sactown coach Keith Smart: "We've got to grow up. Our team has to grow up fast. ... I've got the simplest offense you can run. You just move it to a spot and move it to the next spot. But for whatever reason we're trying to make the play ourselves with the defense set, looking at the basketball."

Tyreke Evans nearly had a Jason Kidd Triple Double -- 10 points, 9 assists, 8 rebounds -- but committed 5 TOs and shot 3-for-11. And a few times, Ricky Rubio made him look kinda silly.

Said The Freak: "Once we got down, we just tried to take shots we don't usually take. We've got to find a better way to swing the ball a few times and take better shots."

Huh. I didn't think there as a shot Tyreke didn't usually take...

The Dallas Mavericks: They played well enough to potentially pull out this game or at least send it to overtime. But, damn it all, you cannot leave Derek Fisher open for a three. I don't care what his season averages are. Dude hits big shots, especially when left wide open. And Dirk's pathetic non-closeout was the worst. Frankly, the Mavs would have been better letting Kobe jack up a contested jumper than letting Fish get a wide open look.

The ending of the game was the definition of bawful: An ice-cold Vince Carter coming off the bench to launch a godawful three-point brick and injuring himself in the process. That ending could hardly have been more Vince Cartery.

Chris' Lacktion Ledger:

Bulls-Grizzlies: Sam Young bricked it up once in 150 seconds and also took a rejection for a +2 suck differential.

Bucks-Sixers: Darington Hobson went on the hunt for plenty of pennies and ended up with a 2.3 trillion (139 seconds)!

Craptors-Hawks: Jason Collins cut away at a board and two assists in 13:02 with three fouls for a 3:1 Voskuhl, while fellow dirty bird Jannero Pargo fouled and bricked once each in 5:12 for a +2.

Purple Paupers-Wolves: Darko Milicic had another mild night as Minnesota's big man, marring a board with three lost rocks and a foul for a 4:1 Voskuhl in 15:11.

Thunder-Celtics: Greg Stiemsma fouled once in 60 seconds for a +1 and a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl.

Bawful After Dark: MLK Jr Day

2012-01-16T12:52:00.002-06:00

"Ha ha!"

Sorry on Bawful's behalf for the lack of a WOTW post, and sorry on my behalf for getting this BAD post up halfway through the early games. Long weekends always make things weird, you know? I still feel like I should be busting my butt at my Clark Kent job right now. Instead I'm nearly in a food coma from eating too many chicken wings at lunch.

Worst of the Weekend in Pictures:

Avery Johnson would like you to know that his team blows

So, uh... this happened. Go away, Tebow.

/bitter Steelers fan

SCAL SIGHTING!!

When did Paul Silas turn into a zombie?

Okay then.

I cannot find the words to describe the expression Keith Smart is making here...

Hand in the face, in its most literal form

Wait a minute, that sign is silent. Shouldn't it just say "TEXT"?

Nationally Televised Games:

Bulls at Grizzlies, ESPN, 1:00pm: Just a reminder... when these teams met on New Year's Day, the Bulls won by 40 points. Revenge game possibilities here?

Craptors at Hawks, NBA TV, 4:00pm: Yeah... There's a reason this game is on NBA TV instead of ESPN or TNT.

Thunder at Celtics, TNT, 8:00pm: Kendrick Perkins makes his return to Boston! I bet he's starting to feel like it might not be such a bad thing to have gotten away from that aging trainwreck of a team, eh?

Mavericks at Lakers, TNT, 10:30pm: Saturday night, Dallas annhiliated Excremento 99-60, setting a franchise record for fewest points allowed. They held the Purple Paupers to 25.6% shooting. Then again, Excremento doesn't have Kobe Bryant, Andrew Bynum, or Pau Gasol. But then again, the Lakers have Bynum and Gasol but they haven't had to do much lately since Kobe's gone into full ball-hog mode.

All The Other Games:

Magic at Knicks, 1:00pm: The game preview I read at ESPN.com for this mentioned "The Magic (8-3) come to New York as a well-rested team," but they sadly didn't tack on the joke "because everyone just got to stand around while Dwight shot free throws last time they played." This is why we're here, folks. You're welcome.

Bucks at 76ers, 2:00pm: Here's an exchange I had on Facebook yesterday with Basketbawful reader Timmothy Merath:

Tim: Bucks? Not familiar with them... Do they play that game with the orange ball?
Me: The Bucks are present at games where they use the orange ball, but I don't believe they actually play in said games.

Rockets at ~~Wizards~~ Generals, 2:00pm: Wow. Accuscore doesn't think very highly of the Rockets. They project the Generals have a 44% chance of winning this game. I'd like to remind everyone the Rockets are 5-7, while the Generals are 1-11. Just in case you somehow forgot. And if you did forget, how did you manage to log onto the Internet, much less find your way here?

Cavaliers at Bobcraps, 2:00pm: You know, Kyrie Irving might just be kinda sorta good at basketball. Unlike anybody on the Bobcraps.

Trail Blazers at Hornets, 3:00pm: Both of these teams are on three game losing streaks. Accordingly, I will give you three guesses as to which team's losing streak is more of an anomaly. (Wait, three guesses? There's only two teams. I think I need to go back to bed.)

Nyets at Clippers, 3:30pm: The Clips are entering a back-to-back-to-back situation. Not the best of times for Chris Paul to hurt his leg. Then again, they're playing the Nyets at home. Maybe it's not so bad after all?

Kings at Timberwolves, 8:00pm: Ricky Rubio might have a 15 assist game tonight. Just saying.

Bawful After Dark: Weekend Watch

2012-01-13T18:40:00.001-06:00

Odds that Mark Jackson and Monta Ellis are talking about a woman's chest: 15/1

Odds that Mark Jackson is saying something about "hand down, man down": off the board

No time to waste. I'm already getting this online after the early games have started. Oops. Onto the pictures and tomfoolery!

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

Mike D'Antoni, keepin' the pimp hand strong

I don't even play for the Bobcraps and I feel like facepalming too

"Maybe I can run away to Mexico... anything to get away from this team..."

Scalpers' night off?

Nationally Televised Friday Games:

Bulls at Celtics, ESPN, 8:00pm: The latest word is that Derrick Rose DOES plan on playing. If it weren't for Rajon Rondo, he could probably still wear his boot and still play competitively against this team.

Heat at Nuggets, ESPN, 10:30pm: Every single Heat game, I get to look at the Heat's injury report and see Eddy Curry listed as "day-to-day." How many consecutive days can you NOT play and still be considered day-to-day? Can the Heat manage to have him D2D all season? Make it happen.

All The Other Friday Games:

~~Wizards~~ Generals at 76ers, 7:00pm: The Sixers may have ended their winning streak, but they get back to back games against the Generals. Who did they bribe in the NBA front office to get THAT kind of scheduling love?

Pacers at Craptors, 7:00pm: Good news everyone! Andrea Bargnani might have finally started to develop into a talented NBA player. Bad news everyone! He's injured. Get ready for rollerskating craptosaur action in Monday's WOTN.

Pistons at Bobcraps, 7:00pm: It's very possible that this will be the least-watchable game so far this season. Following Ben Swanson's Twitter feed may be the only thing worthwhile about it.

Timberwolves at Hornets, 8:00pm: Ricky Rubio is set to get his first NBA start. Awwwwwww yeaaaaaa.

Kings at Rockets, 8:00pm: Maybe Excremento should fire their coach after every game so they can use the dead coach bounce to win all their games?

Bucks at Mavericks, 8:30pm: At this point I would like to remind everyone that the Bucks are roadkill -- they have yet to win on the road in six tries this year. And that sounds just about right, doesn't it?

Trail Blazers at Spurs, 8:30pm: The Blazers have had success against the Spurs the past year or two, and the Spurs are also a little lacking in defense at the moment. Keep an eye on this one.

Nyets at Suns, 9:00pm: ...Do NOT keep an eye on this one. Not even Steve Nash can save it.

Cavaliers at Lakers, 10:30pm: Here's a nice one for you to ponder: The Cavaliers "are 5-5 this year, but opponents have a .391 winning percentage. Expect regression to the mean soon..."

Nationally Televised Saturday Games:

Lakers at Clippers, NBA TV, 10:30pm: This is pretty much the polar opposite of scalpers' night off.

All The Other Saturday Games:

Timberwolves at Hawks, 7:00pm: Anyone who tries to predict how this game plays out is just wasting his time. Wait, you could say that about ANY Hawks game. Carry on.

Celtics at Pacers, 7:00pm: Both teams will be tired, so shooting might be a little sketchy. The Pacers are a good rebounding team. The Celtics, on the other hand, couldn't snag the ball if they were playing against 8 year old kids.

76ers at ~~Wizards~~ Generals: We really need soccer-style regulation, right? Kick the Generals down into the D-League and call up someone like the Fort Wayne Mad Ants. Is it too late to add that to the collective bargaining agreement?

Warriors at Bobcraps, 7:00pm: DeSagana Diop just missed another shot. Drink!

Craptors at Bulls, 8:00pm: Oh hell.

Trail Blazers at Rockets, 8:00pm: Looking at their schedule, the Blazers haven't had much success on the second night of a back-to-back this season. This might be one to watch.

Knicks at Thunder, 8:00pm: Did you realize Melo is actually ahead of KD right now in points per game? Does KD even care? (And I mean that in a good way)

Hornets at Grizzlies, 8:00pm: Yep, nothing like a New Orleans/Memphis matchup to bring in those fans... *crickets*

Kings at Mavericks, 9:00pm: The Purple Paupers are 30th in the league. Of course they are. They have DeMarcus Cousins on their team.

Nyets at Jazz, 9:00pm: It's a miracle Deron Williams is averaging 8 assists per game. With his supporting cast, I'd be fully behind him if he decided to never, ever pass the ball.

Nationally Televised Sunday Games:

Suns at Spurs, 9:00pm: Damn it, what did I do with that anti-aging formula? We'll need it to make this game legitimately great like we think of Suns/Spurs games being.

All The Other Sunday Games:

Warriors at Pistons, 6:00pm: Sigh. Don't even think about this game. Go do something more constructive with your time, like watch this movie:

You know you're in for a treat when all the character names are just the actors' real first names

By the way, there is a RiffTrax version of that movie featuring some of the guys from MST3K that is well worth your money in my opinion.

Jazz at Nuggets, 8:00pm: A nice Northwest matchup. No jokes here -- this game might be good.

Worst of the Night: January 12, 2012

2012-01-13T07:39:00.006-06:00

Chicago Winter. Definitely Worst of the Night.
The Charlotte Bobkittens: Bought and built by Michael Jordan, the Bobkittens are turrible in the turribliest sense of the word. It's like MJ wanted to handcraft a team crappy enough to rival the pre-CP3/Griffin Clippers, only without the benefit of The Other L.A. Team's historically bawful whimsy.

Mike: Your team makes children cry.

In releted news, Charlotte lost by 30 to the Hawks. The Hawks, by the way, just lost Al Horford for the season due to a torn pectoral muscle in his left shoulder. Yes, that's how manly Horford is. Dude has pecs everywhere. Even in his shoulders.

According to the AP, Horford is a leader on and off the court. Which is the kind of garbage the AP always says when a good player who's not a superstar gets hurt. That way, you know it's a meaningful loss even though the player probably wouldn't have made the All-Star team even if they hadn't gotten busted up.

Anyway, back to the Bobkittens: They're called motions. And this team is going through them.

Said Charlotte ~~coach~~ captive Paul Silas: "We're just kind of giving up now. They just beat us down. They almost got as many offensive rebounds as we got total rebounds. That's difficult to accept."

Silas is correct. Atlanta had 20 offensive boards. The Bobkittens had 30 total. Hell, freaking Vladimir Radmanovic had eight rebounds! And Vlad breaks out in hives every time he grabs a rebound. It was so bad that 37-year-old Jerry Stackhouse threw down a posterizing slam near the end of the game. And I bet you didn't even know Stack was still in the league.

Said Gerald Henderson: "Once we decide it means something to us, we'll get better."

Oh. So it won't be getting any better then.

The Detroit Pistons: And lo', the Free Throw Gods did smile upon last night's Pistons-Bucks game, as the two teams combined to go 41-for-41 from the foul line. According to ESPN Stats and Information:

From Elias: The Pistons were 24-for-24 on free throws on Thursday. The last time the Pistons made that many free throws without a miss in a game was March 12, 1985, when they went 24-for-24 in a 111-110 loss to the Chicago Bulls. That night, they lost to a rookie named Michael Jordan, who made four late free throws of his own to seal a 32-point effort and a win for his team.

The Pistons and Bucks combined to go 41-41 on free throws Thursday. That's an NBA record for most FT made by both teams without a miss. The previous mark was held by the Hawks vs Raptors from Dec. 22, 2000 with just 16!

Alas, free throw perfection is the only perfection the Pistons are liable to experience any time soon. After their 102-93 loss to the Bucks, Detroit fell to 0-5 on the road and 2-9 overall. Even their game tonight in Charlotte doesn't seem winnable.

But don't tell that to their coach.

Said Lawrence Frank: "There are no consolation prizes, but there was a different spirit out there a different fight out there."

For some perspective on the Pistons' fightiness, let's check out the plus-minus scores of Detroit's starting lineup:

Tayshaun Prince (-19)
Jonas Jerebko (-2)
Greg Monroe (-9)
Ben Gordon (-8)
Brandon Knight (-10)

I'm just sayin'.

Bonus stat: The Pistons gave up 24 points off only 16 turnovers.

The New York Bricks: The good news: Their defense held the Grizzlies to only 94 points on 45 percent shooting. The bad news: Their offense scored a season-low 83 points on 37 percent shooting. To go with 18 turnovers. And a 30-11 free throw disadvantage.

Just a bad night all around for the Brickerbockers. Carmelo Anthony missed most of the final 24 minutes due to a sprained ankle. Amar''''''e Stoudemire got benched first due to foul trouble and then due to extreme suckage. STAT finished with only 6 points on 1-for-7 shooting. It was the first time in over 100 games he failed to score at least 10 points.

New York missed eight of their first nine shots and trailed by as many as 25 points.

Said Tyson Chandler: "It was definitely one of those nights where we couldn't get into a rhythm."

Added Bricks coach Mike 'Antoni: "I just thought emotionally we didn't come out with the right mental energy, and they jumped on us. We went back on our heels and tried to resolve the problem one-on-one. It didn't work out, obviously."

Obviously.

And since I'm in the mood for random, here's a video about something that has nothing whatsoever to do with this game or anybody in it: Vince Carter's Top 10 Missed Dunks:

Carmelo Anthony, quote machine: "I've been getting beat up for nine years, so, I'm not worried about getting beat up. I'm going to get through it. I'm living. I'm walking. I'm smiling. I'm hurt, but I'll be all right."

Update! Iman Shumpert: Czernobog: "No mention of Iman Shumpert's 5-20 shooting and 6 TOs?"

Fixed.

Update! Tony Allen: Czernobog continued: "Or Tony allen's bricked layup?"

Fixed. Video submitted by Unknown.

The Phoenix Suns: Bob Dylan once said to cage a wild animal is a sin. Which is why I'm gonna bring this up again: FREE STEVE NASH. He cannot end his career on this crappy crap of a crap team. I don't care if the Suns' medical staff can cure AIDS, cancer and herpes. I don't care if they can bring the dead back to life. That's not a good enough reason to force Nash to suffer through this nightly hell.

The latest ignominy: A 101-90 home loss to the Cleveland Cadavers. And Kyrie Irving (season-high 26 points) straight up made the Suns look silly:

Said Marcin "The Victim of That Highlight" Gortat: "I told him he put me on ESPN with his fancy moves. He's talented. He was really good today. But I didn't help (defensively) on the pick and rolls and he was able to beat Steve."

This was Cleveland's fifth game of a seven-game road trip. But they were still able to shoot down the Suns on their home court. And they scored 90 points. 90! The Suns! They've become the mid-90s Knicks minus the defense and Patrick Ewing's flat top.

The Golden State Warriors and their coach Mark Jackson: I've seen the Hack-a-Whoever strategy get used many times over the years, but last night was without question the worst bastardization of intentional fouling I have ever seen. The Warriors repeatedly fouled Dwight Howard...over and over...sending him to the line an NBA record 39 times. That's right: 39 times.

