I think most Americans can agree that one of the primary
contributions the city of Detroit has made to the country in the past ten years
was its role as the setting for the movie (8
that inspired Eminem’s ultimate chip-on-your-shoulder pre-workout
song “Lose Yourself.”
In honor of Detroit’s association with the
song, I’m incorporating random, out-of-context lyrics within this Pistons
“There’s vomit on
his sweater already” -
to the entire Pistons team. They’ve got a lot of cleaning up to do after
last year’s putrid mess. The 2011-12 Pistons team finished in the bottom five
in the league in rebounds, assists, blocks, field goal percentage, points per
game, and turnovers. Their awfulness literally covered every facet of the game.
Oh, and don’t think the fans didn’t notice. The team finished next-to-last in
“You only get one
– to Austin Daye and his awful 32% field goal percentage
last year. One shot may be generous, actually. “You get no shots” might be a
run out, time’s up"
– to Tayshaun Prince, who I’ve briefly
covered on the website before
. Even though Prince is probably still the
best pound-for-pound player in the game today, that’s just because he weighs 95
pounds. There is absolutely no reason that Prince should be playing 33 minutes
per game like he did last year. He belongs firmly planted on a bench wearing
the jersey of a playoff contender and entering games only when a lefty-on-lefty
matchup is needed.
“I’ve been chewed up and spit out” –
to Tayshaun Prince, who looks like the bones that would be left over after being
gnawed on by Boris Diaw.
This picture is
included for you to create your own skinny joke…
“They’re so skinny, Somalians send THEM food” is already taken.
“He's known as the globetrotter"
– to new Piston Corey Maggette, who is now lacing ‘em up for his sixth NBA team.
Maggette has managed only one playoff appearance in his entire thirteen year
career, yet operates with a usage rate that would make it appear that he’s a
legitimate first option. The best thing you can say about Maggette is that his
overpriced contract expires before the overpriced contract of the guy he was
traded for (Ben Gordon).
"I was playin in the beginning, the mood
all changed" –
to Jonas Jerebko, who averaged over 30 minutes a
game in the first seven games last year, and then over the last 15 games of the
year never saw more than 27 minutes of action. Jerebko showed promise in his 09-10
rookie campaign, only to miss the entire 10-11 year with an Achilles injury. Last
year his performance was clearly not on par with his rookie season, but Jerebko
lacks no confidence…in his estimation, the Pistons played “playoff
basketball” last year.
Fair enough. You can’t argue with non-facts.
The only NBA player
to be signed to a contract right after his frat team's
intramural basketball season ended.
that is gaping"
– to the Pistons defensive frontcourt presence.
There was not a single Piston who averaged over 0.8 blocks last year. Greg
Monroe is a solid player, but he can’t protect the rim. This year, the Pistons
will be attempting to fix the problem with the addition of Andre Drummond
(voted “Most Likely To Be A Bust” in his rookie yearbook) and Slava Kravtsov.
Kravtsov is a 24-year-old undrafted seven-footer from Ukraine who has had previous
summer-league stints with teams like the Celtics. The best part about
Kravstov’s signing was that it led to the creation of
this blog post from a Pistons fan
, which included, I
swear to God, the following lines:
“The Pistons…ended up with a player
who can dunk, as evidenced by the five-minute, 43-second highlight video."
“Kravtsov can dunk. He makes 20 field goals in the offensive portion of the
video, 18 of them dunks"
“There remains some untapped potential for reaching down to secure low-budget,
free-agent, international centers who never played U.S. college basketball and
never were drafted in the NBA” [and never started for their high school team,
and make Jeff Foster look like David Robinson, and once asked Bryant Reeves for
“Whatever they get beyond a big practice player is a bonus"
"Back to the
lab again, yo"
like a snail, I’ve got to formulate a plot.”
– to Joe Dumars. Change has
been slow in coming from Pistons management. This year’s team will offer more
of the same mediocre basketball that Detroit has seen for the past four years. Knight,
Monroe, Jerebko and Drummond all offer at least some modicum of potential. But everyone else must go, or at least make
way for new blood. Stuckey and
Villanueva’s contracts mercifully end in two years. Hopefully by then the
Pistons can have a roster on the cusp of being worthy of being told “you only
get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow."