Kevin must have just looked at himself in a mirror

Important reading: Jonathan Abrams' "An oral history of the Malice in the Palace."

The best part?
"Bill Laimbeer didn't seem to be particularly bothered by it. He was kind of nonplussed by the whole thing."
Of course.

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

Pistons owner Tom Gores: "Hey look! We scored 68 points tonight! That's good, right?"

Well, how would YOU react if you suddenly grew a third arm?

Free piggyback rides with every victory!

Here We Stay! (sorry, I should have posted this under Best of the Night...)

Nationally Televised Games:

Bulls at Spurs, ESPN, 9:00pm: Derrick Rose has apologized for letting down the fans and missing a free throw Tuesday night and killing Free Big Mac Excitement. Yes, this actually happened. No, this is not satire from The Onion.

All The Other Games:

Thunder at 76ers, 7:00pm: The last time the Sixers played, they held the Pistons to 31.6% shooting. Pretty sure the Thunder could shoot better than that playing with those tiny ass rims they use at carnival basketball games to keep you from winning stuffed animals.

Magic at Wizards Generals, 7:00pm: Breaking news: Andray Blatche wore Uggs to the DMV.

Warriors at Hawks, 7:30pm: After getting pummeled Tuesday night, Mark Jackson had this to say about his Warriors: "This is not our brand of basketball." Okay then. So what IS their brand of basketball? Are they some generic knockoff brand? Are they the basketball equivalent of someone buying you a Rolecks watch?

Bucks at Celtics, 7:30pm: Just look at all the similarities! Both teams ended long losing streaks in their most recent games. And both were won on last-minute plays. And both teams kind of suck.

Bobcraps at Pistons, 7:30pm: Mother of God. The only offense is in this game will be the way it offends viewers.

Cavaliers at Knicks, 7:30pm: Linsanity is now New York City street art. Yep.

Craptors at Hornets, 8:00pm: Dwane Casey on his Toronto squad: "Basketball plays and basketball decisions have to get better." So in other words EVERYTHING has to get better. Duly noted, Coach.

Mavericks at Grizzlies, 8:00pm: Zach Randolph participated in the non-contact portion of the Grizzlies' Monday practice. Z-Bo!! Here's to hoping he comes back and entertains us again very soon.

Trail Blazers at Nuggets, 9:00pm: Portland recently signed Joel Przybilla for added depth at center. When the Vanilla Gorilla is an important signing, I am not sure what that says about your team.

Rockets at Jazz, 9:00pm: The Rockets are about to start a stretch where they play on the road 8 times in 11 games. They have only put up a 6-10 road record this year so far. Ruh roh.

Timberwolves at Lakers, 10:30pm: Kobe has a broken nose. I fully expect to see him try to play hero ball to prove it won't slow him down any.

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Every year we honor the best players in the NBA with an exciting, entertaining All-Star game. So naturally it's only appropriate that we honor the worst players in the NBA with a ridiculous, hopelessly goofy Null-Star game! I'm sure Sprite, State Farm, and all the other sponsors that show up in the game footage are quite proud to be associated with it. (I expect a cease-and-desist letter any day now.)

The Eastern Conference Null-Stars earned home court advantage after their unbelievable domination of the Western Conference Null-Stars in last year's game for their second consecutive victory. The game was simulated in NBA 2K12 with five-minute quarters. I intentionally set the game up to be a bit ridiculous, with the player tendencies set to more "all-star game" style (they were encouraged to go in the paint and shoot threes) but also with their success rate and talent level dropped exceptionally low. You will see how this effected the game very obviously...

The rosters for this game were carefully chosen by reviewing the lacktion reports Chris has tracked all season, utilizing the highly advanced metrics of Marios, trillions, suck differentials, and Voskuhls. Here are your 2011-2012 Basketbawful Null-Stars, along with their most noteworthy lacktive contributions of the season!


(Biedrins, Greene, Childress, Magloire, Walker, and Diop were all DNP-CDs for this game, but are still worthy of being honored as Null-Stars)

Special recognition for Jason Kapono -- he is our only three time Null-Star! Also let's take a moment to celebrate DeSagana Diop, Semih Erden, and Ryan Hollins for each making their second Null-Star game. It's quite an accomplishment to survive in the league for multiple seasons despite being utterly horrible at basketball.

And now, enjoy BawfulTV's coverage of the game. Here's Kevin Harlan, Steve Kerr, and Clark Kellog with the call, and Doris Burke reporting from the sidelines. While we don't have the blown dunks that have graced previous Null-Star games, I am pretty certain you will agree this is the most bawful edition of the game yet.

1st Quarter:

2nd Quarter and Halftime Show:

3rd Quarter:

4th Quarter and Game Recap:

Box score:

Game rundown:

Lacktion report:
For the Western Conference, Devin Ebanks racked up 2 turnovers with no contributory statistics on two shot attempts in his 10 minutes on the floor for a 2:0 Voskuhl and a +4 suck differential. Andrew Goudelock had 2 turnovers and 2 bricks (one from downtown) for a +2 suck differential. Cory Joseph and Josh Selby both cashed in for 2 trillion.

Most Bawful Player:
This is entirely subjective, but the first half performance by Josh McRoberts may be the worst minutes played in professional basketball history. A toddler with vertigo could handle the rock more effectively. But as far as full game performance goes? Isaiah Thomas was a staggering -35 in 12 minutes, with three turnovers and only one rebound.

A couple players such as Jimmer Fredette apparently were involved in some sort of disturbing medical experiment prior to the game, and thus have the head and legs of their usual body, but the arms of a man with much darker skin. It's nearly as bawful as the mass decapitation that occurred last season with Von Wafer's near-chaos dunk.
Maybe LeBron shouldn't have said anything about Cleveland...

It's President's Day! That means it's time for our annual history lesson about George Washington. If you don't watch, he will eat your children.
(Warning: Audio is NSFW!)

Worst of the Night in Pictures:


Linsanity dies against the Hornets. The HORNETS.

Gary Neal can levitate. Neat.

Stan leads his team in a chorus of "Wheels on the Bus"

Doc Rivers: Tap Dancer

Kevin Love always has the best pictures

Nationally Televised Games:

Hawks at Bulls, ESPN, 4:00pm: Derrick Rose is back, you guys!

Celtics at Mavericks, TNT, 8:00pm: Does anyone know if Kevin Garnett is going to play in this one? If not, this one sways from ugly to super ugly.

Trail Blazers at Lakers, TNT, 10:30pm: The Lakers just got whomped by the lowly Suns. If Kobe doesn't come out swinging (and putting up crazy jump shots), I will be very surprised.

All The Other Games:

Nyets at Knicks, 7:30pm: If The Prokhorov still gave a damn about his team, he would have someone break Jeremy Lin's knees in awesomely Russian mobster style before this game. However, he's too busy jumping jetskis over sharks or running for president of Russia or something, so that won't be a concern.

Grizzlies at Rockets, 8:00pm: Revenge game potential, anyone? From the STATS LLC game preview: "Lowry was one of Houston's few bright spots in last Tuesday's loss at Memphis with 24 points and six assists. The Rockets committed 18 turnovers and shot a season-low 38.5 percent. Houston leading scorer Kevin Martin missed all three of his shots in that game and went scoreless for the first time in six seasons."

Magic at Bucks, 8:00pm: Dwight Howard has gone into beast mode every time he's played the Deer in Headlights this month. 18.5 points, 17.0 rebounds and 4.0 blocks. So yeah. Have fun with that, Milwaukee.