Howard's previous career-high in FT attempts: 24.

The spectacle was so outragous that Magic coach Stan Van Grump stopped coaching. No, he literally stopped coaching.

Said Van Grumpy: "[During a timeout] I'm looking at [my assistant coaches] like, 'We're not going to run a play. He's going to foul him. What are we going to bother with diagraming a play? Make the free throw, play some defense."

Thanks to the Golden Staters, Howard shattered Wilt Chamberlain's record of 34 free throw attempts set against the the St. Louis Hawks back on February 22, 1962.

I typically joke that somebody always sets a new season or career-high against the Warriors, but this was ridiculous. Even by my own standards of ridiculosity.

But Jackson wasn't making any apologies after the game:

Said The Other MJ: "I can understand people thinking, `Why?' But don't get caught up in the free throws. Think about when we didn't foul him. It was dunks, hooks, at the rim. He's a great player. And he's a bad free throw shooter. Giving ourselves the best chance possible, we tried to mess up their rhythm, take their 3-point shooters out of it, which we did. They made plays."

Riiiiigh. The Warriors did such a good job "taking their 3-point shooters out of it" that Orlando's long-range marksmen went 11-for-23. For lovers of simple math, that's a conversion rate of 47.8 percent. Not exactly lockdown defense.

Said David Lee: "We took a chance and said that we want Dwight to beat us. And he beat us."

For the record, Howard finished with 45 points, 23 rebounds, 4 steals, 3 assists and 2 blocked shots. It was Dwight's first 40/20 game. According to ESPN Stats and Information, he's the only active player to accomplish that feat. According to STATS LLC, it was the first 40/20 game in the NBA since Shaq had 48 points and 20 boards against the Celtics back on March 1, 2003.

Speaking of which, this game kind of underscored the pregame bickering between Shaq and Charles Barkley. Shaq insisted that Chris Webber was correct...that L.A.'s Andrew Bynum was the best center in the league right now. Chuck's argument -- which was correct -- was that Bynum is a good player, Howard is a great one.

This game pretty much settled that debate.

Shaq: The Big Mathematician:

The Big Potty Mouth:

The Big Comedian:

The Big Crossdresser (nominated by Dr. J):

Stan Van Grumpy, quote machine: "A suggestion from one of my assistants was that we do it to Biedrins when he was in the game. We weren't in the penalty. That could have been fun. We could've just walked up and down for a few minutes and see who makes the first free throw. But we could've just saved everybody and said, 'Let's let them shoot it at the same basket."

J.J. Redick, quote machine: On the notoriously poor free-throw-shooting Howard going 21-for-29 at the line: "It's amazing that he made 21."

Dwight Howard, quote machine: "I just tried to be aggressive and get to the line. I didn't care if I missed 30."

Chris' Lacktion Report:

Bobcats-Hawks: Jason Collins went crazy for cash by garnering a 2.95 trillion (2:58) for the Dirty Birds!

Pistons-Bucks: Will "The Other" Bynum had three seconds of squirrel suit time in a SUPER MARIO!

Milwaukee's Drew Gooden fouled thricely in 4:58, earning both a +3 suck differential and a 3:0 Voskuhl! Fellow deer Darrington Hobson had seven seconds to chase down Goombas in a Super Mario!

Knicks-Grizzlies: Josh Davis had an exact 2.9 trillion for Memphis (2:54) and in that same timespan, Jannero Pargo bricked once and took a rejection for a +2.

Cavs-Suns: Semih Erden made two boards irrelevant by one turnover and a foulout in 12:07 for a 7:2 Voskuhl.

Magic-Warriors: Earl Clark crunched a board in 52 seconds, not long enough to escape the 8-bit world in a non-lacktive Mario!

For Team Kwame Brown, Jeremy Tyler fouled once in 72 seconds for a +1 and a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl! And Ekpe Udoh countered two boards and a free throw in 14:32 with five fouls for a 5:3 Voskuhl.

Bawful After Dark: January 12, 2012

2012-01-12T17:34:00.000-06:00

I knew they both went to the same college, but I guess they're closer than I thought

Some good news for you today. Andrei Kirilenko is interested in coming back to the NBA next season. That's great news -- we're a little short on our quota of ugly guys with awesome nicknames.

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

Everything you need to know about the Generals/Bulls game summed up in one picture

Jermaine O'Neal tries to do us all a favor. Also, LL Cool J approves.

Heh.

Nationally Televised Games:

Knicks at Grizzlies, TNT, 8:00pm: A Mike D'Antoni team has been playing something resembling defense lately? Did I wake up in an episode of the Twilight Zone again?

Magic at Warriors, TNT, 10:30pm: Kwame Brown is out for at least three months with a torn pectoral muscle. The Warriors are doomed!

DOOOOOOOOOOOOOMED

A few thoughts. First, of course he hurt himself fouling. Now, obviously, their only hope now is to sign Greg Ostertag to replace him. (My fingers are crossed so hard, you guys) And finally Trey Kerby made, in my opinion, the greatest possible joke about this situation: "Did you know -- Kwame Brown tore his pectoral muscle patting himself on the back for how great his post defense is in practice."

All The Other Games:

Bobcraps at Hawks, 7:30pm: Al Horford is out for at least three months with a torn pectoral muscle. Wait, didn't I just type that? (looks up) Yes, Al Horford has a similar injury to Kwame. Let's hope the similarities end there. Anyway, the Hawks just got even more Hawksy.

Pistons at Bucks, 8:00pm: Who's ready for a shootout??? Neither of these teams! The final score has to be something like 78-75, right?

Cavaliers at Suns, 9:00pm: Cleveland's seven-game road trip continues. A nice little stat: Antawn Jamison has lost eight consecutive games against the Suns. However, to be fair the first six of those were while he was with Washington, so those probably shouldn't count.

Worst of the Night: January 11, 2012

2012-01-12T07:35:00.003-06:00

The Washington ~~Wizards~~ Generals: This was a textbook definition of Scalper's Night Off in Chicago. The Generals entered the game 1-8. The Bulls were without Derrick Rose (toe)...not to mention starting SG Rip Hamilton (groin) and backup PG C.J. Watson (elbow). That forced Chicago coach Tom Thibodeau to squeeze nearly 48 minutes out of third-string point guard John Lucas III.

The result? Not only did Lucas chuck up a Kobesque 28 shot attempts, he finished shockingly close to a triple-double (25 points, 8 rebounds, 8 assists) while thoroughly outplaying John "Everybody Said I Was Gonna Be Better Than Derrick Rose" Wall (11 points, 4-for-13, 8 assists, 5 boards). The Bulls ended up winning 78-64.

It helped that this Generals team is trash. They're 1-9 for a reason, folks. Washington shot 31 percent and displayed an offense that would make the Bucks throw up in their own mouths.

During the ESPN Daily Dime Live chat, I asked the following question with about four minutes to go:

"Fact or Fiction: The Wizards will reach 70 points."

Turned out to be fiction. Washington never scored again.

I repeat: The Bulls played their third-string point guard 46+ minutes and won.

By 14 points!

Kyle Korver, quote machine: Before the game, we all thought he'd get 20 (points). We didn't know he'd shoot 28."

Flip Saunders, quote machine: "It's very unusual when the backup point guard gets 28 shots."

John Lucas III, quote machine: "Coach (Tom) Thibodeau was telling me to stay aggressive, don't back off and don't stop shooting. He kept telling me if, 'I'm open, shoot it. If I'm open, shoot it.' I felt like I was shooting too much and then he got on me for not shooting the times I was open."

Huh. I don't remember Lucas passing up a shot last night. Maybe I blinked or sneezed or something.

The Bulls' equipment manager: I guess the BEM doesn't think Mike James has made a name for himself in the NBA. BA DA BUMP! (H/T chris)

A literal nobody.
The Atlanta Hawks: The Hawks were in typical Hawksy form last night. Remember, the Hawks and Warriors are the only teams in this short season that have beaten both the Bulls and Heat. Of course, Atlanta has also lost at home to Miami's reserves and on the road to the 3-7 Rockets. So the only thing we really know about this team is that we know nothing about this team.

In keeping with that, the Dirty Birds got blown out by the Pacers in Indy. Atlanta shot 37 percent, committed 18 turnovers, scored only 9 points in the third quarter, and trailed by as many as 24 points before losing 96-84.

Said Hawks coach Larry Drew: "We did everything wrong. turned the ball over, we missed layups, we missed blockout assignments. Everything that could have gone wrong went wrong in the third quarter. It seemed like we just hit a wall after that."

According to Hoopdata, the Hawks missed 14 shots at the rim, but the Pacers missed 13 from that distance. So, uhm, I don't think it was the missed layups, Larry.

I've actually noticed that trend lately: Losing teams almost always cite missed layups among the reasons they lost. We'll have to keep an eye on that...

The Toronto Craptors: The most exciting news about this team is that the Autocorrect feature on Dan B.'s phone now automatically capitalizes "Craptors."

One night after getting blown out by the previously winless ~~Wizards~~ Generals, the Craptosaurs lost at home to the Purple Paupers. The same Paupers who had lost two straight and four of their last five games.

It was Sacramento's first road win of the season.

And it's not like the Kings played great or anything. They shot 37 percent, went 7-for-24 from three-point land, and committed 18 turnovers.

But that was enough to beat the Craptors in Toronto.

The Philadelphia 76ers: Philly's six-game win streak made the Sixers the hottest team in the league. Until the Knicks' defense cooled them down!

That's actually not a typo.

New York's D limited the Sixers to 79 points on 39 percent shooting (including 3-for-15 on threes). Of course, the Philly players and coaching staff won't make excuses. Or...will they?

Said Elton Brand: "Only excuse that we have is that they had a little bit of time to prepare for us. They took us out of our sets. We're not going to blame the schedule or anything like that. Every team has a tough schedule this season and you have to give them credit. They outplayed us when it counted."

Added Doug Collins: "I was really proud of our guys tonight. Five games in six nights, three in a row. Battle, battle, battle."

Translation: It's not the schedule. But it's the schedule.

The Boston Celtics: They could have won or forced OT if they could have played five seconds worth of defense on Dirk Nowitzki. But they could not.

Rick Carlisle: He had a pretty sweet ejection last night:

Said Carlisle: "It's my opinion, but Kevin Garnett shouldn't be allowed to bear hug Dirk coming off the screen. I wanted to make my point. If it costs me a few thousand dollars so be it."

Dude, that's KG's game, man.

The Houston Rockets: The good news: They managed to force OT. The bad news: They went 2-for-10 in OT and lost 101-95.

And Tim "Oh God my knees...my knees!" Duncan even got out on the break and dunked on them. This might be the last fast break flush of TD's career. Let's watch:

The New Jersey Nyets: Let's see: The Nyets shot 51 percent from the field, went an incredible 20-for-35 from downtown and scored 115 points.

And lost.

That's because they let the Nuggets ring up 123 points on 60 percent shooting. Denver finished with 37 assists on 44 buckets.

Screamed New Jersey coach Avery Johnson: "PRETTY GOOD OFFENSE FOR OUR TEAM. ANY TIME WE SCORE 115 POINTS, YOU WOULD THINK IT WAS GOING TO BE A WIN. WE JUST COULDN'T GET ANY STOPS DEFENSIVELY."

The Utah Jazz: So close. Yet so far.

Said Gordon Hayward: "The clock's winding down, a final scramble and we didn't know what was going on. There were 8 seconds left, so I got to make a play. Maybe I could have shot a 1-2 pullup, but I thought it was the right play, the right pass. We got a good look. Bynum just made a good play."

Kobe Bryant, quote machine: On passing to Pau Gasol for a critical three-pointer: "Pau's been shooting them well in practice and Coach has been urging me to trust him at the 3-point line. I thought about passing it to him, it seemed like an eternity. But I said, 'What the hell.' You think Tebow prays? When that ball left his hand, I must have said 30 Hail Mary's."

The Miami cHeat: Well...the cHeat lost in OT to the Clippers last night. And it would be easy to blame the foul shooting. And boy was it foul. As a team, Miami bricked 14 freebies. LeBron missed eight by himself and went 6-for-10 from the line in the final 5:49 of the fourth quarter.

Said King Crab: "We missed 14 free throws and eight of them came from me. I've been shooting the ball particularly well from the free throw line, but tonight I didn't make enough. So I put our free throw shooting on me. It's kind of a rhythm when it trickles down to everybody else, so I've got to concentrate a little more and knock them down when I get fouled."

Added Dwyane Wade: "You never want to lose, but no team ever goes undefeated. We just move on from the frustration we have. We haven't missed this many free throws as a team probably ever...you know it will average out."

There was also some serious clutch fail by the Nazgul. LeBron, Wade and Chris Bosh combined to shoot 3-for-8 in the fourth quarter and then went 0-for-7 in OT. The only Miami player to score during the extra session was Mario Chalmers.

In fact, let's break down the many fails in Miami's fourth quarter fail bucket:

With 5:48 left and the Heat trailing 80-78, LeBron bricks one of two free throws.

With 5:16 left and the Heat trailing 80-79, Wade clanks a 20-footer.

With 4:54 left and the Heat trailing 80-79, Wade misses one of two foul shots.

With 3:40 left and the Heat trailing 83-82, Bosh misses from seven feet.

With 3:13 left and the Heat trailing 83-82, Bosh is called for traveling.

With 2:44 left and the Heat trailing 83-82, LeBron misses a layup.

With 2:15 left and the Heat trailing 83-82, LeBron commits an offensive foul.

With 2:00 left and the Heat trailing 83-82, Bosh goes 1-for-2 at the line.

With 1:21 left and the game tied at 83-83, LeBron goes 1-for-2 from the line.

With 33 seconds left and the Heat leading 84-83, LeBron misses a 20-footer.

With 16 seconds left and the Heat trailing 86-85, LeBron goes 1-for-2 at the line.

With 05 seconds left and the Heat trailing 86-85, LeBron goes 1-for-2 at the line.

And now the overtime "offense":

Wade missed jumper.

LeBron missed seven-footer.

LeBron turnover.

LeBron missed nine-footer.

Chalmers missed three-pointer.

LeBron missed layup.

Wade missed three-poitner.

Chalmers made three-pointer.

Bosh missed four-footer (blocked by DeAndre Jordan)

Chalmers missed three-pointer.

Dwyane Wade missed three-pointer.

According to ESPN Stats and Info, the cHeat rank second-worst in the category of Lowest FGP With Less Than 24 Seconds Left And the Score Within Three (35.7 percent). They rank ahead of only the T-Wolves (33.3 percent) and worse than the Bucks (36.4), Clippers (37.0) and Rockets (37.5).

(Chris: And hey, LeBum and #LeChoke trended worldwide too, as I noted.)

Dwyane Wade, quote machine: "A lot of times we were able to get LeBron to the rim and that's what we wanted. It's not always going to go in, but we can leave here with our heads up high, knowing that we stuck to our game plan. We just didn't get the win."

LeBron James, quote machine: "We defended and gave ourselves a chance to win, and that's all you can ask for. So we can be satisfied. I mean, you don't like to lose, but we're not going to hang our heads about this one."

Chris' Lacktion Report:

Kings-Craptors: WHAT? CELEBRATORY LACKTION ON THE ROAD FOR THE PURPLE PAUPERS, WHO WON THEIR FIRST ROAD GAME IN CANADA SINCE 2004!??!

Well...

Jason Thompson nullified one assist with a foul and brick in 6:31 for a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl!

Mavs-Celtics: Chris Wilcox chipped in one brick to give Boston a +1 suck differential in 2:51.

Generals-Bulls: Jimmy Butler can now afford 1.5 trillion worth of steaks after 90 sedate seconds, while Brian Scalabrine and Mike James were Mario Brothers at 57 and 40 seconds respectively, James (who apparently had a NAMELESS JERSEY after joining the team SIX HOURS PRIOR) also bricking once for a +1!

Nyets-Nuggets: Jordan Williams panned for gold for a good 86 seconds, earning himself a 1.4 trillion in rubles!

Lakers-Jazz: Even in overtime, great wealth can be acquired, as Devin Ebanks discovered tonight: a full 9.3 trillion (9:19) for one of THE largest hardwood financial rewards in years!!!!!

Magic-Frail Blazers: Portland's Craig Smith bricked and fouled once in 160 seconds for a +2.

