Due to some technical issues involving my DVR, this post is coming to you a little late. However,  I was able to finally see Team USA dismantle the French National Team thanks to the power of a website that shall remain nameless. While watching the game, I took down some notes. Here for your enjoyment, are my observations.

1st Qtr.

• NBC shows us a graphic of current NBA players on the French Team. Tony Parker, Boris Diaw, Nando De Colo for the Spurs. Nick Batum for the Trailblazers, and Ronny Turiaf for the Clippers, and Kevin Seraphin for the Wizards.

• NBC does a little intro with each player. Kobe is sporting a bad ass goatee. Russell Westbrook is trying very hard to look intimidating, but it’s not working at all. Perhaps a goatee would do the trick.

• Apparently London’s basketball arena is nicknamed The Marshmallow. No way this country takes basketball seriously.

• France is starting Batum, Parker, Diaw, Turiaf, and Michael Gelabale. A quick Google search showed his last role in the NBA was a practice squad member for the Lakers in 2009. I’m sure Kobe is just as clueless about his game as I am.

• We have refs from Brazil, Australia, and Slovenia. What language do they speak?

• Durant has shaved his head. Bron needs to take notes

• The announcers immediately point out Tony Parker’s Horace Grant look. Craig Sager references the nightclub incident with Drake and Chris Brown. What are the chances of Craig knowing the lyrics to “The Motto”

• France kicks things off with a turnover and foul. The next play is a Lebron to Tyson alley oop for an and 1.

• Diaw tries to post Durant. Serious weight mismatch right there.

• Kobe bricks a three. Gelabale pump fakes Durant and nails a baseline jumper. Take that Mamba.

• Durant with a fast break dunk off of a France turnover. Mrs. Obama is pleased.

• Lebron with a 3 quarters court bounce pass through traffic to a streaking Durant who flushes it on Batum for the and 1.

• Kobe catches at the top of the key and sizes up Gelabale. Gives a few crossover dribbles and drives drawing the foul. This is clearly the premier match up of the game.

• Nando De Colo tosses the ball to a guy sitting at the scorer’s table, this after badly bricking a wide open three. I’m calling it now: He won’t play more than 2 minutes per game for the Spurs next season.

• Deron Williams is hounding Tony Parker up the floor and suddenly gets a face full of Diaw’s tits on a hard screen.

• Carmelo takes advantage of the no goaltending rule by swatting away a bouncy Tony Parker free throw.

• Pietrus gets an offensive rebound and put back; brining the score to 20-17 USA. For the record this is Florent Pietrus, younger brother of Mickael Pietrus. He happens to look like half Mickael Pietrus, half Tony Allen.

• Yannick Bokolo buries a three at the buzzer to bring the score to 22-21 at the end on the first.

2nd Qtr.

• Kobe hits a catch and shoot three on a drive and kick from CP3. On the jog back you can almost hear him cursing David Stern.

 • Westbrook airballs a three. I think he’s now 0-2 from the floor for so far. I expect Westbrook to take SEVERAL more attempts throughout this game.

• Diaw makes a nice post move, yet because he has the athleticism of a toddler, he gets his shot tossed to half court by Durant

• I’m caught off guard when Doug Collins refers to Oklahoma City, simply as “Oak City”

• After a lay in by Kevin Love, team USA gets hit with a tech for taunting. I’m going to assume it had to do with Parker’s goggles.

• Deron Williams throws a lob to Kevin Love which he barley rolls over the rim. Its moments like these that make me really appreciate Blake Griffin.

• Kevin Love gets posted up and scored on by Ali Traore. Love by the way is looking more and more like Justin Timberlake by the day.

• Harden delivers a bullet to Lebron for the back door slam. 50-36 USA.

• 45.8 seconds left in the 2nd and Doug Collins has dropped the name “Oak City” 4 times now. He’s clearly trying to sound cool.

• Harden bricks a three and its 52-36 at the half.

3rd Qtr.

• Craig Sager is courtside forced to wear a very toned down blue USA Olympic polo. He’s livid on the inside.

• USA goes up 20 with a contested three by Kobe. 58-38.

• Lebron throws a lob to Tyson. Parker then puts both his hands on his hips in the most feminine of fashion and glares at Turiaf like woman who just caught her boyfriend looking at porn.

• Kobe tosses Batum to the ground on an inbounds play and gets called for the foul. Yet he’s genuinely surprised.

• Batum grabs an offensive rebound, falls to floor and then appears to get raped by Chandler and Chris Paul. During his flailing the ref says his toe touched the baseline. USA ball.

• Deron Williams throws a lob to Lebron. On the replay you can see several veins in Diaw’s head as he maxes out his vert at 5 inches while trying to block it. I love HD.

• With two hands Lebron flicks a laser to a cutting Carmelo for the dunk.

• Deron drives the lane and hits a wide open floater. 70-51 USA.

• And here it is. The topic of the Dream Team vs the 2012 team finally emerges. Don’t know what took so long.

