Hey Orlando Magic fans…your team is mailing this season in.  Not your players, they’ll play their little hearts out I’m sure.  But the front office has created a team that is sure to challenge the Bobcats for the title of Worst in the East. You don’t have to take my word for it. The Orlando Sentinel notes that "winning can't be the be-all and end-all, not when the Magic must strive for the highest lottery pick possible." 

How’s that for a season ticket campaign? “2012-13 Orlando Magic: Striving for the highest lottery pick possible.”  It’s either that or “2012-13 Orlando Magic: Because really, you can only go to Disney World so many times.”

In order to prepare you for a season filled with L’s, I’m going to do you a favor and mail this blog post in.  I have put as little effort as possible into constructing the framework of this article.  You can send thank your cards to my current address.

I recommend Magic fans go with the four-fingered eye-gouge this year. 
Let me demonstrate.

Here are the possibilities for the Magic’s starting five:

PG – Jameer Nelson
SG – Arron Afflalo or JJ Redick
SF – Hedo Turkoglu (possibly Harrington)
PF – Gustavo Ayon/Al Harrington/Glen Davis triumvirate of mediocrity
C – Nikola Vucevik (possibly Ayon)

1) You have the Turkish Michael Jordan, and, if we are going to use that nickname with a straight face, the Mexican Charles Barkley.
2) You contain the possibility, with a well-timed trade for a white point guard, to utilize the whitewash lineup strategy.
3) The drinking game in which you tip one back every time Big Baby throws a tantrum will be a sure-fire way to get a nice buzz.
4) Your second-stringers are absolutely the best in the league. Any team would kill to have Afflalo, Ayon, Turkoglu and Redick coming off the bench.

1) Your starting lineup is made up of players who would make great second-string players.
2) Your front office is intentionally seeking to put the worst possible lineup on the floor in order to have a slightly higher chance at getting a ping-pong ball to bounce their way, with the goal of landing a franchise-changing player in the draft.  You know, a guy like a Shaquille O’Neal or Dwight Howard.  Someone like that.  Because THIS time…I bet he’ll stay.
3) The attention-hungry oversized child with the really broad shoulders who can’t seem to develop any semblance of a post move will have his smiling face plastered all over ESPN this year. And you can’t even stay mad at him, because deep down, you know that your 12 year-old has more maturity and is more of an adult than Howard.
4) You can only go to Disney World so many times.  
Blogger LotharBot said...
Orlando's starting 5, per ESPN's NBArank:

PG Jameer Nelson #102
SG Arron Afflalo #80
SF Hedo Turkoglu #192
PF Glen Davis #141 (or Al Harrington #143)
C Nikola Vucevic #282
Average: 160

As you say, that starting 5 would make a great bench. There are actually a couple teams with benches about that good:

San Antonio

PG Gary Neal #171
SG Danny Green #160
SF Stephen Jackson #151
PF Dejuan Blair #155
C Boris Diaw #162 or Matt Bonner #198
Average: 160


PG Andre Miller #94
SG Corey Brewer #203
SF Wilson Chandler #93
PF Anthony Randolph #269
C Timofey Mozgov #220
Average: 175

Anonymous JJ said...
"Turkish Michael Jordan"?!??? Really? Hahahahahaha. I never heard that. Made my day. There are some bad nicknames in NBA, but this one takes the cake.

That nickname must've been given to Turkey Glue before he started decli...wait, stats from his best year was 19.5ppg, 5.7rpg, 5apg? HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHA!

Seriously thanks for the post, Paul. =)

Blogger Jason said...

Close your eyes and try to picture a Mexican Charles Barkley...I dare you not to laugh.

Blogger Jon-Michael said...
In defense of Arron Afflalo and Al Harrington, they were the top 2 scorers on a team last year that nearly knocked the Lakers out of the first round (Denver Nuggets). Afflalo was averaging nearly 20 ppg after the All-Star break, and Al Harrington had his way with Pau Gasol while carrying around a knee with a torn meniscus and a broken nose suffered in Game 1 of the series.

Afflalo will likely start for Orlando. He has many of the qualities that JJ Redick has, but he's better at them. He's far more athletic too.

Blogger Wormboy said...
Dude, when I picture BARKLEY I picture a Mexican Charles Barkley. No difference, except he isn't contemplating a political career in Alabama, and his enunciation might be better (seriously, has anybody since Brando in the Godfather had such a mouth full of mush?). Oh, and "turrible" sounds only slightly different.

Oh, and I think the time has come for JJ Redick to show his quality. Sam Gamgee approves of this message!

Blogger Paul said...
Jon-Michael...all due respect, but where the hell did you get your stats? Afflalo was the 2nd leading scorer for season, and Harrington was 4th leading scorer. In the playoffs, Afflalo was 4th on team in scoring and Harrington was 6th. Harrington did not "have his way" with Gasol..he shot 32% and averaged under 10 points. As far as Afflalo is concerned though, I agree that he will likely start. I think he's a nice player, but he's an awful best player, which is what he might be on this team.

Blogger Anny Choo said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
What are the chances of dwight missing the orlando home game this year? I bet he won't even make the trip there for "unspecified reasons"

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Teams like orlando shouldnt bother building through the draft. As said in the preview, even if they somehow land an incredible talent, that player would never commit to them long term unless they can surround him with a top shelf crew fast.
imo they should get as good as possible through free agency and accept their small market destiny.
Look at the Pistons title teams. they werent built through the draft, just patience, solid aquisitions and a little luck. And a horrible 2nd pick :)

Anonymous Adam said...

I'll just leave this here...

Blogger Evil Ted said...
Darko - The final piece of the championship puzzle!


Sign of the impending celt-melt-down-ocalypse.

Blogger LotharBot said...
whoever is approving comments, you just let two spams through (Anny Choo and rental guy.) Whenever you get a generic "nice article" comment by someone with keywords like "rental" in their name, they're just trying to create some google linkjuice for their site.

Anonymous JJ said...
Come on ET, Darko didn't get the nickname "human victory cigar" without the "victory" part. It's obvious that Darko + Garnett = unstoppable twin towers. They make Dwight and Gasol pairing look like a joke. Jason Terry must've known about this when he tattooed the championship trophy on his arm.

Or... maybe Terry is very busy getting the tattoo removed right now. =)

Blogger Dan B. said...
All I can say about the Magic: Hedo is one of the best things about your team? Ball.

LotharBot -- Thanks. It happens sometimes. I removed at least one post last night.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Please stop calling him as Turkish Michael Jordan. It makes me sad as a Turkish and huge Mj Fan :(

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