Bawful After Dark: January 11, 2012

2012-01-11T17:45:00.000-06:00

"Woah, Marcin! This is kind of the opposite of what I'm used to..."

A quick bit of housekeeping. I mentioned this in the comments on my previous BAD post, but for anyone who didn't see it... My schedule isn't very cooperative on Tuesdays this season, so don't expect any BAD posts from me on those nights. All the other usual nights are still good-to-go however, so you can continue to expect almost all of your usual dose of my really lame action movie references, Caddyshack quotes, and "I can't think of anything funny to say here, so I'll just say something really sarcastic" lines.

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

Yep, that's a Sad Excremento Bench shot if I've ever seen one

You... you mean that our score up there being higher than the other team's... means we won a game??

"You don't have a clue what you're doing, do you?"

"No. No, Chris, I don't."

Nice to see some people still dig The Bangles

Nationally Televised Games:
Mavericks at Celtics, ESPN, 8:00pm: A battle of .500 teams! Wait, what?

Heat at Clippers, ESPN, 10:30pm: Sorry, can't concentrate on this game. I'm still too giddy after last night's fourth quarter Heat meltdown.

All The Other Games:
Hawks at Pacers, 7:00pm: The Hawks have gone crazy and shot 55.3 percent from the field over their past two games. After watching a few Hawks games this season, I have absolutely no explanation for this and am frankly dumbfounded.

Kings at Craptors, 7:00pm: Ready to be depressed? The Excremento Kings haven't won a road game in Toronto since February 22, 2004. That takes a special kind of suck.

76ers at Knicks, 7:30pm: So, uh, how about that Atlantic Division? Did anyone really expect this? I knew the Sixers were going to be decent, but I didn't expect this.

Thunder at Hornets, 8:00pm: Did you know the Hornets haven't broken the 100 point mark this season? Of course you didn't. That would require caring about a Hornets squad featuring Chris Kaman and Jarrett Jack as a couple of its top players.

~~Wizards~~ Generals at Bulls, 8:00pm: The Bulls are in their third night of a back-to-back-to-back. Teams are 6-1 in that situation this year (which seems completely and totally wrong). The Generals are a decomposing corpse at this point but somehow got their first win of the season. This has all the makings of either the Bulls winning in a 30 point blowout, or a flukey as hell Generals win. There's no in-between, right?

Rockets at Spurs, 8:30pm: After losing to the Bucks -- the freaking "Offense? What the hell is that?" Bucks -- last night, you just know Pops has been giving everyone on the roster an evil death stare. A few of them may have even woken up in the middle of the night feeling his presence looming over their beds. I do not expect anything less than an amazing effort by the Spurs tonight. Fear of being murdered by your coach is a good motivator.

Nyets at Nuggets, 9:00pm: Yes, the Nyets are pretty bad in general at offense. That being said, they are only averaging 18.2 points in the first quarter of games this season. That's a special kind of bawful, folks.

Lakers at Jazz, 9:00pm: Did you realize the Mormon Musicians haven't lost in the 2012 calendar year? This is the same Utah team that went 18-35 in the 2011 calendar year and looked pretty terrible to start this season. Maybe the Mayans were right about the whole end of the world thing?

Magic at Trail Blazers, 10:00pm: Just for the record, Portland is pretty freaking good this year.

Quickie Worst of the Night: January 10, 2012

2012-01-11T11:05:00.003-06:00

"That's just how I gave it to Rambis in '84. I call it the 'Pain Train,' baby."
Hey, everybody. Sorry for the lack of postage the past few days.

The Excremento Kings The Paupers shot 39 percent, let the Sixers shoot 56 percent, and trailed by as many as 34 points before downing in a sea of their own suck. That was one shoooooort Dead Coach Bounce. Huh. Maybe Paul Westfail wasn't the only problem in Sactown.

Said Kings coach Keith Smart: "We didn't have our regular rotation so the other guys had to make adjustments." Smart must be taking about the injury to Marcus Thornton...wait a tick. Keith Smart? The same guy who failed in Golden State is now head coaching in Sacramento?

Figures.

Tyreke Evans, quote machine: "They just put a whipping on us."

Bring out the gimp.

The Toronto Craptors: The Washington ~~Wizards~~ Generals hadn't won a basketball game in almost nine months. Then the Craptors came to town and Washington won in a laughable blowout, leading by as many as 27 points before settling for a 93-78 victory.

Said Craptors coach Dwane Casey: "Our disposition wasn't good coming out of the locker room to begin the game. We knew they were a hungry team, they were a wounded team. They were going to come out scratching and fighting and I didn't think we matched their fight."

Aaaaaaaand...

The Charlotte Bobkittens: Despite shooting 39 percent from the field and committing 22 turnovers, the Rocketeers snapped their four-game losing streak against the Bobkittens. In Charlotte, no less.

Said Houston coach Kevin "Clothesline" McHale: "Sometimes in the NBA you've just gotta win ugly."

Countered Charlotte coach Paul Silas: "I thought we were tired and couldn't really do anything, couldn't execute, couldn't run, couldn't defend. It's just one of those nights. Even layups. We had shots right at the hoop but we couldn't convert. I can't fault them, I mean, they played as well as they could play. We just didn't have it. They were sitting here waiting for us to come in (from New York). We played a tough game Monday night (at the Knicks), and then to come back tonight and have to play, that's rough. It's rough."

Yes, yes, yes. We get it. Schedule bad. Me tired. You know why NBA coaches were secretly thrilled about the lockout? Now every loss has a built-in exuse.

The Detroit Pistons: The only thing standing between the defending champion Mavericks winning their first road game of the season and crawling back to .500 was the Pistons. Which is like saying nothing was in their way. Dallas shot 55 percent and led by as many as 28 points...

...and with Rodney Stuckey (groin) and Charlie V. (right ankle) out, the 100-86 loss was probably inevitable. And nearly historically bawful.

From the AP recap:

Detroit's previous defeats in this streak were by 16, 23, 23 and 24. No NBA team has lost four straight games by at least 23 points, according to STATS, LLC. The last team to lose five in a row by at least 16 was the Washington Bullets, who dropped six in a row by at least that margin in March 1994.

The Pistons narrowly avoided that distinction by scoring the game's final 12 points.

Damn you, Pistons, for ruining my fun.

Lawrence Frank, quote machine, Part 1: "Everyone wants a baby, but few people want to go through the pregnancy."

No, no, no. Everyone wants to MAKE the baby, but few people want the pregnancy.

Lawrence Frank, quote machine, Part 2: "As I've said, this process may be very painful. It doesn't get better just because you want it to get better. I hope we are all frustrated, because when you are, you have two options. The first is to work harder and understand what you want to do. The second choice isn't an option."

The San Antonio Spurs: Remember those five minutes when it looked like the Spurs would be okay without Manu Ginobili? Yeah. That timer has gone ding-ding-ding.

The Deer In The Headlights might well be the league's most offensively challenged team. But they dropped 106 points on 52 percent shooting on the Spurs, and Stephen Jackson had 34 points and 8 assists against them. Jackson was 12-for-17 from the field and 3-for-4 from distance. Mind you, through Milwaukee's first eight games, S-Jax had bricked 70 of his 103 field goal attempts.

Said San Antonio coach Greg Popovich: "It's the worst defensive team we've ever had. We have a long way to go."

To make matters worse, the Spurs didn't call timeout to draw up a good look on a game-tying three before the final buzzer. From the AP recap:

Richard Jefferson's tying 3-point attempt hit the back of the rim at the buzzer.

"It was a good shot, it just didn't fall," he said.

Popovich blamed himself for the team not getting a good play to run in the final seconds. He said he yelled for the players to call timeout instead of telling the referees he wanted one.

"I've got to get it through my head that you can go to the officials," he said. "I just can't get it through my head. I should have been all over the official to get the timeout.

"I tried to yell out to the players for the timeout and they didn't hear it," he said, terming the final play "alley ball." "It was my fault. I should have been on top of the referee."

The Minnesota Timberwolves: I always love it when bad teams switch up their fail script. This game coulda been a blowout after the Timberpoops fell behind by 24 in the second quarter. Only they rallied to tie the game in the second half behind some sweet play by Ricky Rubio. Unfortunately for Minnesota fans, Derrick Rose quashed the rally. So yes, technically a loss, but a funner loss than usual.

Bright side? Anyone?

The Cleveland Cadavers: Memo the Cleveland players: You cannot let your opponent shoot 60 percent and expect to win. Oh, hey, wait...

The San Antonio Spurs: I forgot the Spurs shot 60 percent in Milwaukee and lost.

The Miami cHeat: So...after leading by as many as 17 points, the Heat were outscored 24-12 in the fourth quarter and then lost to the Warriors in OT? And LeBron James didn't even attept a shot in the fourth quarter and went 1-for-3 in overtime. Which made me wonder: Have the NBA playoffs started or something?

The Phoenix Suns: The Suns got blown out by the Lakers in L.A. And, frankly, it was pretty clear the Luke Walton (plus-minus of +32) hasn't forgottne about that playoff series back in 2005. Grant Hill: 1-for-12. Ick.

Chris' Lacktion Ledger:

Purple Paupers-Sixers: Former court jester Spencer Hawes bricked and fouled once in 10:52 as starting big man (despite three assists and two blocks) for a Madsen-level 1:0 Voskuhl.

Rockets-Bobcats: Charlotte's Desagana Diop did garner one rebound in 13:09, but a trio of fouls and turnovers each led to a 6:1 Voskuhl.

Bulls-Wolves: Minnesota's Wayne Ellington played a tune about two pieces of masonry that was 8:16 long for a +2 suck differential.

Cavs-Jazz: Semih Erden had two steals, a board, and two made free throws in 16:38...only to foul four times and lose the rock twice to give Cleveland a 6:3 Voskuhl.

Clippers-Blazers: Brian Cook fired up a trio of bricks (two from Pioneer Place) and a foul for a +4 in 4:50 and a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl.

Suns-Lakers: Robin Lopez overcame two boards in 12:41 with two fouls and a turnover for a 3:2 Voskuhl.

For the Lakeshow, Andrew Goudelock tossed a piece of masonry from the Santa Ana Freeway and lost the rock twice in 8:53 for a +3, while Devin Ebanks heaved a brick from the Walt Disney Concert Hall for a +1 in 63 seconds.

El (Oh El) Heat-Warriors: James Jones can now afford a South Beach apartment after a 2.8 trillion (2:48).

For East Oakland's finest, Chris Wright was 100% from the field on one attempt...but only had 25 seconds of fireflower-shooting time in a non-lacktive Mario!

Bawful After Dark: January 9, 2012

2012-01-09T17:13:00.000-06:00

Ah, the timeless art of seduction

Well, the Washington ~~Wizards~~ Generals are a mess, aren't they?

First, I saw this report Sunday that the Generals players have stopped listening to coach Flip Saunders.
Later, reports surfaced that Rashard Lewis refused to play after arguing with assistant coach ~~ET the Extra Terrestrial~~ Sam Cassell.
The team's response? Lewis wasn't on the bench because he didn't have a sports coat.

Yes, teams try to downplay any spats and so forth, but really? That has to be in the top ten list of most bawful excuses, right?

In other news, Chairman Yi is back. Yi Jianlian's been called up from the D-League by the Mavericks.

Worst of the Weekend in Pictures:

"Come on! I play for this godawful team! Can't I get a break?!"

Marc Gasol... you just keep doin' what you do.

Paul Pierce has a headache from all the clanking sounds his shots make

Do you think Blake Griffin's dunk face is the same as his O-face?

"COME AT ME BRO"

Sad Stephen Jackson is sad

Sad Scott Skiles is also sad

Nationally Televised Games:

Bobcraps at Knicks, NBA TV, 7:30pm: Revenge game possibilities in place here? The Bobcraps' victory at New York last week is their only road win of the season, by the way.

All The Other Games:

Pacers at 76ers, 7:00pm: You have to love how the NBA works sometimes. A couple years ago, this matchup was horrific. Tonight? Legitimately compelling.

Timberwolves at Craptors, 7:00pm: It's been nearly eight years since the Timberwolves have won a game in Toronto. I mean, yeah, I get the Timberwolves have been kinda sucky, but really? Really??

Hawks at Nyets, 7:30pm: So... anyone want to place bets on which Hawks team decides to show up for this game? Meanwhile, Jeff Teague had this to say about their win against the Bulls: "Whatever we did -- we need to bottle it up and put it in a water bottle." Be careful, Teague. Panama Lewis might say something about that.

Pistons at Bulls, 8:00pm: The Pistons are averaging a measly 84.3 points per game. Do their games have a 35 second shot clock like college games?

Hornets at Nuggets, 9:00pm: You know, I'm starting to think that the Hornets might not be a very good basketball team...

Charles Barkley on SNL

2012-01-08T21:51:00.002-06:00

In case you missed it, here were the bestest skits by Sir Charles in his Saturday Night Live hosting gig. First, he plays Shaq in an Inside the NBA spoof:

Ladies and gentlemen, the magnificent Charles Barkley Translator App:

This is only related to basketball in that Sir Charles is hosting it, but it's pretty great:

Worst of the Night: January 5, 2012

2012-01-06T07:39:00.003-06:00

"I know you're the one droppin' ass, 'Bron. You're not even bein' subtle about it."
The Atlanta Hawks: From last night's BAD comments: A piece of prophecy from kazam92: "LeBron and Wade both out tonight. Mario Chalmers will end up on WOTN for something tomorrow. I guarantee it."

He was right. But not in the way he probably expected.

In what may have been the least compelling and most painful-on-the-eyes triple-overtime "thriller" ever, the Hawks lost at home to a Miami cHeat team that missing both Dwyane Wade and LeBron James.

The RuPaul of Big Men (33 points, 14 reboundsd, 5 assists, 2 steals, 2 blocked shots) and -- yesyesmyfuckinggoditistrueohgod -- Mario Chalmers (29 points and 8 assists) killed their asses.

And the Boshtrich even went all Mr. Clutch on those Dirty Birds:

No, this is not a dream. No, I am not making this up.

Look at some of these shooting lines: Josh Smith (6-for-17), Marvin Williams (2-for-10), Joe Johnson (7-for-20 and 1-for-7 on threes), Jeff Teague (1-for-12)...and watching it happen was worse than reading the box scores. Bricks and airballs, including one terrible airball chuck down the stretch of the third OT. Thanks for that, Josh Smith.

This crap was so unwatchable that, had it gone one more overtime, I might be writing this post to you from the grave.

Now, for your reading pleasure, the text exchange I had with Dan B. about this festival of fail:

Charles Barkley, quote machine: From an anonymous reader: "Just watched the bawful Hawks Heat game. Charles said it best: (after Reggie said the loss was a black eye for the Hawks) 'I wish I could punch them in the other eye.'"

The Dallas Mavericks: Just how bad were the Mavericks last night? Here's how bad: the Manu Ginobili-less Spurs converted a miserable 39 percent of their field goals...

...and beat the Mavs by 22 points. That's bad.

It was that kind of night. Dallas shot 35 percent and went 1-for-19 from downtown...the worst three-point shooting performance in franchise history in a game with more than 10 attempts (thanks mikeyb). Cuban's Cowboys trailed by as many as 28 points and Matt Bonner (17 points on 6-for-10 shooting) thoroughly outplayed Dirk Nowitzki (6 points on 3-for-11 shooting). Hell, the entire Dallas starting lineup (24 points) barely outscored Bonner.

Said Bonner: "That was a Christmas miracle."

The Mavericks, for their part, blamed a schedule that had them playing their sixth game in eight nights.

Said Dirk: "Some of it is on us, but six games in eight days is a lot for anybody."

Added San Antonio coach Gregg Popovich: "You didn't see the real Dirk tonight, that's for sure. As the season wears on, all the teams will get into better shape and get sharper and look better."

You sure about that, Pop?

Continued Jason Terry: "We're a team that prides ourselves on getting stops defensively and making them pay on the offensive end, and that didn't happen tonight. Maybe when guys get their legs back, we'll start making shots at a higher percentage."

Ah. A season full of scheduling excuses. Good times.

And now, bonus bawful, courtesy of Dirk Nowitzki via an anonymous reader:

The Milwaukee Bucks: It looked like the Bucks had finally found a team they could beat on the road. I mean, the Kings were an awful, dysfunctional mess.

But then Paul Westfail got fired.