• Kevin Love dive cuts and throws down a pedestrian one hand dunk. The bench rises to their feet in celebration. I’m really missing Blake now. I think I need a 15 minute break to watch some of his mixes on YouTube.

• Kevin Seraphin tries to post up Melo. He somehow shoots an airball; Melo engulfs the rebound and then screams “GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE”. So much for sportsmanship and goodwill.

• 78-51 at the end of the third.

4th Qtr.

• Westbrook has zero respect for Nando De Colo’s ball handling.

• 8:03 of the 4th and we have our first Anthony Davis sighting.

• Davis gets posted up and scored on by the much larger Ali Traeore.

• Ali tries to post on Davis again and get his shot rejected.

• De Colo drains a three. Now that the jitters are out of the way, I’m sure he’s gonna start ballin out.

• Harden leaks out on a fast break and throws down a filthy one hand tomahawk. 89-62.

• Gelabale pump fakes Westbrook, drives baseline and hit the layup. Afterwards he glares at Kobe on the bench. (I made that last part up)

• Diaw schools Davis on the block for a nice reverse layup.

• Diaw bulldozes the lane and hit another layup.

 • Final score is 98-71 Team USA

In an attempt to further piss everyone off, the NBA Board of Governors met last week and voted in favor of placing small advertising patches on NBA uniforms. This got me thinking. What if players were allowed to sign exclusive endorsement deals with corporations to have logos placed on their jerseys? Luckily for you, I’ve used my bush league Photoshop skills to put together some potential uniform designs.

APTOPIX NBA Finals Basketball
NBA: Detroit Pistons at Denver Nuggets

At the conclusion of my previous post, I referred to Dwight Howard as the new public enemy number 1. He was once seen as this lovable, playful kid who liked to dance and joke around. Delivering Stan Van Gundy impersonations at the drop of a hat. That may still be the case, but those aren’t the only things that fans now associate with the big man. Selfish, Indecisive, Diva... How did we arrive here? What drove fans to despise a man who was once a media darling?

dwight rookie

They grow up so fast. 

On June 24, 2004, the Orlando Magic selected Dwight Howard with the number 1 pick in the draft. In the previous season, Tracy McGrady lead the team to grand total of 21 wins. In his rookie season, the Magic saw a 15 game improvement. By his third season, he had made the All Star Team and lead the Magic to the playoffs. Two seasons after that, the Magic reached the NBA finals where they would fall to the Los Angeles Lakers. As of today, Dwight Howard is a 6 time All Star, 5 time All NBA First Team member, and a 3 time Defensive Player of the Year

No athlete has meant more to the city of Orlando since Shaquille O’Neal. Now it appears that the magic shall lose another superstar center just entering his prime. I may be in the minority of people who have some sort of sympathy for Dwight. Stan Van Gundy's offense is not too dissimilar to that of Vinny Del Negro's "(insert star name here) do everything" it was pretty much three step process.

 1. Look for the lob to Dwight.

 2. Look for Dwight in the post
 3. If 1 and 2 fail, shoot a three. 


So I hear you guys run plays. Tell me what it’s like.

On defense Dwight was pretty much the only stopper for majority of his time there. He was the entire offense outside of three point shooting, and the entire defense. Also, I’m sure Otis Smith’s presence made it harder for Dwight wear the blue and black. Some of his greatest hits include, wisely not over paying Hedo Turkoglu after the 2009 season, only to turn around and trade for him using the teams only other defensive player (Mickael Pietrus). Matching the $34 million dollar offer sheet on Marcin Gortat just so he could play back up to Dwight Howard. And acquiring Brandon Bass’ fatter, dumber, counterpart in a sign in trade that would cost $26 million.

 All of this considered, I can understand why Dwight would request a trade. In fact, it’s probably better that he did request a trade because it would allow the Magic to try and get something of value, rather than him leaving the team high and dry. Yet it was his indecisive nature that has caused the biggest, most far reaching problems. In March of 2011, the Nets expressed interest in Dwight Howard. With rumors swirling about Dwight’s desire to leave the franchise, Magic CEO Bob Vander Weide made a drunken phone call to Dwight pleading for him to stay. (God, I wish I had access to that audio). When the lockout ended, Howard came forward with his trade request. Chaos ensues. Pretty much every team in the association looks at their roster and sees what they could offer to try and acquire the best center on the planet. For example, the Dallas Mavericks declined to resign Tyson Chandler so that they could have cap space to sign Dwight Howard straight up. (Ubershitty idea Mark, Ubershitty idea.) As the trade deadline approached, Dwight appeared to remain firm in his stance that he wanted to leave the organization. But something happened on the team plane on the way back from San Antonio that made Dwight Howard want to change his mind. Perhaps Otis had some nude pics ready to forward to TMZ?  The team announced Howard would remain with the franchise for the 2012-2013 season. I guess some people are gluttons for punishment.

This past April, while meeting with the media, and sipping a diet Pepsi, Stan Van Gundy announced that that Dwight wanted him fired. Dwight later butted in Kanye style and claimed he had no idea what Stan was talking about. 

dwight stan
Hey Stan. If you’re in danger, blink twice.

