Shaq Attack!! (Of the stalking variety)

Shaq's been served! With a (temporary) restraining order, that is. The crime? Terror, dear readers. Terror.

Alexis Miller -- a 23-year-old hippity-hop artist known as MaryJANE -- was granted a large stack of anti-Shaq paperwork based on her allegations that the Big Creepy "stalked her, threatened her with bodily harm and made harassing phone calls in which he breathed heavily into the phone before hanging up." (To be fair, the heavy-breathing may or may not have been intended as a threat. It's possible Shaq was on his cell phone and had just finished doing something very strenuous, like trudging up a flight of stairs or maybe walking ten feet.)

Miller, who's supposedly known Shaq for about a year and a half, has allegedly been "intimate" with him for the last six to eight months. (Quick question: What does she mean by "six to eight months"? That's, like, a two-month margin of error. Now, I've never had sex with Shaq, but it seems to me that being penetrated by his giant, terrifying dong is something that wouldn't easily fade from one's memory. I'm just sayin'.) Miller claims she ended their relationship last month, and that Shaq then threatened to pay performers $50,000 each not to work with her...even though many of them had already been doing it for free.

Miller's attorney, L. David Wolfe (isn't that a pefect lawyer name?), said: "It's been very difficult for her. Her fears are not only for herself, but also the people around her." (Apparently, he feels Shaq could be capable of brutal, multiple-victim rampage. And, now that I think about it, he's probably right.) Wolfe added that Miller is "pretty traumatized." Not just traumatized, mind you. She's pretty traumatized. (In legal terms, "pretty" is like a money multiplier when determining the eventual payout.)

Now here's the moneyshot: The court affadavit quotes an e-mail from Shaq in which the Big Shakespeare said: "I dnt no who the fuk u think u dealin wit u will neva be heard from one phone call is I gotta make now try me. Sho me."

No way was Miller going to put up with that. After all, her MySpace page clearly and emphatically states "No Bitchassness."

The restraining order prohibits Shaq from having any contact or even coming within 200 yards of Miller or her 19-month-old son. (Because Shaq is a notorious child murderer.) Miller and Shaq must appear before Fulton County Superior Court Judge Karen Woodson on September 4 to determine whether the restraining order should be changed from "temporary" to "longer than temporary." Call me crazy, but my Spider-sense is predicting an out-of-court settlement on or before that date.

[Thanks to Basketbawful reader Michael for the head's up.]