Said DeMarcus Cousins: "You just felt free out there. You didn't feel like you had like 30-pound bags on your back. You just felt free. It felt good to be out there."

Wow. That will not be used as a pull quote on Westfail's coaching resume.

Anyway, the Bucks were on absolute fire for a team that has nothing even remotely resembling an NBA offense. Milwaukee shot 51 percent as a team and broke the 100-point barrier, which is about as impossible as walking into the Olive Garden and finding a Unicorn having a dinner of baby back ribs with JFK dressed as Elvis. The Bucks even carved out a 21-point halftime lead...

...and managed to lose anyway. Dead Coach Bounce. Just as Dan B. predicted.

Said Milwaukee coach Scott Skiles: "In the second half, they just took it to us. They shoved us under the basket. We didn't have much resistance, and they started driving right by us."

The Paupers outscored the Deer In The Headlines 66-42 in the second half, including 35-18 in the fourth quarter. And all I can say is if the Bucks can't win even when they're scoring points, WILL THEY EVER WIN?!

No, probably not.

And just to block the socks off your feet, here's video evidence that a Bucks-Kings game can actually produce at least one watchable play. But only one.

Los Angeles Lakers: You know, when I write these Worst of the Night posts, I only talk about the Lakers when they can be included in the "Worst" part. That...that doesn't seem fair somehow. So maybe I'll let this one slide on by.

Or maybe not.

The Lakers got big games out of Pau Gasol (19 points, 7-for-10, 7 rebounds), Andrew Bynum (21 points, 9-for-16, 12 boards) and Kobe Bryant (30 points, 13-for-24, 8 rebounds)...but they couldn't do anything with LaMarcus Aldridge (28 points, 11-for-20, 10 rebounds) or Gerald Wallace (31 points).

The Lakers seemed like they were in control until the third quarter. They were working the ball inside and taking advantage of the Bynum-Gasol combo. It looked like Portland couldn't do a damn thing about it. Then things turned around.

Wanna know when I think it started?

With 8:41 left in the third, Wallace drove straight into Kobe for an "And-1!" opportunity. Mamba not only got called for the foul, but he fell backwards onto his bad wrist. And you know how Kobe responds to personal affronts like that.

By shooting.

You can check the play-by-play. On the Lakers next possession, Kobe took a jumper, missed it, grabbed the offensive board, put it back in. The possession after that, he drilled a three. Missed a jumper on the next possession. Two possessions later, he launched and bricked (badly) a 30-footer. Next possession he was called for a three-second violation. About 20 seconds later, he missed another jumper.

Oh, and check out his All-NBA First Team Defense after his missed three:

By the time he kind of stopped gunning, L.A.'s offense was all sorts of out of whack. The Blazers would win that quarter 32-18 and never look back.

I just love hitting a hornets nest with a stick.

Quentin Richardson: Looks like we've got a new entry for the Basketbawful Dumb Injury Hall of Shame. From Rotoworld:

Stan Van Gundy revealed that Quentin Richardson has something "akin to a chemical burn" on his foot. Richardson was trying to treat an ankle injury with Icy Hot, but then dipped his foot in cold water which resulted in the burn. It's impossible to make something like that up, and Richardson probably should have read the directions on the back of the box.

Oh the sweet and wonderful fail of it all. Thanks to Dan B. for the head's up.

Chris' Lacktion Report:

Heat-Hawks: In the Worst Triple Overtime Game In History, we managed to get lacktivity ANYWAY. Juwan Howard fouled once in 48 seconds for a +1 and a Mario, while Atlanta's Jason Collins got the same suck differential through the same method in 3:34, both earning 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhls.

Mavs-Spurs: Ike Diogu provided celebratory suckage for Coach Popovich, bricking once and adding on a turnover, foul, and rejection in 4:43 for a +4 and a 2:0 Voskuhl.

Bucks-Kings: As Keith Smart got to see his intellect proven right for at least one night, Travis Outlaw made the least of a 5 minute stint with a +1 via brick, while Isaiah Thomas had three seconds of Tanooki Suit time in a Super Mario!!

Lakers-Blazers: Troy Murphy countered two boards in 27:15 with three fouls for a 3:2 Voskuhl.

Bawful After Dark: January 5, 2012

2012-01-05T17:02:00.000-06:00

This young Mavs fan helped will the team to victory with a little tough love. Maybe the Kings should hire him as their new coach?

Mere weeks into the season and we've already had a coach firing. Who wants to take a guess at which coach gets canned next? Post your thoughts in the comments. And even better, take a guess at why he'll be fired. You can't just say because the team is a festering pile of fecal matter. There has to be some event that is the last straw. Get creative.

It must suck to be Roy Hibbert: "Roy Hibbert Is Tired of People Asking If He's Hasheem Thabeet." That has to be absolutely demoralizing in a way I can never even begin to fully comprehend.

Tweet of the day? Has to be this one:

adam morrison signing with besiktas in turkey, gives them the "big 3" of morrison, carlos arroyo & pops mensah-bonsu. ball.

Ball.

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

Good God Kosta Koufos is an unattractive human being

Anthony Tolliver provides our first Mortal Kombat/Street Fighter inspired moment of the season

You wouldn't like Tom Thibodeau when he's angry...

If you didn't know who this guy was, and I asked you to guess which team he coaches, you would probably guess the Generals on the first try, right?

Nationally Televised Games:

Heat at Hawks, TNT, 8:00pm: Revenge game possibilities from the Heat. But Wade is still nursing a bum foot, and LeBron tweaked his left ankle for the 83rd time the other night.

Lakers at Trail Blazers, TNT, 10:30pm: Andrew Bynum's PER this season is 32.42. Look out, you guys! MVP! MVP! Just ignore the whole "he's only played 3 games and hasn't had a devastating knee injury yet" thing.

All The Other Games:

Mavericks at Spurs, 8:30pm: The Mavericks are looking better and have seen both struggling recent acquisitions Vince Carter and Lamar Odom post season high points totals lately. The bad news is those games were only 14 points and 15 points respectively. This should surprise no one who reads this blog.

Bucks at Kings, 10:00pm: Well, we all knew it was just a matter of time until Westphal was sent packing. And not because of the Boogie Cousins thing. It had more to do with him, you know, not being a good coach and the team being underwhelming at best. So... dead coach bounce?

Worst of the Night: January 4, 2012

2012-01-05T07:15:00.002-06:00

I think Kevin McHale is starting to understand how Kurt Rambis felt back in '84...
The Washington ~~Wizards~~ Generals: The Generals -- now 0-4 on the road and 0-6 overall -- rank 29 out of 30 in Margin of Victory at -13.17. Fittingly, they fell behind 31-14 after one quarter in Orlando last night and just kinda died. Like an ant you step on but don't finish off. It just wriggles there on the ground, legs all flopping and stuff. Just gross. And sad.

Speaking of which, that 0-6 record is the first time in Washington franchise history they haven't had a win through six games. And they're the only team that hasn't won a game yet this season. The Generals shot 36 percent from the field (including 2-for-12 from downtown) and trailed by as many as 28 points.

Said Washington task master Flip Saunders: "We're gonna have to do something with our start. Whether its personnel wise or whatever. But somehow we've got to have some juice to start games."

Energy drink, maybe?

Added John Wall: "We go over everything on defense in the shootaround, but we didn't do it out there. You see what happened to us. Once everybody started being selfish on offense, (and) then on the defensive end we're not trusting each other."

Just one big, happy group, those Generals.

The New Jersey Nyets: Remember how I mentioned that Washington ranks 29 in MOV? Well, say hello to number 30. The Nyets boast a MOV of -14.57, which they outdid in last night's 89-70 loss in Boston. New Jersey actually held the Celtics to 34 points in the first half before getting blitzed 29-12 in the third quarter. And that was pretty much that.

In all fairness, the Nyets were minus Deron Williams (sore right ankle), Kris Humphries (sore left shoulder) and Brook Lopez (broken right foot), and Damion James injured his right foot in the second quarter and missed the rest of the game. Not that New Jersey needs to have players sitting out to suck. I'm just sayin'.

The Cleveland Cadavers: Would you believe that, according to Basketball-Reference, the Cadavers currently rank 12th in both Offensive and Defensive Rating? And they're 11th in MOV (2.67), ahead of both the Celtics (2.43) and Thunder (0.57). Could...could it be...that Cleveland isn't horrible this season?

Nah. Last night's 92-77 loss to the Craptors should dispell any delusions of adequacy on the part of the Cadavers. Cleveland actually shot better from three-point range (30.4 percent) than overall (29.6 percent). But that's nothing to start throwing confetti about.

Said Cadavers coach Byron Scott: "God damn, people. I'm gonna choke a bitch."

Okay, I'm kidding. This is what he said: "We had a bunch of guys that just didn't play well tonight."

True dat, Byron.

Bonus bawful: The Cads and Craptors combined four 8 fast break points. This, my friends, is what we call Scalper's Night Off.

Craptors coach Dwayne Casey, quote machine: "We're playing playoff-style basketball. Whether we're a playoff team or not, I venture to say we're not right now. But we're playing the style of defense that it takes to play in the playoffs

The Indiana Pacers: The Pacers seemed to catch a break when Dwyane Wade was scratched from their game against the Heat due to a sore left foot. Well, all I can say is thank goodness Pookie sat out, or Indy might have lost by more than the 35 points they actually did lose by.

The Pacers were outscored 33-12. During that ugly 12-minute embarrassment, they shot 1-for-15 and lost the ball 10 times.

Said Indiana coach Frank Vogel: "Lack of execution, missed open shots and their defense -- it was a combination of everything. A perfect storm."

Nothin' perfect about that storm, coach.

Bawful Stats 'O The Game: The Pacers gave up 56 points in the paint and surrendered 28 points off 23 turnovers. Indy shot 34 percent from the field and 5-for-19 from beyond the arc. To add insult to injury, they clanked 9 free throw attempts.

The New York Bricks: A home loss to the Charlotte Bobkittens? Oh good lord. Charlotte -- a team that shoots about 44 percent on the season while averaging 96.5 PPG -- finished with 118 points on 55 percent shooting...including 7-for-11 on threes. And one night removed from scoring zero points on 0-for-5 shooting against the Cadavers, Boris "The Corpse" Diaw exploded for 27 on 12-for-15 shooting against the Bricks.

When Mike 'Antoni developed the Seven Seconds or Less concept, who knew it pertained to his team's defense too?

Said Diaw: "Some games I'm going to score a lot of points and some not, and usually it doesn't depend on what we do but what the opposite team is doing, and I always try to adapt to whatever the defense is giving me. And against this kind of team, yeah, I like these kind of games."

Damn.

Said 'Antoni: "Offense was good ... just bad defense. Rotations weren't there. Give them a lot of credit, they played well, but at the same time we just played in spurts on defense. We just have to do a better job."

Added Carmelo Anthony: "That hurt. Just the way we've been playing the last couple games. I mean, it hurts to lose games like that."

New Orleans Hornets: The Hornets, playing in front of their home crowd, went ahead 27-16 after 12 minutes. That's the good news. The bad news is they were outscored every subsequent quarter, including 34-20 in the fourth, and lost 101-93.

On the bright side, New Orleans, the Saints are awesome and Mardi Gras is less than two months away. So it's not all doom and gloom.

Said Eric Gordon: "We had too many lapses on defense, and we bailed them out by taking too many jump shots. We didn't attack the rim. That's where we're best. We just have to take it to the rim."

In possibly related news, Gordon was 8-for-22 from the field and 1-for-6 from three-point range.

Jrue Holiday, quote machine: On his 14 fourth quarter points: "I was hot like a pistol. I don't know. I just looked to be aggressive and luckily tonight it was falling for me in the fourth quarter."

The Minnesota Timberwolves: I'm starting to think AP writers study this site. Check out the opening to the Grizzlies-Timberwolves recap:

The Memphis Grizzlies saw that Zach Randolph wasn't there to help them on Wednesday night, so they played harder.

The Minnesota Timberwolves saw that Zach Randolph wasn't there to beat up on them again, so they took it easy.

A little dry and no fart jokes, but still.

Anyway, Minny gave up 23 points off 17 turnovers, and they missed 11 free throws while losing by 4 points. I'll let you do the math on that one.

So much for that two-game winning streak.

Said T-Wolves coach Rick Adelman: "They were way too lax in their approach. I told them, 'You haven't won anything. Don't come out there thinking you just won the championship.'"

The Phoenix Suns: The Suns turned the ball over 15 times and surrendered 19 offensive rebounds to the Mavericks. Those are a lot of extra opportunities to give away. It's basically like giving the game away. Which they did.

Said Steve Nash: "I think we gave up tons of offensive rebounds. We held them to 41 percent shooting, which is more than acceptable, but we missed a lot of shots. We're OK offensively, but you can't give up so many offensive rebounds like we did tonight."

In related news: FREE STEVE NASH. That is all.

The Excremento Kings: Mmm. The taste of vomit in my mouth. Thank you, Kings. The Sactowners shot 32.6 percent, and imagine how bad that number would have been if DeMarcus "TRADE ME, BITCHES!" Cousins hadn't gone 9-for-12. Or, you know what, don't imagine it. It's better that way.

The Paupers also went 2-for-20 on triples. While letting the Nuggets shoot 60 percent from the field. Denver finished with 31 fast break points and 68 points in the paint. And those numbers would seem unbelievable if they weren't playing the Kings...who are currently ranked 27th in Defensive Rating.

Said Sacto coach Paul Westfail: "AAAAAH! AAAAAH! IT BURNS! IT BURNS! GET IT OFF...IT BUUUUUURNS!!!"

I'm kidding. This is what he really said: "That was a kick in our teeth. You can't hide from it. I still think we have the makings of a good basketball team and I believe we will bounce back. They got on us early. I thought we were pressing. Our shooting, it's undescribable. The avalanche just fell on us."

The Houston Rockets: The Rocketeers gave up 41 points in the first quarter and eventually lost 117-89. The Clippers shot 57 percent from the field, ran out for 22 points on the fast break, and scored 62 points in the paint. In possibly related news, Houston currently ranks 28th in Defensive Rating -- worse than the Warriors, Wizards, Pistons, Knicks and Kings -- giving up 110.5 points per 100 possessions.

Money ball, baby!

Said Luis Scola: "We struggled with everything tonight. We came in here and weren't ready to play, and this is what happens when you don't play hard. I don't know how to explain it. What you do about it the next game shows what kind of team you are."

Added Kyle Lowry: "We made mistakes offensively and defensively. It's just something we've got to figure out. We can't have nights like this. It was a terrible day for us."

Chris' Lacktion Report:

Generals-Magic: Orlando really used garbage time as an excuse to celebrate with lacktion, starting with LARRY HUGHES and Von Wafer both turning 249-second stints into +2 suck differentials, Hughes via a pair of bricks and Wafer through a foul and turnover. And Earl Clark crucnhed out a +1 via masonry in 3:28.

Nyets-Celtics: Dennis Horner -- who according to Wikipedia has a tattoo of a flaming basketball -- gathered 4.3 trillion (4:18) in rubles, while JaJuan Johnson found a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow worth 5.3 trillion (5:19).

Bobcats-Knicks: Charlotte's Bismack Biyombo fouled once in exactly 4 minutes for a +1.

Bulls-Pistons: WELCOME BACK TO LACKTION, BRIAN SCALABRINE! The greatest passenger in championship history, Scalabrine gathered up 1.2 trillion (72 seconds), while fellow cattle representative Jimmy Butler did go 100% from the charity stripe on two attempts, but only had 51 seconds of hardwood time in a non-lacktive Mario.

Warriors-Spurs: Charles Jenkins bricked once in 2:40 and fouled thricely to give East Oakland a +4, while Ishmael Smith had a whale of a time looking for Princess Peach in just 11 seconds for a Mario.

Purple Paupers-Nuggets: Francisco Garcia bricked twice (once from the charity stripe) in 5:05 for a +2.

Rockets-Clippers: Jordan Hill climbed into the ledger tonight by countering two boards and a free throw in 11:36 as starting big man with three fouls and a turnover for a 4:3 Voskuhl. Hasheem Thabeet also made Clutch The Bear wish he could've suited up instead, by negating a board in 6:43 with two fouls for a 2:1 Voskuhl.

Bawful After Dark: January 4, 2012

2012-01-04T17:32:00.000-06:00

This ref is enjoying restraining LaMarcus Aldridge a little too much

Let's start things off with some required reading for the kind of people who read this blog: "Jay Caspian Kang takes a look at Kwame Brown, basketball player, and Kwame Brown, symbol of failure." I don't know about you, but seeing stories about guys like Kwame Brown makes me excited like a puppy getting a new chew toy.

Also, I am disappointed I didn't catch this sooner (thanks Batmanu): Shelden Williams hit himself in the face with the ball on a dunk. And it is one of the greatest pictures I've seen in ages. I want to shake that photographer's hand.

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

Caption This!

What's on Tom Thibodeau's mind?

Damnit Scola, that "breathe through your eyelids" thing from Bull Durham doesn't work in real life!

Thing from the Addams Family attempts to steal the ball from Quincy Pondexter while Tyreke Evans watches

Nationally Televised Games:

~~Wizards~~ Generals at Magic, NBA TV, 7:00pm: John Wall, star point guard, is going through some hard times and shooting 31.7% from the field and averaging 4.4 turnovers per game. In others news, the Generals are 0-5 this season.

(Yes, I found a reason to link to that song just because I'm listening to that album right now and love the hell out of this song. Deal with it.)

Rockets at Clippers, NBA TV, 10:30pm: The Rockets defense is... how shall I put this... less than idea. They are allowing the other team to shoot a league-high 48.3% from the field. Coach Kevin McHale, ladies and gentlemen!

All The Other Games:

Cavaliers at Craptors, 7:00pm: Cleveland has a legitimate shot to win three straight games. Should I start worrying about the impending apocalypse?

Nyets at Celtics, 7:30pm: No Deron Williams. No Kris Humphries. Well then. This promises to be as awful as Work It. Or at least close because Work It is staggeringly bad.

Bulls at Pistons, 7:30pm: I got home last night just in time to watch the final four minutes of the Bulls game. Sounds like that was probably for the best.

Pacers at Heat, 7:30pm: Fair warning: Dwyane Wade is a game-time decision. This game might be more interesting than you think.

Bobcraps at Knicks, 7:30pm: First, make sure you check out this link poking fun at a fantastic typo: "Baron Davis recovering from the worst injury in NBA history." But then also go read this Sebastian Pruiti piece on Amar'e Stoudemire. Good stuff from one of the great NBA X's-and-O's writers.

Oh, and breaking news: DeSagana Diop is not very good at basketball.

76ers at Hornets, 8:00pm: Ready for some interesting stats? The Sixers are 2nd in points per game, and 9th in points against per game. They have a team shooting percentage of 48.3% which is pretty friggin' good. But they only have a 2-2 record.

Grizzlies at Timberwolves, 8:00pm: Z-Bo is out for up to two months with a torn MCL. Just think... a few years ago this would have been a blessing in disguise. Now it's actually a serious issue for the team (and they've had to trade for Marresse Speights to fill the roster hole). We live in strange times, my friends. Strange times.

Suns at Mavericks, 8:30pm: Stockton brought up an interesting point in the WOTN comments: "Is Steve Nash a respectable professional or just a dumb guy?" Yes, you have to admire his good-guy attitude of not bitching and moaning and demanding a trade every time the Suns got cheap and did something stupid with their roster. But on the other hand, have you seen the Phoenix roster outside of Steve Nash lately???

Warriors at Spurs, 8:30pm: Manu Ginobili's hand injury is... not good. The expected return timetable is at least two months. BRB, gonna pour one out for the dead Spurs dynasty.

Kings at Nuggets, 9:00pm: (Looks at DeMarcus Cousins' 31% shooting this season) (Vomits)

Worst of the Night: January 3, 2012

2012-01-04T07:49:00.003-06:00

Wait...which of these two men is the crazy one again?
The Atlanta Hawks: One night after pimp-slapping the Miami Heat off their undefeated pedestal, the Dirty Birds were smackin' the Bullies around. Atlanta held Chicago to 26 points in the first half -- including a season-low 11 points on 2-for-21 shooting in the second quarter -- and had them down by 19 points in the third quarter. It sure looked like one of those "turn off the TV and go to bed early" nights for Bulls fans.

Then shit came undone.

Derrick Rose exploded for 17 of his game-high 30 points in the final 12 minutes as the Bulls outscored the Hawks 34-18. And Atlanta was polished off when they failed to play seven seconds worth of effective defense:

But despite Rose's heroics and that well-executed final play, the Hawks doomed themselves by clanking six free throws in the fourth quarter, including back-to-back bricks by Jeff Teague with 17 seconds left that could have given Atlanta a three-point lead and another crucial miss by Al Horford with seven seconds left that could have put the Hawks up a point.

Instead, well, you know what happened.

Said Atlanta coach Larry Drew: "We stopped defending with the intensity that we did in the first three quarters. We didn't make our free throws going down the stretch. If you don't make your free throws on the road you can't expect to win."

Joe Johnson: The 119 Million Dollar Man finished with 10 points on 3-for-17 shooting...including 2-for-9 on threes.

Omer Asik and Kyle Korver: The title of this YouTube video -- Epic double flop by Asik and Korver -- pretty much says it all.

Al Horford, quote machine: "We were right there with them. We dominated for most of the game. Just Derrick Rose happened."

The Charlotte Bobcats: The Bobkittens let the Cleveland Cadavers put up 115 points on 50 percent shooting (including 10-for-21 on threes). And the Cads even missed nine free throws! I'm sorry, but have you seen Cleveland's lineup? They shouldn't be able to score 115 points in an empty gym full of Nerf hoops.

Faces are for hands, people.

Said Charlotte coach Paul Silas: "Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck."

I'm kidding. Here's what he actually said: "It's just not gonna work if we don't play hard all the time. We're not talented enough to not play hard all the time. You can't just give it away (points on penetration) and let it happen."

Oh, right, that reminds me. The Cadavers scored 19 fast break points and 56 points in the paint. Remember: This is a team whose primary inside player is Anderson Varejao.

D.J. Augustin Take is strong or not at all, D.J.

The Oklahoma City Thunder: From undefeated to back-to-back losses. OKC got a good, old-fashioned defense spanking in the second half, when the Frail Blazers held them to 40 points on 34 percent shooting (13-for-38).

Said Nick Collison: "I think sometimes you need losses to remind you that you've got to get better. You wish it wasn't like that. You wish you could always realize the need to improve but human nature, sometimes you get a little lax when you're winning."

Well, it's a good thing the Thunder are losing, then. Because losing is learning!

Greg Oden: I bring this up only because Portland was playing against Kevin "Coulda Been A Blazer" Durant. Yeah, KD had a crappy-crap game, but still. Oden has officially become the biggest bust in Blazers history.

Wesley Matthews, quote machine: "The first team to play defense was going to win the game. It might as well have been us."

The Excremento Kings: Somehow, despite the dramatic and highly anticipated return of DeMarcus "Trade Me, Bitches!" Cousins, the Paupers let the Grizzlies shoot 55 percent from the field and fell behind by as many as 23 before losing 113-96. Paul Westfail, irriated by the lifeless play of a team that has quit on him, went with his reserves for most of the second half.

Said Westfail: "(I did it) for two reasons. One is that we had a lot of offensive firepower on the floor with Jimmer and Isaiah and (Francisco Garcia). We were able to spread to floor and have a lot of 3-point shooting and get penetration. I thought the best chance to get back in the game was to crack open a few steals and get some threes. If that did happen, we would have our starters fresh for the last 5 or 6 minutes. If it didn't happen, they would be rested for dinner."

Ooooh yeah. This is gonna end well.

Bonus bawful: Despite playing without the injured Zach Randolph, Memphis scored 72 points in the paint. You read that correctly: 72! The Care Bears converted 29 shot attempts AT THE RIM. Getting to the hoop was about as easy as hitting your ball into the giant clown face at the end of a miniature golf course.

DeMarcus Cousins: The line: 4 points on 1-for-5 shooting in 22 minutes.

Said Cousins: "Once I got a little sweat, I was into it. I don't know why I'm missing all these little putbacks. I am missing them, so I have to keep working."

The Milwaukee Bucks: Let me ask you this: If you walked into a room and the first thing you saw were two ugly dogs eating each other, would you continue watching? No. No, I don't think you would. That's sort of what athe Bucks-Jazz experience was like, only a little worse, frankly.

Anyway, the Mormon Musicians won this Festivus of Bricks by the sad score of 85-73. Milwaukee shot just 30 percent and went 2-for-21 from downtown. They were a dismal 9-for-22 at the rim, as Utah's Derrick Favors finished with 5 of his team's 10 blocked shots.

Said Drew Gooden: "It's tough. We can't win scoring 70-80 points."

He could've just ended that quote at "We can't win."

By the way, Andrew Bogut missed the game for personal reasons. Those personal reasons being he hates his crappy team.

Chris' Lacktion Ledger:

Bobcats-Cavs: Christian Eyenga can now commiserate with Dan Gilbert after writing himself a check worth 1.1 trillion (67 seconds).

Hawks-Bulls: Jimmy Butler roamed into the land of toadstools in just 33 seconds to give Chicago a Mario.

Purple Paupers-Grizzlies: Josh Davis bricked once from (downtown Memphis) and fouled as well for a +2 in 6:59, while fellow baby cub Josh Selby bricked once in 63 seconds for a +1.

Blazers-Thunder: Lazar Hayward had a bolt of bullion appear in 86 seconds for a 1.4 trillion!

Worst of the Night: January 2, 2012

2012-01-03T07:27:00.004-06:00

The Golden State Warriors: The Warriors played their first road game of the season last night. And they lost it. Of course.

Said Golden State coach Mark Jackson: "You shoot 50 percent on the road, you should come out ahead with a win. You put teams on the foul line, turn the basketball over and give up 16 offensive rebounds, it's a recipe for disaster.

I couldn't have said it better myself, Mark. Which is why I didn't. Well, that and I'm lazy. By the way, watching Steve Nash score 13 of his game-high 21 points in the fourth quarter was kind of like watching an innocent man smash rocks in prison.

Mark Jackson, "We're BETTER than that!" quote machine: "I understand this is a process but this is a 66-game season and we need to speed up the process. I will find guys that are playing well, competing and executing the game plan and if that means playing five guys 48 minutes, I will."

Yep. This is gonna end well.

The Washington ~~Wizards~~ Generals: After their 100-92 loss in Boston last night, the Generals fell to 0-5 on the season. Washington coach Flip Saunders is already so sick of this crap that he got himself tossed less than two minutes into the game. No, really.

Way to be there for your players, Flip.

Back-to-back wins over the Generals allowed the Celts to claw their way back to .500. Regarding the two straight games his team played against Washington, Boston coach Doc Rivers said: "I wish our league did it more. I've always said that."

I bet.

Nick Young: Not only did he go a miserable 3-for-14 from the field, including 0-for-4 on treys, Ray Allen (27 points, 9-for-16, 3-for-3 on threes in the fourth) singed Young's eyebrows off. They may never return.

The Orlando Magic: Just when we were all ready to think, "Hey, maybe the Magic will actually be pretty good this season," they suffer a double-digit road loss to the Pistons. Despite the Dwight Howard matchup with Greg Monroe and Jason Maxiell, Detroit outrebounded Orlando 39-28 and outscored them 34-30 in the paint.

Orlando's 78 points were a season low.

Said Howard: "We can't make any excuses. They played harder than we did, and that's why we lost."

Added Magic coach Stan Van Grumpy: "We didn't play any defense and we didn't rebound. I think we ran out of gas offensively, but we never made any commitment to defense. I'm amazed we were even in shouting distance down the stretch."

The Miami Heat: Well, they won't go undefeated after all. And as for whether they're a lock to win this season's NBA title, I should point out that the still have Joel Anthony (2 points, 6 boards, 0 blocks) and Mario Chalmers (2-for-5, 3 assists, 5 turnovers) in their STARTING LINEUP. I'm just sayin'.

But wait. It gets better. The Heat were undone by a clutch performance by...Tracy McGrady. I am not even kidding, people.

Said Knee-Mac: "Been a long time since I had that feeling. It feels good. It feels right."

As for for the Floridians, they struggled to score points against Atlanta's zone defense. Said Miami coach Erik Spoelstra:"We need to work through it. Look, we're going to see enough of it that we will have our breakthrough. We hope to have it sooner than later. ... But you can see, our minds were heavy from that point on and our minds were occupied rather than playing free."

Yeah, well, another issue was that the Dirty Birds took care of the ball and got bac on D instead of letting the Heat run a layup drill. According to ESPN Stats and Information:

The Heat scored a season-low 92 points Monday night, and they struggled offensively because they could not get out in transition. In their first five games the Heat were averaging 101.6 possessions per game and were one of the best transition teams in the NBA. On Monday Miami had a season-low 92 possessions and struggled to get out in transition.

One of the main reasons the Heat struggled in transition against Atlanta was their inability to force turnovers in the half court. Miami forced just 10 Hawks' turnovers on Monday, the fewest for a Heat opponent this season. In its first five games Miami scored 35.7 percent of its transition points directly off "live-ball" turnovers. On Monday only one of the Heat's 13 transition plays resulted from a "live-ball" turnover, and they scored just one point on that play.

The New Jersey Nyets: After last night's 108-94 home loss to the Pacers, the Nyets are 1-5 and 0-2 in New Jersey.

In their first four games, Indy had shot 40.8 percent, 43.8 percent, 39.4 percent, and 42.8 percent. Against the Nyets, the Pacers converted 52.6 percent of theirfield goals. And it's not like Indiana had been facing world-beating teams. Their first four contests were against the Pistons (twice), Cadavers and Craptors.

Hands were not finding faces. Not even remotely.

Screamed New Jersey coach Avery Johnson: "WE'RE 1-5 AND FORTUNATELY WE HAVE 60 MORE GAMES."

So they can eventually be 1-65. Yay.

Frank Vogel, quote machine: "We had a film session this morning and I pointed out that we needed to move the ball around. I knew the guys got the message because all I heard was 'Yup, yup, yup.' I told them that we're next to unbeatable when we share the ball, night in and night out. We shot well because we were sharing the ball. When you share the basketball and play for each other instead of yourself, you can be a pretty good team. That's what we preached today."

The Pacers are next to unbeatable when they share the ball...? I honestly didn't realize there were any circumstances in which the Pacers were "next to unbeatable." Guess that's why I'm not an NBA coach.

The New York Bricks: When an all-offense/no-defense team scores only 85 points on 35 percent shooting, they typically lose, even when playing at home against a team like the Craptors. Which is is what happened to the STAT-less Bricks last night in MSG.

New York was outscored 29-11 in the second quarter.

And the scoring droughts are becoming somewhat habitual. The Bricks are 2-3, and in their three losses, they've scored 78, 82 and 85 points.

Said New York coach Mike 'Antoni: "I thought the whole first half our energy was down. We didn't play real hard. And then I think we got a little snake bitten in the sense of when you're not playing hard, things aren't falling, it started being contagious and everybody started missing shots, and we were playing on our heels. Halftime we talked about it and we came out and played aggressive and I thought second half was really good, but we needed obviously 48 minutes and didn't get it."

Obviously they didn't.

The San Antonio Spurs: As if a double-digit road loss the the Timberwolves -- in which Minny shot nearly 58 percent from the field by the way -- wasn't bad enough, the Spurs lost Manu Ginobili for the foreseeable future due to a broken left hand.

[Insert quotes about "everybody else" needing to step up here.]

Aw, forget it. The Spurs are screwed.

By the way, Timmy D scored okay (16 points on 7-for-12 shooting), but he pulled down only 2 rebounds and finished with a plus-minus of -15. When did Duncan become Amar''''''e Stoudemire?

The Oklahoma City Thunder: The last team to fall from the ranks of the undefeated gave up 56 points in the paint to a Mavs team that -- last time I checked -- doesn't have a single inside presence on the roster.

But Thunder coach Scott Brooks ain't worried: "(Losing) one game out of six isn't the end of the world. They played much better than us throughout. It wasn't our night. They shot better than us. And we missed shots we normally make."

Scott clearly didn't go the the Stan Van Grumpy School of Coaching.

The Milwaukee Bucks: It's a pretty special accomplishment when you hold a team to 39 percent shooting and lose. Congratulations, Milwaukee Bucks.

And it gets even better. Despite the crazy post-lockout schedule, the Bucks actually had two full days of rest...while the Nuggets were playing their third game in a row. And the first two of those three games were against the Lakers. And Nene missed the game with an injured heel.

Milwauke fail.

Said Stephen Jackson: "They didn't look like they had three games in three nights. That says a lot about how good of shape they're in, and they didn't have Nene, so you've got to credit them for that."

In all fairness, the Bucks were minus Mike Dunleavy Jr., which...pffffft!

Added Milwaukee coach Scott Skiles: "We didn't play very well. We kind of threw the ball all over the place. We gave ourselves a chance but we missed layups and we missed open shots."

Actually, the Bucks were 13-for-17 at the rim, a conversion rate of 76.5 percent. Maybe it was the volume of layup attempts...or the lack thereof. After all, Denver converted only 55.6 percent of their layups, but they attempted 45 of them. Which could explain their whoppin' 58 points in the paint.

Chris' Lacktion Report:

Warriors-Suns: Ishmael Smith had 32 seconds of battle with a Koopa Troopa to earn the Warriors a Mario.

Pacers-Nyets: DeShawn Stevenson bricked twice (once from Military Park) and fouled once in 10:22 for a +3, while Jordan Williams gathered up 2.85 trillion (2:51) in rubles and Dennis Horner 1.8 trillion (1:48) that would make Mikhail Prokhorov proud.

Raptors-Knicks: Amir Johnson had five points and a trio of rebounds in 24:37 as Toronto's starting big man...only to lose the rock four times and foul five times for a 9:8 Voskuhl.

Magic-Pistons: Charlie Villanueva and Austin Daye assembled a plumbing system together with 38 and 11 seconds of work respectively as Mario Brothers!!!

Thunder-Mavs: Nazr Mohammed countered a block in 6:25 with two fouls for a 2:0 Voskuhl, while Cole Aldrich spied a spot in the ledger via turnover in 60 seconds for a +1 and 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl!

For the defending champs, Dominique Jones had an exact 1 trillion (one minute of "playing" time) - his third lacktive appearance in three games!!!!

Bucks-Nuggets: Milwaukee's Larry Sanders fried up a foul in 2:32 for a +1 and a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl.

Bawful After Dark: January 2, 2012

2012-01-02T14:30:00.000-06:00

If Big Baby Davis doesn't pursue a second career in professional wrestling, there is no justice in this world

Welcome to the first BAD of 2012. Hopefully your hangover's finally gone. I'll type quietly just in case it isn't.

Worst of the Weekend in Pictures:

It just wouldn't be a Worst of the Weekend in Pictures segment without Stan Van Gundy doing something goofy

Silly Josh Smith. You're not an actual hawk. You can't really fly.

Vince Carter's moments away from crapping himself

That's the same exact expression in every slow motion fight scene in Rocky

Welcome to the gun show. Free admission with your game ticket.

Frank Vogel would like a fistbump. Someone please help out, don't leave him hanging

Okay, we get it Josh, it's your first start. You don't need to act like you're trying THAT hard.

This is the most Tony Parker picture ever

Okay, who wants to go tell Jimmer he's playing defense wrong?

Uh, wrong sport, VDN...

Nationally Televised Games:

Thunder at Mavericks, NBA TV, 8:30pm: Man, these Mavericks kind of suck. Is it time to drag Mike Iuzzolino out of retirement? Dude was a straight up beast in NBA Jam.

All The Other Games:

Warriors at Suns, 3:30pm: So far this season, the Suns are averaging only 89 points per game. What the hell kind of twisted episode of the Twilight Zone did I wake up in this morning???

~~Wizards~~ Generals at Celtics, 7:30pm: Didn't we just go through this? Rondo dropped a triple double, and the Generals continued to be the only winless team left in the league. This game stinks worse than a tire fire.

Magic at Pistons, 7:30pm: Ryan Anderson is averaging 20 points per game. I believe I speak for those of us who aren't Magic fans when I say "...who?"

Hawks at Heat, 7:30pm: Yes, the Hawks are 3-1. But have you seen their schedule so far? Two games against the Nyets, one against the Generals, and one against the Rockets. I've seen college teams play tougher preseason exhibition games.

Pacers at Nyets, 7:30pm: The Pacers are likewise 3-1, but are shooting 38.5% from the field so far this season. They have not cracked the 40% mark in any of their games so far. Worst in the league.

...And the Nyets are second-worst at 38.7%.

The NBA better burn all video evidence of this game the second the final buzzer sounds.

Craptors at Knicks, 7:30pm: I'd like to take a moment to recognize the Knicks' Josh Harrellson. Jorts was a TERRIBLE basketball player most of his time at the University of Kentucky, but suddenly started trying, got in shape, and learned how to rebound his senior year. And now he's gotten to start a game in Stoudemire's absence, and managed a double-double. Way to go, Jorts.

Spurs at Timberwolves, 8:00pm: I don't think anyone's ready to call the Timberwolves "good," but it's nice to see them be less bawful. Now, maybe if they had more pieces than just Ricky Rubio and Kevin Love to go with their assortment of scrub and bench warmers...

Bucks at Nuggets, 9:00pm: I'm not sure how good the Bucks really are, but I DO know the Nuggets are on the third game of a back-to-back-to-back after splitting two consecutive games against the Lakers. That's a recipe for dead legs if I've ever heard one. Then again, I've never heard a recipe for dead legs. Chicken legs, maybe, but not dead legs. (Mmm... chicken legs...)

Hornets at Jazz, 9:00pm: In news that should surprise absolutely no one, the Hornets are... not good. The stat I found most painful: they are shooting 15% from downtown so far. It's one thing to watch a brickfest, but there's something extra painful about watching missed three pointer after missed three pointer clang off the rim and result in long rebounds that usually go the other way.

Bawful After Dark: New Year's Weekend Watch

2011-12-30T16:56:00.004-06:00

Mike Brown tries to develop a close relationship with his players. Eww.

Welcome to BAD. But first things first, since there is only one way that I can appropriately start this post:

"Merry New Year!!"

Okay, now we can move on.

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

Caption This!

What's up with DeMarcus?

"AAAHHH! A MOUSE!"

Kevin McHale's transformation into Frankenstein's Monster is nearly complete

Birdman wanted to make a defensive play on the ball, but he was too weighed down by all that tattoo ink

Wow, SVG isn't very discrete about dropping a stinkbomb on the first couple rows of the crowd

Friday Nationally Televised Games:
Suns at Hornets, NBA TV, 8:00pm: Free Steve Nash! Free Steve Nash!

Bulls at Clippers, NBA TV, 10:30pm: All right, seriously, are Chris Paul and Blake Griffin going to start connecting on ridiculous alley oops soon or not?

Well?? We're waiting!

All The Other Friday Games:
Cavaliers at Pacers, 7:00pm: I know that we're only two games into the season, so small sample size, yada yada yada. But still. The Cavs bench has outscored its starters 107-94, and this amuses me to no end.

Magic at Bobcats, 7:00pm: Anyone else still unsure about Stan Van Gundy's new glasses? I can't decide if they make his facial expressions funnier or not. We need more proof I suppose. All right SVG, keep doing what you do.

Nyets at Hawks, 7:30pm: Deron Williams on his team's slow start: "It is not time to panic." I beg to differ. You're on the Nyets. It's a PERFECT time to panic.

Pistons at Celtics, 7:30pm: There's a word for games like these: ugly. And if you feel like opening a thesaurus, there are several other words you could pick too, I suppose.

Heat at Timberwolves, 8:00pm: Ricky Rubio!! Screw Lob City -- I'm all about Bounce Pass City.

Rockets at Grizzlies, 8:00pm: Coach Lionel Hollins on the Grizzlies' three point shooting woes: "We don't make 3s; we are not a good 3-point shooting team." Then why does your team have 23 attempts from downtown in just two games???

Craptors at Mavericks, 8:30pm: Well, look who shows up on the Mavs schedule at just the right time.

~~Wizards~~ Generals at Bucks, 8:30pm: I fully expect Andray Blatche to continue being the most Generals-y player possible. Just saying.

76ers at Jazz, 9:00pm: Greg Ostertag update! He has apparently developed breasts.

Wait, what?

Holy crap, you guys. It's like he's got Muggsy Bogues and Earl Boykins hiding under his jersey.

Saturday Nationally Televised Games:
Jazz at Spurs, NBA TV, 8:30pm: Coming into the weekend, the Jazz are damn close to the bottom of the league in points for and points agaist per game. But they're 6th in assists per game. That's... nice?

All The Other Saturday Games:
Nuggets at Lakers, 3:30pm: A game involving two Western Conference teams that I can actually watch at a reasonable hour? Unbelievable.

Pacers at Pistons, 6:00pm: The Pistons' roster is so brutal that a 37 year old Ben Wallace is still playing around 15 minutes a night at center. That's rough, guys.

Hawks at Rockets, 7:00pm: Brutal: Zach Harper's statistical analysis of Jonny Flynn. "Jonny Flynn has a turnover rate of 100%. He has a PER of -4.8 and a -.305 WS/48. That sounds about right."

Knicks at Kings, 8:00pm: Amar'e Stoudemire is day-to-day with a left ankle sprain. He says it happened coming off of a pick-and-roll. Well, we sure know it didn't happen going up for a rebound...

Suns at Thunder, 8:00pm: I briefly misread this as "Suns of Thunder." It makes absolutely no sense, but would be an awesome band name. You're welcome.

76ers at Warriors, 9:00pm: Can you believe Kwame Brown is only 29 years old? It seems like we've been making fun of him for longer than that already. FYI, his shooting percentage in three games this year is .286. Oh, Kwame. Never change.

Sunday Nationally Televised Games:
Celtics at ~~Wizards~~ Generals, NBA TV, 6:00pm: Thank God we have the Rajon Rondo vs. John Wall battle to watch. The rest of this game will look like a dying fish flopping on the bank of a river.

All The Other Sunday Games:
Nyets at Cavaliers, 6:00pm: Deron Williams has to keep a notebook with him at all times so he can constantly plan his escape from this team, right?

Bobcats at Heat, 6:00pm: The rematch! Let's hope it's half as good as their game earlier this week. And if not, here's a crazy ass picture of Michael Jordan to entertain you.

Craptors at Magic, 6:00pm: This is scary: "Raptors say Aaron Gray is getting monitoring & testing for cardiac health after episodes of a rapid heart rate. He can practice but not play." Let's hope everything is okay.

Mavericks at Timberwolves, 7:00pm: Rubio's bounce passes AND Nowitzki's rainbow jumpers and one-legged shots? Euro awesomeness overload!!

Grizzlies at Bulls, 8:00pm: You know what's really weird? Seeing Rip Hamilton without his face mask. I didn't even recognize him at first when I saw his headshot on ESPN's website today. True story.

Lakers at Nuggets, 8:00pm: Steve Blake's PER is 20.72 so far this season. John Hollinger, what have you done??

Hornets at Kings, 9:00pm: In the first three games of the year, DeMarcus Cousins has put up three double-doubles despite getting less than 30 minutes of playing time in each game. Now, if he ever learns how to actually get the ball through the hoop more than 35% of the time...

Trail Blazers at Clippers, 9:30pm: Early in the season, the Blazers are 2nd in rebounds per game, 2nd in points per game, and 5th in assists per game. Not bad. Not bad at all.

Worst of the Night: December 30, 2011

2011-12-30T09:31:00.004-06:00

I think we're gonna see a lot of sad Spurs benches this season...
The Excremento Kings: The Purple Paupers -- the youngest team in the league in case nobody told you -- managed to hang around because the Bulls couldn't hang onto the ball (18 turnovers for 23 points going the other way) or defend without fouling (the Kings got 34 free throw attempts).

Unfortunately, the Sactowners couldn't knock down their freebies (20-for-34) or protect the painted rectangle. The Bulls scored 33 fast break points and finished with 54 points in the paint. According to Hoopdata, Chicago was 19-for-24 at the rim (79.2 percent) and 8-for-14 from 3-9 feet (57.2 percent).

Can you say "layup drill"?

Said Kings coach Paul Westfail: "We defended them pretty well, but we can't defend breakaway layups. We have guys crashing the boards, where we have no business doing, and we had guys not rotating back and trying to get steals in the backcourt. The Bulls can run, everybody knew that. If you want to win games, don't give them layups. Make them run their offense."

Bonus bawful stat: The Paupers bricked 12 of their first 13 shot attempts.

Carlos Boozer: On a night when the Bulls had a red carpet escort directly to the hoop, Boozington attempted exactly two shots at the rim. Remember: He's an "inside" player. Meanwhile, he was 1-for-5 from 10-15 feet and 3-for-5 from 16-23 feet. I'm just sayin'.

Jimmer Fredette: Oh my God...this kid is a straight up gunner. He somehow finished with a team-high 3 assists, but I think those were times he lost the ball by mistake. At one point, he drove straight into four Bulls defenders...AND HE SHOT THE BALL. I feel sorry for any woman who dates him, 'cause this man only has eyes for the rim. Even Antoine Walker is kind of embarrassed for him.

The San Antonio Spurs: The old guys were gassed last night, which was their third game in a four-day span, and it showed: 37 percent from the field, 2-for-17 from downtown, and a deficit as large as 25 points. Timmy D went 1-for-8 before getting the second half off. Richard Jefferson was 2-for-10. None of the starters logged a single fourth quarter minute.

Said Spurs coach Gregg Popovich: "We were not playing well and I decided not to play them, and I was able to work other guys and get some other looks."

Added Manu Ginobili: "We were below where we want to be. In a season like this, we will have to wait and see if this might happen more often. You have to let it go and think about the next game."

If the Spurs weren't already finished, this lockout-shortened season will do it.

I mean, you wanna talk about not having any legs? They were 24-for-35 at the rim, but they were 4-for-17 from 3-9 feet, 2-for-12 from 10-15 feet, and 3-for-12 from 16-23 feet. And 2-for-17 from three, as I already pointed out.

Tim Duncan: From ESPN Stats and Information: "The Spurs were outscored by 28 points with Tim Duncan on the floor on Thursday night. His -28 is the third-worst plus-minus he's had in any regular-season game in his career, surpassed by a pair of -29 games against the Lakers (in the 2003-04 and 2010-11 seasons)."

The New Jersey Nyets: I loved this blurb from the AP recap: "In an effort to get off to better starts, the Nets adjusted their starting lineup by inserting Sundiata Gaines and Mehmet Okur in place of Anthony Morrow and Johan Petro. It didn't help." Nor did th fact that Brook Lopez was out with a broken foot.

Dwight Howard had his way (16 points, 7-for-9, 24 rebounds, 3 blocked shots) and the Nyets couldn't have found the rim with a GPS and an army of blood hounds specifically trained to locate the basket. New Jersey shot 37 percent from the field and 6-for-17 from downtown. They gave up 25 points off 15 turnovers and got outscored 42-26 in the paint. And the Magic ran away with the game despite bricking 12 free throws and shooting only 44 percent themselves.

Deron Williams: Remember a while back when Deron said he was the best point guard in the league? Next thing you know, he was running Jerry Sloan out of Utah, getting traded to the Nyets, and now he's tossing up garbage for field goal attempts. On Tuesday, Williams went 3-for-11 against the Hawks, and last night he shot 2-for-12 against the Magic. He's shooting 28 percent from the field and averaging only 5.7 assists. His PER is 10.50.

Well, he wanted out of Sloan's rigid offensive system. And that's what he got. Congrats, D-Will.

Said Williams: "It is definitely frustrating. I am not playing well right now and the team is not playing too well right now. It is not time to panic. We are going to have a little bit of struggles just because everybody is learning."

Uh, shouldn't you have learned to shoot by now, Deron?

The Dallas Mavericks: All Cuban's Cowboys had to do to avoid falling to 0-3 on the season was play 1.4 seconds of defense. And...

...fail.

The Nuggest and Blazers: Pretty decent game. Both teams made some mistakes. Portland shot well (52 percent) and dominated the boards (50-30), but they gaveup 29 points off 25 turnovers to keep Denver in the game. Meanwhile, the Nuggets racked up 28 fast break points and scored 54 points in the paint while committing only 7 turnovers, but they shot like crap (40 percent) and didn't have many of their three-point prayers answered (4-for-20).

In a battle of good shooting and shitty shooting, the good shooting usually wins.