Eventually, Dwight's trade demand would be back on. This is the point where most of America lost track of how many times he flipped flopped. Also, this is the point where most of America began to hate his face. But why the sudden change of heart this time? It came out that Dwight was truly torn on what to do, and ended up listening too closely to those around him. Well, for one. What happened to being your own man? Sure, we have all consulted our friends and loved one when facing a tough decision. However, in the end we have to follow our hearts. Letting others influence your life is weak. I feel for the fans of Orlando. It’s like having that girl in your life who you are head over heels for, but she continues to play with your emotions. One moment she seems to be in love with you. The next she's off screwing some doucher she met at the bar and then lies to your face when you ask about it and calls you insecure and then you break up, but you can’t let go so you call her over and over again but she won’t answer the phone but you know she’s there because DAMMIT, I CAN SEE THE LIGHTS ARE ON IN YOUR HOUSE!!!.......sorry, I went to a dark place there. At some point, you've just got to pull yourself away. I think many of the Magic fans have done this by now.
Oh Dwight, you’re such a tease.

The season ended and so did Stan Van Gundy's position as head coach of the Orlando Magic. Soon after, Otis Smith was put out of his misery. The assistant GM Dave Twardzik and several scouts were cut loose as well. They even fired Adonal Foyle, director of player development. The Magic were cleaning house. Was this a last ditch effort to appease Dwight? Or perhaps the Magic were prepping for life post Howard and these were the first series of moves. The Lakers have reportedly dangled Andrew Bynum. The Nets have offered up a bunch of nobodies featuring Brook Lopez. The Rockets have…well I don’t know what the hell the Rockets are doing. One thing is clear.  It has been a very long drawn out saga and we will all be happy to see it come to a close.

Well guys and gals, here's Jason's next submission. I have been waiting for it with baited breath, as I'm sure you have. And with this, I will be giving him a set of keys to the car. Or at least a socket wrench (as in he is now an official contributor with his own "by" line and everything).

Now that I won't need to spend time sifting through his submissions, I'll look for the next person I want to feature. Note: I'm leery of people with their own blogs...while that shows dedication to something, I am seeking someone (or someones plural) to be dedicated to Basketbawful and make it what it once was...a nasty, sarcastic place for semi-literate anonymous people to vent. HA! Kidding. But not really.

The search for more talent continues onward!

2011-2012 NBA Playoff Review
by Jason

With so many key injuries in the Eastern Conference, and the Lockout shortened season, can we put an asterisk on the Miami Heat’s 2012 championship? I think it’s totally fair. Do I hate the Heat? Perhaps. Am I upset that my Mavs got swept in the first round? Yes. Do have any real reason to say the Heat did not deserve to win the title other than pure biased hatred? No. BTW, is it still cool to hate the Heatles? Never the less, I was thoroughly entertained. I present to you, My 2012 NBA Playoff Review. Let us dig in. This was a rough season for the reigning MVP. He missed 27 games due to injury, yet the Bulls still managed to secure the number one seed in the Eastern Conference. After missing so much time, many were skeptical how Rose would fare during the rigorous grind that is the NBA playoffs. Game one started, as Rose got off to a shaky start, shooting 1 for 7 from the field. With a 12 point lead in the 4th qtr, Derrick Rose drove the lane, planted both feet for one of his patented hop steps, and disaster struck.


The diagnosis? Torn ACL. Recovery time? 8-12 months. I’m not certain, but I’m pretty sure Mike Wilbon slept on a tear soaked pillow that night. The Bulls however, put up a valiant effort behind their role players. Omer Asik had a few impressive moments as well. (By the way, he’s the leading candidate for the Player Most Overcompensated Behind a Good Playoff Showing Award. Former winners include Hedo Turkoglu, and Anderson Verajao.) However, in the end, all of the Bulls' effort could not overcome the vortex of Carlos Boozer’s suckage. Playoff totals of 14.4 ppg (meh), 10.4 rebounds (not bad), 41% FG% (yuck), $13.5 million dollars for the season (DAYUM!) The 76ers take the series in 6 games, advancing to the 2nd round of the playoffs. San Antonio/Utah. I’m not sure if there was any doubt how this one would turn out. Well, maybe just a little bit. The Spurs were the number 1 seed going into the playoffs in 2011, and managed to get stomped in the first round by the 8th seeded Grizzlies. Some were wondering if they’d suffer this year. However, the Spurs made it clear within the first two games, they weren’t going to screw around with the Jazz. Largely because the Spurs seemed to be playing with 6 guys whenever Devin Harris was on the floor. 3.8 ast per game. 3.0 turnovers per game. 39% fg%....The San Antonio Spurs featuring Devin Harris take the series in a 4 game sweep.

devin press
Devin Devin!!! You and the other Spurs players seem to have great chemistry.
Tell us how you guys gelled together so well.