Hornets at Thunder, 8:00pm: My girlfriend came over last night while I was watching the start of the Nuggets/Thunder game. She's a basketball fan, but not at all an NBA fan, so we only watched that for a few minutes before popping in a DVD, but I did get to see Kevin Durant start off strong (though Russell Westbrook's nasty two handed jam was more impressive looking). So of course I woke up this morning and read that Durant had 51 last night and I missed most of it. Oops.

Timberwolves at Nuggets, 9:00pm: If the Timberwolves win tonight, they will be over .500 for the season so far. I'll just step back and let your wrap your mind around that one for a second.

There we go.

Wizards Generals at Suns, 9:00pm: Fun fact: this is the only time all season these two teams will meet. The Suns are surely disappointed by this fact.

Spurs at Jazz, 9:00pm: Manu Ginobili is hurt again??

Clippers at Warriors, 10:30pm: Hey, did you know the Clippers haven't had consecutive losses since late December? Oh crap. I just stat jinxed the hell out of them, didn't i? I'm sorry! I didn't mean it!!

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Ready for the most bawful part of Linsanity? The famous 83 year old sex therapist Dr. Ruth Westheimer chimed in today about it!
For those missing out on Lin-sation because of TW-MSG no-deal, I propose you do your own scoring while Knicks are playing. 
What might a good Lin position be? Pick and roll, where you turn over while together so he starts out on top and you switch places. 
Back door play? You can figure that one out. 
Just remember there's no 24 second clock in your bedroom so I don't want you guys stopping and popping too quickly now.
Okay then.

One last bit of Linsanity before we move on. I know these Hitler parody movies are a pretty old, played out meme, but this one still made me laugh out loud a couple times.

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

Honestly, does this even need a caption to be funny?

Strike a pose

Nationally Televised Games:

Celtics at Bulls, TNT, 8:00pm: While this game might be entertaining, it also will teach us essentially nothing about what to expect should these teams battle come playoff time or even later in the season. Tired of all these injuries...

Also, interesting statistic: "Rondo has scored 20+ points in a game six times this season. The Celtics are 2-4 in those games."

Clippers at Trail Blazers, TNT, 10:30pm: Well, since Blake Griffin won't be in the Dunk Contest this year, I suppose he has plenty of time to prepare for tonight's game...

All The Other Games:

Nyets at Pacers, 7:00pm: Well. SOMEBODY has to break out of their losing streak tonight I guess. And it doesn't look good for the Nyets based on this brief analysis on how the compressed season has affected home and road teams in back-to-backs.

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Philadelphia 76ers: The Sixers fell into a 29-16 hole after 12 minutes and never really recovered. It didn't help that their hands couldn't find any faces to get into. To wit: The Magic converted 53.3 percent of their field goals and 60 percent (15-for-25) of their three-point attempts. Ryan Anderson (27 points) drilled seven of those triples. I'm thinkin' Philly should have tried covering that guy.

Said Sixers coach Doug Collins: "They've been shooting like that. Them being solid like that ain't a mystery. ... We had a horrible start to the game, fought back to get in it, had a horrible finish to the second quarter, to get it to within six and then give them a 10-0 run. And then we're fighting uphill the entire night."

Philly now has two losses in a row. Probably nothing, but I keep expecting this team's bubble to pop.

Lou Williams, unintentionally dirty quote machine: "In the past, we have had issues with just banging teams."

The Toronto Craptors: Let's get this out of the way first:

Now onto the Spurs: Holy shit on a stick! Nine wins in a row? Manu Ginobili's been back for three games now? Tony Parker (34 points and 14 assists) playing like the best PG in the league? You look up "flying under the radar" in the dictionary, you'll find these Spurs. Wow.

They still won't go anywhere in the playoffs, but still.

The Boston Celtics: With the lowly Pistons coming to town, Doc Rivers thought it was safe to give Kevin Garnett (hip flexor) the night off, probably in preparation of tonight's game in Chicago. So naturally Detroit came away with a double-digit victory in the TD Garden. Prior to last night, the Pistons had been 2-12 on the road.

As to why the C's got smacked down on their homecourt by a lousy team, take your pick. They shot like crap (44 percent), went only 1-for-6 on threes (and Rondo had the only make), got outrebounded 44-33, and bricked 13 free throws (in a 10-point loss).

Said Rivers: "So far, we've proven we can beat anybody and lose to anybody. That's the maddening part. What we haven't proven is that we can be a consistent basketball team."

On a possibly related subject, the Celtics are now a mere 15-13 despite having played 18 of their first 28 games in Boston. And 14 of their next 19 games are on the road.

This could get ugly, folks.

The Indiana Pacers: After last night's 98-87 loss to the Cadavers, the NBA's Best Kept Secret is not 2-6 in their last eight games.

Now, mind you, seven of the eight were versus teams on the plus side of .500. Of course, Cleveland isn't a winning team...and Indy trailed by as many as 21.

Said Pacers coach Frank Vogel: "It's not an excuse, but I think guys are worn down. It's been a tough stretch of the schedule against a string of good teams and we've had a slew of injuries. It's just something that will come back around."

Ah. I love when somebody says "no excuses" and then gives an excuse.

I'll give David West this much: He's not making excuses: "Good teams don't lose this many games in a row. Right now we can't call ourselves that. We're not playing good enough to be a good team. We just don't have enough resistance. We're letting teams dictate what they want to do offensively. I don't know if we're hoping teams come out and play bad. We're going to have to dig deep and find a way to get out of this."

The New Jersey Nyets: Several season-highs were achieved in last night's Grizzlies-Nyets game. Tony Allen matched season-highs in points (21) and steals (5). Marreese Speights had a season-high 20 points and a career-high 18 boards (which also counts as a season-high). And, of course, the Nyets suffered a season-high seventh consecutive loss.

New Jersey could have stopped their skid at six if they hadn't buttered their fingers in the final minutes. Check out out the following crunch time possessions:
Down 95-93 with 2:39 left: Deron Willians TO
Down 95-93 with 2:03 left: MarShon Brooks TO
Down 97-93 with 1:42 left: Willians TO (Mike Conley steals)
Down 99-93 with 1:31 left: Williams missed three
Down 99-93 with 1:21 left: Anthony Morrow missed three
Down 101-95 with 0:53 left: Brooks TO (steps out of bounds)
Said Morrow: "It was tough, we got a little careless with the ball. Me and Deron one time weren't on the same page and it was probably my fault. I just read my man wrong."

Added Kris Humphries: "The difference between where we want to be at and where we are right now, right now we are a team that turns the ball over three of four possessions with the game on the line. It's no one's fault, in particular, we just have to tighten and be able to play under pressure in the fourth quarter. There is no play you can draw up for that. We just have to play basketball and execute. We didn't give ourselves a chance to win."

Tony Allen, quote machine, Part 1: "At the end of the day it's about the Grizzlies getting a W, whether it's pretty or ugly. We try to do it together. This is a team thing. Ain't nothing pretty for us. We're not going to come out here like the Lakers, where one guy can get it done. We have numerous guys who can get it done."

Tony Allen, quote machine, Part 2: On hitting the go-ahead three: "I'm not going to turn down any shots. As hard as I work on the defensive end, you give a dog a bone every now and then, so I shot it with confidence and it went in."

The Sacramento Kings: The Sactowners wanted to limit the Linsanity and in fact held Jeremy Lin to 10 points on 4-for-6 shooting. Unfortunately for the Kings -- who shot 37.9 percent and lost the battle of the boards 48-35 -- Lin dished out a career-best 13 assists and the Knicks led by as many as 28 points before cruising in for a 100-85 victory.

Said Tyreke Evans: "We wanted to be aggressive, make it hard for (Lin), but he still ran the team and got assists."

