Magic Johnson: Feeding college students

Most people are aware that first year (and second year, and third year...) college students often experience significant and sometimes dramatic weight gain (typically referred to as the freshman fifteen). Now let's assume that you're a parent who's sending a child to college for the first time. Would you want this man feeding that child?

(I know: Yikes, huh? And I didn't even use the worst picture I found.)

Well, that's what's happening at Florida A&M University, where Magic Johnson is turning a popular student-dining facility into -- wait for it -- Subconnection Magic. According to The Famuan:

The location, formerly known as the Orange Room, will have two new eateries built on the foundation set by the Orange Room. "The Grill 155 will have an expanded menu from what was previously in the orange room," said Terry Woodward, general manager of University Dining.

"FAMU has been selected as the first university to partner with Magic Johnson on this new concept," Woodard said. "Mr. Johnson is very excited about the partnership and looks forward to being a part of its grand opening."

Anitra Dufresne, a senior health information management student from Ft. Lauderdale, said she thinks the new dining area is going to be the new campus hang out spot. "Why would people want to sit in the sun or in the rain on The Set, when they could sit in the orange room with their friends, eat and beat the heat?" Dufresne asked.

Indeed. Why would college students want to sit outside, suffering in the loathsome sunshine and hatefully fresh air, when they can huddle under acne-revealing halogen lights and let Magic Johnson slowly but inexorably transform them into quivering, sloshing ham-beasts?

Subconnection Magic will cost whoever pays for these things around $900,000. In case you're unfamiliar with numberomatics, that's almost one million dollars...which may sound like a lot of money for a glorified cafeteria, but there's some big-time bang for that buck: SM will feature multiple flat screen TVs (with subliminal messaging that will drive students into an eating frenzy), additional seating (for those soon-to-be super-sized asses), longer operating hours (because gob-stuffing takes time), and "excellent customer service" (think Oompa-Loompas, only serving burgers and fries in addition to delicious candy).

And, regardless of all the bells and whistles, you just know that the food will be good. Because if there's one thing Magic Johnson knows -- other than the cure for AIDS -- it's eating. The grand opening of Subconnection Magic is scheduled for January 2009.