The 2/7 matchup in the East featured the Miami Heat versus the New York Knicks. With so much drama and turmoil, I’m just glad the Heat were able to put the Knicks out of their misery. But instead of a peaceful euthanasia, it was more of a series of blows to the head with a rock. Already missing Linsanity due to a season ending torn meniscus, the Knicks were forced to start Baron “B. Diddy” Davis at point guard. Which also meant that Mike “Mini Me” Bibby would have to be put into the rotation? The Knicks post season was practically over before it even started. During game 1, Iman Shumpart, the Knicks best perimeter defender, went down with a torn ACL. After Game 2, Amare Stoudemire, channeling his inner crouching tiger, punched the glass encasing to a fire extinguisher, leaving a massive cut on his palm. This forced him to sit for game 3, in which the knick also lost.

amare box
Float like a butterfly

They managed to steal game 4 despite B. Diddy suffering a vomit inducing knee injury. Miami’s defense ensured there would be no discount double checking. They would hold both Amare and Tyson to below their season avg’s in scoring. In short, they thoroughly kicked their asses. The Heat were finally able to put the Knickerbockers down in 5 games. When Kevin Durant and the Oklahoma City Thunder were pitted against the Dallas Mavericks, they had one thing in mind...Sweet, bloody, lustful, vengeance. When the Mavs eliminated them last year, Durant crouched to the floor, one hand covering his mouth, the other caressing the playoff logo. This year’s team was on a mission, and no way in hell were a bunch of geezers gonna stop them this time. Durant was looking like the second best player in the NBA. Westbrook was playing more within the team (even though his assist were down). Harden just won 6th man of the year. Ibaka was a shot blocking machine. And Kendrick Perkins' titties shrank from a solid C cup to a respectable A. The old, tired, depleted Mavs served only as mere appetizer. OKC dismantles the Mavs in 4. But its, ok, the Mavs have all that great cap room to use on free agents this summer (oh, umm...Dammit!!)

durant kidd
Outta my way Gramps.

The Pacers faced off against the Magic in a 3/6 matchup of teams who had literally zero chance of winning the title. Watching this series felt like I was watching the NIT tournament. You knew there would be a winner, but you also knew in the back of your mind that it really didn’t matter. With Dwight Howard sitting out the remainder of the season with a herniated disk, the playoff hopes of an entire city rested squarely on the shoulders of this man...

davisfloor Here we see the wild Davis stalk its prey, the cheeseburger

But seriously, Big Baby actually had a pretty strong series. 19ppg, 9rbs, and 1 block. However, with no Dwight Howard, the Pacers were in no real danger loosing this series. I know Dwight is a self centered, whinny, coach killing, wishy washy douche. But his defensive presence cannot be understated. He’s literally the sole reason why Orlando isn’t swimming in suckage year in and year out. Pacers win in 5. When Javale McGee got traded to Denver at the trade deadline, I felt a sense of pure joy. For I knew, that there would be at a minimum, 4 nationally televised games featuring the most unintentionally funny player in the NBA. McGee was the inspiration behind NBA TV’s weekly segment, “Shaqtin’ a Fool”. A weekly countdown of the NBA most McGee-iest bloopers. However, once the series go underway, Javale made sure there would be no more jokes at his expense. Javale, looked…normal. I’m not sure if I like the new McGee. Who is this guy? I feel strange. It’s like seeing your old drinking buddy settle down and get married. They trade in their “wiener rides” t-shirts and Mustang in for a much more toned down cardigan and a mini-van. The party is over. I don’t know who Mr. McGee is, but want (need) JaFail back in my life. *sigh*. Where was I? Yes, Denver/Lakers. Kobe Bean Bryant continued not give a single fuck what Mike Brown had to say. For this series, Kobe averaged 24 FGA per game while making 11 FG’s per game. Question: Who would you rather have, 2012 Kobe, or Tmac in his Prime? Is there really a difference? Prime Tmac and the Lakers take the series in an unexpected 7 games.

javale claws
Hey Javale, since you’re like an adult and stuff, I call dibs on your Wolverine claws

The Celtics faced the Hawks in the East's 4/5 matchup. This would be the 11th time the two teams have met in the post season. This was a fantastic series. It got off to a hot start in game 1. Jeff Teague and Josh Smith throwing down ferocious dunks left and right. In the final minutes of the 4th qtr, Rajon Rondo decides chest bump an official whilst yelling at him for a blown call. Quite possibly the dumbest thing you can do in close playoff game. (The ghost of Jafail, has possessed a new body I see). The ref immediately tosses him and the Celtics fall to the Hawks in game 1. Game 2 was also special. One of my favorite players is Dirk Nowitzki. And I feel that those who appreciate Dirk must also have a fair amount of respect for Paul Pierce. They were drafted 9th and 10th in 1998. Both are members of the 20,000 point club. And both face been the face of their respective franchises for some time now. On this night Paul Pierce showed us all why he was the truth. Facing a 0-2 deficit, Pierce dropped 36 points 14 rebounds, and 1 Tebow. Despite Al Horford coming back for games 5 and 6, the Celtics still manage to take the series.