Carmelo Anthony: With 'Melo leading the way, the Knicks were 8-15. With 'Melo out and Lin leading the way, New York has won seven in a row and are now 15-15. Suddenly there are questions. Questions about whether 'Melo can blend with Lin. And, yes, the word "selfish" has surfaced.

Said Anthony: "That's like a slap in the face. None of my teammates I've ever played with would say that I was a selfish player. Nobody. It's a tough situation. I'm human at the end of the day, so it's like damn, where is this coming from? I know I'm not a selfish player. People around me know I'm not a selfish player. I do everything I can to make people around me understand I'm not a selfish player."


Anthony continued: "Of course I want to take the last shot, let's be quite frank: I've been doing for nine years already, and I've made a ton of them."

Nope. He's not selfish at all.

The Oklahoma City Thunder: Let's check the Fail Check List.

Failed to contain Kevin "I was held scoreless the night before" Martin (32 points, 10-for-18, 4-for-7 on threes, 8-for-8 from the line)? Check.

Failed to take care of the ball (22 turnovers for 26 points going the other way)? Check.

Failed in crunch time? Well, let's see, shall we?
Up 95-92 with 2:10 left: Russell Westbrook's layup is blocked by Samuel Dalembert
Up 95-92 with 1:43 left: James Harden missed three-pointer
Up 95-92 with 1:20 left: Westbrook missed three
Up 95-94 with 0:41 left: Kevin Durant missed 15-footer
Down 96-95 with 0:15 left: KD missed three
Down 96-95 with 0:11 left: KD missed 17-footer
Down 96-95 with 0:03 left: KD missed 10-footer
Down 96-95 with 0:02 left: Westbrook missed tip shot
Down 96-95 with 0:01: Westbrook missed 77-footer
I'd call that a big check.

Said Durant: "I got where I wanted to get, I just missed the shots. That's what happens. Guys can't expect you to make every shot at the end or you're setting yourself up for failure."

The Milwaukee Bucks: There aren't too many gimmies on the schedule for a team like the Bucks. But the New Orleans Hornets coming to town should have been one of them. Instead, The Deer In The Headlights lost 92-89 on their home court.

Milwaukee shot 38 percent, got outrebounded 48-40, and lost all sight of Marco Belinelli, who scored 22 points on 7-for-10 shooting, including 6-for-7 on threes.

So I ask you: WTF?

Said Brandon Jennings: "It starts with myself. I need to come out with a lot more energy, and I need to play harder. I can't say I've been playing hard the last couple games because I really haven't. I need to look in the mirror and ask myself, 'Is this something that I'm up for?'"

In possibly related news, the Bucks have lost three straight and six of eight. With the six being one of the league's worst teams. Kind of embarrassing, isn't it, Brandon?

Said Jennings: "Of course it is. They're last in the Western Conference, so of course it's embarrassing to lose to a team that's 5-20 [now 6-23] and lose on your home court like that. I really don't know what it is. It don't seem like we have the same passion as we had before. We have to find a way to get that back. It is going to take a team effort."

The Charlotte Bobcraps: Good God. 16 losses in a row?

Said Charlotte coach Paul Silas: "Fuck this shit. You can quote me on that."

I keed. Paul really said: "I thought we did OK against Kevin [Love] because he shot a lot of outside shots. But the other kid. Pep-a-vich his name is? Whatever, he just killed us down there."

Huh. When a coach doesn't even know the name of a guy who blasted his team for 21 points, 11 boards and 3 blocks, is it any wonder his players weren't guarding him?

Physician heal thyself.

The Denver Nuggets: The Nuggets were again minus the services of Nene (left calf strain), center Timofey Mozgov (left ankle sprain) and forward Danilo Gallinari (left ankle sprain). But, great googly moogly, does that explain why they shot 35 percent, clanked 13 free throws and trailed by as many as 31 points?

Said Al Harrington: "We struggled on offense, and that affected our defense. They were just a better team tonight, and we've got to move on."

Okay. Moving on then.

The Phoenix Suns: Despite another great game from Steve "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD FREE HIM!" Nash (22 points, 7-for-14, 16 assists) and a 15-point lead, the Suns got spit-roasted by Josh Smith (30 points, 17 rebounds, 7 assists, 4 steals, 3 blocked shots) and fell apart down the stretch.

There was also at least one occurrence of dubious officiating. From the AP recap:
Atlanta trailed throughout, and by 15 early in the second half, until what amounted to a four-point play with 7:38 remaining. Smith scored on a drive, was fouled and referee Tre Maddox called Nash for a technical. Nash was incredulous afterward but the official ignored him and walked away. Johnson made the technical, and Smith added his free throw to put the Hawks ahead 82-81. That started a 10-0 run that put Atlanta up 88-81 on Green's fast-break layup with 6:27 remaining.

Nash said that he was trying to tell coach Alvin Gentry that Atlanta was going into the zone defense, and the referee thought he said something else.

"It was tough. It really changed the momentum of the game," Nash said. "(Kirk) Hinrich called double-fist, which is their zone defense, so I went to the sideline and I really just mouthed to Alvin, `They're in a double-fist I guess and what zone offense do you want us to run?' and he (Maddox) thought I said, `They're horrible.'

"I don't want to make any comment about the referees. I'll just say it's unfortunate that he misinterpreted what I said. It was just a tough break. It changed the momentum."
You know what else changed the momentum? The Suns' 20 turnovers.

The Washington Wizards Generals: C'mon now. You didn't really think they'd win three road games in a row did you?

The 2012 NBA All-Star Slam Dunk Competition: Chase Budinger, Iman Shumpert, Paul George and Derrick Williams. No Blake Griffin. Looks like I'll be skipping this one.

Chris' Lacktion Ledger:
Spurs-Craptors: Cory Joseph bricked once from Yonge Street and added a foul and turnover in 170 seconds for a celebratory +3.

Sixers-Magic: Francisco Elson cleared out a plumbing system in 55 seconds to give Philadelphia a Mario.

Pistons-Celtics: Jermaine "The Drain" O'Neal countered a pair of boards and one free throw in 21:55 with a turnover and a near-foulout for a 6:3 Voskuhl.

Grizzlies-Nyets: Jannero Pargo missed twice from the field in 5:15, fouled once, and lost the rock thricely for a +6!

Pacers-Cavs: The shores of the Cuyahoga were cash-laden tonight, as Indiana's Jeff Pendergraph wired himself 2.95 trilion (2:58) while Luke Harangody of the Cavs collected a 1.2 trillion check (74 seconds).

Bobcats-Wolves: Minnesota's Anthony Tolliver struck it rich with a 1.85 trillion (112 seconds)!

Hawks-Suns: Erick Dampier fouled once in 103 seconds to give the dirty birds a +1 and a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl!

Blazers-Warriors: Kurt Thomas took in three boards and two points in 11:47, only to turn over the ball twice and foul four times for a 6:5 Voskuhl.

Meanwhile, East Oakland's Ekpe Udoh augmented a board in 20:34 with two fouls and two turnovers for a 4:1 Voskuhl.

Generals-Clippers: Roger Mason Jr. tossed a brick from the Library Tower at King Koopa in just 41 seconds, earning a +1 and Mario for the sad sack Generals!

Meanwhile, Travis Leslie lost the rock once in 132 seconds for a +1.


Aww! Jeremy Lin found someone to be his Valentine last night!

Back to the grind. Let's do this.

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

If he keeps growing that beard, we'll have to change his nickname from Birdman to Mountain Man

Sad Suns bench is sad, as always...

Why does everyone in this picture look so surprised??

Nationally Televised Games:

Grizzlies at Nyets, NBA TV, 7:30pm: You know times are tough in New Jersey when they're excited about the prospect of getting DeShawn Stevenson back on the court soon.