The New York Bricks: When an "all offense, no defense" team has no offense...bad things happen.

Except for 'Melo (27 points, 8-for-14, 9-for-10 from the line), the other New York players lost control of the section of their brains that control shooting basketballs. As a team, Brick City hit only 31 percent of their field goals, finishing with only 6 fast break points and got outscored 44-26 in the paint.

New York was 0-for-7 from 3-9 feet, 0-for-4 from 10-15 feet, and 3-for-16 from 16-23 feet, and 6-for-22 on threes.

Said Bricks coach Mike 'Antoni: "The Lakers are good, and we're awful. We didn't play well. We can't make shots. We started off really well. I thought the pace was good, the rhythm was good, and then it just went downhill from there."

Added 'Melo: "This game is about acting, and right now we're reacting. We just need to get out there and play ball."

Uh, no, you need to get out there and play defense.

Kobe Bryant, quote machine: "I enjoy going against Melo, because I always win."

Carmelo Anthony, quote machine: "Kobe be lying. Kobe ain't hurt. I know him."

Chris's Lacktion Report:

Nyets-Magic: Justin Harper conjured a decent exact (90 seconds) 1.5 trillion payday - his second gathering of riches this season!

Bulls-Purple Paupers: Donte Greene (despite a 100% shooting percentage on one attempt) at 25 seconds and Isaiah Thomas (disregarding an assist) in 24 seconds were the Mario Brothers of the night, while Travis Outlaw bricked once from the Crocker Museum for a +1 suck differential in 8:36!

Nuggets-Blazers: Timofey Mozgov panned an board in 10:46, only to foul thricely and lose the rock once for a 4:1 Voskuhl. Corey Brewer had 32 seconds to hunt for gold coins in a Mario.

Knicks-Lakers: Jerome Jordan aired out a payday of 1.65 trillion (100 seconds) for the Dolan family, while Luke Walton nearly equalled his dad's endorsement money with his second capital gain so far, 2.1 trillion (128 seconds). Fellow Laker Andrew Goudelock fouled once in 100 seconds for a +1.

Bawful After Dark: December 29, 2011

2011-12-29T17:02:00.002-06:00

Is that Lou Amundson, or just an extra from Michael Jackson's Thriller video?

Yes we missed a couple WOTN posts already. But we aren't mailing it in like we're tanking for a lottery pick. Life happens, especially this time of year. Bawful told me earlier today he was disappointed he didn't get a chance the past couple days to get any WOTN posts written. So don't worry, there's plenty of bad basketball to be made fun of this season, and we're planning on recapping as best as we can.

To make it up to you, here's some news: Michael Jordan's getting married! Again! Next time he's in Vegas, he's betting the Under on how many years it lasts.

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

Already a WTF picture, but once you see Tony Parker's reaction to this in the background, you can't stop staring at him.

(h/t Flunze)

"Justin, you know you look like a damn fool, right?"

Washington DC -- Sucking the will to live out of its players since... when was the last time they were competitive??

"Ugh! It smells like old people in here!"

The Warriors celebrate their win with a spirited round of patty cake

Nationally Televised Games:
Mavericks at Thunder, TNT, 8:00pm: The Mavs could become the first defending champs to start the season 0-and-3 since the 1969-1970 Celtics. I'm going to irrationally place absolutely all of the blame on Vince Carter and Lamar Odom. Is that cool with everyone? Okay, good.

As for the Thunder, all the talk today has been about the flare-up between Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook during last night's game. KD tried to sweep things under the rug: "We're going to disagree sometimes, like I've always been saying. But I'm behind him 110 percent, and he's the same way with me. And you seen when we came on the floor we clicked and everything started to work from there." Uh, KD, Westbrook went 0-for-13 from the field in the game. I don't think "everything started to work..."

Knicks at Lakers, TNT, 10:30pm: The battle of the losers of the Chris Paul Sweepstakes!

All The Other Games:
Nyets at Magic, 7:00pm: I can hardly contain my excitement for the staggering battle of the big men in this game. Dwight Howard versus Johan Petro!!!

Spurs at Rockets, 8:00pm: Game #2 in Daryl Morey's Kevin McHale Coaching Experiment, and they're well rested while catching the Spurs on the second night of a back-to-back. This might be a legitimately interesting matchup. Then again, Kevin McHale coaching... I make no promises.

Nuggets at Trail Blazers, 10:00pm: ESPN's John Buccigross would like to remind us of this unexpected statistic: "Denver is 19-7 in the regular season since trading Carmelo Anthony, 3rd best record in the NBA (only Thunder and Bulls have been better)" I haven't seen very many Nuggets games since then (since I am in bed by 11pm Eastern, I don't catch many Western Conference team games unfortunately). However, that seems like a number that's due for a regression to the mean sometime soon, right?

Bulls at Kings, 10:00pm: Boogie Cousins has only one thing to say:

Haters gonna hate

Bawful After Dark: December 28, 2011

2011-12-28T16:45:00.005-06:00

Kris Humphries feels a sudden stab of pain from whatever the hell V.D. he caught from Kim Kardashian

Lots of games tonight, but the matchups aren't as compelling as what we saw the first couple nights of the season. Glad to see we're already back in midseason form, NBA! It is, after all, damn near the midseason... *cough*

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

Norris Cole apparently has two things: scoring touch, and SWAGGER

Glad to see the noogie hasn't gone out of style

During the lockout, Gasol moonlighted as a Muppet

"Okay Kobe, I'm going to move my mouth and point so it looks like I'm coaching, but I know you'll ignore me anyway so just go do whatever."

"Cool, cool."

Nationally Televised Games:
Thunder at Grizzlies, NBA TV, 8:00pm: Here's an interesting stat for you: "The Thunder have lost five of their last six at Memphis, with the three-OT game the lone victory." And yet on the same ESPN.com page, they have 97.8% of fans picking the Thunder and only 2.2% picking the Grizzlies in their Streak for the Cash game. Folks, this is why casinos make money. Note that I am not gambling on this game, or any game, because I will lose no matter which side I pick, but still.

Knicks at Warriors, NBA TV, 10:30pm: Can you believe the Knicks haven't started the season 2-0 since 1999? (Who am I kidding? OF COURSE you can believe that.)

All The Other Games:
Pacers at Craptors, 7:00pm: Bad blood? The last time these teams played, the Pacers were upset that Leandro Barbosa tried to score with six seconds left instead of dribbling out the clock. Danny Granger said he would have flagrantly fouled Barbosa if he was guarding him, and "Stuff like that will sit in the back of your head the next time we play Toronto." So I look forward to absolutely nothing of interest happening in this game.

Heat at Bobcraps, 7:00pm: Fun fact: the Bobcraps have started the season 2-0 just once in franchise history. Pretty sure that stat will continue to hold true after tonight.

~~Wizards~~ Generals at Hawks, 7:30pm: Washington has all kinds of in-fighting stemming from displeasure with teammates, coaching styles, and all kinds of crap. And we are just one game into the season! I may have to watch this one -- and all Generals games in the next couple weeks -- using the free NBA League Pass Broadband trial just in case we have a full team brawl. (Any John Wall alley-oops are just icing on the cake)

Cadavers at Pistons, 7:30pm: If the arena music isn't just an endless Sad Trombone loop, there is no justice in the world.

Celtics at Hornets, 8:00pm: The Celtics can't possibly start 0-3, can they? (looks around nervously) Paul Pierce isn't in the lineup again... Oh hell.

Clippers at Spurs, 8:30pm: As best as I can tell, the Clippers haven't won a game in San Antonio since January 31st 2002. Michael Olowokandi was the leading scorer for the Clippers in that game. I... need to sit down for a minute.

Jazz at Nuggets, 9:00pm: While I'm feeling nostalgic... does anyone else still completely discombobulated for a couple moments every time you look at the Jazz sideline and don't see Jerry Sloan? They should pay him stand there even if he isn't coaching.

76ers at Suns, 9:00pm: I know it's only one game, but it's nice to see Robin Lopez finally show up and put up some decent numbers. We could all use more of the Lopez twins in our lives, couldn't we?

Worst of the Night: December 26, 2011

2011-12-27T10:58:00.003-06:00

Mike Brown: Lakers coach. Don't pinch me. I wanna keep dreaming.
The Chicago Bulls: It went from Christmas cookie to Black Monday for the Bulls. Other than Luol Deng (22 points, 10-for-15, 10 boards), everybody played like leftover turkey. Stephen Curry locked down Derrick Rose (13 points, 4-for-17, 1-for-8 on threes including one airball). Carlos Boozer (6 points, 3-for-7) and Rip Hamilton (10 points, 5-for-12) spent the fourth quarter handing out Gatorade during timeouts. C.J. Watson got picked clean by Kwame Brown.

Yeah.

The Bulls gave up 22 points off 20 turnovers and the Warriors racked up 16 steals and 20 fast break points. Chicago got outscored 42-32 in the paint and gave up 31 free throw attempts. On the bright side, Mark Jackson got the first win of his coaching career. Speaking of which...

...Derrick Rose and the Chicago Bulls: You're BETTER than that.

The Cleveland Cadavers: Does the city of Cleveland even know the lockout is over? Do they wish it wasn't? Probably. Last night, the Cadavers were led by Ramon Sessions (18 points, 6 assists, 4 rebounds) while number one overall pick Kyrie Irving finished with 6 points on 2-for-12 shooting. And, as the AP recap pointed out, half of those points came off a "meaningless three-pointer in the final minute."

Oy.

Said Irving: "I was a little bit too tentative out there and thinking about my shot. I have to push through it mentally and physically."

Alonzo Gee: Damn. Not only did this dunk almost kill him...it was waved off 'cause he travled.

The Detroit Pistons: Freed of the cancer that was Rip Hamilton...Detroit went on to set a franchise record for scoring futility.

From ESPN Stats and Information: "The Pistons 79 points scored are the fewest scored in a season opener in franchise history in the shot clock era (since 1954-55 season). Previous record was 81 points in 1992."

Ouch. That explains why the Pacers were able to blow them out despite shooting 36.8 percent from the field.

Said Detroit coach Lawrence Frank: "We just have to play a whole lot more together game. More ball movement, more working to get rhythm shots. It just shows you where we're at right now. We've got a lot of work to do."

Added Rodney Stuckey: "Now we know what we've got to do. We've got to stop complaining, we've got to rebound the basketball, we've got to play harder. That's it."

Huh. Maybe I don't know anything about this earth "basketball," but it seems to me a team with a starting five of Tayshaun Prince, Jonas Jerebko, Greg Monroe, Ben Gordon and Rodney Stuckey needs more than better rebounding and less complaining.

Lawrence Frank, quote machine: Regarding Indy's win over his team: "It's one game. What's the big boulevard down here? I don't know if there's going to be a parade this year. They're a good team, it's one game, they outplayed us tonight."

The Houston Rockets: When are Daryl Morey's revolutionary moneyball concepts going to turn the Rockets into anything more than a mildly interesting overachiever mired in mediocrity? No, really. When?

Every Houston loss always feels about the same. Scrappy. Hangs in there. Gets beat.

Said Rockets coach Kevin McHale: "Mentally, we're asking them to do a lot of different things with new coverages and a lot of different things with new calls and stuff like that. Some of that was blown. Overall, I think this team will play hard. I think we're feisty. I think when [Samuel Dalembert] gets in shape he'll help us out a great deal."

If Houston's hopes are riding on Sammy Dalembert getting in shape...

...they are so thoroughly fucked.

The Washington ~~Wizards~~ Generals: They held the Nyets to 39 percent shooting but got raped on the boards (58-39) and choked away a 25 point lead in a 90-84 home court loss. And, because these are the Generals we're talking about, there just had to be some post-game drama (via the AP recap):

Afterward, there was a bit of drama in the Wizards' locker room, where power forward Andray Blatche -- who opened a pregame speech to the home crowd by saying, "This is your captain, Andray Blatche" -- voiced displeasure with the play-calling and said he should get the ball down low more than out on the wings. He then repeated that complaint on Twitter.

All it took was one regular-season game for the in-fighting to start in Washington.

"Is it trust? Or is it, 'I think that I can make a play to get us going again,' and you try to do it individually? In our league, you can't do it, unless you're one of the elite players," coach Flip Saunders said. "We don't have anyone that's at that elite status right now."

When a reporter relayed the gist of what Saunders said, Blatche responded: "He probably was talking about me, because for the simple fact that I said that I need the ball in the paint to be effective."

"You can't keep having me pick-and-pop and shooting jump shots. Give me the ball in the paint. That's where I'm most effective at. I've been saying that since training camp: I need the ball in the paint. I don't want to be the pick-and-pop guy that I used to be. It's not working for me," continued Blatche, who shot 5 for 13, scored 11 points and was called for a technical foul. "I'm not saying the offense has to run through me, but I prefer to be in the paint."

He shook his head. He stared at the carpet. He shrugged his shoulders. And then he sat in front of his locker, in full uniform, for a good half-hour after the game had ended.

Blatche offered a simple analysis of how Washington went from being ahead 37-16 in the second quarter to trailing in the third.

"Our blessing was our curse," Blatche said. "Getting up by 20 so early and so easy was a curse for us, because then guys started to get relaxed, and then we all wanted to start to play 1-on-1 basketball."

Which, as Wall explained, isn't something that generally will work in Washington's favor.

"We have nobody on our team that's THAT great," Wall said, echoing his coach.

Yep. After one game.

Bucks versus Bobcats: Milwaukee started Mike Dunleavy Jr. Charlottte started Corey Maggette. Dear God. I cannot care about this game.

The Minnesota Timberwolves: On the one hand, the T-Wolves have assembled some talent: Kevin Love, Michael Beasley, Ricky Rubio, Derrick Williams, J.J. Barea, Anthony Randolph. On the other hand, they're still starting Darko Milicic and Luke Ridnour. And they managed to lose at home to a Thunder team playing on the second night of back-to-backs despite outscoring them 60-36 in the paint and forcing 17 turnovers.

Of course, this is, after all, a team that as the AP recap pointed out has "lost 132 games over the previous two seasons and hasn't been to the playoffs since 2004."

Bonus bawful from ESPN Stats and Information: "The Thunder have won 10 straight vs the Timberwolves. The last time the Thunder/Sonics franchise won 10 straight against one franchise was from November 1999 to January 2003 when they had a 14-game win streak against the Warriors."

Ever notice how stats like these always involve teams like the Timberwolves, Clippers, Warriors...

Oklahoma City coach Scott Brooks, quote machine: On Ricky Rubio's debut: "I've been hearing about him for six years and I saw him for the first time 30 minutes (ago) and it was like he is real. Like a folk hero."

The Dallas Mavericks: Yikes. This is gettin' ugly.

From the AP recap:

The reigning champions have quickly become a team everyone wants to play. There's no telling which is worse right now, their offense or defense, their conditioning or chemistry, as they were drubbed for a second straight game, losing 115-93 to the Nuggets on Monday night.

Dallas gave up 20 straight points in the second quarter and had a stretch of 14 straight missed shots during a 9:52 drought between baskets. It was so bad that their player of the game, Sean Williams, threw up when he left the court.

Williams, the 13th and final guy off the bench, was so gassed from scoring 12 points in 11 energetic minutes that he vomited in front of the team's bench. Teammates and owner Mark Cuban laughed, and fans in the area gave a light-hearted standing ovation while an usher mopped up the mess.

...

The Mavs trailed by 33 in the third quarter, a day after being down by 35 in the third quarter against Miami. Counting a pair of preseason games against Oklahoma City, Dallas has been behind by at least 23 points in every game since being crowned champs.

Like I said yesterday, see what happens when Mark Cuban starts getting stingy?

Said Dirk Nowitzki: "We look old and slow and out of shape -- a bad combination. I still think this team has a lot of potential. But we have to turn the corner."

Added Shawn Marion: "We're not comfortable with each other on both ends of the floor. We're trying to get acclimated and you can tell it's not flowing the way it should be and there's going to be some bumps."

Concluded coach Rick Carlisle: "We're going to recharge tomorrow, have a hell of a practice on Wednesday and then we've got to go up to Oklahoma City and we're going to have to play a lot better. I've got a lot of work to do."

The way I see it, Dallas is only about 11 trades from getting right back into champioship contention. No problem.

Lamar Odom: 6 points on 1-for-10 shooting. Good trade. Gooooood trade.