rondo bump
Uh, Rondo…personal space

Griz/Clips. This was the series I was most excited for. Rudy Gay making his playoff debut. Nick young aka "Swaggy P" was bound to do something that would either make you scratch your head or scream in excitement. Super athletes Blake Griffin and Deandre Jordan head to head against the skillful ground based attacks of Zach Randolph and Marc Gasol. And let's not forget, CP3. Yes, he can annoy the hell out of most fans, but my GOD, is he good at basketball. Game 1 started and grizzles were off to blazing start. The Clippers proceeded to get the living snot kicked out of them for the first 3 and a half quarters. CP3, couldn’t make his usual impact. Blake, went from Seattle Shawn Kemp, to Cleveland Shawn Kemp. Caron Butler injured his hand and was forced to sit the rest of the game. And Vinny Del Negro was, well, Vinny Del Negro. Everything was going Memphis' way up until the 4th quarter. Down 21 points, all hope seemed lost. But the clippers bench of Mo Williams, Nick Young, Reggie Evans, Kenyon Martin, and Eric Bledsoe fueled the comeback. This was one of those "did that just happen moments?" . As the final buzzer sounded, a cloud of depression blanketed the Fed Ex Forum. I think I saw a fan with a single tear roll down his cheek American Indian style. I’d cry too if someone came in and took a deuce all over my favorite team. This series went back and forth over the course of seven games. But thanks to the efforts of OJ Mayo the clippers managed to come out on top. by doing so, ensuring that Vinny Del Negro would remain employed another year.

I think he’s holding back his rage vomit

In the second round we saw the Indiana Farmers versus the South Beach Douchebags. These two teams were complete opposites. Miami consisting of three superstars. Well, two superstars and one pseudo-star/dinosaur. While Indiana had no stars, and was built through good drafting and smart trades. On paper, it looked like Miami would have some trouble with the Pacers. While they had no true go to player, they relied on a team concept in take down opponents. When Chris Bosh went down with a strained abdominal, the Heat seemed to be in trouble. The Pacers were feeling confident. Particularly one Pacer, Danny Granger. I do not like Lebron James. But when I saw Danny Granger get in his face, I immediately wanted him and the Heat to stomp the Pacers. Some people should just be put in their place. On his best day, he’s a shitty Rudy Gay. Hey Danny Granger……you’re Danny Granger….just wanted to remind you. Despite the fact that Miami was playing without Chris Bosh, and Udonis Haslem, the Pacers could not take advantage. Davis West and Roy Hibbert were not able to really establish that dominant post presence. This lead to Larry Legend famously calling his team soft. The Pacers fought hard, but in the end, Lebron James and Dwayne Wade were just too much to handle.

Charles Oakley, Rick Mahorn, Bill Laimbeer…….Danny Granger

After lasting a seven game series against the Memphis Grizzlies, the Los Angeles Clippers had to face the red hot San Antonio Spurs. This was pretty brutal. Blake Griffin was suffering from a bum knee. And Chris Paul was hobbled by a sore hip. It didn’t help that the Spurs were coming off an eight day layoff. Chris Paul just wasn’t right from the start and it showed. He only scored 6 points in game 1 and averaged only 12.8 for the series. That pretty much spelled doom for the Clippers. After all, Del Negro’s idea of offense consisted of “CP3 do everything”. Seriously, watch the Clippers in their half court sets. If Griffin or Jordan aren’t in dunking range, and the wings, can’t shake their man, it’s all Chris Paul. He literally has to use almost every move in his arsenal at times to score. Crossover, hesitation dribble, spin move, tear drop. Then two plays later, In an out, double crossover, between the legs, step back, fade away. No wonder he started breaking down late in the season. I’m glad the Spurs won this series; it meant the end of the Blake Griffin Amish playoff beard.

vinny cp3
Chris, I just need you to give a little bit more effort.

The Sixers took on the Celtics in a back and forth 7 game battle. On paper it was a battle of youth versus battle tested experience. The young run and gun Sixers fought hard the whole series. Role players like Spencer Hawes step up in major moments. (Also another candidate for the Player Most Likely to be Overcompensated by a Good Playoff Showing Award. I like handing out fake awards.) After game 5 Garnett called the Sixer's faithful "fair weather fans". That may be true in the fact that they don't have a strong showing when the Sixers are struggling. But when they are in the playoffs, opposing players definitely feel their presence. For one, half the arena shows up in ridiculous outfits. I mean one guy even showed up in a Michael Sweetney costume...


Philadelphia’s up and down fast breaking efforts were no match for the Celtics. Boston wins a thrilling 7 game series to advance to the conference semi's. Despite all Kobe’s efforts to literally shoot the Lakers to death, they managed to advance to the second round where they faced to OKC thunder. Remember that sweet, bloody lustful, vengeance spoke of earlier? It looked like the thunder's thirst hadn’t been quenched. With Ron Artest's elbow imprint still visible on the side of James Harden's head, the thunder came out swinging. Blasting the Lakers by nearly 30 points shooting 53% from the floor and putting up a 39 point 3rd qtr. But the Thunder weren't the only ones on a mission. My theory is that Kobe’s goal was to get Mike Brown fired. Shooting .389, .360, .360, .429, and .545 with zero assists. (That last one was just to mess with everyone's heads.) By doing so, he effectively gave a middle finger to any idea of team basketball. This entire season had to have been some form of protest. I admire his commitment actually. Kobe is a great, great player, don’t get me wrong. But I just can’t figure out how a guy can spam that many jumpers, and not see any problem with it. The Thunder end up embarrassing the Lakers in five games.

kobe yelling
Don’t you EVER let me catch you shooting again!!!

Heat. Celtics. Eastern Conference Finals. Kevin Garnett was playing the best basketball he's played in years. It was going to be interesting to see what would happen when he went up against the Heat who were without Chris Bosh for the first half of the series. Without Bosh, Garnett averaged 20.5 ppg and 10.7 rpg. But With Bosh, Garnett had a more subdued 17.3 and 7.6. Even if The Boshtrich's numbers weren’t great, his presence was still felt. Lebron had a fantastic series. There I said it. (I think a need a shower) With the Celtics on the verge of victory taking a 3-2 series lead after 5, Lebron walked into TD garden on June 7th, 2012, and took a massive dump all over the Celtics franchise. This was a historical game, this was the type of game that will cause people lie and say they were in the building when it happened. I have many criticisms of Lebron's game. (Streaky jumper, no post game, not a great three point shooter, pretty much meh from the ft line) but all those things didn't matter on this night. This was the Lebron we had been hearing about all these years. It was like if Bigfoot walked across the TV during the State of the Union Address and got abducted by aliens. On this night, he was truly the king. 19-26 shooting for 73% on the night totaling 45 points. Throw in 15 rebounds, 5 assist and 50% from 3 while you’re at it. That’s a video game stat line. Lebron forced game 7 in Miami where they would eventually take the series in a 101-88 finally.

Beast mode: [on] off

When the San Antonio Spurs won the first two games against the Oklahoma City Thunder, it looked as if no one could stop that train. The Spurs had won every playoff game so far and had a total winning streak of 20 games. Tim Duncan looked the best he has been in years. Tony Parker was playing his best basketball ever. Manu Ginobili was healthy. And guys like Stephan Jackson and Boris Diaw were relevant again. This team was so good; they couldn’t even find room to squeeze Dejaun Blair onto the court. You know former Big East Player of the Year and 2010 NBA All Rookie team member. He was the eleventh best player on that roster. Popovich coached the shit out of that team. That why I was shocked when the Thunder suddenly won four games in a row. I’m honestly not sure how it happened. But somehow, the Thunder did the impossible. The national consensus after game 2, was that the Spurs were set the win their 5th NBA title since 1999. I believe we witnessed a changing of the guard. Let’s take roll. Old Mavs: check, old Lakers: check, old Spurs: check. Yup, it’s official. The Thunder are the new top dog in the west. That happened a lot faster than expected. The Mavs and Lakers were responsible for the past three titles and the Spurs seemed to be on the uptick again. I guess there always comes a day then the little brother isn’t so little anymore. The Thunder advance to the finals for the first time since come to Oklahoma City. And sadly, that meant no more Charles Barkley on Inside the NBA.

Timeout: Who’s got the Icy Hot?

The 2012 NBA Finals. The Thunder were the favorites to take home the Larry O’Brien this year. There were questions to be answered. Would Lebron fade into the backdrop like last year? How would the young Thunder perform on the biggest stage? How would Dwayne Wade's knee hold up? A few things that I noticed in this series. Not only is Thabo Sefolosha the worst dunker in the NBA, he's also the worst offensive wing player in the NBA. I haven’t looked it up to make an official comparison, but for the sake of this review, I’m just gonna say he is. Thabo shot 29% from the floor for the series. And what’s worse, he seems like he pretty much has the green light to fling poop at the rim whenever he feels the urge. The other thing I noticed, Mario Chalmers' swag level is through the roof. He really believes he's good. The ONLY reason Chalmers ever scores, is because the defense is worried about the Big 3. In other words, opposing teams totally forget he even exists, which allows him to sneak a few points in. Mario Chalmers is the new Derek Fisher.

Thanks guys. But, I couldn’t have done it with the help of my teammates.

The Thunder took game 1 with Durant scoring 17 points in the 4th qtr. Lebron had a so-so 4th qtr of 7 points. All the questions started to creep back in. Could Lebron deliver when it mattered most? In game 2, Miami squandered at 15 point lead and were in danger of falling behind 2 games to the Thunder. Despite the feverish comeback, Lebron and the Heat were able to hold off OKC and tie the series. At this point, Battier has 9 threes is two games. Championship teams always seem to get that unexpected contribution from somewhere on their roster in big moments. This was one of those moments. After this game, it was obvious, Lebron was not shooting jumpers. The entire series, he made a point to put his head down and get into the paint a much as possible. The Heat took game 3 with Lebron dropping 29 and 14. Durant, again, struggled to stay out of foul trouble. He only managed 25 and 6. Not bad numbers, but the Thunder clearly needed more. In game 4, Russell Westbrook turned in to a miniature version of Lebron in game 5 of the Eastern Conference Finals. Pure and total Beast mode. With Durant adding in 28 points and Lebron having to sit the last portion of the 4th due to muscle (menstrual) cramps, how could the Thunder possibly lose? Mario Chalmers. He managed to score 25 points matching Dwayne Wade's output. This game will enshrine Chalmers into the Hall of Fame inside his own mind. Down 3 games to 1, it was pretty much over for the Thunder. In game 5, when the heat jumped up to 88-63, every soul in South Beach started to rejoice. Fist bumps, and bro hugs swept through the America Airlines Arena. As the confetti fell, Lebron's middle fingers were raised (figuratively). We couldn’t call him a chocker, we couldn’t use any 4th qtr jokes, and we couldn’t say he was afraid of the spotlight. Unless he signs a deal with Rogaine, all we have now are hairline jokes.

Rampant injuries, the fall of a champion, fire extinguisher assaults, past playoff demons being exercised. I left the buffet table stuffed, yet satisfied. It may not have ended the way many of the fans would have preferred, but this was a spectacular playoff none the less. Lebron James is no longer public enemy number 1. That distinct honor has now moved to Dwight Howard. That is, until he wins a title. I look forward to next season and all that she may have in store.
Ok, let's put aside for the moment:
  • My search for a talented somebody to supplement our posts (still waiting on that playoff analysis, Jason. See? Not so easy to keep pumping out pure gold, is it? ;)
  • That Dwight Howard may be the most self-absorbed human being on the face of the earth
  • That Ray Allen stuck a dagger into my soul
  • That my homey, Steve Nash, is now a Laker
Out of pure curiosity, I must know, what in the ever-loving hell are you doing with your free time, Mr. Nash? Bawful and I both love Nash (Bawful even placed him above Larry Bird in his "Favorite Player of all time" category - to which I think he's plum loco. Nash remains numero deux in my book by a great margin), but it's stuff like this that makes me think hanging with Nash would be like hanging out with Jim Carrey or Robin Williams on a lemme-show-you-my-schtick day - really, really cool and fun for about an hour, and then mind-churningly annoying:

And what in the hell is he doin outside that bathroom stall? For a second it looks like he's stroking more than threes...

Nash is at his best with well-produced stuff like this:

But Stevy-baby, don't just turn on the camera and film every time you've had a few drinks and get a "goofy" idea...it takes away from the mystery and majesty of Steve Nash, even more than becoming a Laker does...
I know I said I'd post Monday, but there were some picture issues to resolve. Hopefully, however, you find this to be worth the wait:

I present to you our submission from Jason (who's Bawful persona is custom made to adopt the surname of Voorhees, complete with the hockey mask pic and...whatever it was Jason carried around to kill people...This dude may have the stuff. He already has one vote (mine), which fortunately for him is worth 10 (maybe 20)... ...anyway, enjoy this. I laughed out loud several times.



 The 2011-2012 NBA Regular Season 

bron holding larry

The abbreviated NBA season has come and gone we (most of the Heat hating public) are left in a rage filled semi daze. The Miami Heat are two days removed from hoisting their second NBA Championship. Lebron has quieted the naysayers (except for most of the Bron hating public), and thousands of Chris Bosh related gifs have launched onto the interwebs. As I write this, I sit alone, in a dimly lit room, hoody pulled overhead, with an empty bottle of Captain Morgan by my side, wondering what went wrong. The bad guys won, justice was not served, and the evil empire has begun their reign of terror on the world.

bron ugly
Pictured: Pure. Fucking. Evil. 

The 2011-2012 NBA season finally began after the new collective bargaining agreement was signed. We fans missed 16 games as the players union and the owners struck out a new deal. During that time players were not allowed access to NBA facilities, spawning YouTube mixes of John Wall and Brandon Jennings crossing over a bunch of no names on blacktops across America. The only thing we had to look forward to were highlights from the Drew League and the occasional yet hilarious Michal Jordan outfit.

 blue jordan

During the offseason, Mike Brown, Mark Jackson, and Lawrence Frank were hired as head coaches…Yes, that actually happened. Wikipedia confirmed it. In December, Lord Stern famously nixed a three way deal between the Lakers, Hornets, and Rockets that would have sent Chris Paul from the league owned Hornets to the Lakers. In the aftermath, Lamar “The Lamb” Odom was so distraught at the thought of the Lakers trading him, that he…um...demanded a trade. David Stern later sited “Basketball reasons” as to why he canceled the deal.

stern dictator 
 Bow before me 

Christmas rolls around and we are treated to a rematch of last season’s finals. The Dallas Mavericks versus the Miami Heat. Please allow me to vent for a moment. I am a lifelong Maverick fan. I have had to endure years of embarrassments and ridicules as I watch my hometown team get bounced in the first or second round eight times out of eleven years (2001-2011). In 2011 we finally climb that mountain, we overcame that hurdle. The Mavs made one of the more impressive runs in recent memory. Dirk and the little Mavs defeated Lamarcus Aldridge, Andrew Bynum, Pau Gasol, Kobe Bryant, James Harden, Russell Westbrook, Kevin Durant, Chris Bosh, Dwayne Wade, and Lebron James. All while claiming the ultimate prize over the same team that stole it from them five years earlier. It was one of the most beautiful sports moments that I have ever known. An event that will live in my heart forever…And then this guy happened…

Mavericks Lakers Basketball  
If I call everyone stupid, maybe I’ll look smart 

Mark Cuban let Tyson Chandler, Caron Butler, JJ Barea, Deshawn Stevenson, and Corey Brewer all walk away, so that the Mavs could have a chance to acquire Deron Williams and Dwight Howard. By doing so, the Mavs Cuban threw up the white flag without even attempting a title defense. Markey Mark tries to save face by accepting a freshly butt hurt Lamb Odom from the Lakers. FUCK!!! /rant EDIT: I forgot to mention one key free agent that the Mavs managed to resign over the summer.

Don’t worry Mavs fans, I got this one.

The mavericks proceed to get steamrolled by the Heat on opening day, setting up the theme for the rest of the season. Chris Paul eventually made his way to Los Angeles. Only this time it'd be for the other pro basketball team. A team so filled will flubs, follies, and fuck ups, that they could have their own wing in the Bawful Hall O Shame. Blake griffin was seen on video dancing in joy at the news of his newest teammate's pending arrival. Lob City was born. Chris Paul turned the Clippers from joke to contender overnight. Fans, new and old started to pour out of the woodworks. And due to the rise in national TV games, I realized that the corpse of Brian Cook was still in the NBA. In his unofficial rookie season, Blake Griffin was beloved, he could do no wrong. This past season, he has received harsh criticism about his game (rightfully so at times) and honestly, he really does himself no favors. I mean, I didn’t think that Chris Paul would ever have a teammate that could manage out flop him. Not to mention, work the refs the entire game yet hardly see a technical called against him. I submit to you, the many faces of Blake Griffin:

  blakeflop2 blakeflop3 blakeflop5 blakeflop6

Jeremy Lin saved the Knicks. Maybe not literally anyway. The Knicks weren’t on a Sacramento Kings-esque brink of leaving town or anything. But he did save the season. As of February 4, 2012 the Knicks were 9-15 and had dropped 11 out of their last 13 games. The two wins coming against the Detroit Pistons and the Charlotte Bobcats. New York’s Big Three didn’t seem to be working out and the only thing bigger than Mike D’Antoni’s teeth were the beads of sweat on this forming on his forehead. After nearly being waived, Lin burst onto the national scene with a 25 point explosion against the Deron Williams and the New Jersey Nets. He followed that up with a 28 point outing against the Jazz, and a 23 point game against the Wizards. Before his game against the Lakers, Kobe Bryant stated “I don’t even know what he’s done” Oooohhh Snap son!!!.... But in fairness I don’t think this was some form of psychological gamesmanship on Kobe’s part. I don’t think he or any of the other Lakers knew a damn thing about him. There’s no way they could have, judging by the way Lin sliced up the defense the way he did. That or Mike Brown is just that bad of a coach…
Just play it cool and maybe they won’t realize I don’t really know what I’m doing. 

 After a six game losing streak in March, Mike D. was fired decided to resign as head coach of the Knicks. Seems like not even Linsanity could prevent the looming termination resignation. The only bawful thing about Jeremy Lin’s season was that it had to end so abruptly. (That and the excessive turnovers) News came of a torn meniscus and that was the end of Linsanity, for now anyway. I’ve had the unfortunate fortune of rooting for some truly pathetic Mavericks teams. Particularly during the 90’s. But something should be said for anyone who was a season ticket holder for the Charlotte Bobcats. They should be given some type of award. Or possibly a charitable donation. The Billy Crystal Fund for Fans of Horrible Franchises. Bad, terrible, pathetic. These words just don’t seem to do this team justice. We may need to create a new word. Megasucktastic. Ubershit. Facepalmerific. This team has mastered failure in a way we have never seen before. They’re the MacGyver of failure. When you enter the season as Corey Maggette as your leading scorer, you’re in for some dark days. Not only were the Queen City Kitties losing, they were losing by league leading margins. (-13.9 point differential). Yikes. Btw, can someone please explain to me how Boris Diaw can come into that league playing small forward as a rookie, and then ends up playing center by his 9th season. I know crepes are delicious and all, but geez. Seeing as how all of their suckage didn’t win them the number 1 overall pick in the 2012 draft, I think bawful should bestow them the honor of having their logo enshrined to the collage on the home page.


The lockout ended, David Stern flexed his muscles, The Clippers were relevant, We saw a spike in “Lin” related words, and the Bobcats showed us the true meaning of bawful. All in all, this was one of the more memorable NBA regular seasons. Even for the lone fact that we had professional basketball every night. (Excluding all Bobcats, Pistons, Kings, and Wizards games). Stay tuned for my review of the 2011-2012 NBA Playoffs.