Trail Blazers at Warriors, ESPN, 10:00pm: The Blazers have to be livid about giving up 124 points to the Generals last night and being thoroughly embarrassed. This game should be more intense than a Mark Gormley song.

So Intense

All The Other Games:

76ers at Magic, 7:00pm: Okay, I am just going to quote the STATS LLC game preview word for word here, because I simply can't make this any better than it already is. Behold:
[Dwight] Howard drew headlines following Saturday's 99-94 win in Milwaukee, telling Fox Sports Wisconsin that he wants to be the closer for Orlando (18-11) and that coach Stan Van Gundy needs to have confidence in him to finish off opponents.
It seemed like a somewhat odd request considering Howard is hoping to be traded. Not helping his case is his 49.4 percent mark from the free-throw line, which would be 19th-worst all-time for a full season.
Spurs at Craptors, 7:00pm: The Spurs are on their longest winning streak of the season. Take that, Rodeo Trip!

Pistons at Celtics, 7:30pm: The Celtics have finally started to play some good basketball. So of course they are fighting injuries with Garnett, Bass, O'Neal, AND Pietrus. That being said, wasn't it pretty much a lock that this team would have SOME kind of injury problems this year?

Pacers at Cavaliers, 7:30pm: Kyrie Irving's back! Which leads to an Unintentionally Dirty Quote Machine moment from Ramon Sessions talking about Irving in practice: "Young fella looked good."

Kings at Knicks, 7:30pm: Per Metta World Peace, "The only issue I have with Jeremy Lin is he should switch to METTAsoft word instead of LINdows....." I believe I speak for all of us when I say... I'm sorry, what??

Also, this is the best photoshop you will see all day.

Thunder at Rockets, 8:00pm: Kevin Martin is the Rockets' leading scorer, but has only averaged 7.3 points over his last six games. That's an awfully deep discount on the Blue Light Special!

Hornets at Bucks, 8:00pm: You guys! This is the best new Twitter account out there: DrewGooden4MVP. Case in point, just look at this gem: "For all you single people out there on Valentine's Day just remember one thing, Drew Gooden loves you. #drewgooden #gooden4mvp #fearthedeer"

Bobcraps at Timberwolves, 8:00pm: I hate to say anything to potentially stat curse it, but I am tired of being quiet about it. Are we on the verge of an historically bawful season? The Bobcraps are just stupendously terrible, folks.

Nuggets at Mavericks, 8:30pm: Nene AND Timofey Mozgov might both be out for this game. Get ready for the Mavs to pull down a lot of boards.

Hawks at Suns, 9:00pm: Well, I guess it'd be hard for the Suns to shoot much worse than they did last night. So there's nowhere to go but up. That's something!

Wizards Generals at Clippers, 10:30pm: (Sorry, can't preview. Still in shock from the Generals winning consecutive road games...)


lin did it again
All your basketball are belong to Lin.

The Indiana Pacers: The NBA's Best Kept Secret was outscored 33-16 in the first quarter, 68-39 in the first half, and trailed by as many as 35 points before losing 105-90. And this happened to the Pacers in Indiana after two days off against a Heat team that was playing the third game of a back-to-back-to-back stretch and its fourth road game in five nights.

Mind you: The Pacers were trying to avenge a 35-point loss they suffered in Miami last month.

The Heat even did some clowning at Indy's expense. From the AP recap: "Things were going so well at halftime that James turned to the crowd and acted like he was reeling in a fish. Then during a third-quarter timeout, Mike Miller grabbed something resembling a rope from the team trainer and acted like he was going to bring in a steer. There were smiles all around all night long."

Unless you were a Pacers fan.

Said Roy Hibbert: "Pretty embarrassing. They just hit us at the start and we just weren't able to recover. ... None of us came ready to play tonight."

Bonus stat: The Pacers shot 2-for-15 from three-point range.

The Toronto Craptors: Linsanity continued in Toronto last night:

And this continued as well:

Jeremy Lin (28 points, 11 assists, 1 game-winning shot) played great, of course, the the Craptosaurs didn't do themselves any favors by choking away a 17-point lead and committing 9 of their 19 turnovers in the fourth quarter.

Said Toronto coach Dwane Casey: "It should not have come to (Lin's) play. We had some many boneheaded plays to get to that play and to make that play relevant. We should have taken care of business before that."

Mike D'Antoni, quote machine, Part 1: "I'm just glad it went like this so we can calm the Linsanity down."

Mike D'Antoni, quote machine, Part 2: "You just watch and you're in awe. He held it until five tenths of a second left. He was pretty confident that was going in, no rebounds, no nothing. That ball was being buried."

Shane Battier, tweet machine: "Chuck Norris may wear Tebow pajamas but I'm pretty sure he has a Jeremy Lin night light to scare the boogeyman away. Wow! What a run!!!"

Steve Nash, tweet machine: "Its crazy! I'm watching Linsanity hoping every shot goes in. Hope I never grow up."

Ben Wallace, quote machine: On hitting a rare three-pointer and being the focus of Spurs coach Greg Popovich's Hack-a-Bad-Foul-Shooter strategy: "Three-ball -- that ain't nothing that you all haven't seen before. They hacked me. I made a couple free throws, shot a couple airballs -- still ain't nothing that you all have never seen before."

Bulls and Kings: Another "both teams sucked but only one of them could lose" game. On the one hand, the Bulls gave up a season-high 115 points at home to a Kings team that averages 89 points on the road. They also choked up a 19-point fourth quarter lead and let the Sactowners get to within 2 points with 14 seconds to go. On the other hand, the Paupers fell behind by 19 and failed to come back against a Chicago squad that just came off a nine-game, 16-day road trip and was missing its starting backcourt (which includes reigning MVP Derrick Rose).

The Utah Jazz: The Jazz were playing their third road game in three nights. The Thunder were coming off three full days of rest. I'm sure you can guess how this turned out, but I'll tell you anyway: The Thunder converted 54.5 percent of their field goals while holding the Jazz to 35.6 percent shooting. OKC led by as many as 27 points and basically cruised to victory.

Said Gordon Hayward (0 points, 0-for-6): "I'm not going to blame fatigue. That's just not acceptable. Whatever the reason was we're professionals, so back-to-back-to-back, that's our job. We've got to be prepared and we've got to be able to play."

Hayward then passed out from fatigue.

Meanwhile, Jazz coach Tyrone Corbin was more than willing to blame weary legs: "We knew it was going to be a tough task, being a back-to-back-to-back game and against a team here who was going to be rested for three days. We knew they would come out and try to jump on us. We lost the game in New Orleans and it may have knocked us off our stride a little bit. But you know what? Guys fought hard tonight. We just didn't have enough in the tank."

Kevin Martin: Talk about your Blue Light Specials. The story of the Rockets' 93-83 loss in Memphis was K-Mart, who was completely and utterly shut the hell down by Tony Allen. Martin finished with 0 points on 0-for-3 shooting and played only 19 minutes. And get this: Kevin averaged 31.4 PPG in four games against the Griz last season.

Said Lionel Hollins: "He didn't get off to a quick start. I thought Tony came out with the mindset that he was going to try to play him as hard as he could. Then the kid didn't make a couple of shots and things weren't going his way and they made a sub and played Courtney Lee."

Added Allen: "I got a video edit of his last three games before the game and I was studying his tendencies. We were talking about Kevin in shoot-around and about him being a Grizzlies killer. We had our antennas up."

The Phoenix Suns: Suns coach Alvin Gentry opted to rest Steve Nash and Grant Hill. The predictable result: Phoenix shot 33 percent and lost 109-92 in Denver, allowing the Nuggets to snap their five-game losing streak.

Said Denver coach George Karl: "Phoenix kind of gave us a some slack by not playing Nash."

Bonus stats: Without noted defensive stopper Steve Nash, the Suns gave up 25 fast break points and 54 points in the paint. In possibly related news, Phoenix surrendered 28 points off 21 turnovers.

The Portland Frail Blazers: As Dan B. put it in a text to me this morning: "The Generals won their second straight road game and scored 124 points. What the actual fuck is going on here??"

I couldn't have said it better myself.

The Washington Wizards Generals -- who began the night 2-10 on the road -- beat the Frail Blazers 124-109 IN PORTLAND despite giving up 28 points off 16 turnovers. It helped Washington's cause that the Blazers lost LeMarcus Aldridge two minutes into the game.

Said Marcus Camby: "I think when he went down, the life went out of us. It's sad but true."

In possibly related news, the Generals shot 60 percent for the game.

Said Portland coach Nate McMillan: "There was no defense."

Understatement of the year.

The Atlanta Hawks: I love this lead in to the AP recap: "The days of high-scoring games and one-sided victories are basically over for the Los Angeles Lakers under new coach Mike Brown, who is still in the process of learning his roster and adjusting to individual matchups with a less-than-stellar bench at his disposal."

It's like "Mike Brown in Cleveland: Part 2."

To wit: The Lakers shot 44 percent and won 86-78 in about as ugly a game as you'd ever not want to see, assuming a deal with Satan hasn't doomed you to an afterlife of watching Heat-Knicks games from the mid-1990s.

Said Brown (without a hint of irony I might add): "I thing we've done a decent job of controlling the tempo, because most of our games -- whether we win or lose -- are like 92-89. So everybody's playing at our pace right now."

And that's the attitude that got LeBron James to flee to Miami.

As for the Dirty Birds, they're pretty much who we thought they were. They're gonna make you believe some nights, then they're gonna punish your dumb ass for believing on other nights. Last night was one of those "other nights." They shot 33 percent and looked like a back rec league squad.

Said Hawks coach Larry Drew: "We couldn't buy a shot. I don't know how many layups we missed. We just missed a ton of point-blank shots, and we turned the ball over (at) crucial times. Obviously you can look at our stats and see that their size and length did affect us, but we gave it our best shot."

According to Hoopdata, Atlanta was 9-for-22 at the rim (41 percent). In case you're interested, they were 5-for-13 (38.5 percent) from 3-9 feet, 2-for-5 (40 percent) from 10-15 feet, 8-for-23 (34.8 percent) from 16-23 feet and 7-for-27 (26 percent) from beyond the arc.

Said Josh Smith: "We just couldn't make shots in the second half. There was a lid on the basket, for a long period of time, particularly in the third quarter. Whenever you can't make shots, you have to make it that much tougher for them to score as well."

Mike Brown, quote machine: In case you missed The Basketball Player Formerly Known as Crazy Pill's rant against his coach, here you go:
"I'm trying to win. And right now, coach is a stats guy. His background is video coordinator or whatever. So he's all stats. But Ron Artest is all feel. He doesn't understand that. Having me in the game at the end, he was worried about me shooting bad from the free throw line. And I was like, 'I could care less because I'm gonna get a stop at the end of the game.' He didn't understand the rhythm that we had -- me, Fish [Derek Fisher], Kobe [Bryant], Pau [Gasol] and Drew [Andrew Bynum]. I've been through games where I would have two points, go 1 for 9 and we'd win. That's what matters. Stats are for people who need stats.

"If I could count how many times another team went away from the best player when I was on him, I've got to be like No. 1 in the league. That's not a stat, and coach doesn't ... you would have to play basketball to feel that. When Phil Jackson was here, that's why I was in the game, because he understands that. Philly and Utah, I was on the bench because of stats.

"Every game on the road is gonna be close. But I think they panic a little bit when the games get close. But me, Kobe, Pau, Fish, we expect the games to be close. We expect to pull them out, and we don't panic. And coach, he panicked a little bit: 'I need to make a change.' So I just sit on the bench and wait and see what happens.

"I think he just has to get a better feel of the players. Kobe, he's got ice-cold blood in his veins. Fish is the same way. And you've just got to get used to your players when you've got two players with five rings. ... We're cold-blooded, and coach, he's got to understand that about us. We could care less what happens the whole game. I could care less what happens throughout the whole season. What matters is that next possession and getting that win. So he doesn't play me for the two games and in the fourth quarter they pull away.

"The real stat is the wins. That's the only stat that should count. If you win, that's all that matters. If I'm 1 for 10 from the free-throw line, 3 for 15 from the 3-point line, 29 percent from field goal, no rebounds, no assists and we won, bam. It doesn't matter because at the end of the game, I'm gonna get a big stop, I might hit a big shot.

"And then the player's gonna take a stupid shot because I'm on him because he has no other choice but to take a dumb shot. And we win the game and go home, have some oatmeal the next morning. It's real simple, man. The coach, he's got to get used to that."
For the record, "have some oatmeal the next morning" is going into my personal vocabulary.

Brown's response: "If I were him, I'd be frustrated, too. I told him: 'I don't take anything personally. I'm OK with it. But if I was a stats guy, Metta, you wouldn't be playing at all. I mean, look at your stats. And Synergy says you're the 192nd-best defensive player in the league. So if I was just a stats guy, the guy who should be playing at the small forward spot is Devin Ebanks -- because he's shooting better than you or Matt (Barnes).'"

Chris' Lacktion Ledger:
Knicks-Craptors: In the wake of Linsanity, Rasual Butler rollerskated to the floor and attempted a shot from Eaton Centre with just 0.5 seconds remaining...only to air it up for a +1 AND AN ANTI-CLUTCH SUPER MARIO GALAXY!!!!

Heat-Pacers: Juwan Howard harangued a board in 6:01 with two bricks, four turnovers, and two fouls for a 6:1 Voskuhl, and Eddy Curry had a +3 that doubled as a 3:0 Voskuhl in 3:27 via lost rock and two fouls. Mickell Gladness smiled after receiving a luxurious 5.3 trillion (320 second) check.

Indiana's Jeff Foster farmed out two boards in exactly 8 minutes, only to foul and brick twice for a 4:2 Voskuhl. And Jeff Pendergraph offered up a foul and turnover in 5:20 for a +2 and 2:0 Voskuhl.

Purple Paupers-Bulls: Francisco Garcia fouled once in 5:06 for a +1.

Suns-Nuggets: Robin Lopez laid an egg from the field and countered perfection from the stripe plus a board in 12:36 with three fouls and a turnover for a 4:3 Voskuhl, and Hakim Warrick lost the rock twice plus earned a foul for a +3 in 3:34.

Generals-Frail Blazers: Washington's Maurice Evans bricked once in 3:47 and also fouled for a CELEBRATORY (yep!) +2.


I think we found a guy who's an even bigger Rajon Rondo fan than me...

Pretty much the most bawful sentence I can remember reading: "Former Memphis guard Roburt Sallie cut from Spanish team for concealing that he was taking penis enlargement pills."

Also, Jay Caspian Kang's "Person of Interest" series continues with a nice look at Jeremy Lin. I have to say, I am fully on the Linsanity bandwagon. I watched the Lakers/Knicks game the other night while I was texting with my girlfriend who loves college ball but doesn't care at all about the NBA. It took everything I had in me to not constantly say "WOAH, you should have seen that spin move into the paint Lin just did!" He's taken one of the bawful trainwreck teams and made them fun to watch again. I don't even care so much if they win or lose. I'm just happy they're entertaining.

Worst of the Weekend in Pictures:

Linsanity, everybody. Linsanity.
(h/t Chris)

Rick Adelman tries to telepathically will the ball into the net

Really feeling bad for Paul Silas at this point, you guys

I want to hire Stan Van Gundy to follow me around and give thumbs up or thumbs down to everything people say to me

Randy Wittman's only been on the job for a few weeks, and the Generals have already driven him mad

Hey, shouldn't you guys be saving this action for Valentine's Day?

Nationally Televised Games:

Timberwolves at Magic, NBA TV, 7:00pm: Our resident documenter of all things lacktion Chris mentioned he was considering going to a restaurant called Rubio's for dinner tonight. It got me thinking... In honor of Ricky Rubio, Rubio's prices should all end in prices like $4.90, so when they give you your food and you pay with a five, they're dishing out dimes.


Meanwhile, according to ESPN's Chris Palmer: "It's waaay early but injuries will be the only thing preventing Ricky Rubio from becoming the league's all-time assist leader."

What?? I'm sorry, but what?? Methinks Chris Palmer might be jumping to conclusions just a little bit.

Suns at Warriors, NBA TV, 10:30pm: Both of these teams are actually playing quality basketball right now. Am I dreaming? Did someone slip something in my coffee this morning?

All The Other Games:

76ers at Bobcraps, 7:00pm: The Bobcraps have struggled lately, averaging just 77 points and 37 percent shooting in their last six games. And now they get to play one of the best defensive teams. I'm sure this one will be just THRILLING to watch.

Jazz at Hornets, 8:00pm: Well, if you're going to be doing a back-to-back-to-back stretch all on the road, I guess New Orleans is a pretty good place to go. An easy W if you even halfway show up AND delicious food. BRB, Googling cajun food recipes...

Heat at Bucks, 8:00pm: The Heat need to win this one to avoid a season sweep. Yes, you read that right.

Clippers at Mavericks, 8:30pm: The last time the Clippers beat the Mavericks when Dirk Nowitzki was in the game? 2003. Yes, that is nearly a decade. Just for a little refresher if you've already forgotten what the Clippers used to be like.

Labels: ,

Careful, Troy Murphy! Kevin Garnett looks hungry!

It's time for another weekend full of basketball. You know what that means. A weekend full of bawful!

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

So glad I can't see what is happening below the camera frame...

Thompson! Quit trying to mirror what KD does! That's counterproductive when playing defense!!

Nationally Televised Friday Games:

Lakers at Knicks, ESPN, 8:00pm: Best joke I've seen all day: "Jeremy Lin breaks barrier by being the first Knicks player to exceed expectations."

Thunder at Jazz, ESPN, 10:30pm: The Thunder just lost on national television to Excremento. Excremento!! They are going to be pissed tonight. There may be bloodshed. There may be death and dismemberment.

All The Other Friday Games:

Hawks at Magic, 7:00pm: That's it. I'm officially out. I do not care if Dwight Howard stays or goes. I'm just tired of reading about him every single time I see a game preview involving the Magic.

Clippers at 76ers, 7:00pm: As noted by STATS LLC: "This matchup marks the finale of what coach Doug Collins termed as 'Death Row,' a seven-game span in which Philadelphia played four of the Eastern Conference's top six teams, two of the West's division leaders and the Los Angeles Lakers." Yikes. It's impressive they've gone 4-2 in that stretch, but they get to play Cleveland and Charlotte next. Those are like the ultimate trap games, right?

Heat at Wizards Generals, 7:00pm: If you're going to be on a six game road trip, I guess this is as good a place to go as any, right?

Celtics at Craptors, 7:00pm: Remember that horrible Lakers/Celtics game last night? Prepare yourself to watch more of the same!

Bulls at Bobcraps, 7:00pm: Derrick Rose is still fighting back spasms and may be limited in this game. But really, does that matter? If you're a Bobcraps fan, you probably are just numb by this point aren't you? It's like a Billy Joel song.

Some days I have to give right in to the blues
Despite how I try to keep fightin'
It's a sure shot I'm going to lose

Bucks at Cavaliers, 7:30pm: No Kyrie Irving tonight. SO much for there being any reason to watch this game.

Nyets at Pistons, 7:30pm: The last time the Nyets won a game was against the Pistons a week ago. They have lost four straight since. I don't need to say anything else about how crappy this game will be, do I?

Trail Blazers at Hornets, 8:00pm: Ready for your mind to be blown? Check this out: "Portland has the best point differential in the West, and are 9th in the conference. I don't even..."

Mavericks at Timberwolves, 8:00pm: The Mavs have lost two straight to the Timberwolves AND Kevin Love is back from a suspension tonight. That's got to be enough for Rick Carlisle to break out in a cold sweat.

Pacers at Grizzlies, 8:00pm: Quincy Pondexter scored a career-high 17 points the other night. The bad news? This is really hurting his chances of making the Null-Star team for a second straight season.

Nationally Televised Saturday Games:

Suns at Kings, NBA TV, 10:00pm: Excremento is looking to win their fourth consecutive home game. Their home record is 7-4. I am extremely confused. (Note: I am perpetually confused. This is just worse than normal.)

All The Other Saturday Games:

Nuggets at Pacers, 7:00pm: The Nuggets have dropped five straight games. But they're still second in their conference! No need to panic yet. You know, except for the whole "they've lost five straight" thing.

Clippers at Bobcraps, 7:00pm: Some fun stats for your consideration regarding how unbelievably bawful Charlotte is this season. PTS/G: 87.2 (28th of 30). Opp PTS/G: 100.8 (29th of 30). SRS: -13.67 (30th of 30). Off Rtg: 94.5 (30th of 30). Def Rtg: 109.2 (29th of 30).

76ers at Cavaliers, 7:30pm: Fair warning. Kyrie Irving has already been ruled out of this game as well.

Knicks at Timberwolves, 8:00pm: No, I'm not done posing about Linsanity. Because the Taiwanese animation guys are at it again! Enjoy:

Spurs at Nyets, 8:00pm: MANU!

Trail Blazers at Nyets, 8:30pm: Well, the Keith Bogans experiment sure didn't last long, did it? He's already done for the season.

Magic at Bucks, 9:00pm: So what team will he end up on? No, I'm not talking about Dwight Howard again. I'm talking about Brandon Jennings! Sigh.

Nationally Televised Sunday Games:

Bulls at Celtics, ABC, 3:30pm: I'm just going to say it: I hate it when two teams I like play each other. I really do.

Heat at Hawks, ESPN, 7:00pm: You just know they're going to play the most boring QUADRUPLE overtime game in history just to screw with us.

Jazz at Grizzlies, ESPN, 9:30pm: Prepare yourself for Valentine's Day folks. You need to get you some Memphis Grizzlies Valentine's Day cards. I cannot stress enough how amazing these are, and I'm pretty certain that giving your sweetheart one of these cards WILL get you laid. It has even better odds than Sex Panther.

All The Other Sunday Games:

Lakers at Craptors, 1:00pm: Well, at least we're getting the bad game out of the way early...

Wizards Generals at Pistons, 6:00pm: ...Never mind.

Rockets at Warriors, 9:00pm: I always enjoy it when teams have an identity. For example, the Warriors. They're 5th in points per game... and 30th in points allowed per game. So even with a coaching change, they're still the good ol' Warriors we've come to know and love!


Editor's Note: I can't get the picture to load today. Freakin' technical difficulties. So this is a pic-free post.

Lakers-Celtics: A classic matchup! A rivalry renewed! And Spider-Man's balls...this game was bawful. Both teams shot 39 percent from the field. The Lakers went 1-for-15 from downtown. The Celtics attempted only five free throws at home. Derek Fisher's corpse was 0-for-7 and finished with a game-worst plus-minus of -10. Kevin Garnett was 6-for-23 from the field and got skinned and eaten alive by Pau Gasol (25 points, 12-for-20, 14 rebounds, 3 assists, 2 blocked shots). KG even missed his last NINE shots...but somehow finished with a plus-minus of +6 while Pau was -3.

It was just that kind of game.

In the end, the Celtics couldn't keep Andrew Bynum and Gasol from gobbling up offensive rebounds (11 combined) and making easy put backs, especially in the fourth quarter and overtime. And that's what cost Boston the game. Fittingly, the loss was sealed when Gasol swatted a desperation tip attempt by Ray Allen:

Said Allen: "I was in the perfect position and he came out of nowhere."

Added Celtics coach Doc Rivers: "I thought this was an awful game. If we had won, it would have been an awful game that we won. Give them credit -- a lot of that was defense. But I thought a lot of it was self-inflicted."

No kidding. And watching this horror show wanted me to self-inflict on myself.

Paul Pierce: Truth's near triple-double (18 points, 9 boards, 7 assists) was offset by his boner at the end of regulation. With Ray Allen open for three, Pierce picked up the dribble, got trapped by the L.A. defense, and let the clock hit zero.

WTF, Paul?

Said Pierce: "I didn't make the pass."

Added Garnett: "I don't think Paul was comfortable with throwing the pass. He picked his dribble up and time expired. It's that simple."

The Denver Nuggets: The Nuggets played okay...for a half. Then the Warriors -- playing in Denver by the way -- opened the third quarter on a 14-2 run and ended up winning the period 37-20. And that was the game. Let me tell you, the final score of 109-101 wasn't that close.

Said Aaron Afflalo: "That was horrible. You've got to give the Warriors credit, but on our home floor, that was horrible."

Yeah. It was pretty horrible. Golden State shot 52 percent from the field AND on threes, and Stephen Curry (36 points, 7 rebounds, 7 assists) did whatever the hell he wanted. He even imitated coach Mark Jackson's old shimmy shake.

Said Jackson: "I tried to hold my laugh and stay in coach mode but I had to giggle. Now I know why my dad told me to stop doing it."

Added Curry: "I don't know what got into me. But I turned around and I saw (Jackson). We had joked about it earlier that it was his signature move. I haven't practiced it but I'm scared to look at the film. That was the first time and probably the last time."

Shimmies aside, the Nuggets have now lost five straight overall and five in a row on their home court. They're .500 at the Pepsi Center (7-7) and have fallen to 15-12 on the season.

So...has the Dead Superstar Bounce officially ended?

The Phoenix Suns: Steve Nash continued to amaze (14 points, 7-for-7, 13 assists) and his team continued to blow chucks. FREE STEVE NASH. PLEASE.

Eh, as for the game, the Suns couldn't hold down Houston's reserve corps: The Rockets' pine jockeys finished with 57 points on 25-for-40 to go with 26 rebounds and 18 assists. That's like a damn starting unit.

Hands? Faces? Anybody? I mean, if you can't stop Jordan Hill and Patrick Patterson, I guess you deserve to lose. The Suns also gave up 12 offensive rebounds and 22 second-chance points. And, hell, even then Phoenix had a chance to pull out a win...then committed two offensive fouls in the final 1:22.

Said Nash: "We didn't convert in so many areas, so it makes it a really disappointing loss. You're going to have cold patches but you've got to find other ways to stay in the game."

The Oklahoma City Thunder: They got a gimmie on national TV against the Excremento Kings, holding the Paupers to 40 percent shooting and limiting the Sactowners to exactly zero field goals in the final two minutes...

...and lost.

Mind you, they were up 95-87 with less than five minutes to play. And they couldn't hold on.

Said OKC coach Scott Brooks: "We had a good lead and in the last five or six minutes we've been good all season. But the turnovers hit us tonight. We played with good effort, but we didn't play with a controlled effort."

Yep. The Thunder were in a giving move, committing 23 turnovers for 28 points going the other way. Six of those TOs were bumbled away in the fourth quarter, during which the Kings outscored Oklahoma City 30-23. And won by five.

Said Kevin Durant: "It was just frustrating to lose because Serge (10 blocked shots) had a great game tonight. He was closing up the rim, in the paint, and we couldn't close it out for him. It was a tough loss, but we have to move on. We have a game tomorrow (in Utah) and we can't harp on this one."

Chris' Lacktion Ledger:
Lakers-Celtics: Andrew Goudelock lost the rock once and bricked twice (once from the Custom House Tower) for a +3 in 8:29.

Marquis Daniels turned over the ball once in 68 seconds for a +1.

Warriors-Nuggets: Ekpe Udoh amalgamated two assists and two boards in 20:39 with one lost rock and a near-foulout for a 6:2 Voskuhl, while Charles Jenkins bricked once and took a rejection for a +2 in 196 seconds.

Thunder-Kings: Nick Collison managed four boards in 25:17, only to turn over the ball twice and arrive a notch away from fouling out for a 7:4 Voskuhl.

"Oh God he's talking about his neckties again..."

A couple of extremely bawful stories are up on Deadspin right now:

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

"I will hang you out to dry on my clothesline!"

Kris is apparently happy at this point to have any physical contact with a human being

"Gah! His beard is like a Brillo pad!"

Might want to check the color of Marresse Speights' shorts after this...

Nationally Televised Games:

Lakers at Celtics, TNT, 8:00pm: Heads-up for anyone who missed it: Larry Bird was on Bill Simmons' podcast this week.

Thunder at Kings, TNT, 10:30pm: Since 2008-09, Kevin Durant is averaging 32.8 points at Power Balance Pavilion. Obviously it's the magic of Power Balance helping him make his shots.

Also, via Chris, John Salmons clothing line! John Salmons clothing line! No word on whether they only look really good in a contract year.

All The Other Games:

Warriors at Nuggets, 9:00pm: (looks at Denver's list of injuries) When did this team turn into the new Frail Blazers???

Rockets at Suns, 9:00pm: If the Suns win tonight, it'll be only their second back-to-back home win situation of the season. Free Steve Nash.


lin for the win
Jeremy Lin: Already more popular then 'Melo and STAT.

The Los Angeles Clippers: Oh's a "they are who we thought they were" flashback! Despite strong games from Blake Griffin (25 points, 15 boards), Chris Paul (16 points, 12 assists), and Caron Butler (21 points, 8-for-15), the Clippers lost to the Kyrie Irving-less Cadavers in Cleveland.

Turns out The Other L.A. Team had no answers for "Razor" Ramon Sessions (24 points and 13 assists).

Said Chris Paul: "We came out flat. That starts with me. I couldn't make a shot (5-for-16). We didn't defend well. This is definitely one of our worst showings."

Don't worry, Chris. We here at Basketbawful understand that "bad shooting" is a genetic disorder, like baldness or necrophilia. amazes me that a team with CP3 and Blake Superior could finish a game with only 2 fast break points.

But there was this:

Is it just me, or did Blake's "pass" look a lot like a bad shot attempt?

Last note: The Cadavers have now won 10 straight over the Clippers.

Ramon Sessions, quote machine: "It's not my first rodeo. I was ready to go when they called my name."

Blake Griffin, quote machine: Always ready to give credit to his opponents: "We came out with a lack of energy. That's on us. We had no urgency. We didn't play like we should. We gave the game away."

Kenyon Martin, quote machine: On getting a tech during his first game back from China: "First game back and I get $1,000 (fine). That's who I am. I can't turn it off."

The Miami cHeat: Okay then. Looks like Eddy Curry (DNP-CD) may not be Miami's answer at center after all. Ditto (still) for Joel Anthony...who finished with zero points. Meanwhile, Dwight "Trade Meeeeeee!" Howard erupted for an Animal-Style Double-Double (25 points and 24 rebounds) to go with 4 assists, 3 steals, and 2 blocked shots. He even went 7-for-10 from the free throw line, no doubt fulfilling some dark prophecy about the End of Days.

Meanwhile, the Magicians offset their poor shooting (42 percent) by drilling 17 threes and grabbing 17 offensive rebounds for an astounding Offensive Rebounding Percentage of 37 percent. They finished with a 23-9 edge in second-chance points.

The cHeat scored trailed by as many as 19 points in the second quarter. Then, after an end-of-the-half comeback, managed only 11 points in the third before eventually succumbing to a 102-89 defeat.

Said LeBron James: "They shot the 3 extremely well and the big fella in the middle took care of his 20 and 20 once again. Sometimes you have to pick your poison, but we gave up both tonight. They are an extremely tough team to beat when they are making the 3s and the big fella is doing what he wants."

The Philadelphia 76ers: The Sixers lead the NBA in Defensive Efficiency...but not against Tony Parker. TP was in full-blown Video Game Mode, going off for a game-best 37 points (12-for-24 from the field, 13-for-13 from the line) while dishing out a game-high 8 assists. And he never committed a single foul.

Said Parker: "I play team defense."

Translation: "I let my man run by me 'cause Timmy's there."

Of course, the real story of this loss might be Gary Neal, who scored 12 points in the last six minutes of the first quarter on 4-for-4 shooting (including 3-for-3 from downtown). Mind you, Neal averages 8.5 points per game.

Said Andre Iguodala: "He hurt us early and we can't let that happen. We have to be more alert. We have to keep aware of guys who can hurt us and try and not let them get good looks."

Random note: The Sixers attempted 11 free throws...two fewer than Tony Parker and 15 fewer than the Spurs as a whole. And this game was in Philly.

The Washington Wizards and John Wall: Okay...they were blown out at home by the Carmelo Anthony-less and Amar''''''e Stoudemire-less Bricks. And how 'bout this defense on the suddenly unstoppable Jeremy Lin (23 points, 9-for-14, 10 assists):

And yes: That was Lin's first dunk in the NBA.

Said Lin: "Just one of those in-a-moment things. I think they messed up on their coverage, so I was able to get free."

In possibly related news, the Generals are now 5-21.

The Toronto Craptors: Despite playing at home against a team with a 3-10 road record, the Craptosaurs couldn't contain Mike Dunleavy Jr. (16 points in the second quarter) or Carlos Delfino, who had nailed six treys and had season-highs in points (25), rebounds (9) and steals (4).

What's more, Milwaukee's anemic offense went off for 58 points in the first half. And, yes, that was a season-high for Toronto opponents.

Drew Gooden, quote machine: "Carlos was huge. It was kind of like him and Dunleavy were Siamese twins. Dunleavy had it going in the first half and Carlos got it going for us in the second half. That was big."

Wait...what? Siamese twins?

The Indiana Pacers: Their biggest lead? 1. Their largest deficit? 21. And this play pretty much sums up the game:

Even Knee-Mac was getting out and dunking. Knee-Mac!

Yep. The Pacers were a step slow all night. Which pretty much explains why the Dirty Birds had a 28-11 edge in fast break points.

Zaza Pachulia: Don't let his Magic Johnson impression fool you. Zaza still sucks. From the AP recap:
After his nifty play early on, Pachulia had some ugly moments toward the end.

First, he missed a dunk after Smith flopped to the court to retrieve a loose ball and flipped a pass forward to his center, lumbering all alone in front of everyone else. Then, apparently losing track of where he was on a fast break, Pachulia took a pass and seemed ready to go in for another dunk attempt, only to realize he was too far from the hoop. He was called for walking instead.
The New Jersey Nyets: The Pistons arrived in New Jersey with a road record of 1-12. They left with a road record of 2-12. 'Nuff said.

But I'll add this anyway: The Nyets trailed by as many as 18 points before Deron Williams scored 17 fourth quarter points in a useless comeback attempt.

Said Williams: "We lost. That's about it. It's another loss at home. We've been struggling here all season, trying to find our shots and rhythm. It's hard to win when you are shooting in the 30-percent range."

Actually, New Jersey shot 42.3 percent. But I hear ya, Deron.

The Minnesota Timberwolves: The T-Wolves were Love-less in Memphis last night...and it showed. They shot 39 percent as a team -- with Ricky Rubio (1-for-6) adn Luke Ridnour (1-for-8) leading the Brick Parade -- and gave up a ridiculous 21 offensive rebounds.

Yeah. I'd say they missed Kevin Love.

Oh, and Quincy Pondexter lit them up for a career-high 17 points. Quincy Pondexter. Sounds like the lead character in a reboot of Revenge of the Nerds. Probably shouldn't let a guy like that beat you.

The Denver Nuggets: I'm not trying to be a Doubty McDoubtenstein or anything, but the Nuggets have lost four straight and six of seven overall, and they're only 7-6 at home following last night's 105-95 loss to Cuban's Cowboys. That 15-7 record looked great. 15-11? Not so much.

Could the post-'Melo bubble be bursting?

Hey, look, I know Danilo Gallinari (left ankle) and Timofey "I got Mozgov'd" Mosgov (Left ankle) were out of action, and that Corey Brewer missed the game due to the death of his father. But still.

According to the AP game notes, the Mavs' 64 first-half points were only two off their season-high...and it was a season-high for a Nuggets opponent. Oh, and they've lost four straight at home for the first time since 2003.

Just sayin'.

The Portland Frail Blazers: Speaking of teams with burst bubbles, the Frail Blazers -- the team Charles Barkley said was going to finish with the best record in the West this season -- dropped to 14-12 after a 103-96 home loss to the Rocketeers. Houston's reserves dropped 66 points on the Blazers, includindg a season-high 22 for Chase Buddinger.

McHale's Navy shot nearly 53 percent and led by as many as 19 points despite committing 23 turnovers.

Of course, Portland would be 15-11 today if the refs hadn't made a bogus goaltending call against them on Monday night. A call the NBA later admitted was wrong.

Said Raymond Felton: "We've just got to come together collectively and figure this thing out as a team. That's all there is to it."

I dunno. I mean, maybe the Frail Blazers just aren't as good as we thought they'd be. I mean, their one-two punch at center is Marcus Camby (37) and Kurt Thomas (39). They only go about three-deep off the bench (Thomas, Jamal Crawford and Nicky Batum). And their starting backcourt (Felton and Wesley Matthews) is okay and all, but hardly an All-Star duo. You have to wonder how good this team COULD be with a healthy Brandon Roy and Greg Oden. But that's like saying, "imagine how good they'd be with Bigfoot and Godzilla," because that's about a realistic.

Chris' Lacktion Ledger:
Spurs-Sixers: Cory Joseph had 24 seconds to celebrate with Toad and Yoshi for a Mario.

Philadelphia's Nikola Vucevic vanquished 6 boards in 14:41 with four bricks, four turnovers, and three fouls for a 7:6 Voskuhl.

El (Oh El) Heat-Magic: Juwan Howard hit jackpot yet again with 84 seconds of metal detecting on the sands of South Beach for a 1.4 trillion.

Clippers-Cavs: Semih Erden eked out a steal in 6:35, only to foul once for a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl.

Pistons-Nyets: New Jersey's Johan Petro provided a brick, turnover, and two fouls in 4:23 for a +4 and a 3:0 Voskuhl!

Pacers-Hawks: Willie Green garnered three fouls (two from the SunTrust Plaza) for a +3 in 7:22, while Vladimir Radmanovic won't have to marry for wealth after a 2 trillion (119 seconds).