Sean Williams: The Mavs are so bad it made poor Williams throw up in his own mouth:

Said Williams: "It was awkward, man, pretty awkward. It's never happened to me before -- not ever, even in a practice."

The Memphis Grizzlies: Glancing at the box score, I see Z-Bo's line -- 10 points, 3-for-8, 6 rebounds, 3 turnovers, 1 assist -- and I think about that contract extension he signed at the end of last season. And, you know, I don't think the Grizzlies are going to be the scappy overachievers they were last year.

Of course, it didn't help they gave up 28 points off 25 turnovers.

Said Memphis coach Lionel Hollins: "We didn't play very well. We did turn the ball over alot, but we didn't guard. We didn't guard them in the pick in roll. We gave up transition points. It was not a very well-played game by us at all."

Manu Ginobili, quote machine: "Zach was off. He didn't have one of these games in the playoffs. That happens the first game of the season. We all need time to get back in shape. "

The Phoenix Suns: Dear God. I don't ask for much. But please let Steve Nash get traded to a contender. Thank you.

The Los Angeles Lakers: All I can say is: The Mike Brown era has begun.

Okay, okay. I can also say this: The Kings beat the Lakers for the first time in more than three years.

L.A. went 1-for-16 from downtown, gave up 19 fast break points, and trailed by as many as 15.

They're STARTING Josh McRoberts and Devin Ebanks. Troy Murphy played 24 minutes.

And, yeah, they'll probably be better when Andy Bynum is back in action.

But still: happy face.

Kobe Bryant, quote machine: "It's not a rivalry. We beat them every year. Oh my God. I don't care if they beat us tonight. I like (Kings owners Joe and Gavin Maloof). I hope they enjoy this."

Chris' Lacktion Ledger:

Nyets-Generals: New Jersey's DeShawn Stevenson was severely curtailed in his hunt for Goombas, only getting 12 seconds of court time in a Mario.

Bucks-Bobcats: Jon Leuer had a 78 second moment of lacktivity that raked in 1.3 trillion.

For Charlotte, Bismack Biyombo lost the rock once in 6:08 for a +1 suck differential.

Rockets-Magic: Marcus Morris lived out his dream of hardly working by bricking twice from Thornton Park in 4:20 and adding two fouls for a +4.

Orlando's J. Harper gathered up a payout of 1.4 trillion (86 seconds).

Thunder-Wolves: Oklahoma City's Nazr Mohammed countered a field goal and two boards in 15:10 with four fouls and a turnover for a 5:4 Voskuhl.

Grizzlies-Spurs: Brian Skinner bricked once and took a foul in 4:22 for a +2 and a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl.

Lakers-Kings: Donte Greene had half a minute of 1Ups in a celebratory Mario!

Sixers-Blazers: In the highly unanticipated rematch of the 1977 Finals, Chris Johnson collected a brick and foul in 110 seconds for a +2 that doubled as a celebratory 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl.

Bulls-Warriors: Omer Asik had a loveable three-foul, one-rejection, one-brick line tonight for a +5 in 9:59 that doubled as a 3:0 Voskuhl.

For East Oakland's ballers, Ishmael Smith tossed two pieces of masonry and added on a brick in 4:16 for a +3 that also counted as a Madsen-level 1:0 Voskuhl.

Bawful After Dark: December 26, 2011

2011-12-26T16:11:00.000-06:00

Ah, coach reaction shots. The thing I missed most about the NBA

The "Christmas hangover" day -- lots of games, but nobody really cares that much. Well, here goes nothing anyway.

Nationally Televised Games:
Rockets at Magic, NBA TV, 7:00pm: Who's ready for some Magic basketball??? (crickets) Meanwhile, the Rockets have a middling roster and Kevin McHale is their new head coach. The hell? What's Daryl Morey planning? You know he's up to something and is just playing the rope-a-dope strategy right now. Right?

Lakers at Kings, NBA TV, 10:00pm: Anyone else expecting the Kings to maybe, just maybe, not be horrible this year? Tyreke Evans, a slimmer and more experienced DeMarcus Cousins, Marcus Thornton, Jimmer Fredette, and the always underrated Chuck Hayes has already been declared captain despite just recently joining the team after a health scare.

All The Other Games:
Craptors at Cavaliers, 7:00pm: I'm just going to quote the STATS LLC game preview here, because they say all that needs to be said:

Eight years after Cleveland picked LeBron James first overall in the draft and 17 months removed from James' infamous "Decision," there is hope Kyrie Irving may be the piece the Cavaliers can rebuild around.
...
The wild card could be Andrea Bargnani, who is being shifted from center to forward in hopes of improving his rebounding. The Italian 7-footer averaged a career-best 21.4 points last season, but only 5.2 rebounds.

Pistons at Pacers, 7:00pm: Remember the way the Pacers finished out last season being semi-competitive and even making the playoffs slightly interesting? They've added David West and George Hill to the mix. I'm betting they're going to be one of those teams that gets described as "frisky" on a regular basis. You know, just good enough to piss you off if you're a fan of whatever team is playing the Pacers each night.

On the other side of this game, it's still so cold in the D. Here's Detroit's starting lineup for tonight's game: Stuckey, Gordon, Prince, Monroe, Jerebko.

Nyets at ~~Wizards~~ Generals, 7:00pm: Is this still a thing? Is Washington still terrible enough to be considered a professional loser? Will the Nyets feel motivated by their owner's foray into Russian politics? Stay tuned!

Bucks at Bobcraps, 7:00pm: I would just like to take a moment to remind everyone that the Bobcraps are placing their hopes and dreams in the hands of Corey Maggette. Lemme know how that works out for you, Charlotte. Also, I'm just gonna leave this here... "Stephen Jackson admits he checked out after the Bobcats traded Gerald Wallace."

Thunder at Timberwolves, 8:00pm: Minnesota's added some pieces to help Kevin Love since last year: Ricky Rubio (finally), Derrick Williams, and J.J. Barea, plus new coach Rick Adelman. I'm not expecting miracles, but there's a chance they might not be dogshit for a change this year. Of course they'll still lose this game because the Thunder are really, really, really good. But still.

Nuggets at Mavericks, 8:30pm: And so continues the Nuggets' experiment with having a roster entirely composed of role players. When Nene is the closest thing to a superstar on your roster, you really, really need for some things to just go your way every night to compete. That being said, George Karl! There's always a chance.

Grizzlies at Spurs, 8:30pm: Hear that? That's the sound of the door continuing to shut on San Antonio's chance at one last title before they have to blow it up and rebuild. Tim Duncan, Manu Ginobili, and Tony Parker aren't getting any younger. Richard Jefferson continues to decline. Antonio McDyess retired. Damn, this is depressing. I feel old, you guys. I need a hug. :(

Hornets at Suns, 9:00pm: Pardon me, but I'm just going to say this one more time to get it out of my system: "basketball reasons." Okay, there, I feel better. So anyway, the Hornets are still owned by the league -- and damn does that just feel wrong -- and they've lost Chris Paul and David West. But they acquired Chris Kaman!!

...Yeah, I'm sorry, Hornets fans.

Meanwhile, the Suns will continue to waste the last years of Steve Nash's career. Happy happy joy joy.

76ers at Trailblazers, 10:00pm: Again, I'm just going to quote the STATS LLC guys because, really, what can I possibly say that's more fitting than this?

"In what has become a recurring theme in Portland, the Trail Blazers will open the season with a myriad of injuries."

Bulls at Warriors, 10:30pm: The Mark Jackson coaching experiment continues! He was brought in to change the defensive mentality to lower that 105.7 points per game number they allowed last season. Well, they only gave up 105 points last season! Success!! That;s almost a full point lower!!

Worst of Christmas Night

2011-12-26T09:40:00.000-06:00

Worst of the Night is back. You're welcome.
The Boston Celtics: The Celts were playing at a disadvantage. After all, Paul Pierce was sitting out with...

Paul Pierce: ...a bruised right heel. Wait, what? Isn't this the same guy who got cut in half pretty bad right before the 2000-01 season but went on to play all 82 games that year? Does that mean a bruised heal is worse than getting stabbed 11 times in the face, neck, and back and having a bottle smashed over your head? That's it. I'm gonna start taping my heals before playing in my pickup league. But I digress.

The Boston Celtics: So, yeah, Boston was behind the eight ball, considering their starting SF missed the game and their backup SF is out for the season due to heart surgery. Enter Sasha Pavlovic: Starting small forward for the Boston Celtics.

Oh God.

Sasha Pavlovic: His line: 15 minutes, zero points, 4 fouls, -4. On the bright side, he didn't commit a single turnover. Moving on.

The Boston Celtics: So the Green Machine actually shot 51 percent from the field, plus they were +18 in points in the paint, +11 on assists, +10 on the boards, +8 points on the fast break, and they led by as many as 10 points in the fourth quarter. And lost. Mostly 'cause their hands couldn't locate the faces of Toney Douglas (19 points, 8-for-19, +12), Amar''''''e Stoudemire (21 points, 8-for-11, 2-for-2 on threes) and especially Carmelo Anthony (37 points, 10-for-17, 4-for-7 from downtown, 13-for-15 from the line). 'Melo also hit what turned out to be the game-winning free throws with 16.3 seconds left.

And, for a team with a strong veteran presence and championship experience, Boston's attempts to tie the game were pretty poor. And then there was...

Kevin Garnett: Aw, man. Not again.

Kevin Garnett, quote machine: "They seem to have a little swag and confidence behind them. It's good for the city. It's good for the Knicks. I'm going to see how consistent they are with that, but for the most part Carmelo played really well."

Doc Rivers, quote machine: "I thought we were as soft as you could be in the first quarter and then I thought we joined in to the 2011-12 season, and from that point on I was pretty happy with the way we played."

The Dallas Mavericks: After years and years of overpaying -- with his one forway into frugality being letting Steve Nash walk and using the Nash money to sign Erick Dampier -- Mark Cuban finally started pinching some pennies, letting key players from last year's title squad walk (most notably Tyson Chandler and J.J. Barea) and replacing them with Vince Carter and Lamar Odom. Which would have been a freakin' coup in 2005. But it's about to be 2012.

Said Dallas coach Rick Carlisle: "We're going to have to forge an identity with this team; it's a different team. That's work, and it's going to take honesty, and it's not going to be easy."

No kidding. The Heat -- who got clowned by the Mavs in the Finals last season -- punked Cuban's Cowboys on their own home floor. Miami went up by 15 after one quarter, by 21 after two, and led by as many as 35 points in the second half.

How bad was this ass-kickin'? The Heat outscored the Mavericks 18-0 in the paint in the first quarter alone. For the game, they outrebounded the champs 51-31. Oh, and the Floridians had 97 points through three quarters.

Yeah. The Mavs might be missing Chandler. Just a little.

Vince Carter: This excerpt from the AP recap says it all: "[Vince] Carter took Dallas' first two shots, an 18-footer and a layup. Both missed. [Delonte] West started the second half in his place and finished with 10 points. Carter had five points, two rebounds and three assists in 21 minutes."

Let's put it this way. There were Christmas turkeys that have already been digested and shat out that have a better chance of making a comeback than Vinsanity.

Chris Bosh: Despite his team's overpowering win, the league's reigning powerless forward was nowhere to be seen, finishing with 4 point on 2-for-9 shooting in 24 minutes of lacktion. According to ESPN Stats and Information, those were Bosh's fewest points in a game in which he played at least 20 minutes since December 19, 2004 against the New Jersey Nets.

Jason Terry: "Thirty-one years you waited -- 31 years! -- to call your team a champion, ladies and gentlemen. A champion!"

The Los Angeles Lakers: At the moment the Lakers forged a 11-point lead with 3:44 to go, the Bulls were shooting 6-for-41 in the second half. Seriously, Chicago's offense was so stinking it up so bad it shaved half a point off Michael Jordan's career scoring average. Still...

...the Bulls went 6-for-7 in the final three and a half minutes to stun the Lakers on Derrick Rose's Christmas cookie to end all Christmas cookies:

Kobe Bryant: Yes, he had a strong game (28 points, 7 rebounds, 6 assists, 2 steals) and canned a clutch jumper with just under a minute to go despite a bum wrist. But he also made some plays that helped get the Bulls back into it.

Mamba got stripped by Joakim Noah with 3:13 left, and his turnover turned into a breakaway dunk for Luol Deng. Then he committed a foul on Deng with 1:58 left, and Lu knocked down both freebies. He missed an 18-footer with 24 seconds left and followed that up with another (really dumb) foul on Deng, who once again drilled both freebies. On L.A.'s next possession, out of a timeout no less, Kobe's pass was stolen by Deng, leading to Rose's game winner. Then Bryant had his last-second shot stuffed...by Deng.

And here's some extra fodder from ESPN Stats and Information: "Kobe Bryant really struggled in isolation play types against the Bulls, scoring just 6 points on 13 plays. He shot 3-11 including a combined 1-8 on isolations from the top of the key and the right side of the court."

The Orlando Magic: Look, the Thunder are a good team, and they were playing at home, so Orlando's lopsided loss doesn't look all that bad on paper.

But watching it was telling. This team is not together, and Dwight "I demand to be traded" Howard is the reason why. They're going to suck with him. They're going to suck without him. This team is stuck in that dreaded basketball limbo from which there is nearly no escape.

Dwight Howard: 11 points on 4-for-12 shooting, 3-for-8 from the line, 0-for-1 on threes. They're called "motions," and Dwight is goin' through 'em.

David Stern, quote machine: On the Howard situation: "That's the beauty of the soap opera. How it plays out, we'll wait and see."

The Golden State Warriors: Could it be? Are the Clippers no longer who we through they were? In their 105-86 road win over the Warriors, The Other L.A. Team scored 64 points in the second half and played nearly flawless basketball down the stretch. And Chris Paul was awesome, especially in the final four minutes.

Still...they were playing the Golden State Warriors. And according to ESPN Stats and Information: "The Clippers probably wish they could start every year off with the Warriors. They are a perfect 4-0 vs Golden State in season openers winning by an average of 12.3 points. Against the rest of the league, the Clippers are 8 games below .500 and giving up nearly 107 points per game."

So. You know. Let's wait and see.

Chris' Lacktion Report:

Celtics-Knicks: Avery Bradley labeled himself the first lacktator of the 2011-12 season, bricking twice in 8:48 and adding a rejection and turnover for a +4 suck differential. Fellow Bostonian E'Twaun Moore mired himself amongst mushrooms in just four seconds for a Super Mario.

For New York, Bill Walker went to work with one brick from Broadway in 14:43 as well as three giveaways and four fouls for a +8! (Not to mention a Christmas gift of a throat shove by the amiable Kevin Garnett.)

Heat-Mavs: Shane Battier bricked once from the Stemmons Freeway for a +1 in 4:03, while Mickell Gladness cheerfully fouled twice in 2:56 for a +2 and a 2:0 Voskuhl.

Dallas's Brendan Haywood countered 3 boards in 13:38 with four fouls and two lost rocks for a 6:3 Voskuhl.

Magic-Thunder: Quentin Richardson spelled one foul in 4:41 for a +1.

Clippers-Warriors: Dominic McGuire made it back into the lacktion report, this time providing East Oakland with a 3.5 trillion (3:29) worth of server applications. $7 million dollar man Kwame Brown countered a made free throw and board in 6:49 with a trio of fouls for a 3:2 Voskuhl. Meanwhile, the Warriors also produced a pair of conventional Mario Brothers (Charles Jenkins at 58 seconds despite an assist, and Jeremy Tyler at 22 seconds).

Christmas Day in pictures

2011-12-26T09:12:00.005-06:00

The other side says,
"Get asses kicked."

"Man, this team is heavy."

Next day's headline: Has-been director Choked to Death.

Not expecting to duplicate this feat any time soon?
Make your banner SUPERGINORMOUS.

Meet the player who always looks like he is about to say,
in the middle of saying, or just done saying,
"You dirty no-good mutha."

"Dear God, please help my team play defense,
even though I'm not going to preach it."

Khloe's "I'm getting a divorce" look.

Kobe's man-hug rule #16:
Fists make it not-gay.

The KB24 definition of "A good, clean look for a final shot."
P.S.> Gasol is waiting unguarded under the basket.

In the middle of the third quarter,
Santa tore all but one finger off his trinkets.